i think a conversation is in order, but i'm not sure i want to have it. ohh- i am a cheater. i made a xanga since sitDiary is practically dead for me anymore. but xangas are not the same. i still ♥ sitD.

i should be tackling me shitload of homework that i have procrastinated until the last possible second but instead i will take this time for sitD updation. academically things are beginning to catch up with me and i need to get back on top of them. otherwise life seems pretty good, except for a few slight reservations i still have about a certain something.

he is cute and awkward. i have a little crush. i hope friday goes well. in other news: i think i need to start driving with my windows up, at least at night. or maybe just stop staring at other drivers, because it leads to uncomfortable moments such as friday night when i was sitting at the stop light and the lady in the car next to me yelled at because the large blackman in her backseat had apparently been "trying to holler at" me and i had ignored him. then she asked me if i "had a husband or boyfriend or something." i just nodded and resisted the urge to immediately roll up my window, so i didn't seem like a bitch. then the light changed. or last night when i looked at the kid in the car next to me cause i thought maybe i knew him. and then the kid slowed down and stared directly at me without saying anything for a couple minutes. maybe i knew him, he looked the annoying kid in my discrete math class. that kid drives me insane. he either talks or taps something constantly. and he loves jimmy buffet. and when he is bored or people are not paying enough attention to him he does things like randomly mark my homework with his hilighter or stare at me. which makes me think maybe that was him last night...we will see in 4th period today... also, i got rejected from national honor society. i thought that everyone always got but i guess this year since they change the process they are being more selective as well. apparetnly tons of people didn't get in this year. i'm pretty sure i didn't get in because i said that i was doing this because it would make my parents happy and maybe not think i am depressed anymore in my essay. i really did want to do it. so it is for the best that i got rejected i suppose.

sex and the city depresses me. i would like to have a man. not even really a boyfriend, just a lover. HA. i have problems. and angst in my pants. that sounds so trashy, but it is a song, i swear. anyway- i hate when people think i am bad. i am not bad, damnit i'm good. don't make me feel guilty for letting go once in a long while. school starts soon. it is probably for the best because i am restless and need to be constantly occupied again. the internet has begun to bore me. i need to find new and exciting websites to entertain myself with. or maddox should update. ha my life is boring. my nose hurts. probably from all the blow.

what makes me happy right now -coffee buzzes -hair cuts -my reduced appetite -boys -boys who compliment me -my kitty -my new tank top -onelinedrawing -wonderful friends -nice boys... -vanilla scented shaving cream -almost being an adult -being a quitter -getting paid -drinking more than i should once in awhile -thinking about fall shows -online shopping -making lists again (even if they are redundant) -getting drunken phone calls -doing nothing at work -my ipod -thinking about college and the fact that this time next year i'll be leaving home -dave letterman -gelato

i have a weakness for boys who: -are tall -have their lips pierced -wear tight pants -are closet nerds -love music but don't play it, or are in a really good band -have good hair -say "kid" or "babe" (i think it's because it reminds me of bob dylan songs....) -like dylan -will burn cds for me -tell me i'm cute -are bigger than me (really shouldn't be an issue, but it is) -are sort of anal (with grammar or something) -think my weirdness is quirkiness and find it attractive -think my awkwardness is endearing too bad no boy like this exists outside of my brain

i hate when i get bored enough to do these How Stereotypical You Are...Created by uraverageteen and taken 35093 times on bzoink!The Generic Teenager StereotypeDo you drink [alcohol]?sometimesDo you party a lot? How often?almost neverDo you use drugs for recreational purposes?no...How often do you use the word like in an average hour?hopefully not more than once but i don't know...it depends who i am talking toDo you skip classes? How often?noDo you have casual sex? Protected?noDo you steal?noDo you wear inappropriate clothing?i don't think so. i feel boring.Do you drool over celebrities?musiciansDo you watch a lot of TV?yes too muchDo you ever watch the News?rarelyDo you even care about world issues?yesDo you read books often?i tryAre you failing a lot of your classes?noDo you spend most of your time with your friends?yeahDo you smoke cigarettes?noDo you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?steak n shakes, starbucks?Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?i am done with thatDo you cuss a lot?fuck yeahAre you desperate to fit in?noAre you intelligent?not particularlyThe Goth StereotypeBlack lipstick?nopeBlack eyeliner?yesBlack eyeshadow?noBlack trenchcoat?noBlack boots?noBlack fishnets?noBlack nail polish?rarelyCigarettes?noHeavy metal music?noMarilyn Manson?i don't mind himKittie?noCradle of Filth?noConstant frown and perpetual angst?probablyDo you like to be seen as?Are you an intellectual?i don't knowAn atheist?agnosticHorrible home life?noHopelessly depressed?noSuffering with suicidal idealations?noSelf-mutilation?noThe Punk StereotypePlaid?noBig black boots?noMohawk?aw man those are hotExcessive piercings? [Especially facial]mmm..love boys with lip piercings. but noLoud, confident and opinionated?maybeWild hair colors?noNOFX?yes!Rancid?yes!Well versed on political scandals and outrages?sometimes...A?The Jock SterotypeWhat's your IQ?i have no ideaDo you watch a lot of sports?no but i enjoy baseball gamesPlay a lot of sports?noTalk a lot about sports?noDo you do anything, really, but think about sports?yesAre you arrogant?probably to a degreeAre you a male or female whore?ha noAre you homophobic?noDo you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?noBut really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?noBoobs = yes?boobs = fatParties = yes?sometimesDropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?this is for jocks?The Girl StereotypeDo you spend a lot of time on your appearence?not reallyHave you ever been on a diet?nopeHow much did you lose?-Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?-Make yourself throw up?no but i often eat until i throw (not on purpose)Make-up?yesLow-cut tops?noHow big are your boobies? [Cup size]A...like i said boobs are just fat...:(Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?i hope notGiggle a lot?noWhat's the deal with boys?they are fuck assesThongs?i don't particularly like themPretty bras?yes (but YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?cosmo!Who's the weaker sex?males, at least geneticallyAre you a feminist?not really. i am very pro choice though.Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?veryHow often do you shave your legs?couple times a week. sometimes more like everyday other times it'll be over a week...How about your armpits?everyday almostAre you emotional?not reallyEspecially when on your period?i am thenThis Or That [Oh, that old coconut.]Originality or Acceptance?orginalityIndependence or Companionship?independenceStability or Freedom?freedomPersonal or Interpersonal?personalIntrovert or Extrovert?introvertPopularity or Isolation?popularityUnique or Loved?lovedUnderstood or Individual?understoodYou or Them?youCreate a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

the phrase is "for granted" not "for granite." what the hell would "for granite" mean anyway? are you taking things as rocks? i really want to scream or destroy something right now. stupid hormones. fun fact did you know that chlamydia is often transfered by digital intercourse (fingering/third base)? people should wash their hands and trim their nails before sticking them down each other's pants. ny brain hurts from all the annoyances of today.

i hate -slogans that use improper grammar -gwen stefani -gum chomping -my constant caffine induced insomnia -being ignored -tYpiNG lIKe tHis -spelling easy words wrong on purpose such as "know" being spelled "knoe" or a personal favorite of mine "real" as "rill" -passive-aggression -people who constantly say things that -when people make me feel guilty for drinking (i do it quite rarely and i would say quite responsibly) -lacking any skills or real hobbies -people so normal they are strange -my fucking myspace -small talk -liars -money (both wanting it and not having it) -my lack of ability to ever have a relationship -dogs that sniff my crotch -the word crotch -dogs that yip -horses -hummers -dramatic people who say they hate drama -fights -when my friends talk shit about eachother -the phrase "talk shit" -most social interactions -feeling guilty about food -relying on food for happiness

(it's not what you think) it has been awhile since this was even an issue but i was reflecting on certain things recently and came to some new conclusions. please do not make me into something/someone that i am not. i am not what you think. i am shallow and cynical and sarcastic and insecure. i will not feel guilty about being a bitch anymore because in my mind now it was justified. i am not a girl to put on a pedestal. i can see when you look at me that you think that i am this other person. someone much smarter and better adjusted. this bothers me more than anything, more than the invasion of privacy, more than awkwardness. if you really knew me, i would dissapoint you. so don't stay so fucking pissy, i did you a favor.

i hate meeting people at parties and such. small talk is for pussies. so is flirting. say what you mean or dont speak.

some space would be nice. and i am really thankful you "let" me live here. in other news the pyschiatrist gave me a clean bill of health.

my parents think i am "struggling." i think they want me to see a counselor/psychiatrist(?) i am not struggling anymore than is normal. but counseling has potential to be interesting. especially if it is free. i love getting haircuts. i have a crush on my hairdresser, travis, even though he is gay and i dont talk to him. i hate talking to hairdressers, it's annoying, such a cliche to them all your problems. and i'm sure they really dont give a shit about your fucked up relatives. tomorrow is friday. i work saturday. sigh.

my lips are very chapped. and i am out of chapstick.

it is pathetic that we cannot even have a five minute interaction without confrontation. every tiny conversation has to end in a meltdown. i say something dumb or use a certain tone. you get mad. you yell. i ignore it. you proceed to tell me that i make you feel like shit. i feel guilty. you get teary eyed. then we say our "i'm sorry. i'll try harder"s and we hug. these incidents happen almost daily, sometimes more and wine seems to be a consistent factor in their occurence. i know it's really not a big deal and i know that the only way i can make it stop is to censor myself more, or maybe just speak to you less. one of us has to be mature i suppose.

i need to skip my period over spring break.

it's amazing how something like a sunny day or good song or a casual conversation or even a smile can brighten up my day. there are far worse things in life, so i will just have to be a big girl and deal with my stupid insecurities or quit fucking complaining. i know something equally trivial will put me in a shitty mood again in no time but, i feel good right now, and that's all really matters.

i should just quit now.

i hope i have not become a bitter wench this early in life. christ, i am 17. the way things are going, by the time i am 22 i will be a crochety libararian, alone in the world except for my 7 cats, completely incapable of any affection for humans. except cats don't like me very much and i hate libararies, so maybe i will be a panhandler. or maybe...

i shouldn't be suprised or disappointed. i only get what i deserve.