I realize its been a year since ive used my sit diary... and actually i am glad that the site is still up and running. Now i realize that I need this thing more than ever. I've noticed that when I do things to alter my life I don't think before I do. Im quick with my actions. and now I am in the worst situation than i've ever been in before. my daughter who is now 16 months old was a tootsie roll last year for halloween and this year she was a monkey. i'll post some pictures if i remember how... could i get some help please?? thanks

I think that Im coming down with a cold. >>>>>>>>>..... But. I aM reaLLy trYInG not To LEt that geT In THe waY OF beINg TherE for TRiniTY. . . . .... . . .. . . . . . ... For her first Halloween I dressed her as a Tootie Roll. I will post pictures as soon as I can get them downloaded and put on the site. well she is getting fussy... i'll have to do my updating later on.

Alright if none of you remember me from a long time ago then thats fine... because its not like i have been here very often for the past year... or almost a year. to recap... i was in a long distance relationship for over 2 years... and that ended a while ago because i thought that i wanted a relationship where i could see the person everyday and see and spend time with.... it took awhile to make the transaction. i was so confused about what i was doing.... and i should have listened to my heart. but i honestly admit that what i did was a mistake. but what i got out if it is nothing more than a beautiful miracle... and her name is Trinity Amerose. She is now 2 and 1/2 months. mixed filipino and white. I will post pictures later. born on June 29th. So in a way i cant say i completely regret what i did. i am currently talking to my ex boyfriend... conrad. i told him what had happened. because the whole time that we were not "together" - in a relationship... i was so depressed and upset and still so completely in love with him... i let go the one true thing... my one true love. yes, i love trinity's father... but im not in love with him... "j" i told conrad i still loved him... which i probably shouldnt have done... but right now i am unhappy. "J" and I always fight... I am not happy and i, yet again, am worried about his feelings rather than act upon my own. conrad wants me to see him... witht he baby, who he calls his own... and would accept her as his daughter if we got back together... i am in another situation where i know what i want to do... but im scared and confused... i feel like the only parent anyway... i barely get any help. i know... do what makes me happy. right? sounds easy.... so barely any of the people i considered friends know... only a few... because you know with certain situations who you would believe to be a true friend and who is there just to critisize you and judge you... i know my spelling is off tonight... oh well. i could go into more depth but its getting late... until next time... later

holy shit... i cant believe my diary is still here and still has my entries in it... i thought for sure it was gone.... im glad it is here because there has been so much going on... and i really need to let it all out... but first im going to check out a few things on this site.... i have missed this...

its been so long... i havent been home or around a computer in so long. ive been staying at joses a lot... but i still love conrad. what else is new? i guess i'll update more next time... but i have to go to work.

so my mom is better. things are getting better. i mean, she really scared me when a few things that happened. she was so spacy, and out of it. i literally thought she was not all there... kind of losing part of her mind. she almost got into several accidents, and then blaming the other drivers. then she almost drowned in her bathtub. i ended up calling marco because she wanted to give her life to god. she they talked. i talked to conrad the other day and he said that he and a few guys are planning on moving here in may. possibly. so if that is whats going to happen then he wont visit me in april. so i have to wait. if that doesnt even work out then i wont see him at all. question: if something/someone is so completely important to you would you give it up because someone else doesnt like it? Advice: so say, conrad does live here... i turn 18 in may. this is my life and i would like to live it myself... i cant please other people the rest of my life... (AHEM)my mom. so if he was living here would i tell her? or should i wait? i eventually want to live with him so what do i do? im scared to tell her... but she needs to know eventually. what do i do? i want him to live here... definitely. but a small part of me doesnt only because of my mom. now, if she wasnt a problem then i wouldnt have that little part of me not wanting that. so much has gone on but im not going to write it all out. too much. too too much. lata OH! if you have phonecards you dont want... email me. at xtrouble2x@yahoo.com only if you dont want/use them. thanks

just made a new fucking entry and lost it. damn it. this will be resumed for later. biotch.

stereo types. (cant spell) i hate them. but sometimes i find myself falling into thinking them. even if it is to wonder how people could do that to others. i see where i was raised. it may not be where the rich people were but i do feel that it is a more real environment. i see that i am now stereo typing but i do feel that people downtown are more real. i was at the hospital today and yesterday. and the people around there seem so fake. putting on their happy smiles so they make others believe how wonderful they live. where i grew up and was raised was a huge melting pot. i could say even being the majority, i felt like a minority and nothing about that bothered me. i loved being with so many different types of people, real people. but where i live by now, i could never want to live later. when i move out, im going back to my roots, even if it is trashy, it has a lot of history to it. hell, i wouldnt mind living is san felipe. the fact of that is because those people are real, they dont need money to make them happy. i felt so comfortable and at home there. driving down certain streets here in town i pick out the ones that i enjoy seeing the most. its not all in one area but they are all places i could find myself being comfortable as well as everyone else. nobody is the minority because everyone is different... and thats okay. my family members, some, are racist... the one thing i cannot stand at all. if i was, would my boyfriend be hispanic? or most of my friends? not just hispanic but black and asia and everything else. nobody sits in their own group, they all sit together. as i mentioned before- my mom is in the hospital. it has me shaken. i wont show her or anyone else that i am scared. she has been there 2 days. im worried. but okay. i was as these days go by.... as life slowly goes by and fades... drifting off into something else.

i stayed home friday sick. starting to feel much better though. so i talked to conrad through out the day. we made up this bet that we would be doing when he is here for his visit. it would be several rounds of cards and each person that loses would have to do something and then whoever wins the most out of those games gets to make the "ultimate" thing for the other person to do. so we will see how that will work out. then other topics came up... that night my mom calls me. "amber this is good but also bad since you have been sick. but your cousin mike has two tickets to see linkin park and isnt going. he needs someone to take these." so i, of course, wanted nothing more than to go. but now i needed to find someone to go with me. i got marissa to do it... i didnt care if she liked the bands or not. haha. it started at seven but got there at 8:30. we missed story of the year and hoobastank. but i saw P.O.D. and Linkin park. there was break dancing and stuff. the couple next to us was practically having sex. but i wasnt paying attention i was yelling and singing and dancing... making my throat hurt more. i look over and i see 3-4 people that i knew from my school. the music was great the moshing looked awesome. it was great. after the concert we walk outside and i see this other guy from my school and in front of him was this kid who looked so familiar.. so i walk to the side of him and then i was like, "jake!" and sure enough it was him. he gave me a huge hug and we just hung out. marissa and i followed him to the car with two others. and it was cool. that kid is cool. when i was saying goodbye to him these other guys we didnt even know where like "bye i will miss you" so i said it back. it was funny. and then we ended up talking to them... tyson and david, cousins. cute... 22. haha. but it wasnt anything like oh can i have your number. we were just talking about the concert and how they snuck to the floor and were moshing. then talking about other stuff. we had to get going. it was raining and waiting for my mom. so we said goodbye and then finally got home. i was so tired and i felt like shit. it was awesome. hahahaha. =--=--=--=--=--=--=--=--= as for today i got up really early... 4 am. i called conrad talked for about 45 minutes and went back to sleep. i woke up but said that i wanted to sleep for a little longer and my mom ended up waking up and saying she didnt have time to take me to school so i stayed home. i called conrad again and we talked for over an hour. so basically all day we called each other. we talked maybe 1/3 or 2/3 of the day. we had so much going on... i dont know. i love talking to him. im so comfortable. and that should only make sense. ahh, i love him. i got, he got, 3 out of the day. 3 times the fun. we prepped ourselves for april and the weekend. what we would do, where we would go. ahh, love. haha.

i didnt go to school thursday or friday. so i basically only went one day last week. i have called conrad 3 am or around that time each morning to say good morning. he didnt go to work thursday or friday as well. so i stayed home thursday and called him. got a double dose of love. heh. since i havent done much else i mostly just talked to him. it was awesome and i am glad that we have had so much time to talk to each other. even though it could get pretty expensive. im going to skip friday for now. saturday after my LONG wonderful night HAHAH AHEM (next entry) marissa and i got up and got ready for church. i quickly called conrad to tell him id be gone all day but would try to call him later. no problem. i didnt want to go anywhere saturday. i felt sick all over again... it sucked. so after church and potluck marissa and i walked to circle k and these 3 black guys pull over. i was going to keep walking but they asked for directions to "pick me ave." hahaha. then he put his hand out to shake mine. i didnt want to be completely mean. so he is sweet talking me. and one to marissa. they were nice but probably full of shit. saying how beautiful we are and they dont do this everyday. so he gave me his number... yeah. like im going to call, i have a boyfriend. but he is like what you arent into black guys? i said im into any kind of guys that im not at all racist. but these guys... the way they acted made me feel so low... like a piece of meat and thats it. it doesnt feel good. getting to the corner store i got my phone card and we headed to borders. i called conrad and talked a bit to him. then this other guy comes up to use the pay phone. he starts talking to me. he was high or drunk. but he is saying all this shit about my hair and how i dress and how he wants to take me out to get a drink. umm no thanks. when he finally left i called conrad and just said, you have to get out here conrad. by that point i was pissed... these guys are UGH i dont know... but i said "conrad i am mad... this and this happened and i really want you come out here... i need you here." but not for just that reason. marissa and i left with fidi to go see this play for my school. then went to TGI fridays to eat. fidi asks me about chris and said he asked chris what was up with the two of us. apparently he was all shy and smiling when he said "its just guitar." whatever, people can think what they want. im not too worried about it. sunday i saw my uncle for the first time in 2 months. didnt say much to him. then we went to 7/11 and this guy i always see was working. we have never talked but he does manage to keep an eye out. hahaha. mom went to work so i chilled with lauren and christian. i called conrad. we talked for almost an hour. ohh la la. it was cool. esta cool. haha. lauren was yelling out the window for anyone to hear her. im always saying for him to come out here. so he said that he was coming in april... definitely.

...sweat. i broke fever last night and was drenched. dude, i have been sick so i stayed here, at my grandmas house, for the night and didnt go to school today. my throat is killing me and i have a huge headache. yet i still managed to sleep light enough to wake myself up about 3 and call conrad to... talk to him. and tell him good morning. i spent my lovely day in bed, coughing. then when i woke up that morning i called him because he is sick too and stayed home as well. i think the more i tell him to come here the more he will be motivated to do it. so it will be about april when i get that wish to come true. he was thinking of my birthday, but i will be with family so that wont work. then i just got off the phone with him right now. we had two great conversations in one day. hahaha. well anyway. im going to call marissa and ask her to pick up some work that i have due tomorrow since im staying home again. and i need to get those stamps. **reminder** i went to the doctor and he gave me medicine. baah. ahh well. tyler said he hopes i feel better. how nice. and this lady and my mom want me to meet this guy who just moved here... uh, no thanks. but i have to. it'll be one more new friend. so thats cool. i suppose. so im going to bed. early. very early.

so he said he had a surprise for me... hmmm maybe he would send me chocolates or flowers. just to be sweet. instead it was an online postcard. i am greatful... but i guess i got my hopes up for nothing. saturday sucked. except he called me early that morning to tell me good morning and happy valentines day. otherwise i went to church and called him. i saw lindee. then i went to farm basket! that was awesome. I am with my mom and we pull up to the window. he looks over at me and smiles. then gives me 'the nod'. i laughed and smiled back. my mom and i are talking and everytime he came up to the window he would bend down to look into the car. after getting the food he came back and looked at me. "happy valentines day." he tells me. i say thanks and say the same to him. awww how sweet. dude, he is so hot. haha. then he waved bye and i could hear him yell as we pulled away. i dont know what he said. "he looked at you the whole time. i think he likes you." my mom says. "he recognizes me from every other time we come here. (didnt mention all the times i visited during the summer)" i tell her. i guess i got a thing for them hispanic guys. haha. oh baby! OH, chris got baptized. it was a complete shock to me. but all the youth gave him a standing ovation. and all congratulated him later. he called me later that day to ask when the banquet started... perhaps i talked him into going. i said the time and also mentioned that i was going to ask him to go with me. so i got all dressed up and went to marissa's house. she got ready and we went. it was the most BORING thing i have ever been to. i was going between the youth from my church and from the spanish church because i know most of that youth too. i ended up leaving with some of the spanish youth and went to the stratosphere and then instead of that we went to danny's house. i got home about 1. almost got into trouble. roxy got in trouble. i called conrad. sunday i didnt do anything. nothing at all. just chilled. but ended up going to marissa's that night. i went to bed before her. i was so tired. the next day we went to borders for her and some people to finish a project. i went and bought phone cards and stamps. then she and i went to robertos taco shop. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. that is the best food ever!!!!!!!!!!!!! so we decided out of nowhere to get me some job applications. i got about 20 or so... maybe more or less. it was awesome. i was everywhere. met this guy named anthony. really nice. but i went to so many places. it was great. talked to one manager and then was told a few times to call back in the next few days. i got glass in my shoe and bled. ouch. then i called conrad and he didnt like the fact that i wanted to work. oh well. i need the money. marissa, me and her mom went to see 50 first dates. i thought it would suck but it was really cute. and today i feel really sick and weak. hows that for a happy ending??? - - - - - - - - - - - i called conrad about 3 this morning to say have a good day. aww. hahaha. what a dork i am. this is quick because i have to go. otherwise i would be more detailed. like anyone would want that. hahaha. pshh. later.

i dont even remember when my weekend began. valentines day... ahh thats right. i fuckin' hate that holiday. i even have a boyfriend and still dont like it. its no fun when he lives so far away. im not even going to start going into this weekend. i'll do it tomorrow. i have homework to do that i put off and i think im getting sick. so maybe everyone else had a grand weekend, and a wonderful day to show love and appreciation for their 'valentine'. i sure didnt. eh, maybe next year.

ahh, amor. the day before valentines... the last day everyone will see each other before this lovely day. BAAHH! damn holiday. everyone carried their balloons and candy and stuffed bears. holding hands and kissing. so i hear roxy's name over the loud speaker calling her to the front desk. she finds me and has me go with her. "guess who was just here??" she says to me. my guess.... Luis. Her boyfriend. we get there and there are several balloons and a big bear with a box of chocolate. 5 days they have been together and she gets that. me, 2 years with the love of my life, i walk around empty handed. not to say that i expect anything but ya know... i was hungry. i wanted some damn chocolate!! hahahahahahahahaha. naw, i was actually a little jealous. what a sweet guy he is to do that for roxy though. ernie gave me olga and roxy some chocolate. i hadnt talked to him in 3 days. and tomorrow is valentines. what if he forgot me? haha. dude, i wasnt sure. i just wanted to be with him. and hold his hand... and be sappy and romantic. but no. not this year. i left my phone card at home like a fucking idiot. so i called brittany and we called him.. he wasnt home and not at work. she is like is he with a girl?? hahaha. half hour later we tried again.. he was still not there. so i decided to go and eat and then come back to try again. thank god that i was talking to christine and she let me use a few minutes of her card just so that i can ask him if i could call him back with a different card. so after i did i called him back and he was playing poker.... i asked him why he wasnt home and he said "i cant tell you." well gee, that doesnt put much worry into me. "why?" "dont push me amber. i cant tell you." later he said that he has a surpise for me. so i dont know whats going to happen. im going to the valentines banquet with the youth tomorrow. that should be fun. until then im out. thanks christii. =) and brittany!

sneaking to get to you is such a rush. kept the door closed and went to the phone to call you. sleeping... so wake up some and say something sweet. getting those pictures for you that you wanted. i know what they are for. and who they are for. you tried to confuse me and keep it from me. come and open up. it was slow... speaking and getting to each point was slow... taking time and thinking things through completely. oh what i wish we could have done and could have become when we were together, so long ago. what is going to happen once we are together again... even for such a short time. every word expressed with so much feeling behind it. every deep breath reminds me of what we will have and live for. and you'll stay by my side when all is said and done. after every beating heart stops.

so i was cleaning the kitchen after dinner and i was telling my grandma how i was going to vote this year. then something came on the news about the elections and yadda yadda yadda.... and my grandpa says, "i hate that guy... (democratic) they always talk dirty about each other." he likes bush. so anyway... my first thought was, 'this is coming out of the mouth of a man who talks shit about everyone. what the hell is he saying???' hmm.... interesting.

at lunch yesterday i re met a guy from like 3rd grade. leo. it was cool. then angel came by and all three of us were at the same elementary school. hahhaa i ditched last period yesterday... and lindee picked me up and we went straight to farm basket. i saw marcos and he said hey. i told him im still waiting for him to call for the job. later we went to walmart. bought a fish. haha. then went to take it to her house. then we went to jordans to ask if he wanted to go with us later that night to go bowling. he said he would.. so we took the car to get washed... or maybe we did that first. but i saw an awesome car. that i want. the guy in it thought i was looking at him.. but i didnt even notice him. it was all the car! so then we went back to her house. it was so sad. there was a dog in the road.. nobody even moved it. we were going to but we couldnt exactly turn around. we got to the bowling place. it was all leagues. jordan goes home so its me lindee and her mom. we see starsky and hutch. good stuff. we went to a lot of places yesterday... did lots. it was fun. when i got home i called conrad... even though it was past midnight for him. but i told him good night.

he has a tendancy to cut the conversation short and piss me off right before he hangs up the phone. yes, i know about those stupid rules. since when did they cut your phone call time down to 15 minutes? thats bull shit. then you piss me off saying "thats doing me a favor" right after i say fine i'll just hang up. because before you were being an ass. man, i dont know how you, one single person, can get me so pissed off so easily. can you answer that for me? because i'd like to know the answer to that. i love how you seem to enjoy making me so worked up and just leave me and these feelings hanging. alright so whatever. but thanks a lot. im just thanking you for doing this all the time. when you arent lying to me you are getting me so worked up and for stupid little shit. you tell me to call you tomorrow. ha, i dont think i should.... i really dont want to.. either. Give me strength.

i just can never get to a working computer long enough to make an entry. my computer doesnt work and i just got my grandparents computer working. im not even going to back track with anything from the days i missed. i will just explain my weekend. well lately i have been getting irritated with my mom... and she has had a bad attitude. its no wonder i dont tell her much. friday afternoon fidi picked me up and we went to this small concert. we met up with a few other people. i drove jennifer to del taco with chris', the keyboardist, truck. that thing is huge. afterwards i went with fidi to the church to set up some chairs for the choir that was going to perform the next day. as soon as fidi took me home and left i called feruzi. he was in the neighborhood and came over for an hour and we just talked outside while my mom and cousins slept. he took me to church the next day. afterwards we all got ready to go hiking. it was fidi's 19 birthday and thats what he wanted to do. so we hiked then his car club buddies were there so i talked to this kid bernard and his brother J. i never met J before and we kept up a conversation. i kept telling him to stop by the church. he said he felt uncomfortable because he doesnt know anyone. i said well now you know SOMEONE. so he might stop by. which is cool. he is a cool guy. we talked a lot and he was really nice. there was this other guy... who was new to our church and he was cute. haha... after the car club we went to eat at chiles. there was about 20 of us there. so when you are in the mountains there is no service for cell phones. it comes back when you get to town. so while at dinner i call my mom and the house phone rings... i knew it was conrad. as soon as she hung up with him he called me. i missed it. so i called him back. he was yelling at me and accusing me of being with another guy... the next was out 2 year anniversary. and he is like "if you fucked up tell me now and we can end this." so i tried to get a word in but he wouldnt let me. so i told him to just shut the hell up. i was embarrassed my friends were there listening while i nearly cried at my friends birthday dinner. come to find out he was drunk after promising me he wouldnt. because bad things are going on with him. so he took it out on me. on the way home i was with feruzi, j, bernard, and daniel. when i got out of the car daniel is all like "can i have a hug?" so i gave him one, the bernard, and then j. while i was hugging him i told him to go to the church next week. he tells me that it is a possibility. i was like dude, im not kidding... if you dont go i know where you live. hahaha. he laughed at me. the next day he didnt even remember most of it... he thinks the guy that gave him the ONE beer put something in it. so he apologized and whatever. i waited for his call at 10. it never came... like he said it would. later i yelled at him just to NOT lie to me. thats the last thing i want and the last thing he should be doing to ME. his girlfriend/fiance... whatever. so i reemed him a new ass. but during this wonderful.... day my grandma got me a prom dress for my 18th birthday. then i went home and babysat my cousins.... and took a lot of phone calls from people. so he and i are okay... things are okay... i just cant keep giving in to it. so sunday im 18. wow. tomorrow is my first day of work!!!!!!! COOL!!!!!!!! the fifth is my grandpa's birthday... and then a week from this friday... CONRAD IS COMING!!!!! i told my mom that my friends were goign to celebrate my birthday that weekend. and a lot of other stuff is going on... so that way i can spend some time alone with him... for 3 days!!!! i know its not much but to me it is... but after this visit, he is going to move here! whoop.

is it time for me to update? yeah, i think so. so much stuff has gone on lately. i saw mike and baby brandon the day before yesterday. and mike made the mistake of talking about the president and such to my grandma and i tried to save him but it was too late. later i talked to him and said, "i tried to bite your tongue for you but it was too late." he started laughing. i swear, if i hear another racist comment from either of my grandparents im going to go off the wall. and scream. i hate it. i mean geez, get over it. sorry about the april fools trick. i thought it was funny. kidding. later all. CONRAD IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO BE 18 IN MAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2nd.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!