I do admit I have a strange obsession with watching MTV's Teen Mom. Don't ask why, I hate reality TV for the most part but it draws me in. After watching every episode on on Demand guess what I find out? I'm pregnant..

I'm 21..not a teen but I feel just as scared and confused as they do. One day I'm so happy and excited and the next I'm lost and about to poop my pants. It's doable, I want this child more than anything, but I know he won't be there forever. Basically I have to deal with knowing I will be a single mom. He's gotten violent the past week..and it's not the first time. It's a vicious cycle/pattern.

He goes out partying, doesn't think about my feelings, comes home, I'm upset, he gets roaringly mad and pissed off..throws things and then pushes me. Or grabs me. Or calls me a bitch or a psycho. We're getting married in October.

Why do I do this to myself and my unborn child? I don't know, I need a fucking reality check. It's hard with my family putting so much time money and effort into helping me plan and do everything. I think I need to run far far away for a few days. Just me myself and I..and well little tiny baby in belly. We can drive for hours, listen to music, and ponder life. No cigarettes since I'd like him to breathe okay. Damn I miss those things.

I'm not going to get mad or care anymore what he does..Seriously. And I'm just going to focus on making myself happy because right now that's the only healthy and viable option. Otherwise everything will fall apart..as if it hasn't already. I love knowing that only strangers will read this and I'd love to know what they think about me. I wouldn't care enough to be upset or hurt, because clearly I know my image portrayal is that of a fucking retard. But that's not why I write on here, so whateverrr.