In a few minutes it will start to happen. I will swallow twice and the situation and it's own reality will sink in. And then I'll swallow again, catching saliva in my throat and cough a few times. Three times, maybe four. You'll stare, because that's what you do. But when I speak, and when it's harsh, it's not personal. I don't hate you. I haven't hated you thus far, so I don't see any point in starting now. I don't see any point because there's nothing wrong with you. Hate is everywhere around me now. Everyone is so bitter and angry. Everyone. Not just me, not just my sister, not just my dad. There's others because there are other occurances in the world. There is other existance. You know, I've been shaking since tuesday night. It's subtle, then obvious, then subtle again. You know I've been ok all this while. I'm always ok because it takes years for things to sink in. What's going on, well it's just this: and I'm so good at dodging. How cold it is when she opens the door is something you would be able to title. I think of you as a someone that I enjoy being around. Fifth period would be more enjoyable if you were in that class with me. Understand? I enjoy your company, even if I sometimes don't feel like talking, or if all I can do is stare and not rightfully explain what I'm thinking. We're at the point where I'm constantly trying to impress you. I want you to think I'm this really cool person even though I can't prove it to myself. This is how I am, and I feel that flush feeling covering my face. This happens when I feel embarassed. Maybe I am. Maybe I constantly am. Take Care. -Amanda