everytime I'm at Josh's house it's like this...in fact everytime I have anything to do with him like talking on the phone or whatever it's like we are dating again, but we're not? I dunno, like I reallllly realllllllly just want to be friends with him but when I'm with him all of that just disappears and I'm in, love and everything about him seems wonderful and like we don't even fight anymore and we seem 1,000 times closer now. It's soo weird. I mean everyone thinks we're dating again because that's how much time I spend with him...GAHHH! It's soo messed up. I have all of the perks of being a girlfriend, hah like not just the obvious one though. He doesn't hang out with girls or have anything to do with girls for the most part like he always wants to be with me and I always wanna be with him too. And it sucks because like I have to lie to myself and all my friends like "Oh we're not together. No, I hate him. We're just friends. Or he can't get over me and keeps bothering me." God I don't know why I do that! It's like I'm ashamed to say "Yeah, I'm hopelessly inlove with the kid so I am still with him!!!" I don't want to admit that someone seriously has the power over me to like make me do everything and anything for him because I hate being like that...I like being the one in control and whatnot! I feel terrible too because like if he calls me when I'm with people or if I see him while I'm with my friends I'm soo mean to him... :( And then to top it all off I have to hide that I'm having anything to do with Josh from mi familia, Jesse, and other guy friends cause they will murder me! Jeeze, if all the guy friends supposedly care about so much to not let me be with Josh then why don't they be with me so I can get over him??? I hate this...I just want school to start so I can leave Josh or I just want people to jump off my back and let me be with him! I really do love him...so much. I honestly think that no matter how hard I try to avoid him he will always be there and I am so lost for words when I think about my future and like marriage and I know that is soooo far down the road but we had everything planned out perfect and I am completely stumbled as to how I'm going to let someone in and share what I have shared with Josh. Shit, I doubt that I will ever find anyone that I can even connect with on that level & I'm not sure I want to! It just sucks because I know I'm so much better than him and I deserve a lot more...Love is soo hypocritical and over-rated. You set all these high standards and expect so much out of someone but then your complete opposite or someone soo wrong for you can just waltz in and blow you away and everything you knew just goes out the window in a matter of minutes. Why is love such a big deal? Why do people try to rationalize or philosiphy love...why can't you just let things happen and go with it?! Here's a good one... Why can't people recognize love before they lose it and why can't they cherish it and celebrate it while they can before it's too late!!!?

-*-*-*-*-*-*--*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- Our seperation has it's faults But I don't wanna leave it all So write the letters in teary ink I just need some time to think And I just need some time to breathe Baby just say goodnight I'll be gone tomorrow Baby just close your eyes I can't take the sorrow Baby just walk away You know I can't stay There's no easy way to say goodbye So baby just say goodnight We're in a spell that never ends The empty hourglass wore me thin So let the phone do it's work Your voice is heaven But it hurts Your words are memories But they burn Baby just say goodnight I'll be gone tomorrow Baby just close your eyes I can't take the sorrow Baby just walk away You know I can't stay There's no easy way to say goodbye So baby just say goodnight Baby don't say goodbye Baby just close your eyes And dream,tomorrow's on it's way So just walk away Baby just say goodnight I'll be gone tomorrow Baby just close your eyes I can't take the sorrow Baby just walk away You know I can't stay There's no easy way to say goodbye So baby just say goodnight Baby just say goodnight