xMisShapenChaos:I don't feel like talking MyFriendIsATaco: hey, i just tried calling MyFriendIsATaco: i was not over katies todya Auto response from xMisShapenChaos: Does it all simply end in a blanket of darkness? xMisShapenChaos: I don't care MyFriendIsATaco: i acme home and fell asleep xMisShapenChaos: I don't feel like talking MyFriendIsATaco: well whats wrong? xMisShapenChaos: Nothing. I don't want to talk xMisShapenChaos: I'm sure katie will tell you MyFriendIsATaco: what happened? MyFriendIsATaco: i was seriously not over her house today xMisShapenChaos: Thats fine. MyFriendIsATaco: what did she say to you? xMisShapenChaos: Nothing, forget it MyFriendIsATaco: :-( MyFriendIsATaco: think of post-it notes :-D xMisShapenChaos: I'm not happy..I'm not going to be tonight. MyFriendIsATaco: can you explain to me what happened? xMisShapenChaos: I'm literally like making myself sick with the thoughts of all the stress in my life MyFriendIsATaco: please, you wanted to talk before, and im sorry i was sleeping and didnt have my phone on me xMisShapenChaos: Its fine xMisShapenChaos: i don't want to talk MyFriendIsATaco: thast not good MyFriendIsATaco: you have to talk MyFriendIsATaco: please xMisShapenChaos: I don't have anything to say MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, dammit, i want to help you! xMisShapenChaos: Theres nothing to help xMisShapenChaos: Read my journal.. thats as big of an explaination as you're going to ger MyFriendIsATaco: I think I might have messed things up with Matt MyFriendIsATaco: ?? xMisShapenChaos: If you knew what me and katie talked about. MyFriendIsATaco: tell me MyFriendIsATaco: i dont care what it is xMisShapenChaos: No. MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, there is nothing you can say that would screw things up between us xMisShapenChaos: I bet MyFriendIsATaco: dont be afraid xMisShapenChaos: I'm not xMisShapenChaos: i don't want to talk about it xMisShapenChaos: Talk to me Matt MyFriendIsATaco: im trying to! xMisShapenChaos: Not about that.. MyFriendIsATaco: no, i want to MyFriendIsATaco: if youre not going to, im going to call katie, and i dont want to do that becasue she lies xMisShapenChaos: well no one ever believes me anyways. MyFriendIsATaco: i always believe you xMisShapenChaos: brb xMisShapenChaos: Alright xMisShapenChaos: She was just like reading my previous journal entry with the lyrics in it and it says "I love you so much" and she was like is that about cory because I know thats not about Matt, and I was like its not about cory.. xMisShapenChaos: Its not about anyone.. shes all like "I hear that you're telling people that you are only dating matt out of sympathy" which I aslo said I never said and wasn't true. But she doesn't believe me.. MyFriendIsATaco: ok...so why is that bothering me? i believe you xMisShapenChaos: No.. xMisShapenChaos: You will believe her.. xMisShapenChaos: I just know it MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, no, i wont xMisShapenChaos: Because there is something good in my life.. its bound to be messed up MyFriendIsATaco: no jackie MyFriendIsATaco: trust me, please xMisShapenChaos: I do.. MyFriendIsATaco: i will NEVER let anything katie says ruin what we have MyFriendIsATaco: believe me when i say this, i dont want to mess this up as much as you dont, you are the best thing to ever happen to me, there is no way im goign to ever let something someone else said to ruin it xMisShapenChaos: you say that but thats what mike said too and look at what happened with him and jess? MyFriendIsATaco: i dotn know how to prove it to you to make it better, i just dont, you have to trust me on this xMisShapenChaos: I do trust you MyFriendIsATaco: well i dont know what else to tell you xMisShapenChaos: Don't worry about it MyFriendIsATaco: you need to stop comparing us to other people xMisShapenChaos: I know MyFriendIsATaco: other people make mistake...im sure we will too, but were different people xMisShapenChaos: I know xMisShapenChaos: I just don't wnat to mess up like I know I will MyFriendIsATaco: no you wont xMisShapenChaos: you obviously don't know me that well then MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, im a very forgiving person MyFriendIsATaco: it would take A LOT, and i mean A LOT to make me want to break up with you, trust me xMisShapenChaos: I do trust you. xMisShapenChaos: I don;t trust myself. MyFriendIsATaco: dont worry about it...i know you love me MyFriendIsATaco: thats all that matters xMisShapenChaos: Yea xMisShapenChaos: I just feel bad you have to put up with me when my world is falling apart more than it ever has before.. I'm not like this.. I never was.. MyFriendIsATaco: thats why im trying to help you MyFriendIsATaco: its not a matter of me "putting up with you", i love you, i look forward to being with you MyFriendIsATaco: its not a burden xMisShapenChaos: I don't know anymore Matt, everything that I have ever kept inside is about to boil over. Every emotion I ever had, every tear I ever held back seems to all be coming out at one moment and I am powerless to stop it. I feel as though I am screaming in the middle of a crowded room at the top of my lungs and no one even bothers to realize I am there. I have never felt so alone and worthless in my entire like and I don't like feeling this way. I hate it actually. I miss being happy. Today with you I was so happy. When I am with you I am the happiest I have been in a long time. But I still can't talk to you about everything. it will scare you off how messed up I really am. I would rather be alone the ever hurt you. MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, i promise you can never hurt me by telling me something MyFriendIsATaco: it will never make me not want to talk to you xMisShapenChaos: I don't know anymore Matt.. I'm not sure of anything MyFriendIsATaco: you need to be sure MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, i want to go somewhere and talk with you xMisShapenChaos: I don't want to talk about the things I've been through. I don't want to talk about the things I've never told anyone. Anyone. Conversations on AIM can be read by people you don't want them to.. Online diaries can be hacked... but my mind can't. The secrets lie there forever.. chaining me down. Even if I let them out, I'd still be stuck in hell. I can't erase any of it. I can't fix it. No one can. No one can save me. The lights that try to guide me are swallowed in the void. MyFriendIsATaco: wow, theres some really complicated wording in there... MyFriendIsATaco: haha MyFriendIsATaco: i dotn know what to say, or what i can do, i want you to talk to me, you need tot alk to me xMisShapenChaos: Did you not read what I just wrote? xMisShapenChaos: I don't want to talk MyFriendIsATaco: yes i did MyFriendIsATaco: but you NEED to MyFriendIsATaco: you cant keep all of this shit in you xMisShapenChaos: I don't see the good it would do. You wouldn't understand either way. All it would do is open up a number of opportunities for it to be used against me. Having it out is no different any way. the memories are still there to haunt me. Talking will NEVER take that away MyFriendIsATaco: if you dont want anything bad to happen, you need to tell me everything about anything MyFriendIsATaco: but i cant help, at least id know what is going on MyFriendIsATaco: and there is no way it would get used against you, i would not tell anybody about anything xMisShapenChaos: Matt, there is a void in my life, in my heart that needs to be filled. By love beyond one person. I need my parents to love me. My dad to appoligize to me. I need my best friend to admit she was wrong like I have. In the past week I have lost more people close to me than ever before. Their death would have been better than this. At least they would be 6 feet under ground and not in front of my face teasing me and taunting me with the love they refuse to give to me. MyFriendIsATaco: im sorry :-( MyFriendIsATaco: i dont understand why nobody loves you... MyFriendIsATaco: there is no reason to MyFriendIsATaco: i wish i had enough love for all of those peopel combined :-( xMisShapenChaos: Its okay Matt, really MyFriendIsATaco: no, its not MyFriendIsATaco: are you allowed to leave right now? xMisShapenChaos: No xMisShapenChaos: I don't want to talk even if I was MyFriendIsATaco: well i just wnat to be with you MyFriendIsATaco: and try to help MyFriendIsATaco: adn you can talk as much or as little as you want MyFriendIsATaco: i want to be there for you xMisShapenChaos: I don't NEED anyone to be there for me xMisShapenChaos: they were never there before and I got along fine MyFriendIsATaco: yes you do MyFriendIsATaco: youre not doing fine xMisShapenChaos: Yes I am MyFriendIsATaco: im sorry, but youre not, i dont wnat to be mean about it xMisShapenChaos: Why aren't I? MyFriendIsATaco: you said it yourself...youre falling apart xMisShapenChaos: But I am capeable of building myself up again.. I have done it before without anyone's help MyFriendIsATaco: but i want to help...itd make things easier MyFriendIsATaco: you need to not keep the peopel taht do love you shunned out of your life xMisShapenChaos: Matt, you are the only one. you are not out of my life, MyFriendIsATaco: i feel like i am MyFriendIsATaco: you dont want to tell me everything, and you dont want me to help you...what else am i here for? xMisShapenChaos: Just love me no matter what, if my world is falling apart. or I'm on top of it.. Just love me MyFriendIsATaco: i do love you, but it hurts me to see you like this when there is nothing i can do about it MyFriendIsATaco: thats why i want to see you right now just so i can hug you and reassure you things will be alrigh and so you know im here for you MyFriendIsATaco: i will always be there for you, no matter what your problem is....thats why i truely believe that i am in love with you right now xMisShapenChaos: I love you too.. More than anything.. but I need to deal with this on my own. xMisShapenChaos: You are not always going to be there for me to lean on. I don't want to get used to you being my crutch when something is wrong then you leave and my world fall apart again MyFriendIsATaco: i will always be there for you....im not leaving austintown...unless you do, then i can always keep in touch with you MyFriendIsATaco: but for now, im not going anywhere MyFriendIsATaco: at least until you graduate... xMisShapenChaos: But not even that. If we were to break up.. If anything were to happen and you weren't there. I want to be able to keep my world together on my own. Not because you held it up MyFriendIsATaco: i understand....i just want to help you bring your world back together quicker MyFriendIsATaco: im not asking you to just rely on me, but i can help xMisShapenChaos: I know xMisShapenChaos: But I don't need help xMisShapenChaos: This is my life and my problems xMisShapenChaos: I don't want you to get involved in this black hole that is my life. I don't want you to understand how I feel or even know. Its painful and I don't wish it upon anyone. MyFriendIsATaco: but you dont understand...your problems are my problems too xMisShapenChaos: Why are they? xMisShapenChaos: I created them all on my own. I can diminish them on my own too xMisShapenChaos: Matt.. I am fine.. Really.. MyFriendIsATaco: becasue it would be impossible for me to just let you go and not ever question you about anything...if you have a problem, i obligate myself to help you xMisShapenChaos: Please just let it go. I am fine MyFriendIsATaco: theyre not actually "my problems", just i make it a point to help you with it, i dont want to see you sad xMisShapenChaos: I'm not sad with you, you make me happier than I have been in a long time.. MyFriendIsATaco: i know, you were happy today :-D im that good xMisShapenChaos: Yea xMisShapenChaos: This is seriously how I feel.. Kill me. Now. Please? I don't care how. Slit my throat, put a bullet through my brain, choke me, break my neck... I don't want to put up with this. Any of this. It's too much to deal with. I'm forcing myself so much to appear semi-happy. And it's not working. All it does is make me more aggravated. I hate this. And I hate myself. I want this all to die.. ..but I want myself to more. I want to give up.. but I've done so much work already. And it's still leading me nowhere... except down. I've got no distance left to fall. MyFriendIsATaco: ok, wow, im scared for you right now xMisShapenChaos: I just can't take this.. xMisShapenChaos: I think I am going to go to my room.. MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, please, i need to see you now xMisShapenChaos: try to sleep this off.. I don't want to talk.. xMisShapenChaos: No.. MyFriendIsATaco: i need to hug you and reassure you xMisShapenChaos: I don't need reassurance.. xMisShapenChaos: I came into this world alone, I'll leave that way. Maybe sooner than people would have expected MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, no MyFriendIsATaco: you dont know how badly id feel if you killed yourself MyFriendIsATaco: first off, youd ruin my dating life forever!! id NEVER be able to date somebody because id feel i killed them!, haha, but seriously, you are my world right now....i would do anything for you (within reason), if you killed yourself, id probably kill myself too, you are the only person holding me together right now, without you, id have probably already killed myself xMisShapenChaos: But Matt, there is nothing wrong in your life. You have friends that care about you.. Mallory, kaite, Abby.. even the guys.. Think of Mark. You guys are close. He would miss you.. The only people who would be at my funeral (other thna the people obligated to be there) would be you and my sister.. Beacuse you loved me.. genuinely loved me. You life would not fall apart. You would find another girl, nicer, prettier, and smarter than me. fall in love and forget I even existed. Its the circle of relationships.. You would get bettter. I have been waiting for things to get better since I was like 7 when I realized things were bad MyFriendIsATaco: im sorry, but yes, i was falling apart, yes i have friends, but that just wasnt cutting it, i needed to be actually loved, it was something ive never experienced before adn im loving every moment of it now, i never wnat it to end, you never knew how i actually felt because i was always happy when i was aroudn you, for soemreason i always felt a connection with you from the day we "cuddled" outside of the skate park...i knew you were someone special xMisShapenChaos: wasn't it rainy that day? haha I remember.. Yes, I enjoyed that too. MyFriendIsATaco: no...it definitely wasnt rainy, at least not when we were outside xMisShapenChaos: haha xMisShapenChaos: No, it was wet. xMisShapenChaos: haha xMisShapenChaos: I remember.. xMisShapenChaos: Oh hush MyFriendIsATaco: alls i know is that crusades of an omlet performed and you missed it, haha xMisShapenChaos: haha, xMisShapenChaos: yes because I went to get McD's MyFriendIsATaco: but honestly, but that night, ive had some sort of feeling for you MyFriendIsATaco: it wasnt love then....but it was just a connection i felt between you xMisShapenChaos: I thought you like.. didn't even want to be my friend.. hmph MyFriendIsATaco: haha, you also had cory then too xMisShapenChaos: Yes, I did MyFriendIsATaco: so im not expecting you to havea connection with me xMisShapenChaos: No, I wanted to be your friend.. But I loved cory MyFriendIsATaco: i understand xMisShapenChaos: But thats the past.. MyFriendIsATaco: :-) MyFriendIsATaco: is that a smile? xMisShapenChaos: Yea MyFriendIsATaco: yay! xMisShapenChaos: mhm.. xMisShapenChaos: its gone though MyFriendIsATaco: damn MyFriendIsATaco: better than nothing though xMisShapenChaos: :( I look like that again MyFriendIsATaco: :-( MyFriendIsATaco: im like that again too MyFriendIsATaco: actually, im more like :- MyFriendIsATaco: im actually thinking about you and my brains not used to it, haha xMisShapenChaos: what are you thinking? MyFriendIsATaco: about how much i love you and how much you mean to me and just how everything you have said to me makes me feel xMisShapenChaos: haha thats okay.. dave is getting me fries with a frostie! MyFriendIsATaco: haha xMisShapenChaos: How does it make you feel.? MyFriendIsATaco: i have mixed feelings...im happy about how you feel for me, but thats only me being selfish in a way, but im just generally sad about what you are going though and there is nothing i can do about it...i really dont think you haev any idea about how that feels xMisShapenChaos: I do know how that feels MyFriendIsATaco: its just im a very compassionate person to people in general...i always care about how other people feel, no matter who they are...but then theres you...my favorite person out of everyone....the love of my life....the most important thing to me EVER...and youre sad, and i cant fix it...its a bit overwhelming for me...ive always been able to help any of my friends problems before, katie would come to me with a problem, or mallory, and id just be able to talk to them and reassure them about stuff and everything would be alright...i cant do that with you...and i dont know how to deal wiht it xMisShapenChaos: But I'm okay xMisShapenChaos: My world is not falling apart. I over-exaggerate.. Nothing is wrong.. Fprget I said anything xMisShapenChaos: I'm okay. I promise MyFriendIsATaco: im sorry, but i dont believe you on that xMisShapenChaos: Why.? MyFriendIsATaco: i cant xMisShapenChaos: Why.? xMisShapenChaos: I'm alright, I promise.. xMisShapenChaos: Matt, believe me.. stop worring about me.. MyFriendIsATaco: i cant stop worrying about you! you dont understand obviously xMisShapenChaos: I do.. xMisShapenChaos: I get that you care.. But If you cared you'd let me figure this out for myself MyFriendIsATaco: there is no way i could tell myself to not worry about you xMisShapenChaos: Then worry away.. xMisShapenChaos: I love you so much. Thank you for being there for me and my crazyness.. xMisShapenChaos: but I swear.. My world is okay.. I'm okay.. MyFriendIsATaco: is that 100% truth there? xMisShapenChaos: no. MyFriendIsATaco: ok then MyFriendIsATaco: i know its not MyFriendIsATaco: i know you better than that xMisShapenChaos: I know xMisShapenChaos: I wish I could see you now. and you were here to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. MyFriendIsATaco: so do i MyFriendIsATaco: ive been wanting to do that MyFriendIsATaco: so badly xMisShapenChaos: I wish I oculd just pour my heart out to you.. But, I can't MyFriendIsATaco: well thats up to you MyFriendIsATaco: i wish you could too MyFriendIsATaco: but i cant force you to xMisShapenChaos: I know.. MyFriendIsATaco: i wish that you never had to leave me, you are happy when youre with me, im happy whem im wiht you... xMisShapenChaos: its not that I don;t trust you. I know I can tell you anything. Idon't want to break down and cry with you there. xMisShapenChaos: i don't want you to ever see me cry MyFriendIsATaco: jackie, if you did that, there would be no shame in it, thats what im here for...i would not think anything less of you, i would think more of you actually, i would know that you are comfortable enough with me to do that...honestly, id probably cry with you...for some reason, its like a magical thing, (dont make fun of me) the first and only time ive ever seen someone cry genuinely was katie, and it was an experience...i dont know why, but it sort of made me happy inside...not becasue she was sad, but becasue i know she loves me enough to do that in front of me, i dont even think happy was the word, its more reassuring xMisShapenChaos: You know I am comfortable with you. I don't cry for ANYONE. I hate to cry, although its all i have seemed to be doing for the past week. I hate being like this, I hate being this sad all the time.. I've tried to be happy, I really have. But its hard to see the light through all of this darkness MyFriendIsATaco: But its hard to see the light through all of this darkness MyFriendIsATaco: you sound so poetic, haha MyFriendIsATaco: why dont you ever talk like that, youre like a little shakespeare xMisShapenChaos: haha.. xMisShapenChaos: I read a poem while we were talking. xMisShapenChaos: wanna read? MyFriendIsATaco: sure MyFriendIsATaco: ill try MyFriendIsATaco: haha xMisShapenChaos: Not like you're going to understand it.. but it is pretty simple xMisShapenChaos: If I believed I could trust you, maybe things would be different If I believed in God, maybe I'd be happier. If I believed there was a point to this, maybe I'd listen. If I believed there was a light at the end of this tunnel, maybe I'd continue on. If I believed that this life would get better, maybe I wouldn't be here now... waiting for my chance to end it. MyFriendIsATaco: sadness...not good MyFriendIsATaco: read happy stuff MyFriendIsATaco: ill write you a poem, im sweet at it, and mine are always happy and youll laugh because theyre so simple and stupid and make no sense xMisShapenChaos: haha MyFriendIsATaco: give me a random stupid word MyFriendIsATaco: ill write a poem about it xMisShapenChaos: No. MyFriendIsATaco: come on!! MyFriendIsATaco: do it!! xMisShapenChaos: no MyFriendIsATaco: the first silly word to come to you head xMisShapenChaos: no MyFriendIsATaco: goat? MyFriendIsATaco: alright MyFriendIsATaco: works for me, haha xMisShapenChaos: heh MyFriendIsATaco: im on it MyFriendIsATaco: i got 4 lines already xMisShapenChaos: haha, YESS MyFriendIsATaco: i got it MyFriendIsATaco: its called "Ernie" MyFriendIsATaco: There once was a man who was half goat He lived on the ocean on a great big boat Sometimes he drove his boat to the shore To shop at the local deli store He buys lots of ham But never SPAM He uses that ham to decorate his boat I dont know why...maybe because he is half goat! MyFriendIsATaco: now that takes skill xMisShapenChaos: you bet it does! xMisShapenChaos: it made me laugh.. OUT LOUD! MyFriendIsATaco: see, i can write poety too!! MyFriendIsATaco: yeah, thats what my goal is xMisShapenChaos: xMisShapenChaos: Thank you. xMisShapenChaos: I needed that MyFriendIsATaco: want me to write another one? xMisShapenChaos: if you would like MyFriendIsATaco: give me a random topic...i used to do this all the time for some reason xMisShapenChaos: Pickles MyFriendIsATaco: id be sitting there and some kid will just tell me to write about a snowman, and id write like a 30 line poem just on a snowman MyFriendIsATaco: ill try with pickles MyFriendIsATaco: im losign my touch dammit! xMisShapenChaos: haha MyFriendIsATaco: im losing rhyming skills xMisShapenChaos: poems don't ahve to rhyme MyFriendIsATaco: mine do! xMisShapenChaos: haha, okay MyFriendIsATaco: rhyming word for mom...quickly xMisShapenChaos: IdK MyFriendIsATaco: damit xMisShapenChaos: haha MyFriendIsATaco: rhymes with woman... MyFriendIsATaco: go xMisShapenChaos: www.rhymezone.com xMisShapenChaos: FIND OUT YOURSELF MyFriendIsATaco: hahaha MyFriendIsATaco: wow, only one word that rhymes with woman xMisShapenChaos: haha xMisShapenChaos: quick.. I must get off MyFriendIsATaco: haha, alright MyFriendIsATaco: I just bought a pickle... It only cost me a nickle... I currently have no plans Only to stack up my cans I really dont know why I bought this pickle But it only cost me ONE nickle! Maybe I will give it to my neighbor In hopes he will do my labor Maybe I will give it to a beautiful lady (as in you) In hopes that she will not be shady Maybe this pickle is worth more than a normal pickle... But I still, only paid ONE nickle! xMisShapenChaos: haha.. xMisShapenChaos: you just made my daY! MyFriendIsATaco: damn right i did xMisShapenChaos: xMisShapenChaos: We can have a heart to heart talk tomorrow after school if you wish.. since you want to talk. MyFriendIsATaco: can we? xMisShapenChaos: Sure MyFriendIsATaco: promise? xMisShapenChaos: Yes. MyFriendIsATaco: yay! MyFriendIsATaco: just spill your heart out to me :-D i cant wait xMisShapenChaos: its not going to be all that great MyFriendIsATaco: why not? xMisShapenChaos: Good night matthew.. I love you.. Thanks for EVERYTHING.. MyFriendIsATaco: i love you too, thank you for letting me help you MyFriendIsATaco: dont ever think i cant xMisShapenChaos: You just listened to me and reassured me that I am not alone and I am loved.. xMisShapenChaos: By one person, but thats enough MyFriendIsATaco: you are loved MyFriendIsATaco: you mean the world and more to me MyFriendIsATaco: honestly xMisShapenChaos: And you mean that to me.. xMisShapenChaos: You kept me talking and that saved me from doing something stupid. MyFriendIsATaco: :-) MyFriendIsATaco: you can call me anytime if you need to stop yourself from doing anything stupid MyFriendIsATaco: i dont care what time or where im at or who im with MyFriendIsATaco: if its that important, it doesnt matter xMisShapenChaos: Don't make empty promises you can't keep. MyFriendIsATaco: no, i can keep that one, as long as i haev my phone on me, haha MyFriendIsATaco: or im not at a concert adn i cant talk to you because its too loud, haha MyFriendIsATaco: i never wnat you to do something stupid again xMisShapenChaos: i'll try not to MyFriendIsATaco: no pills...no cutting xMisShapenChaos: sweet dreams my love.. You mean the world to me.. xMisShapenChaos: No pills.. MyFriendIsATaco: sweet dreams my love xMisShapenChaos: I promise no pills MyFriendIsATaco: no cutting either! xMisShapenChaos: I promise no pills. MyFriendIsATaco: promise me MyFriendIsATaco: jackie... xMisShapenChaos: I can't promise anything.. MyFriendIsATaco: NO CUTTING xMisShapenChaos: I can promise I'll try. MyFriendIsATaco: alright, well if you get the urge to, call me, ill talk you out of it MyFriendIsATaco: can you promise me that? xMisShapenChaos: But I must go.. My mother is hollering for me.. I love you more than anything.. xMisShapenChaos: Yes. I can MyFriendIsATaco: i love you too, ill see you tomorrow