I'm stoned on xanax right now and really tired, so I'm going to try and get this out of me as much as I can as quickly as I can. Lets hope I don't hit the cancel button this time. I hate being the "jealous" girlfriend. I hate it so much. It's not me being possessive, it's me being protective of myself. I feel like because of the shit that happened in my last two relationships, I cant fully trust anyone, especially guys. It's that and the basic empty-headed "rules" of male-female friendships. I mean, fuck guys can have female friends. I feel so guilty. I cant stand it when he spends time with his female friend (who is also my friend) without me. He fucking planned something with her a while before I came along. He bought the tickets, he should fucking go, not ask her to find someone else to go. But I cant help but feel uneasy, or rather bitching about it to him. I'm scared. I'm always fucking scared. I feel so guilty. Jealousy is stupid and so am I. I let those two stupid dipshits leave these deep, ugly scars that I cant hide. So no, I don't know what to do with myself. If I'm not like this, I do run the risk of getting hurt again. But I feel like I could be fucking things with someone I adore by being a stupid jealous girl. I don't know what to fucking do except cry, which is what I'm going to go do right now. And the only reason I'm not saying this to him is because he is asleep.