i deserve the best. so if this isnt real i will make you want to gouge out your eyeballs. you wont need them anyways, you cant even see.

and then im like yeaahhhh whateva

i guess i forgot that music picks me up. i couldnt get up. i think it must be the pot, i wont even get up to do something unless i smoke before, okay this is why i stopped smoking. nahhh its the holidays getting to me. oh god and what did i get myself into last night???? im your girlfriend??? i dont feel anything! says one part of me.. who was the girl who thought she was in love with you last night??? who the fuck is that and why is she getting me into this. its all so unfair. my head feels cloudy and i want it to be cloudier. i want to be away from you now. youre not the same guy i first met. and you obviously cant learn anything from me because im absent mindedly dealing with you. what do i know though, i freak out and get negative, well see. maybe i can just straight up be like dad, can i please just smoke one bowl? ill smoke you out. no no. im hating on christmas, i was a ball of energy untill holiday depression shot me down like it always does, last year i just partied right through it, this year im working and sleeping through it. christmas music in the shopping stores makes me sick, i like the french christmas music at my work though. something tells me in january im going to get all gnarles barkely like i do periodically.

ok so i guess i love you. what happened??:? you got all real on me. you're independant. and romantic. im doomed. i finally fell for.....i dont know well see if this feeling even lasts through tonight, i never even know these days. i was so shaken up this morning. i didnt even have to say it i just woke up and knew. sobriety, rain, and you. i was like theres know way im feeling this, i thought my soul was black. god im changing. god im still the same. my brains repeating, if you've got an impulse let it out, but nothing comes out.

blaasssee it! i hope i get good presents. i want to be longboarding across town listening to ian pulley. delicious combo...

L.A. boys are teaching me how to drive

is sex actually emotional for some guys? i was twisting the alphabet off a soda can and i had to bite the opener off when i got to your letter basically im a smiling idiot sometimes rrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggg i like eating good and i like the bell toll of the seatbelt warning in my car. bugs are everywhere. bugs are creepy, bugs are mean, bugs are mostly annoying. some days you see them, some days you dont. knowing that im still 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 inside explains a lot and is comforting.

catch me in the morning catch me at night. just dont catch me at 5. i think i need a new job.

worst case scenario = i get rejected. ok. im going to be a brave girl and call yet again this week with the risk of freaking him out. i waved to someone i hate because they looked like someone else. i sent the person i thought it was a special message and i confused them. today the person i hate confused me when they were overly confident with me at a stop sign trying to get my attention like we're cool. they were mouthing something i couldnt figure it out. i just waved, shook my head, and mouthed fuck you with a smile then watched him writhe in front of his friends, give my why gestures, and then finally slump in his seat and flip off some imaginary person. it took untill the light turned green for me to realize he was trying to say saw you driving. and yes he does look a lot like person number 2. ok i have righteous anger but did i have to act on it? whenever you reject the opposite sex they reject you. soooo did i balance or bounce?

jared ledo (sp?) chased after me and i ran away from him. true fucking story.

my hair is growing longer my head is growing fonder i trip i trip and i like it this summertime = nature adventures

its my band name, not really its just that ive literally typed that all day. i need one of those swedish massages where they beat the hell out of you???? i should think before i speak at work. the weather was amazing and i got some good thrifting in. chrii...who? and then i'm like, im stupid.

i dont make the worst choices, but i dont make good ones either. keep working? smoke the ganj? i still have a certain person problem and no one cares, its apparent he doesnt even care by the way our phone conversation went last night. maybe when i give him up i wont be so self destructive...why wont i give him up? i really hit a dead end this time i honestly dont know what to do with myself tonight. and why do i only ruin holidays lately? i cant stand what you're thinking.

lately i sleep like death and it feels really good. im restless restless and out of nowhere im passed out and sleep talking and nothing can wake me. a foreigner broke down a wall in my room this morning and i slept through it. it turns out im not in debt and i got promoted + full time hours + a second job offer, although i think i'll choose a life over the second job. to me this means maybe i'll be moving out soon. i need a new stage. i also need to make some music.

i can be stupid and i can be an unintentional bitch. i dont know where my mind goes sometimes. my boss is awesome, i was having a conversation with a coworker and she walked by and put her two cents in, "dont even trip, wouldnt it be boring if adam and eve never tried the forbidden fruit?" i dont even know what she thought i was talking about, but she was right on the money about what i was thinking. i burnt my mouth on hot specail oil and got my braces tightened, i cant wait for this oral discomfort to go away.

im still upset from watching king kong. i cried like a baby. my most ridiculous, but very real dream is just to have adrian brody. can i just get that out of life? someone is two months pregnant and i smashed into the back of a very sweet/strapping young man's car, but its all ok and its all a secret. thats a dream i havent realized is actual because i got back in the cloud of smoke and its obviously not the time.

i have better friends than anyone else. although, im glad theres no one around to scare today. when someone makes me feel better am i vaccuming happiness out of them? i hope its not that way. my breathing is so quiet i cant even hear it anymore because im letting my brain make sounds of necessary pain. i want to think of nothing for a while.

$4,332.94 im scared of money again.

ok so im putting together a chain of events and its become obvious, and i have to say it makes me uncomfortable. so no to that. no no no. and i dont know why just no, no need for me to get measly, why do i get measly? i would make an awful boy. i would be so queer. and he talks to me and i just want him to shut up and i dont want to talk to him because ill be mean for no reason and thats just the wrong impression of me. even if i am matured beyond my years it doesnt change the fact i have the boy girl relationship maturity of 3rd grade right now. i could work it out but not now. and office people are so god damn weird. so pure and right and faithfull and good, they have to either have been so wild in the past they've come to this place or they just are schizo animals on the weekend. i just keep my mouth shut.