he messaged me yesterday. i didnt know what to say. i wished to tell him of all the grief he caused.. but i chose not to i just wanted to speak to him, like we used to. with no worries and freely.. so he called, it was akward. i made it that way. i know if i let go..he'll take it again..and frankly, i wont allow him to do so. he asked why i never asked of him before.. i fibbed... he hurt me, but i wish only affluence for him. i dont know why, or perhaps i do know it but i wish not to think of it. im not sure. i just want to be with him soooo badly.. but..then what? whats after that? he goes his way..i go mine. only memories will be left, nothing more and nothing less... do i really wish for that. i dont believe i should of messaged him that day. no... i should of just continued dreaming every now and then of him... but no, i couldnt bear the thought that he'd only be there in dreams. i couldnt allow myself to do that..either.. he knew i never stopped loving him, he knew i wasnt capable of doing so... the first words that i heard from his mouth was..."wow...pao.." those words...those few words...wow. i just... i really just...i have no words.. when i speak to him, in the begining i just feel like im, well... drunk. i dont know what im saying..i dont know what im doing and my stomach burns softly. just enough to keep me warm. and when i hear him say those three words...i recieve a surge of...i dont know what it is...just...its unexplainable. he continues speaking and it gets silent.. during the silence i remember the past. i remember how cruel i was..to him, and his friend (my other ex). he was cruel to me, which made it all the more amusing! i then remember the way he... well... seduced me... step one, become friends with and relate step two, defend and advise step three, show sympathy and care step four, point out the small things... step five, share your true feelings, by now the other person feels either a friendly bond...or another type of bond... and there you go.. thats what he did. i still remember i know all this and i get angered when i think of it yet.. at the same time i feel... odd... i dont care, i just want him all this was done on phone... nothing more.. three times a day...everyday.. and on weekends too i felt.. appreciated.. liberated... and captivated by his voice... but, with that same voice he did many things which will not be explained word for word.. when im not around him..i feel desperate, anxious and oh so many more feelings which i cant explain. ... its amazing what one person can do...hundreds of miles away..... amor y paz, paola