6 months pregnant. It's a girl. She's definitely making her presence known. My mind is at a level that I don't want another day..but I can't be that selfish..not with her almost here. I'd love to be 15 again and at an accoustic concert..just myself and loud beautiful music. I wish.

All I can think about lately is the enormous amount of stress and disorganization I have going on. It's driving me nuts. & Then I read Nicks blog. The most true and genuine man I have ever met in my life. I'm crossing my fingers. I will absolutely fall apart if I lose him. He's so sick and fighting so hard. I keep telling myself he will beat cancers ass..and god knows I want to believe it but I'm so scared. I would never tell him or anyone that..But blah. I feel like I have gotten so twisted up in my own mess of a life that I haven't been the best friend or person for him that I could be.There's no excuse, I just need to do it. I love him. God I love him dearly. If there's any one person outside of family who absolutely needs to be in my childs life..it's him. Come back Nick..keep going. I love you I love you I love you. This world is a wonderful place because you are in it.

Be my distraction...?

I do admit I have a strange obsession with watching MTV's Teen Mom. Don't ask why, I hate reality TV for the most part but it draws me in. After watching every episode on on Demand guess what I find out? I'm pregnant.. I'm 21..not a teen but I feel just as scared and confused as they do. One day I'm so happy and excited and the next I'm lost and about to poop my pants. It's doable, I want this child more than anything, but I know he won't be there forever. Basically I have to deal with knowing I will be a single mom. He's gotten violent the past week..and it's not the first time. It's a vicious cycle/pattern. He goes out partying, doesn't think about my feelings, comes home, I'm upset, he gets roaringly mad and pissed off..throws things and then pushes me. Or grabs me. Or calls me a bitch or a psycho. We're getting married in October. Why do I do this to myself and my unborn child? I don't know, I need a fucking reality check. It's hard with my family putting so much time money and effort into helping me plan and do everything. I think I need to run far far away for a few days. Just me myself and I..and well little tiny baby in belly. We can drive for hours, listen to music, and ponder life. No cigarettes since I'd like him to breathe okay. Damn I miss those things. I'm not going to get mad or care anymore what he does..Seriously. And I'm just going to focus on making myself happy because right now that's the only healthy and viable option. Otherwise everything will fall apart..as if it hasn't already. I love knowing that only strangers will read this and I'd love to know what they think about me. I wouldn't care enough to be upset or hurt, because clearly I know my image portrayal is that of a fucking retard. But that's not why I write on here, so whateverrr.

I feel a lot of emotion after reading all my past posts. They are far and few..but they're all filled with so much negative emotion and energy. I've pulled this far..and things have changed. I think a bad sign is that occasionally I sit and ask myself.."Okay, how am I going to end this, it's time." Then the next moment or day or week I feel totally renewed. Confused? In denial? Lost? Truly happy? What is truly happy? If I knew..I probably wouldn't think the things I do. Is it weird to get random crushes on random people for very little reason? The engaged neighbor across the hall who gives a slight smile..yet is very sheepish and shy and possibly creepy? Whom our only interaction was when he changed my oil at the dealership I took my car. (HAHA yes I can't even change my own oil.) Or how about the other neighbor..who is a good friend, co-worker..and past bang buddy? He pops into mind. Sometimes I feel guilty for those feelings..sometimes not. I guess I'm human. Some would say that makes me a whore. I don't give a shiiit. It's me. BUt it KILLS me to think of him having those same feelings. That's very one-sided..I totally know and agree.BUT I do so damn much..it kills me. I feel conceited even writing these words but I'm told all the time that I'm drop dead gorgeous..hott..pretty..etc. I believe that I am..inside and out! && I take care of every single thing he needs..and it's taken for granted. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've been told, "Wow, he is one lucky son of a bitch. To have a beautiful woman like you love him and take care of him so much!" And yet I don't think he sees it that way. Possibly an explanation for my feelings. I don't do what I do for anything in return..however it'd be DAMN FUCKING NICE ..to have him come home and tell me.. "Hey babe, WOW!! Look at our place..it's sparkling clean..everything's put away and organized. My dirty socks and booger covered t-shirts that were once spewn across the floor are now miraculously clean, folded, and put away where I can find them! I'm hungry..and great! Every food I could possibly think of wanting is stocked and put in the fridge. AND DAMN..most importantly..you look smoking hott." That's wayyy too much to ask? I tell myself it is..but damn there is a man out there who would appreciate me... I think it's a combination of a few things. I'm his first girlfriend..so he might assume that this is normal. Also because of his culture it may just be normal for me to be the 'wifey' type figure. Or he could just be a totally conceited and cocky dick who expects this is what HE deserves because he's hott. Well one thing I know for sure..I love the fuck out of him..and he is DAMN sexy... but I cannot live the rest of my life like this. SO we'll see.. WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO WAKE HIM UP?!?!?! Scare tactic? or just..time and maturity..I don't fucking know. but wow it feels good to get this all out..plus the beer helps. Cigarette break..and dog walking time. Toodles.

How can the person you're in love with be SUCH a total opposite? I don't understand. I'm so in love, he's my everything..yet he's nothing like me. I can't fault him for it but I'm disgusted with his thoughts and the way he thinks. I know we come from two totally different worlds, two different countries. We grew up way different..different family, different friends, different school, culture..everything. Yet something drew us to each other. I want to marry him. I want to be with him always! Yet nights like tonight, I want to run away as far from him as possible while screaming bloody murder. I think it's my own rage. I just don't understand close mindedness. How someone can possibly be so one sided... I love all people, things, beings. He..not so much. I understand there's a lot of hate and evil in this world..but I also believe there is so much good if you can look past exteriors. I would give anybody a second chance. I also think that he feels he is above me intellectually. That pisses me off royally. To be told "You would never understand. You've never been to where I've been or seen what I've seen. You don't know..you live in America you're blind to everything." True I haven't lived elsewhere but I'm not dumb nor naive or ignorant to what goes on beyond these walls. I may not have as vast a knowledge as someone else, but I certainly know the world isn't daisies and lollipops. Thanks for my rant tonight keyboard..I appreciate you taking my finger beating.

It's sad how afraid I am to even post on here. Nothing is private anymore. I don't care what strangers may stumble across this, but god forbid they read it. I just cleaned my entire huge 1000 sq. foot apartment and have dinner cooking for my 'boyfriend' to come home to. He will gulp down two plates then head on his merry way to his next destination. I'm happy he has classes tonight because now I can go visit a friend who happens to be another male. It will be a nice break from things. I know this friend really needs my company and ear tonight. But it's almost kind of messed up because there's always been sexual tension between us, and his 'love' is my boss. What the fuck am I doing? I can't help but like good people though, and want to be around them. Smashing Pumpkings just came on and now I feel good. Amazing what a song change can do. It's practically a blizzard outside. I normally love winter, but my skin needs some sunshine. Or some city lights. ; ) *Inserts NYC picture here* Anyone mind telling me how to get a URL for a picture? I'm slightly technology inept. Thanks!

Haha I feel deprived. That's horribly selfish of me, but I do. WHy? I chose to live this life and now I have to suffer the consequences. I can't take one more night. One more fake smile, one more load of laundry, or one more punch to my face. Is this what my life was supposed to become? I don't feel like it is but no one is going to save me. THis is a battle I need to pull out of. My heart hurts right now. Literallly/ Perhaps it's this coconut rum. ? took a quick breather. Think it's the way I'm positioned on my chair. I'm sure the alcohol doesn't help. Fuck I feel like blowing my brains out.