It's the end of an era. This chapter in my life is COMPLETE I'm moving. I'm finished. Bye Bye. ___________________________ EDIT:: The move is official. Want a link?

I wish I had something to say. Worth anything. This is becoming a burden. Perhaps I'll leave for awhile and see if it does me any good. Yes, there's a plan. However, I'm not one to follow guidelines. I suspect I'll be back within the hour. Watch me now. Music. Yes. Tons of it. That's what I've been up to. Also reading a bit of Great Expectations; but mostly music. For music is of equal value to love in any form. Riiiight? NO. When lyrics can perfectly embody your feelings, you know it's over. And believe me, it is. I wish I knew what the hell I was talking about. As of late: Pretty Girls Make Graves The Mars Volta The Cure The Shins Iron and Wine Carbon Leaf Fear Before the March of Flames Cursive Bright Eyes Death Cab for Cutie Coheed and Cambria The Faint Wow, owls! Frou Frou Elliot Smith Tori Amos ...etc. That's all I can recall at the present. There are many more lovely bands I have forgotten to include, but my head refuses to divulge. I hate that. And how. While Kissing the lipless I'm excited. This weekend shall be splendid. I do declare. Every fiber of my being is writhing with anticipation at the thought of it. An entire weekend with Andrew. At the beach. Oh dear, I feel an orgasm coming on. But of course, not really. Maybe. RAWR My brain is threatening to disentangle itself from my spinal chord and beat me senseless with my own appendages. Perhaps. I can never tell what's going on up there. It needs to be Friday. Now. I need the sun. I need to be with Andrew. I need••••too much. I'm sorry. But I do...need you.

Back by popular demand... New me= Sitdiary.net/fixitkit Enjoy

There's an ache through my body that just won't go away So, I've been busy. Lots of whale dancing at 2 a.m. and being with Andrew. And hair cutting. Yes, I did it. It's good. Maybe. Andrew and I had our one month last sunday. It was exciting. I do believe I love him. Heh. I haven't written anything worth gracing this site with in ages. I have lost all motivation to do so. Oh well, it will return. Someday. I need to get away for a few days. Or at least go out tonight. I need out fast. I think I may be going insane. Spring break=beautiful letdown Nothing changes. But of course they don't tell you until it's over.

Your voice over highways and biways still prompts my heart into overdrive. I fear cardiac arrest is in my immediate future, but I'm not doing anything to stop it. Let it's palpatations cease. You're worth it. I owe you every day I wake. Today was uneventful. I sat alone and let my thoughts stumble upon your face. I can't seem to remove you from my thoughts. I miss you so much. Te amo I'm counting the hours. They can't pass fast enough. I need you so much closer.

I'm remembering stolen kisses in hallways and stiffled giggles creating a lightness in my chest. I'm flying soaring with the reverbarations of your voice and the pitch of your laughter. Such sounds should be copy-written and preserved on paper and mixtapes to live forever in my head. I remember. Black shoe polish and blacker nights. Bottle-strewn back roads and the seats in your car imprinting their designs on my exposed thighs. Wet lips beg for fingertips and your touch like a branding iron, engraves your name on my tender flesh. I remember. I think in fragments of sentances and malapropisms. "You've gotta love me" "Do I?" "Yeah....In case I die soon" "......alright" I like humans. I like staring out the windows of my mother's van as it moves swiftly through the crowded street; blurring the faces of people I will never know. One pasty woman is screaming into a cellular phone, waving her chubby arms maniacally at the person on the other end of the connection. A man in a blue volvo and a necktie sings along with his radio, windows down; his expensive suit wrinkling in the wind. A clean-cut young man in a silver mustang and a white collared shirt glances at his sports watch every few seconds; waiting for the light to turn green again. I wonder if he has a dentist appointment, a job interview, a date with a long-time girlfriend he plans on proposing to tonight. But I will never know, so I turn from the window and lay my head on the pane; enjoying the soft breeze and the sound of my mother singing. I like humans. Hiding my flaws under foundation and kerosene The smell of spring is in the air and we're talking again. I missed her. Green flats and bracelets make me happy. Running barefoot through the grass makes me happy. Orange cinnamon tea makes me happy. Butterfly kisses on your belly eliciting giggles make me happy. You make me happy. I miss you. You've been gone four hours and I'm already going into shock. Tomorrow will be torturous. I switch tenses and mix metaphors all too often. I need a someone to decode my mind and straighten out my thoughts. Soon. I Think I Love You

I'm tired. Exhausted, in fact. If only there was some way to make everything all right. Make everything work. Like it used to. I miss those days. And I miss you. Waiting is not what I do best. This week has been horrid. All these emotions and sickness to boot. It's far too much. I really enjoy being with you. I hate to sound childish, but this feels so right. It just....fits. Would I be out of line to admit that my heart flutters at the sight of you? That my eyes fixed on yours is a sensation I cannot explain, nor live without? That I ache for your presence when you're gone? That I think about you constantly? That when I'm locked in your embrace, the world fades? All I see, all I know, all that exists is wrapped in my arms. Have I gone too far? My apologies. Just thought you ought to know.

I've decided to start being me. I'm tired of pretending and hiding behind layers. Figurative and physical layers. Both are coming off. I'm going to just let myself go. Let my real self show through for the first time in years. I'm going to stop acting like I need to be something I'm not. I'm going to change. I'm going to improve and dismantle at the same time. Starting today. I'm tired of trying to be someone else for you.

I will NEVER be good enough for you, will I? I'm sick of this. I can't take it anymore. Once again, you assume and twist the truth in order to explain your baseless beliefs. You choose to interpret something so trivial into a huge misunderstanding. And once again, you're wrong. I wish I had a way to explain everything away, but you won't listen. So I'll let you hang on to that feeble truth and keep my mouth shut. I always do. And it's getting old. Why can't you just be happy for me? Is it something I did? Is it something I said? Why do you put me down and make me hurt for what I knew would bring me happiness? I'm sorry you feel as if I'm leaving you behind. But the truth is, it's the total opposite. You're leaving me and there's nothing I can do about it. You're supposed to be my best friend and yet we never seem very friendly. We're distant and cold. And I'm trying to mend it, I've tried for weeks. But maybe you don't want it to be fixed. If that's what you want, tell me now. I'm tired of this game. I'm too weak to fight it and I'm too stubborn to back down. But if you love me at all, you'll let me know instead of making little jabs at me on paper and saying nothing to my face. I'll miss you. But it's your choice. I've come to realize that nothing I say can make this right. So I quit. If you're giving up on me, why shouldn't I do the same? You're warm and synthetic.

I can honestly say, that I've never ever ever felt this way your lips, your eyelashes, your skin these are the parts of your body that cause my comatose to begin How can this be happening to me? I feel like I can't breathe. My hands are shaking. My knees are weak. And I can still feel your lips. I can still feel your heat. I smell more like you than I do myself. I like where this is going. And I really like you.

The butterflies in my stomach bring me to my knees and I won't even try to stand if i can stay by your side. Watching the time on the VCR blink away empty minutes: zero 0 zero 0 zero oh oh oh oh Here we go. The smell of cleaning solution is overpowering and antiseptic. It snakes into my nostrils and erases your scent. Your natural perfume. The smell of summer rains and new romance. The smell of fresh beginnings. My favorite. Every second without you is painful detox. And my body still aches... Your fingers on hips and my lips beg for more. I can't handle this. I'm going down. //I'm sinking like a stone in the sea. I'm burning like a bridge for your body. And I can't wait the hours out. I won't. I'll lie on my bed and imagine you're next to me/your eyes deeper than oceans and your fingers laced in mine. I'll hold the feelings that drift through my heart. I'll grab onto something tried and true. But I'm still drowning here, without you. I love being with you. Sitting in your car/held in your arms. The wind howling over our heads but we don't even notice. I'm wrapped up in you. I'm expecting something beautiful. I'm realizing this is real. This is as tangible as my fingers in your hair. I'm shaking something fierce. From cold and nerves. From this feeling of unspeakable joy I'm bathed in whenever you're near. I'm wishing I could stay in your embrace forever. I miss you already.

You're the smell before rain//You're the blood in my veins. ________________________ Today was gorgeous. The weather was amazing. 70 degrees with a whisper of breeze. After school, Andrew and I went for ice-cream. I love being with him. Just basking in his presence is enough to send my unsuspecting body into shock. Holding his hand while the sun warms my face/His kisses igniting my heart. He is amazing. I spent my evening enjoying the sunset. It's been so long since I actually sat down and watched one. The breeze tickled my face and set my beating heart still. He's all I think about from sunrise to sunset. I count down every minute until I see him again. I really am smitten.

My hands are still shaking. My knees, still weak. And the taste on my lips brings a blush to my cheek. Truly amazing. I am in awe. There's a certain glow about me where my feelings rubbed raw. Here we go. I can barely breathe. But it's wonderful. Oh so grand. You're holding my heart in the palm of your hand. __________________________ Have you ever been so happy you cried? Being with him is splendid. Words can't describe it. And with you I’m truly in my element...

I love that he thinks I'm amazing for just being me. It's the first time in ages I've felt this wonderful. Haven't been sleeping much lately. I'm sure this will catch up to me soon but I'm not worried. Long hours I spend thinking are worth the loss of sleep. It's so much easier to think clearly late at night. Watched I Heart Huckabees about an hour ago. Splendid movie. Really very clever. Makes you wonder what you're really here for, even though that's not its intention. I need new hair. It's getting rather drab. I'm thinking of chopping it up. I like where this is headed.

Freezing again. I want to fall asleep next to you on my couch. I want to feel your warm breath on my neck. I want you to hold me so tight I forget where you start and I end. I want to run my fingers through your hair and kiss your forehead. I want your smooth hands to hold on to...keeping me alive. I want to listen to your heartbeat/ head-to-chest. I want to be warm. I know with you, I'd never be cold. Late nights are lonely. <3

I don't mind the weather I've got scarves and caps and sweaters I've got long johns under slacks for blustery days.... ____________________________________________ It's far too cold for March. Where is December when you need her? This morning I walked to school and let the air encapsulate my tiny body. I breathed in deep until my lungs were fit to burst. I could feel the ache deep in my chest cavity but it was a welcome feeling. The scream from my breast told me I was alive. Told me my heart was still beating. Lunch was exciting. I believe I had a fever but the fact that I had Andrew by my side made me forget the nausea and discomfort. We shared a chair; his body heat erasing my chills and leaving me with a warm glow. I like this feeling. Very much. The chills have returned but it's not from fever. This weather is getting to me. I need you to warm my frozen hands with the electric pulse your being radiates like the smile I so pleasurably induce and bask languidly in.

I was hoping I could tell you this With two feet on the ground But I don't think I can talk Because I'm not very stable right now _____________________________________________ This morning I woke to 3 inches of snow and ice outside my window. It's lovely but it's getting old. I never thought I could be sick of snow. This year we certainly have had much too much. It's still pretty none the less. The tree limbs look like snakes; twisting and writhing in the wind::tossing flurries in every direction. I miss the sea. Living by it 4 years and never once seeing it during snowfall is tragic. I'd imagine it's gorgeous. Torrents of white hurling themselves at great walls of water. Oh, how I miss it. Aim. Snap. Fall. Electric violin=love. I think I'm obsessed. Whenever I hear it, a stirring starts deep in my chest. It's a wonderful, warm feeling. Transforms me in a way. I don't feel like me anymore. I like having a warm glow about me all the time. I like how whenever you're near me, I shiver in anticipation of what you will say. Oh dear. It's happening to me all over again.

found

Just kiss me....it's raining. Now's your chance. Take me////I'm yours. _____________________________________________________ I've been listeng to the same songs all day. The repeat button is such a useful little bugger. I need inspiration. Everything I've written lately is dead. This diary is dead. A facelift is in order. I do believe. Maybe a new one all together. I'm sick of everything. My sheets are still wet where I cried myself to sleep. As I've said before...I'm pathetic. But not for the same reasons. Everything has gone askew. Why must I fall so easily? It's so hard to get back up when there's no one to catch me. I should just lie here forever and wait for you to find me. Sounds like a plan. I'm giving up on me. You should too. <3

Rip me apart and take a piece with you... It's all I can give when you're all that I need.