I HATE CANCER...God damnit.. Aggh...I hate how at first i didnt feel anything really, and now i look at myself and see why the fuck didn't i feel anything. I just read an entry of my sisters about cancer too and hers is something related to mine. Well my Auntie Jeannie (she's not really my auntie, shes my moms godmother and my grandma best friend) was given 6 months to live in May. I heard my mom talking on the phone with her the other day and Jeannie is doing horrible. She can't breathe properly, she has no energy...and i hate it when other people get upset and when I saw my mom get upset after hanging up with her...I started thinking of it and then now my sister's upset and i hate that too and now i just can't handle thinking of it without having a lump in my throat from holding back the tears. She has cancer of the bladder, cancer of the colon, cancer of the lungs and cancer of the stomach. Also...its spreading. I hate how when you find something bad out that you start feeling so many regrets. I wish i talked to her more often. I always heard that she wanted to hear from us,and she always asked about us to my grandma. And i just feel like I didn't do one fucking thing. sure I talked to her when we go out a visit, when was the last time we did that..4 years ago? Even though i don't think I culd handle talking to Jeannie on the phone, after seeing my moms face from hanging up..i dont have the strength. So I guess my sister was telling my how my mom and dad were thinking of taking us all back to ontario for about 1 week to say goodbye to Jeannie. How the hell am I supposed to do that? Say goodbye to her and know that this didn't even have to happen. Know that I'll never be seeing her again because of some STUPID cancer problem. Why her? Why ANYBODY? So now we dont think we can get the tickets because we dont have enough money (were very short on money right now) and so my parents said were probably just going to go for the funeral. Like thats any better. Then there is Steven with his damn Leukemia. I went to see him yesterday with Chad and that was hard. I mean it's so amazing how he still has spirit. He looks totally different. His hair is gone, his cheaks are puffy and he goes up one flight of stairs and has to take a 10 minute rest. I HATE IT. I hated watching chad's face and I hated listening to the stories he told. But i knew i wanted to hear it because I want to learn more and i want him to get better so fast. he's doing better then Jeannie. and i hope he stays that way. aagh i cant even imagine.. i hate how it effects everybody why couldn't it just go away..just LEAVE. i can't even write anymore..