Feed me with words or pictures or symbols of what you do. Feed me with something current. Feed me with you. I want to see you're doing okay and be angry at you for it. I want to see you're melting down and love you for it. I just want to see you. I'm a wreck, I'm a mess because I have work to do but I am tird. It's almost 2. I have work to do but I just want to lay my head down and forget about you. I'm always so lonely.

So nerdy ole Caitlin just started her own blog. I've been posting links to it all over the internet (aka Myspace and Facebook) because it's kind of directed at people reading it and, well, right now no one reads it. So here's the link. You should read it and pretend it's awesome. I swear it'll get better. It's called Kids on Holiday

seeing how much everybody else's lives suck. Or at least just seeing them feel like their lives suck because they suck at dealing with life. Aha! I like to believe I've become a wise soul with a good work ethic who knows what she wants to do with her life and hasn't felt sorry for herself in a very long time. Okay, except for today when i kind of panicked when my dad was late to pick me up. But hey, it's a full moon, I started that woman thing, and I've def. got some emotional issues with the whole late-ride thing. But, HEY. I'm going to start driving again in like a week.

I have tons of money in my savings account. And it's staying there for a very long time. I'm not spending it on stupid expensive clothing or CDS or drugs or anything else. It's staying there until I'm a poor college student. How's that for self-control?

I've a fear of having a dull life. A fear of the years passing without anything happening. A fear of doing nothing with all that I have. I feel like I have a responsibility to do something great, because I know I'm smart, I know I'm humane, and I know that I've been born into privelage. I saw An Inconvenient Truth today (go see it) and in the end they're telling me how I just need to, you know, stop driving so much and get a better car, etc, etc. And I thinking, Jesus Christ tell me something more I can do! I would do huge things to change things if I only knew how! I think that's true of more people than I think. If we could only make it easier to help, people would do it. And I don't mean so they have to exert less energy, but there should be programs out there which make it easier for people to find a way to do something good! And one of the previews we saw was for a new John Lennon documentary which looks kind of awesome. And him talking about the war, speaking out, etc, etc. And I thought about all those kids I see who are so OBSESSED with the 60s, the 70s, with all that angsty youth being so powerful and artistic and wonderful. And it was! But how depressing is it too think of a time when everyone was so hopeful, when the times they were a changin and going somewhere good. And now look where we are. Isn't that disappointing?!? And why should we do nothing about it?? Why let it all go backwards, why can't we move a whole country into action? There are plenty of reasons to care, plenty of causes to upset you, why are we stuck in complacency? (is that even the right word?) I wish I would get more angry. And then run away to another country/city like I dream of all the time. And do something outrageous. I want to do something outrageous. No, I just want to live! Like, to really, really live. To be impacted and to make an impact. To make it all worthwhile. Stupid passage of time.

I got that restless feeling again. I can't believe I settled for school in a druggified beach town in California! I hate the decisions I make.. I want to move to the east coast.

It's true. Whatever you truly want you can get and you should get. And did. And will. Etc, etc, etc. In case you (aka I) forgot, over summer plans= 1. learn to play banjo from dad 2. play banjo and harmoneeca 3. paint big flowers on your wall 4. do the painting (faire l'art) 5. find some way to not forgot your french. 6. try to convine yourself to write essays on society so that you won't loose your touch. 7. read more classics/amazings 8. become a sewing wizard (9. learn to dance wildly?)

I imagined that when I go to college everything will change: I'll get a research job, be super studious, learn a lot, and work harder than ever before. But after talking to kids who have first-handedly experienced the school, I became dissappointed. What if it's none of that? What if I move away only to go to another highschool, only to continue with the same things, only to continue to be lazy? I wanted to start a new part of my life, to become someone a little different, to finally work hard. But what if nothing changes besides scenery? It's possible. It's more than possible. Because lately my values have changed. I used to be so enamored with my brain. I figured the thing that made me me, the thing that I love the most about myself, is my mind, my off-centered way of thinking. But recently I've come to think: If I don't ever do anything with my hands, if I don't ever create something, execute my ideas, translate my mind into some piece of work, that maybe I am nothing. Maybe I'm not my potential, but what I do with it. And so I want to work. I so desperately do. I want to have something to show for what I love. I want to prove to myself, and even to everyone else, that it's there. I swear there's something there, and I will die if it goes to waste. "You have to be the change you want to see in the world"

There is a group of girls in my French class who I abslolutely hate. Partly because they're rude stoners who don't care about their school work. But mainly because they remind me of myself when I was their age. I'd take it back and rewrite it with Patagonia sweaters and sack lunches if I could.

This picture made my confidence rise, made me feel hot, made me feel awesome, comfortable, etc. And then I realized that I have gotten increasingly larger. And larger. And larger. Since then. I want to reverse it all and be that hottie bo bottie that was still so uncomfortable with her body that was so babamm baby take that! Strictly speaking we can strictly diet but strictly speaking I'm more comfortable than I've been with my body since? Last year. Lets reverse it. Just a little. Strictly speaking again I strictly need to eat smaller portions and restrict my intake and eat when hungry ONLY and continue this running thing which already makes me hotter and maybe? Maybe baby maybelline Ill stock up on some of that wonder drug oh I wonder! Where my health went after I traded it for something so superficial! But I just might. And why? Because it feels so good so good so good to look so feel so nice in that right size. Plus the big PROM is coming up (dateless, mind you, and praying for this one boy who I am realizing is totally PERFECT (at least shes perfect for him) for Becca). Hmm so I wanna look hot I wanna be hot but WHAT if I don't get a date, don't manage to snag him, lose my confidence, fall on the floor and crawll sadly away into NO PROM land. But birthday parties are coming up. I'll invite him to Jammy's I'll invite him to mine I will WOW him (and not throw up) and then MAYBE he'll be my date in tacky gold shoes.

My mom got forceful got weird got upset. She thinks I won't pass my classes and go to school next year. As if I'm not 12x more worried about this as she is. As if I'm not totally on top of it and even applying to scholarships and working and etc. When people get worried about other people, they usually don't realize that that person is probably worrying about that same thing more than they know. If they're weak, they need to share the worry. I'm on top of it. I have so much more time of next month! More time to throw up and woop dee woop have fun. PS I'm really embarrassing.

I bought a nano ipod. It's really cute and I ran with it and I like it. I've been downloading tons of "podcasts" which are basically free radio shows and some free songs. Supasweet? (!) The downside? I have a complex about iPods and what they mean to society. The fact that you can use them to be somewhere else no matter where you are. The fact that people don't like to be here now. And the fact that I can now plug myself in with some headphones and be somewhere completely different. Okay, so it's really nice, but I still feel a little guilty. Oh well! I'm always society's bitch in one way or another. Yesterday at work I had the worst self confidence. I was convinced (for various good reasons) that a lot of people hated me. This lead to my back aching from carrying heavy things with bad posture. Now I'm off of my "everybody hates me" thing and I've jumped onto a boat called "they may hate me, but I don't care" which means that I'm going to get my dad to teach me some banjo and I really want some bee boxes. That's all.

My new school is really really cool and it doesn't seem far fetched that I'll be living there next year. In fact, it feels completely normal. I think I've come to terms with a lot of myself. It feels really nice. So I took a nice trip and now I'm back. I got to listen to my fave music with my mom and she praised Animal Collective for their genius. I like it when she likes my music. I got tons of tummy aches because I eat like a piggy wiggy. I also got some cool new socks. I want to sleep in like a sleep in maniac. Let's hang out.

my head hurts from trying on scholarships. I want to quit job number one. my art teacher's mom died. And I only have a week for spring break to bring 2 of my class grades up from f's. there's a really really lame boy who likes me/i talk to. he frightens me. i hate trying to compete with perfect students for things which i need just as much, if not more. the grey hurts, i feel dissillusioned, my eyes want to cry.

Yeah time change made me miss first period. lame. I'm talking to this boy from that class on AIM about horror movies. He tells me I'm "coolaronie" and I get the feeling that he's gonna fall for me (that's what nerdy horror movie boys do when hotties like me show so much interest) and I'm not gonna fall for him because he's so nerdy. I'm terrible. I'm just going to try to remain really nice to him. Oh no it's raining. That might ruin my sweaterboots but I don't wanna take them off! I hate Tessah. And I hate this really annoying 15 year old that forced herself on us on Friday night and drank MY wine mixed with PEPSI with a CHASER! She then proceeded to say she was really drunk, follow us to Carrows, and be extremely extremely annoying. I think I was on the verge of murder. No, Brittany, it's not me but I totally own that slip in pink. Coincidence? I think not. (because it obviously means something more..) And Rashonda, good luck with Sally today!

I'm going to go to UC Santa Cruz. I got accepted, it looks beautiful, it's an hour and a half away from my sister, and for a million reasons more convenient than Scotland (including $8000 cheaper). Yesterday I felt crazy. I knew UCSC was a more reasonable decision, but I've known that I would go to Scotland for over a year, and changing that idea in your mind is incredibly difficult. So I went to bed, slept terribly, and woke up the next morning knowing what I was going to do. I'll go to Santa Cruz and do a year abroad once I'm older, matured, and adjusted. Today my eye only twitched once today, whereas yesterday and the days before it must have done it a hundred times a day. It's an obvious sign that I've made the right decision and I've finally calmed down. Except I still really want to go to France. I'm trying to convince my parents to help me pay for a trip over there this summer since I'm going to save them so much money by not going to Scotland. We'll see. My savings account is puny but at least I'm doing it.

I need saturdays. I don't get one until spring break, and then not again after that. I came home "sick" today because I obviously can't handle a 7 day work week. And I want to take tap dancing classes and apply for scholarships and do all these over-achiever things but good lord where would I find the time? Or the energy? Or the emotional strength? I'm so emotionally sensitive that I'm afraid I'll snap. Oh lord, give me tha power! I work so much that I eat as a means of quick relaxation. And now I kind of hate myself + the 5 pounds of meat and bread I ate today. And sometimes I go shopping and spend all of my savings instead of eating. So now I consume like crazy even though I hate consumerist culture. I just want to go to college and have a Saturday to sleep in. PS I wore that slip on new years

After every good streak there is a burst of bad. Just to even things out you know. I was saving money and applying for scholarships and all this crap and then BOOM. I got mad because I had to work today and nobody told me and so afterwork I spent 3 hours at the mall buying everything that I couldn't afford and didn't need. I didn't by tennis shoes like I said I would and I didn't buy a new purse like I actually want. I bought shirt. And more shirts. And then I stole a few more. I had to transfer practically my whole savings over to my checking to make up the difference. I'm bad. And I'm behind on 3 projects now rather than 2. And I desperately need to lose my (overly) cosy tummy. And I have a boat load of Mrs. Gustafson homework. Gah. Oh, and work tomorrow. I hate you I hate you. But my French teacher is still really sexy. And my new favorite sayings are "oui, ca va" and "tres sexi". Oh, and I bargained at Toxic. I got them to give me 15% off. And Charlotte Rousse is stupid because they hired a boy to handle the dressing rooms. I saw him walk in on almost every girl in the place, then tell me it was okay to say I had 6 items when I had 7 (aka the only thing a serial shoplifter needs to hear)

I got accepted into UC Davis! I'm very pleased with myself, although I'm almost entirely sure I won't go there. Now I just have to hold tight for the rest of the month to hear from Santa Cruz, Irvine, and (dun dun dun) Berkeley, as well as begin my application for Scotland. I worked today and I'm working tomorrow and I made $50 in tips today. I need to crash. I need a foot massage more than anything, actually, and maybe a little company. No one's home and I don't know why. I've started working on my savings account. I'm trying to put half of what I make everytime I get paid into my savings. Except I got two parking tickets. No major. My dad just started walking up the stairs with wine in his hands and singing. My mom and I went to a poetry reading Thursday night and then watched Team America together. She walks in my bedroom every morning when she wakes up and I'm doing my makeup so that she can talk to me. I'm going to miss home. I don't party anymore. I can't party anymore. I feel like I'm working so so so so much. Right now, I'm off work, but I have about 6 hours of homework that's due monday, which isn't including the hours of work I need to do so that I don't have 2 Fs. I'm also watching my weight. I got really big without really realizing it. I'm trying to shrink. And I need to excersize. Oh my god I'm so tired. And all of this might lead to depression. How's it even possible?

Because I'm a homebody, I've been painting, I have a three day weekend and plenty of homework to fill it up with, I arranged a budget for myself, it's yummy grey rainy outside, horror movies are on the rise again, Avery Tare of my favorito bando likes horror movies just like I do in the same way in the same style, I might choose homework/staying home/being healthy and/or seeing a movie over partying tonight, and therefore have changed (partially) my lifestyle from going-out girl to homebody. I really want a Cosm-girl so I can learn to get the attention of my new obsession: a died-black-hair and pale skin boy who I think transfered from Foothill with his curly-red-haired friend and looks at me sometimes and I look at him and I find him undenyable sexy and I'm getting off on the I'm the good girl, you're the bad boy who I can't resist thing. It's like Greese 2006 at VHS. Painting is frustrating and exhilerating and exciting and scary all at the same time. I think it's the best thing I've done for myself in ages. And for your entertainment, here is an excerpt from this piece of paper of my dad's that is sitting next to me. It's in thick, probably drunk, Scottish accent. Whake up! Werrafukarye ye bastirts. Ah'm here, oh aye ah'm here awright, jis me, tryain tae make sens of thiu yooniverse an ye ye bastirts ur in yer kip... An yer naw.. yer' fuggin SLEEPIN. Caw yersel freenso mineses, Ye FUSKJKIN URNAE! Freens. Uye dinny ken the meanin o ra wurd. IF. an Ah'm seyin IF ye wur freens ye'd fuggin be ther. reddy wi a soothin wurd. THere there sgrips, yer awrite pal. yer aw riht. Here. we nitecap furye Ah'll get ye tae yer bed an sooth yer heid ye furry wee bastirt. yer a bit foo the noo ken... sfughhgin basitirs, AHM AH RA AINLY Wan LEFT OAN THIS PLANIT ur WHIT???? And believe it or not, almost all of those are not typos. And now it's hailing. It's amazing and a little bit beautiful. It looks like the inside of those pretend vacuum cleaners, with little tiny styrafoam balls popping allover the place. I really like it. And it's making me think that I will really like Scotland's weather more than I thought I would. Mmm mmm mmm. Good. Who wants hamburgers?