Dear You, I'm sorry it's been so long. I hate myself. Not really. I went through some of your old stuff the other day. I found the rosary we blessed at your funeral. I used to keep it around my rear-view mirror until I rolled my car. I found your old glass shoes that you collected. I found some tea sets, and a cute little glass box that I'm now going to keep my rings in or something. Thank you for leaving all these things to me and all the jewelry you left to me. You were way ahead of your time, you fashionista. Things to save up for: A fat pug to put sweaters on. A giant tree house with a living room and electricity and a fire pole to slide down to the ground and a tire swing and a lookout tower. A barn full of animals. A hot tub. I'll have to add more to this later. Sincerely, Me

The other day I met an old lady from India. She wasn’t Indian though, she was british. And so cute. She used phrases like, ‘she’s lovely!’ and, ‘that’s just dreadful’. She told me about how she met her husband. I told her about some relationships. She said, ‘those kind of things make for great stories’. Then told me she was writing her autobiography and I told her I was too, kind of. She loved me because I read a lot of books. We talked about books for a while. I hope I’m her when I grow up. Anyway, tonight was a riot. It's St. Patrick's Day. I drank a little bit but not much. Mostly just smoked. My roommate, Tess... I really hate her. She thinks we're friends so she invited herself to the party at Amanda's and she was like, 'can you drive me?' I figured, whatever. So she gets wasted and pees in Amanda's cat's litter box and pukes everywhere. I hate her so much. I drove her home then went back to Amanda's. I can't wait until she moves out.

Dear you, I'm watching Say Yes to the Dress. You would have loved that show. It's weird to think that my ideal marriage age is only 6 years away. I thought my whole life would be planned out by now. I'd still be dating my first boyfriend, Mason, and we would get engaged soon then get married when we had a home and enough money. HAHA. You only met Mason once but, anyway. I love wedding dresses. It's depressing to watch this knowing I won't be able to afford any of these dresses. Well, I don't know. My dad is making his way up there. I guess he got a 150,000 dollar bonus. That makes me feel guilty because most of the people in the world don't even make that yearly. My dad's bonus was...... I'm hearing a lot of barking in my right ear, I hope I'm not hallucinating..... anyway, my dad's bonus was 100k more than most people even make in a year. It's weird. So maybe I could have the dress. My dad only splurges on the things we really need. Unless it's a cruise. He loves cruises. I'm supposed to hang out with my ex later. I think it's funny how I've told you everyone else's name except for his. It's Danny. It's funny how I thought his name was dumb before I got to know him. Now I love it... Okay, I'm going to hang out with Alex now. I think my roommate is home. Yuck. Sincerely, Me

Dear you, I love candles. I bought a strawberry candle at a store today. I think the cashier asked me for my number just so he could have it. Anyway, it's Amazing. I went to Amanda's tonight but she stayed downstairs with her boyfriend. Nolan, Alex, Sam, Ali and Eric were there with me. I'll tell you about them later. We played Apples to Apples and smoked and listened to The Shins. We burned 4 candles and tried to decide what the theme to their smoking room in the attic should be. I was the music picker. Sometimes they call me DJ Natty Ice. I think it's pretty hilarious. This post might be a little random. We decided those nights we hang out like that we'll say, "going to play poker" and it will make us sound really punky and rebellious. We were listening to awesome 90's music and I decided to play Steal My Sunshine by Len. Everyone just got really happy and listened and bounced. It was one of those infinite moments that friends have. I always wonder if people know when a song is perfect for a moment like I do. I mean, I always feel like I'm in a music video. Does everyone else do that? Anyway, Ali said, "I'm so happy to be here in this circle of people." None of us said anything but we smiled and all knew how she felt. As I walked down the stairs to leave I heard Amanda and Ryan laughing in her room. I felt happy knowing she was happy, even though I know he's bad for her. I'll let her be happy. Sometimes you just have to learn things on your own. I'm watching South Park. Are you surprised? I'm also texting my ex-boyfriend. Saying that makes me sigh. I'm so scared to try to write about that because it is so complicated. Sincerely, Me

Dear you, In the last entry I probably revealed too much stuff about me. I really think my pills are starting to kick in. I'm feeling pretty okay lately. You probably know that I have anxiety and depression. I should start seeing a counselor again. I don't want to rely on just pills like you did. But it helps that I'm going shopping today with some of my best friends, and then attending an attic party at another best friends' house. In case you don't know what an attic party is, we basically sit around smoking, laughing and listening to music in Amanda's attic. Feeling infinite. Amanda has been one of my two best friends of all time since 3rd grade. We've drifted since she got a controlling boyfriend. He doesn't know that she smokes cigarettes and/or weed, but he's away tonight. I hope you know I'll never smoke cigarettes, I watched them kill you. Actually, my dad always says your lungs were fine when you died. Personally, I think you died from being sad for so long. I wish you would have gotten some help. Anyway, my other best friend of all time is Georgia. Now I hope no one from the internet reads this and realizes who I am, but I'm pretty sure no one will. I would come up with fake names for them but I'd probably lose track. She's my heart and soul, she really is. I love her. Every time I think about her I think of the time I walked into her house (always without knocking, her house is my second home) and found her sobbing on the couch. I knew her grandmother had died the week before but I didn't know she was that upset about it. She's not one to show her emotions like that, and neither am I, so I felt a bit confused. "What's wrong?" "Nick... broke... up with me," she said between sharp breaths. She and Nick are the perfect couple. He treats her like a queen. She had a rough relationship that she couldn't get over until Nick came along and changed her life. He is everything I'd want for her. "I'm sure he'll come around," I sat next to her on the couch. And he did, I might add. She had been angry and depressed lately because her pills weren't working for her. I think she should go to counseling, although I've never suggested it before. I'm actually just thinking of that for the first time now. I handed her the flowers I brought for her in relation to her grandmother dying. She burst into tears again. "I love these, you're the best." We're friends that don't need to talk when we're together. Just being together is enough to fill the void. I sat back and turned on Jeopardy for her. She loves Jeopardy. "Jeopardy is seriously the only thing I look forward to every day." "You have a sad life." And we laughed. Sincerely, Me

Dear you, I'm committing myself to writing. I just read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower for the 50th time and decided that every book should be written like that. Like a letter to someone who won't be named. So I guess I will copy the author, but all credit goes to that genius. 50 was an exaggeration by the way. I'm also committing to doing things that are good for me. Relaxing. Studying. Working out. Eating healthy. Being single although I'm still in love with my ex. I'll tell you more about that later. I decided not to feel guilty about smoking pot pretty often. It's relaxing and helps me sleep. It keeps my nightmares away too. Just have to stop eating so much shit when I do. I went on a cruise to Mexico last week and lost a bunch of weight, got a tan, and recollected myself. I swam with dolphins and rode a carousel. I'm 20 years old and most of the time I watch Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, does that make me weird? I guess. I am weird. I think people falling asleep in public and puking noises are the funniest things. I love when people are random and loud and make fun of me and themselves. I talk very quietly, I'm not shy though. I have a mouse and I live with a cat. I'll explain that later. I want to have a farm full of animals some day. Sincerely, Me

I love New York City. It'd be nice to feel rich and famous all the time. To have people opening doors for me. Riding in limos. People offering me drinks on a tray and bowing after I take one. My uncle is so rich. If I had asked for liquor they would have given it to me, even though I'm underage, just because they want to kiss my uncle's ass. I love the lights. I want to live fast. I want culture and art and romance in my life. I really hope I make it. I don't have to be rich. I just want to be able to live where I want to live and do something I love. For some reason I have faith in myself. I think it's because I knew what I wanted to do when I was 6 years old, and now I'm going to do it. I didn't really know what it meant to say, "I want to be an artist when I grow up", and I'm sure I changed my mind a few times along the way, but only because I thought I wasn't being practical. But now it doesn't matter. I'm going to do it because I love it. I'm pretty sure that's becoming my new motto. I do the things I do because I love them. And I don't care.

I love waking up to new snow on the ground. Every time I move my eyes it feels like someone is stabbing my temples. Last night's dream: Me and a few other people (I don't remember) are swimming in a lake. The lake turns into a big field of tall grass, and we are all standing at the edge of it, leaning on a fence. Past the fence, there is a shack-type house, about 100 feet away. Further up the hill there is a barn. We can see cows and bulls roaming around up there. We're saying things like, "I wouldn't want to live there, it's so small." Then, we notice a cow is running around in the pen. A bull is chasing it. We all start laughing because we're pretty sure we've never seen a cow run before. The cow breaks out, followed by the bull, and they are coming towards us. I don't see where the cow went but the bull is now charging us. I don't move fast enough. I am amazed at how huge this thing is. Giant horns. Hazel eyes. My friends(?) are gone. They've run to the other side of the field. I start running, but the bull scoops me up underneath my arms with his horns. I go flying into the air, and as I'm coming back down, he kicks his legs back and they slam into my chest. I'm now laying with my head on the ground. I know I'm hurt but I don't really feel it. I say, "Do you really have to hurt me?" The bull comes closer to my face, and breathes on my neck. He licks my cheek. I smile. Then, he moves back a ways, and starts digging into the ground with his hooves. "Okay. I'm going to let you do this, but no more after this one," I say. The bull comes charging back, stabs his horns into my shoulders, and flings me up into the air again. I land with a thud on the ground, and I'm surrounded by my blood. I'm about to die. I ask, "Why are you doing this? I don't want to hurt you." Apparently the bull can talk, because he says, "I'm sorry. It's just what I do." And I wake up.

I'm not sure what's going on. I've been ready for bed since I woke up. I'd like a hot shower. I'd like to have my own apartment where I don't have to talk to anyone or pretend to be awake and happy. I just want to sit on a couch with some tea and a blanket after having a bath and feel free to sleep and watch TV and have a small dog that wears sweaters and forget all these college applications and forget all this homework and forget that my dad keeps asking what's wrong with me, bless his heart. I love my dad, I really do. I just don't want to talk. I don't know if this thing will make me feel better. It's just a reminder that I can't tell you how I feel. Maybe. I don't know. "You" as in, you. And "you" as in, world. I hope if anyone ever sees this they have a hard time understanding. P.S., Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist was a good movie. "I don't want to compete. I know I'm not pretty like that." Sincerely, Me.