I rolled over and buried my face into his back. He had turned away from me and I could hear him sniffling. I knew he was crying and I knew I had made him cry. I couldn't help but think how he was the fourth man over 30 I had made cry.

I curl up in your bed alone and this time it's real. I don't remember falling asleep, but the warmth of your body wakes me and I turn over to see your smiling face. It's all real. You talk to me and I smell you. I watch you and hope you don't disappear. It's all real. I feel you inside me and everything is familiar and correct. No one kisses like you. I don't want it to end and I don't want to stop kissing you. I leave and the moment is over, but it was all real.

It was dark, the sun had set and I had watched it. I was running quickly so that I could be there in time. In time to meet him. I was running in the dark and thought I could see a figure in the distance. The path was next to a street and every car headlight pierced my vision, making it close to impossible to see him walking towards me. Suddenly he was there, smiling and handing me a hot chocolate. This was the first time we met. We were giggling and stumbling over the rocks. It had started raining, water dripping off my nose and into my mouth. He looked back at me and smiled. We climbed higher through a path he had found and we ended up above the ocean, on cliffs I hadn’t seen before. The rain stopped and the wind from high above pretended to dry us off. He kissed me before I drove home. This was the first time we kissed. I walked out to meet him outside, in the dark, in front of my apartment. He hugged me from behind and whispered his hello. He followed me to the front door and we smiled at each other when we made eye contact in the light. That morning I woke up curled up in his arms feeling warm and safe. This was the first time we made love. None of these men are the same person.

Whenever I get this satisfied feeling I also get nervous. Just when I'm sitting alone or driving---you know, when I have time to think. It's interesting how if I just wait things out something miraculous happens. I don't know if I find that to be something more than the process of life, or if there is more to it. I'm not really saying that I'm balancing on the probability that I have faith or not...but it's interesting. Interesting and a bit silly, perhaps. All in all my current days of existence have been above average, and I really appreciate that.

There's a woman sitting outside my apartment yelling at someone through the phone. She burped once. She's used the words Fuck, Slut, and Piece of Shit several times now. I'm sitting by my open door, curled up and out of sight, listening to her yell. Yesterday there was another woman yelling at someone through the phone. She was blonde as well. The lady outside my apartment is blonde. Maybe they like the thought of other people listening to their conversations, their woes, because in this small corner I can hear everything. She's coughing and gagging. I need to go down there and retrieve my laundry, but I think I'm going to wait a while. ...besides, I hate folding clothes.

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. They've been showing me people from my past and just one from my present. I crawled through the door, you walked in the correct way, correcting me as you went. The old lady was kind to us and allowed us to do our searching. You started stealing things and I almost took that pendant. We were running in the rain, shouting out, and embracing each other. We had extreme beaming smiles that we launched out into the world. Even with all the excitement and joy I had a falling feeling behind me. You were up above me, I called out to you. By some chance you heard me and came bounding down the stairs, I could see only a glimmer of you through the metal bars as you passed them. Then we embraced, a clash of arms and sighs. He was trailing behind you. I was so excited you disappeared when I opened my eyes. When I try to remember more it all just slips away.

The door to my apartment is wide open, I left it like that when I came in, arms full of groceries. I guess it feels better with it open like that, it's just too hot outside. You could walk right in. I wish it was scarf weather, it would make me feel better about staying inside. It would make me feel better about not getting up. The microwave is heating up a frozen pizza for me, and that sort of feels comforting. It's making my apartment smell like Chuck E. Cheese, and that really feels comforting. Right now I would like to watch a movie and pretend I'm the main character. So that's what I'll do, because nothing else matters right now. -Amanda

but i don't feel too good about anything. who knew i'd miss being two feet off the floor. who knew i'd miss anything.

i saw five bounce houses in one day. five. random bounce houses set up in different places, just following me around as i sat in a red car. smooshed between two people, i wasn't feeling self concious, i kept seeing bounce houses. different colors, representing castles, each one slightly moving, sort of waving as i passed by. five, i counted.

but this is me right now 4/9/06 my mind is swimming. there’s thoughts. there’s needs. there’s wants. it’s dim out. it’s night. i’m full of stuff just gutted in my belly. i’m not anyone to appreciate. i’m not sure what i feel about someone really caring a lot about me. maybe i’m so obsessed because i constantly doubt that he likes me as a friend. that he likes me as a person. there’s all these people that tell me how much i mean to them and my care begins this slow decent towards indifference. i doubt this is human nature. i feel it’s just a fucked up thing some people do. i’m part of that “some people.” i’m part of that fucked up society where everyone wants what they cant have. where everyone needs what can’t be given to them, ever. it’s been over for me. it’s been over for me for a long time and i have seen it. it’s been in my face. it’s been there and i’ve known. how many times have i told myself that it’s not about giving up? it’s about letting things be how they have fallen into place. i’m heartbroken. i’m hurting. i’m more selfish than you. there are no “buts” to this. there’s just me.

only do that type of shit so we'll ask, "why?" thus, i don't inquire.

i hate stupidity

even though for two days i've told myself that i haven't. i totally do. and now my stomach hurts a lot, and i shouldn't have eaten any more cereal. damn to the depths whoever made up emotions.

there's nothing else to say.

My favorite part of swimming is the flip turn. A whole second of pure perfection. Curled in a ball. A perfect fetal position. I am in the womb. Protected. Serene. Without need of air. Without worry. Everything is where and how it needs to be. And then, a second later, it's over. Until I reach the other side and experience it all over again.

Getting a break. Boy how I needed a break today. Waking up in a panic. Shit all over my room. Literal shit, by my door, by my bed, my dog doesn't know how to hold it. I want to go back to sleep, but I don't want to start today over. I don't want to do anything. I hate deadlines. I can't write for shit because nothing is coming out of my brain. I think about him all the time. I can't figure anything out. This is the first thing I've eaten all day. I thought the girl that took my order was a guy. That doesn't matter, but it's true. I have money, but I don't want to spend it. I'm holding out. I don't know what I'm waiting for. March is ten days away, less than, and I haven't lost any weight or gained any confidence. I wish to leave this place. It took me about 23 minutes to get here. I sped like a maniac. Begging for a ticket, except not really begging because that would be stupid. I mean, I want to be a girl, but girls are fucking stupid. Everyone is stupid. I am stupid, but girls are so extremely stupid. And boys, well boys are dumbasses. Everything is bitter today. Notice. Notice the blatant hostility that is trying to overwhelm this. I feel lost, and I wish I knew how to ask for help. Knew how, or just had the balls to do so. But I'm a girl. A stupid stupid girl.

i dont really mean any of this, but it's almost like i dont want to have friends anymore. like it's a hassle, or annoying, or all i feel like doing is laying in my bed watching movies. the same movies, over and over again. but not really watching them. putting them on and ignoring them because i dont need to watch them anymore, i know them so well. i know them so very well. all i feel like doing is day dreaming and wondering. wondering who's going to call me and when are they going to call me? i leave my room, i leave my cell phone places where i wont hear a phone call. i love missed calls. i love missed calls lately. i love missed calls more than received calls or text messages or voice-mails. i never return them either. barely ever do i return a missed call. i just like knowing someone tried to contact me, and then i like pretending i never knew. i can't get to bed. i'm sure i could fall asleep when i want, but i always push it. it's almost three am, i'm still awake. still awake, sitting here in the dark, a movie on in the background. i woke up at two o'clock pm today. two o'clock. i'm in a waste away zone

I want it to be the end of December. The end of January. I want results. I want to surround myself with artists. I want to surround myself with artists because I feel my mind, heart, soul, creativity is dwindling. I don't feel anything anymore. I've worked so hard on work. Six months of slaving away for the man, I have just money to show for it. I want to know what I want to create. Project after project but nothing exhibits what's inside of me. I've stopped writing. I've stopped shooting. I've stopped listening to people talk about their creations. I've stopped caring about colors. I've stopping caring about shadows. I've been climbing on roofs for a month. I don't have to do that anymore. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to have something to show you. I want to have something I'm proud to show you, or anyone. Anyone. I've been dating my job. I've been going out with my job and forgetting everyone else. When you forget people they start to forget you right back. It's not cute. It's almost time to bust out my scarf and start making up a smile.

I ate an egg this morning, like that's supppose to make me feel more accomplished. I'm tired and these late night monster attacks are getting to me. They're in my dreams and I feel like there's acid sliding up my throat.

this sucks.