TEN DAY UNTIL I LEAVE FOR JACKSONVILLE! and I couldn't wait another day longer. I need to get out of here. I can't stand being here anymore. I don't think I'm going to come back next summer. I can't fucking stand it here. I hate living at home because im treated like a 12 year old. Its so fucking miserable I don't understand how casey has lived here for so long. Even my therapist thinks it is a terrible household to live in and can tell how incredibly disfunctional and fucked up my family is. Ten days and I will be gone forever.. which reminds me that I have packing to do.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. I am barely breathing and I can't find the air. Don't know who i'm kidding imagining you care. And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day. I Keep falling into these fucking traps. I thought Matt was perfect. fuck him. And Fuck Ricky too. I'm so sick of having feelings. I wish I could feel nothing at all. just a heart of stone. I don't need these people with false intentions. And now Ricky lives with Lauren, so I have to see him, and we can just be "good friends" fuck you. FUck fuck fuck. oh wait I did, and it just fucked me over. It wasn't even great sex, but i wanted more. If you give a moose a muffin... Yeah I knew he had a girlfriend, but who the fuck am I to believe that? she doesn't even have sex and lives in AZ. Well I'm glad someone is happy and has his dream girl. Fuck him. I dont care if i'm bitter, I already know I am. I hate guys. I figure I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life anyways. I might as well get used to it. Fuck Shane. and Lukas, and Ricky, and Matt. Fuck Chris Sweeney. I just want to break down. Make it all be over with. I don't want to have feelings for anyone any more. I'm so over it. Fuck love, its all lies, there is no such thing as true love.

I am currently laying in bed, been awake since 9:30 but its dark and i have nothing to do so i am not getting up yet. I have been thinking about matt a lot. I really like him, but what im most mad about isnt that he just stopped talking to me or whatever, im mad that I liked him so much, and i fell for him, and now look at me. I'm pathetic. He obviously expected me to go to florida and that would be that. but nope, I stayed here, and he doesnt want to get attatched. well too fucking late for that. I hate that I like him so much. hes so fucking perfect. Usually i would just focus on his flaws and then i get over him but he has very few. The fist being that he wont talk to me. thats kinda a problem. The second, he talks to his ex. which could have a lot to do with it. And thats it. Thats all ive got. So do I keep pursuing him? leave it at neutral.. we can be friends? ignore him (which will be terribly difficult for me)? or make him jealous? I dont want to hurt him, but i want to make him jealous because im so mad at him. The biggest problem with that is i have no one to make him jealous with. So i would have to just look extra pretty, fun, and cool around him..aka be myself. It was just so perfect being with him for that one week. I wish I had the balls to talk to him. I think i will need to discuss this matter thoroughly with Lauren and Diane and get the opinions. Lauren knows him so she will share the approach method, but Diane will tell me what to do. Bahhhh why is he so perfect? I planned our wedding this morning. It was beautiful and amazing. Shit I really fell for this boy. 11:28:50

So The doctor says therapy and anti-depressants. yipee. so today is the second day ive taken them, only 2 more weeks before it does anything. ugh. I couldn't sleep last night. I just laid awake thinking about Matt Brannen. I need to not do that. I guess lauren asked him what was up and he doesn't want to get too attached because we are going back to school in August. As if i never thought about that but seriously.. I dont think he needed to stop talking to me completely. I havent seen him in a while, or talked to him. like 5 days? It just makes me sad. I think i will get over him if i dont see him.. like this, but i dont want that to happen. I like when he is at Laurens and is around, even if we are just friends, but i will never get over it that way. He was perfect. I pretty much didnt go to florida because of him. well thats a lie, but he definitely had a part in it. I guess the way I see it is that I can go back to school sad because i just had the most amazing summer with him, or I can go back to school sad because of what could have been. I choose option 1. I just wish he had said something about it instead of just not talking to me. I'm not looking for a hook-up. I want him. just someone amazing and smart to be around and hold my hand. He is exactly what I had hoped for when i came home, and i guess its too good to be true that i found him so soon. I hope its not over. I know hes going to a concert tonight in VT, but i may text him this afternoon anyways. I did talk to ricky now. He understands how this would absolutely never work, why im crazy, and why i need him as a friend more than anything. basically Matt and i were the taylor swift song "Mine" but then it turned into "The story of us" which is incredibly upsetting if you have ever heard the two. Shane is crazy, we got into a funny fight the other night because I responded to something with "ohh". He is a d-bag. I called him an ignorant piece of shit and said im sorry that you are so intellectually closed. bahaha. I hate him. well I suppose I should start the day. My room is clean so I think im going to clean the downstairs. bleh.

today was a bad day emotionally. I'm not sure If I will be okay this summer. I don't think I'll be okay anywhere. I dream of this summer, but i need to be more realistic. Nothing is ever as good as it seems. I guess im not very good at preparing for the worst. I am too positive in life and I think that is my downfall. that is where I will screw everything up. False hopes, false promises. I believe them every time. I just wonder when i will stop. Some say that optimism is what keeps people going in life, having hope. In some cases I believe that can be true. but not mine. nothing good seems to come of it. just more let downs. I'm tired of people telling me that I have the power to make my life better when the truth is, I am not very powerful, I am only one person, and I certainly do not have the authority and power to change all that is around me.

I have four core values; Love Labor Learning & Loyalty. Although I treasure each one, I found Learning to be the most important. You can learn to love, myself, my sister, my mother. You can learn what true loyalty is; my sisters, my love, and true friends. Diane. You can learn to work hard, for a purpose, for your goals, and for others. Learning is important. My whole life I was perfect. and I say this because I never had to learn from my mistakes, I learned from my two older sister's mistakes. They Taught me everything not to do. But on my own at school, I made some mistakes of my own. They were big and hurtful to myself and others, but I unfortunately didn't see this until the smoke had cleared, and I had broken my own heart. I learned about some precious things in life, and a lot about myself. I don't always know how I feel or what I want in life. In fact im incredibly indecisive and don't even know what I want for breakfast. But I learned that I need to make decisions. I refused to choose and to make one between two hearts. My own wild heart and another loves. I didn't choose because I couldn't make a decision. I was selfish and wanted both of them so thats what I did. If I had chosen one or the other. I would have saved a lot of feelings, but I don't trust myself to always make the right decisions, and with this mistake, I wouldn't be where I am today. i've always liked learning and exploring new things. Whether its genocide, history, wild animals, beasts, made-up creatures, but learning about yourself.. that is scary.

Today diane called me. and i left class cause i knew it would be important, but shes not coming back and it broke my heart. I know she needs to go home, but what am i supposed to do without her? she was my world, way more than a best friend or a sister, she was my world. I need her by my side <3

So today I got in a car accident. I rearended a mini van with my ford ranger truck. yeah. it sucked and of course it was on a busy street. fuck y life. so this very handsome looking 20 year old steps out of the mini van and asks if I am okay, and at this point, I just wanted to die. 2 weeks earlier Alex rear-ended someone with this same truck and had the bumper fixed, so I am so screwed. I waited for ever in silence, well actually I was freaking out about how much my mother is going to kill me. the whole time this beautiful guy just stood there and smiled. I wanted to ask him what the fuck was so damn funny. and why the hell was he happy I wrecked the back of his fathers mini van? so It sucked, and my mom is going to kill me. and my body hurts really bad. and his name was douglas.

Andrew. Nate got a haircut. looks cute.

again it feels like summer, because I finally started working. sort of. Its been raining so Ive been out on the boat a few times but i still go in anyways. but woah, the beautiful people I get to work with. Its so much fun. I feel like a princess, but I need to learn names. Last summer it took me the whole time to learn them. I need to come up with less nik-names and find out what their actual names are.I wish that they weren't all so much older though. but they are all so sweet to me. saw a really bad movie today= nick and norahs infinite playlist. just awful. but last night I watched crash and it made me extremely uncomfortable. It was odd, I didn't like it at all. it was a great movie, but I just dont like it.

minor breakdown today, not really sure why though. It might have something to do with the fact that I can't sleep anymore. its weird. I used to always be the best sleeper, and now I lie awake all night. My whole summer is panned out day by day until I leave for college, and then it goes on until august 24th when I start classes. overwhelmed a little I guess, but really just want to get there, most excited about cheerleading though!

Minus the weeks of rain; it feels like summer or at least it did the other night. It started out by hanging out with trevor. yipee. Then andrew came and picked us up. I couldn't have been more happier. I was never a really brave person but I was going to salmon falls for the first time, and I was scared, so I wore something cute. bikini, short cut-off jean shorts and my favorite tee and sweatshirt. so andrew picks us up and we head to Gorham to pick up Kyle. I'm in the back seat and I can see myself in the rear view mirror perfectly, which means andrew can see me. and I can't stop smiling. we go inside and I meet kyles parents which were really nice. his moms a little intense but I like them. so we go to salmon falls and andrew doesnt really jump at first but I wanted to so i convinced him to. Kyle and trevor jump off the bridge and I sat next to andrew on the ledge and we watched. Nobody had towels so we went back to kyles to dry off and I talked to kyles mom some more. shes nice, but when i mentioned nate, clear;y she doesnt like him. and it made me think about him and this thing I have for nate. we then went to smiling hill farms to see kyles sister and andrew was really sweet and held the door for me. it was really cute. we then went to the mall to get something to eat and he sat next to me. hes just so cool. nothing like nate. I just want to be around him, not like my feelings for nate at all. so then we screwed around the mall cops in the parking lot for like, forty minutes and I sat in front with andrew. he was just so cool. It was such an amazing night. The one night I actually had to leave at a certain time to pick up my dad. I could have hung with him forever. hes just the kind of fun and good natured person you could be around all the time. He was nothing like how trevor and luke described him to be. I like that he doesnt smoke all the time an doesnt let anyone presure him into it. Kyles really cute to. I have put all of trevors friends in order and here it goes: #! andrew then nate, kyle, lukas, and then trevor. I just want to see andrew again. soon.