Christmas Gift Plans [yes, already]: Sean - a dvd, a cd, a book, a guitar tab book, a framed & blown up picture of us Mom - amazing grace lotion and perfume Ashley - not sure yet Nick - not sure yet Step Dad - not sure yet

I'm hurting so much inside. So fucking much and there's nothing I can do about it. I can't stop eating. I can't stop crying. I can't stop getting stress headaches. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop fighting my emotions. I can't keep pushing reality away. All rapists should fucking die. FUCK YOU ERIC.

Okay so I picked up the shirt I wore that night and I haven't had a chance to wash it yet... and I was going to wear it again since it's not too stretched out yet and I smelled it to make sure it wasn't stinky or anything and it smelled super strongly of pot. This should have repulsed me, brought back memories, whatever, but instead I thought it smelled really good and it made me want to smoke again. Does this make any sense? The one time I get stoned I get raped and now I want to smoke again? I make no sense. Before I thought that I would never want anything to do with alcohol or pot again and now here I am, craving it. I think it's because I just want to forget. I just want to numb myself... and what better way. I used to think the smell of pot was disgusting but not anymore... now I want it. I'm so fucked up...

So basically I'm afraid of every guy in the world now. Like they all must be disgusting and horrible and perverted. I can't help thinking it. The only guy I can trust is Tristan. To be honest, I don't know when I'll ever be able to do anything physical with him. I almost did today but when I saw his... um... bits lol I was disgusted. There's nothing wrong with him, I've always thought of him as perfect but after what happened to me I see things differently. I need to tell my mom. I need to do something about this. He fucked up my emotions and my thoughts so now I'm going to fuck up his life and talk to the cops. After I talk to my mom. I think... maybe I won't tell either one.

Alright. I just need to type it. I haven't actually said the words out loud yet but I've thought them. I was raped. I was hanging out with a few friends and I got high for the first time and drank more than I've ever drank in my life. This guy kept making me take shots when I didn't want to but he wouldn't shut up so I just kept taking them and then when I got sick my friend was going to take care of me but she was drunk to and after a while he persuaded her to let him take care of me. All I remember is puking into a bucket for a long time and then my next memory is of this guy on top of me and my arms pinned down while I'm saying "no.. no... no" over and over. I woke up wearing just my pants and shirt, no underwear or bra. I remember what happened a feel like I'm going to puke and see this guy lying next to me. I couldn't fall back asleep, I just lied there and waited for him to leave. I kept what happened to myself all day and then when Tristan came to pick me up later I told him what happened and tried to force me to go to the hospital but I wouldn't go. Then he brought me back to his place and tried to convince me that I needed to tell someone. Then when we got back to school yesterday he finally was like "I'm calling someone" and he left. He showed up with one of our friends and we all cried for a while and then she convinced me that I had to go to the police and the health center. So I will. When I took a shower this morning I saw bruises on my arms on each side in the same spot and a bruise on my jaw and another on my left leg. I'm so scared right now... what if I find out that I got some disease from him? Tristan has been so great with all of this... he's really helping me deal with everything. I just can't believe this happened to me... it's like a dream. Especially since I was so drunk and high... ugh I wish I could remember more.

my heart has to make a decision. why do girls always find the guy that they know would be perfect for them, but stick to the guy that they know they'll never be happy with? why can't i let go... no matter how logical it seems to stay with tristian, my heart doesn't want it. i love him in my head, but i don't want him in my heart.

I'm sick of myself. I want to be as perfect as I can be for Tristan so I'm going to lose weight. I'm only 5'2 so 100 pounds is normal. I have a really small frame too, so 100 doesn't look sickly at all. It just looks good. I used to weigh 95 pounds last summer and now I'm 110. I feel so gross, blah. Today I ate a cinnamon bagel with cream cheese for lunch and I don't know if I'm going to eat dinner... maybe just an apple sauce or something. Or a salad from the dining hall. Yeah, I don't want to be too drastic. I'll get a salad with chicken for dinner. I CAN GET BACK TO 100 POUNDS, NO MATTER WHAT. I give myself until March. I think that's a healthy goal, considering it gives me a few weeks to lose only 10 pounds. I CAN DO THIS.

Further proof that I'm a psycho: I was just thinking that I might be ready to have sex again when a conversation I had with Tristan today caused me to say something different. We were talking about how just a few months ago he thought sex was nothing but a physical thing and now he says he has changed his mind. I asked him what he thinks it means now and he couldn't answer. After a bunch of reaching answers I finally said, "No, I'll tell you what it means. It is being as close to that person as you can possibly be. It is being vulnerable because one of you is letting someone inside, physically and emotionally, while the other is proving that they are ready to be inside that other person, physically and emotionally. It is becoming one person, for those moments. It is love. And you know what I just realized? Now that I've finally decided what sex means, I've also decided that I'm not ready to be doing it with you because you don't love me and I'm not sure I love you yet either. So until you decide you love me, we're not having sex. If you don't think you'll ever love me then I guess that means we're never having sex again." I didn't say any of this with an angry tone, I said it in speculation, because I had never really thought about it. Near the end I probably sounded more determined because this is going to be hard for me, as well as him, but I know it's the right decision. Now I just have to hope he doesn't tell me he loves me just to get some. Tristan isn't that kind of guy but you never know.

I feel like maybe I'm rushing things. How do I know if I love Tristan? I don't know. It's so soon. I should just slow myself down mentally. I know I haven't told him I love him yet but I'm still going too fast in my head. Everything in this relationship has gone too fast and this is one thing I can make sure doesn't go too fast. We had sex after only knowing each other for a few weeks, he was sleeping in my bed before the month was over and we've already broken up twice when I was drunk and scared of how fast things had gone. I went to school with the intent of not even having a relationship and look what happened. I really do care about him, and if he really cares about me too then we'll have plenty of time to get closer as time goes on. I don't need to push things to go faster with us. We went to see Hostel last night. I'm never going to Slovakia, or wherever it was, in my entire life, lol. I am now afraid of foreign countries. I don't recommend anyone go see that movie. It was basically a porn with torture mixed in. Any sick person's dream movie. Tristan and I haven't had sex in probably about 2 months. That's probably not good for him but I'm kind of happy about it. I didn't want to have sex so soon and I guess this is a way of making up for it. I stopped taking the birth control and told him I didn't want to have sex for a while. He was obviously a little disappointed, but okay with it. He was really respectful. Lately though, I'm thinking I'm ready again...

I want to feel prettier. I always feel like the "cute" girl. I don't want to be just cute, I want to feel like people notice me. I know, it's really superficial but I'm being honest. I feel like maybe if I went tanning more [no one likes a pale japanese girl lol], or if my hair would grow faster so I can cut it the way I want it, or if I could go get my lip waxed again SOON, or lose 6 pounds, or grow an extra inch, or buy better clothes, or my boobs will ever decide to stop being an A cup in this lifetime. I guess I'll always just be the "cute" one. A little better looking than average, but never the most attractive in the room. I guess it doesn't matter, I should focus more on my personality [which also needs a ton of work]. I want to be a better girlfriend to Tristan. I'm so negative all the time. I nag, when I'm mad I say things that I don't mean, I talk behind his back to his friends, I'm always making fun of him, I'm selfish, I'm always looking for what I can get out of the relationship... I'm horrible to him. I really do need to try harder to make him happy and put his feelings before mine. Right now I don't deserve him, and I want to make sure that he's getting what he deserves. So I'll try to be what he needs.

I didn't get in trouble! Tristan didn't even come over so there was nothing to worry about. He did end up coming over last night though. We went out to eat :) and it tasted amazing! We went to a really big buffett and I loved everything on it. Then we went back to my house and watched Wicker Park. I've been wanting him to watch it for a while because it's one of my favorite movies. It was pretty late after that and he was supposed to be gone by 10pm but I made him stay for an extra half hour ♥ because I wasn't tired yet and I didn't want to stay awake by myself at my house. Both of my parents were already asleep so I would have been really bored. So it's official. I definitely love him. But we haven't said it yet. Even though I know I love him, I also know that the time isn't right. It can't hurt to wait, right? I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM, I LOVE HIM!!! Haha. When I look at him I can't help but smile. I'm constantly staring at him because he's the only thing worth looking at wherever we are. I even miss important parts of movies, lol. He's so perfect! Not only does he have a perfect body [tall, muscular, pretty green eyes] he has an amazing personality. I've never met anyone like him and I don't think I ever will. He's been so respectful and thoughtful since I met him. He's always looking for ways to make me happy. He's smart, funny, beautiful lol, athletic, caring, sweet! He's everything! ♥

Tristan came over tonight ♥ He came over right after he got out of work at 5:00 and ate dinner with my parents and I. It's the first time he's eaten a meal here. He helped my step-dad make cheeseburgers/chickedburgers on the grill. I thought it was cute so I took pictures, lol. Then I taught Tristan how to play a song on the guitar and he played a few other songs while my mom and I sang with him. When I looked around the room at all of us singing I felt pretty NOT cool, haha, but it was fun so oh well. After he was done I played and sang for a while. When we got bored with that my mom put in a tape of my real dad [he lives in canada] playing his guitar. It was the tape that inspired me to learn how to play. Tristan and I didn't know what to do after that since it was too late to start watching a movie so we just hung out in my room until he had to leave. He decided that since we aren't going to the park anymore [last time scared us out of going back] we need to find another way to spend time alone. He said he might come over tomorrow while my parents are at work ;) The only thing that sucks is sometimes my step-dad comes home at random times during the day, just because he can. He tells his boss he's "in the office" and makes me be quiet. So if Tristan comes over tomorrow and my step-dad happens to come home too... I'll have a very interesting entry for everyone to read tomorrow, haha.

Everything was fine, my parents didn't suspect anything so it must not have been their friends that pulled into the park, or my step-dad's truck that stopped and turned around. That's a lot of stress that I dont' have to deal with anymore :) I hung out with Tristan last night. I went to his aunts house and played Scattergories with his family. I'm usually really shy but I was being just as loud as everyone else. I think I made a good first impression on his extended family too. We left his aunt's house around 11pm and went over to his friend Richard's house. I met a bunch of his friends from high school and we stayed there until around 2am. They're pretty cool people. One of them chugged some tequilla and ended up projectile vomiting everywhere in the basement not too long after. Richard wasn't too happy about that... Then Tristan and I went back to his house and I slept in his sisters room. I felt bad for taking her bed, but Tristan's mom insisted. I would have been more than happy to sleep on the futon downstairs! Or even a floor somewhere! I'm not a picky person when it comes to where I sleep. I know I've only been with him for three months and a week, but it feels like a lot longer when you're in college because you see the person constantly. I spend pretty much every single day with Tristan. I sleep in his bed every night. I eat meals with him. I have the same friends as him. It's nearly impossible not to be around him. Things have been moving really slow emotionally and I like that because I've never had a relationship where a guy has been so guarded with his emotions. It can be a good thing, because then you don't have people saying mushy things just because they feel like they should, without actually meaning it. The problem is... for the past week or so... or longer... I've been thinking that I really, really, really like him. A lot. Like... maybe even love him. I think he feels the same way too. I can see it in the way he looks at me. How he can't keep his eyes off of me. How he's constantly touching my hand, my leg, holding me. How he always thinks of me first. How he puts up with all my crap. How he cried when I tried to break up with him when I was drunk and wasn't thinking straight one night, lol. Don't get me wrong, he isn't some little girl. He seems distant almost because he never talks about his feelings but things like that show me that he really does care. We have this thing, where I ask him how much he likes me and he tells me "a bunch" and I ask him how much a bunch is, in percent, lol. It's gotten all the way up to 96.5 percent, haha, and I think it's understood what it means when he reaches 100. I just want to tell him that I love him, AHH! But I know the time isn't right. We still need some time to make sure it's how we really feel. Good thing he's not rushing things because I probably would have told him that I loved him over a month ago and I probably wouldn't have meant it. I wouldn't just let him say it and then change the subject, I'd feel mean! So I'm glad he's doing this. Even though it's driving me crazy!

Tristan and I met this fall in our first year at college. We've been dating for a little over three months now and since we're always in college I don't get to see his family much. Well tonight I went over to his house for the second time and it has been quite an interesting night. First, his dad came home while Tristan was feeding the dogs and the first thing he did was walk right over to me and start talking about random things. I was nervous and it was probably obvious because next thing I know he's talking about this egg nog he made and he wanted me to try some. I agreed and when he came back with a pretty big glass of it he asked me how old I was. I told him I was 18 and he said, "Oh well, just don't have too much." So it obviously had alcohol in it. I felt a little awkward since the last time an adult offered me alcohol was NEVER. I tried to drink it slowly but I hadn't had anything to eat or drink the entire day so I drank it pretty fast. That thing was LOADED with alcohol. I could taste more alcohol than anything else. Well, considering the fact that I hadn't eaten anything at all, it got to me pretty quickly. My head started feeling a little funny and when Tristan walked in I couldn't stop laughing. I tried to calm down because his parents wanted to play Scattergories but I was definitely not being the quiet, shy person I normally am when I still don't know people very well. I wasn't being obnoixious though, so I doubt he attributed my change in behavior to the egg nog. I wonder if he gave it to me on purpose since he noticed I was nervous... who knows. So after the egg nog wore off Tristan and I watched a movie and after that we were finding it hard to keep our hands off of each other so he told his parents he was bringing me home. Well we had other plans and he brought me to the park a few miles away from my house. The parking lot is visible from the road, even at night, but only if you're looking hard. We figured no one would be looking hard since we had been there many a time before and had no problems. Well things were getting pretty intense. I was completely naked and Tristan had his shirt off. Then we saw headlights but we figured it was just someone driving by. WE WERE WRONG. The lights were getting brighter and brighter so I screamed and Tristan jumped into the front seat. I was yelling at him to drive while I searched everywhere for something to cover myself with. I found my jacket as the SUV drove right by Tristian's car and managed to quickly cover myself. I was still yelling at Tristan, who was driving into a snow bank and helplessly bumping into the blinker switch and flashing his lights. Finally he managed to drive the car out of the park, after the SUV had already left. I couldn't see the driver of the vehicle so I didn't know if it was my parents. Tristan and I were freaking out and we didn't know what to do so he was going to just bring me home. As we were on our way to my house, only about a minute or less away, a blue truck [the same kind my step-dad has] drove slowly by us. The truck quickly stopped, pulled into a driveway, and turned around. I screamed at Tristan to floor it and we took off down the road, making a quick left in the opposite direction of my house. We kept driving and driving for about half an hour and came up with a plan. I would buy something at Wal-Mart and tell my parents that we went to Wal-Mart and Denny's if they asked where I had been. My parents had been hanging out with their friends tonight. Their friends usually leave at about the time Tristan and I were at the park and they drive an SUV. They're the kind of people who would stop and check the park if my parents suggested it as a joke. They could have then called my parents from a cell phone and said there were some kids in the park and my step dad would have just been on his way to check it out. I think Tristan and I overreacted. But at least we played it safe and now we have an proven allibi, my walmart purchase. I definitely don't feel like I've graduated from high school and have been in college for a semester. I can't wait to get back to school in 2 weeks. Break sucks. So anyway I got home and my parents were asleep. I'll find out tomorrow if they know anything and I'll make sure to post the results.