I feel a lot of emotion after reading all my past posts. They are far and few..but they're all filled with so much negative emotion and energy. I've pulled this far..and things have changed. I think a bad sign is that occasionally I sit and ask myself.."Okay, how am I going to end this, it's time." Then the next moment or day or week I feel totally renewed. Confused? In denial? Lost? Truly happy? What is truly happy? If I knew..I probably wouldn't think the things I do. Is it weird to get random crushes on random people for very little reason? The engaged neighbor across the hall who gives a slight smile..yet is very sheepish and shy and possibly creepy? Whom our only interaction was when he changed my oil at the dealership I took my car. (HAHA yes I can't even change my own oil.) Or how about the other neighbor..who is a good friend, co-worker..and past bang buddy? He pops into mind. Sometimes I feel guilty for those feelings..sometimes not. I guess I'm human. Some would say that makes me a whore. I don't give a shiiit. It's me.

BUt it KILLS me to think of him having those same feelings. That's very one-sided..I totally know and agree.BUT I do so damn much..it kills me. I feel conceited even writing these words but I'm told all the time that I'm drop dead gorgeous..hott..pretty..etc. I believe that I am..inside and out! && I take care of every single thing he needs..and it's taken for granted. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've been told, "Wow, he is one lucky son of a bitch. To have a beautiful woman like you love him and take care of him so much!" And yet I don't think he sees it that way. Possibly an explanation for my feelings. I don't do what I do for anything in return..however it'd be DAMN FUCKING NICE ..to have him come home and tell me..

"Hey babe, WOW!! Look at our place..it's sparkling clean..everything's put away and organized. My dirty socks and booger covered t-shirts that were once spewn across the floor are now miraculously clean, folded, and put away where I can find them! I'm hungry..and great! Every food I could possibly think of wanting is stocked and put in the fridge. AND DAMN..most importantly..you look smoking hott."

That's wayyy too much to ask? I tell myself it is..but damn there is a man out there who would appreciate me...

I think it's a combination of a few things. I'm his first girlfriend..so he might assume that this is normal. Also because of his culture it may just be normal for me to be the 'wifey' type figure. Or he could just be a totally conceited and cocky dick who expects this is what HE deserves because he's hott. Well one thing I know for sure..I love the fuck out of him..and he is DAMN sexy... but I cannot live the rest of my life like this. SO we'll see..

WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO WAKE HIM UP?!?!?!

Scare tactic? or just..time and maturity..I don't fucking know. but wow it feels good to get this all out..plus the beer helps.

Cigarette break..and dog walking time.

Toodles.