i think this diary has died... that's sad.

oh man. i have eyeliner all over my face. jitterbug makes me happy. i am confused. still don't know what to do. that's it.

"i spent most of last night dragging this lake for the corpses of all my past mistakes. sell me out- the joke's on you. we are salt- you are the wound. empty another bottle and let me tear you to pieces. this is me wishing you into the worst situations. i'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go, but you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat. your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears, rather ones that just don't care because i know that you're in between arms somewhere next to heartbeats where you shouldn't dare sleep. i'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me" i heart purevolume.com, which brought me this song. which has nothing to do with what i am about to say...i just love it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ well it has been twice that i have been asked the question, "what's so special about him?". you know i just don't know how to answer that. someone told me today, "you could do so much better." but could i? what do other people see that makes them ask that? am i the one who is looking deeper into him and seeing what's good instead of just what's on the surface? or am i just blind and maybe going through the motions? desperation? infatuation? these questions have no answers right now.

i went to rehersal tonight. got to drive. fun fun. i listened to senses fail. the #1 best thing about driving is that i get to listen to music all by myself and sing without being heard. yess...

today: i got my license. awesome. FIRST...i drove to party city. then i went to marsh. then i went home. then back out to taco bell. it was great. i was just on the phone with bethany. there is nothing to say. my knees are very bruised from munchkin rehersal. i didn't have my knee pads. it really sucked. well i have run out of words...

well today started off bad. i woke up late and (unfourtunately) caught the bus. when i got to school, realized it was a gray day (i hate gray days). and i didn't really feel good. but after the long, boring day, i came home. then i went to musical rehersal. it was awesome. first we did munchkin stuff. then jitterbug stuff. i am not a very good dancer. i suck. $2.00. what can i say. i would do anything... "infatuations got me going crazy..."

today was a half day. and it rained. and poured. a lot. jessica rode the bus home with me. she was late. and then she yelled at us. i guess we should have taken that ride...NOT!! eewww... "i'm admitting it. i'm briting it. you better sweep the cobbwebs off the floor, floor, floor!" "Feeling: blasphemous many people change and i think my life is finally straightening out. i have a good group of friends i can count on. and i have a great family. so i just want to say thanx to all my friends for always being there(threw thick and thin) i love them all so much and i dont know what i would do with out them(exprecially chelsea) they have all showed me things ive never seen before and i am happier then ever! i dont think any more good can come my way. so thanx!!"....that's from jessica's blog...no matter what my mood, i can look to her to make me happy again. she's the best. i am feeling alone because i was recently told that my sister isn't coming over this weekend. and then i won't see her on thanksgiving. so pretty much i won't get to see her until...decemeber 2. i know that might now seem like much, but i love my sister (i really do) and i don't see her that much to begin with. and then she goes and works. i'm sorry, but she needs to get her priorities straight. i am not here to lecture, but just think about it. i like someone a lot. you all know. everyone knows. i really hate myself. i don't know what to do. no one can help me either. it's all me. "me baby...me..." i wish i could just call him up when i was sad and talk to him. but that's not how i work i guess. i am abnormal. and i don't like it. new zealand people make me happy. and that guy from kut-u-up. i heart acoustic songs.

people and things change a lot, yes? but a lot of things do stay the same. i talked to someone today that i haven't talked to since...eighth grade. he's still the same. funny. infatuated with my mom. it's pretty cool. i had sweets after school. so much for learning that dance on saturday, b.c i think we are going to be changing a lot of it. well, not changing, but moving stuff around and making it more flowy. i like flowy. it's good. didn't see him today. i don't know what happened. you know those days when you have an overall good feeling about yourself...self-esteem high...feel great. well i had one of those days and i tend to talk to people better when i am comfortable in my own skin. so i thought it would have been REALLY nice to see him today. but obviously things worked out differently for some reason. i don't know. i kinda have bangs. they are on the side. i like it. but i realized today just how many people have their hair like that. oh well...it looks good on me. i think. overall...change is good, normally.

halloween was fun. took the boys around. joey loves getting candy. and eating his suckers. i stayed after school for a meeting about the musical. apparently i was picked for the dance ensemble b.c i have good dancing skills. HAHA!! i laughed out loud when i found that out. i can't dance. i'm white. anywho...he was there and he will be at all of them b.c he is in it too. i guess we will have to see what happens. tonight jessica and i went to party city and had to tell everyone about tommy. i am done with that story. he mumbles. what a pimp. i stay after tomorrow for a read through. and then thursday and friday are half days. on thursday jessica and katie o. and i are going to go out to lunch. i should be fun! and then i am going to work at my mama's fileing stuff. fun fun. "i can't stand another day without you. but i have to walk away infatuation's got me going crazy..." "there is..."

this weekend was fun. yesterday was showchoir from 9-12. and then lindsay picked me up and we went to el rodeo and to ashley's house and my house and then wendy's and then her house and we watched harold and kumar go to white caste. it was funny. and that's about it. but it was a long day. jessica didn't get to hang out with us. it sucked. today i don't have anything excited planned. i really need to start working on my english essay that i think is due on thursday. and then on my chemistry project, which i don't know when it is due. i think i am going to do that right now! well friday i was going to ask him what he was doing this weekend and possibly give him my number, but when i tried, i about puked in my locker. i mean it. i tasted it in my mouth. ewww...and i didn't do it. so pretty much i suck and i am a wuss. moral to the story: shy people suck.

today was a half day. i went out to eat with katie o. and jessica. we went to super NEW china buffet. everyone that was there was from LN. almost everyone. and some mexicans. and then a couple other LC kids. it was pretty funny. and of course, we had to go to party city and then marsh (to buy jones) and then i worked for three hours, getting paid minimum wage, which isn't very cool, but money is money. tomorrow is a half day too. i am going to go out to eat with my mom and then back to work. then i might drive to morristown to pick up bedty hopefully. i need the drive time. speaking or, i am going to het my license soon. 14 days exactly. i am excited. tomorrow. we'll see. goodnight. **14 DAYS**

the light in the computer room is so freakin bright! bethany, jessie, and nikki are still in florida. they won't be back until tomorrow night or so. tomorrow is halloween! we are going to take the boys around the neighborhood and then we are going to grandmas house to see everyone else and go trick-or-treating around there. the boys are going to be loaded and i am going to get to eat a lot of it! that makes me happy. well i think i have officially decided that i am pretty lame. everythings the same. i don't meet new people. everythings routine. i don't know. i am lame. i found out that i am part of the dance ensemble in the musical. i am not exactly sure what that means yet, but i will find out on tuesday. i am going to be pretty busy the next month or so. crazy busy. ok i am sleepy. goodnight.

i came to school today. i am actually at school right now. got my report card. my GPA is 3.429. all A's and B's. i am happy about them. after school, jessica and liz are going to go to the choir room to see if i got a part in the musical. i hope so. tomorrow starts fall break. bethany, jessie, and nikki are going to florida i think. i am not sure though b.c i don't think florida has any power. well some of it does. i don't know where they are going. jessica has to work and baby-sit so i don't think i will be able to see her. and i am going to my dad's house. tomorrow i might go to school with my step-mom. she teaches 2 & 3 grade. it would be fun. then on saturday i get to help with this kids party. it will be fun. i feel sickly. i ate some lunch. no cheese. nothing fried. and some sprite. but i want to go home. and lay down. ok. i have algebra 2 and music theory homework to do...

ok. this is gross, but i just puked and it felt great! jimmie and the boys are all sick. and apparently bedty too. so i guess i just felt left out. today i stayed after school and tried out for the musical. we are doing "the wizard of oz". i guess i did ok. i am not trying out for some major part or anything, just like a munchkin or something like that. i had to sing in front of him. man i was nervous. but people say i did well. i think i am going to go to bed before i start feeling sick again.

you know when it gets cold, it's like the second time you say goodbye to summer. b.c when you go back to school, you leave summer behind. and then when it get's cold, you leave it again. actually! the summer leaves you the second time. joey is sick. he's got a fever of 101.5. and he's so little. it's his ears. he's got double ear infections. doctor trip tomorrow. bedty's going to a homeless shelter. not out of the goodness of her heart, but b.c she wants extra credit...heheheh. sorry jess! i couldn't make it to party city. and sorry travis. this is my public appology to both of you. i will try to make it some other night. i promise. i think i am going to go and watch the simple plan hard rock live dvd. it shall be awesome.

ok. he's not my boyfriend. even though i would like it, he isn't. so everyone stop. ok got that off my mind. this weekend seems eventful. but calm. except joe's party. that ought to be awesome. i can't wait! uhh...last night jessica and i went to party city, the mall, best buy, and walmart and all i got was two buttons. one fall out boy for me and another one for a special someone! well there's a concert saturday? i don't know...i am talking to jessie. it's only $5.00 whatever it is...seems like a deal. so i wonder if he will be there tomorrow. or maybe he is going to stop coming to my locker b.c i am a loser and he hates me. that would suck. bye...gotta check my email.

half days are the best. they make me happy. jessica is going to come over and we are going to watch "riding in vans with boys". i can't wait. i haven't watched that one in a while. and then we are going to party city of course to buy some more necessities. (i think we actually have a reason this time). all of this is happening b.c i don't have to go to my dad's. woot. i was kidding jessie about what i wrote on bethany's comments. i heart you. and i don't really think you are a whore. i was just kidding. ok had to clear that up...hehehhe well i have to leave to catch the bus in 5 minutes and i haven't brushed my teeth yet...

how do you expect me to answer that question if i cannot comment on your journal?

"stood on my roof and tried to see you, forgetting about me..." well i hate group projects...they suck ass. never again! i had to do all the crap my partner was suppose to do. so i got really angry and starting throwing stuff and hitting walls. i hit the stair banister with my hand and a few seconds later, my hand started tingling and i looked and it was red and my awesome 0.50 cent ring was broken (NOT FIDY CENT). i haven't taken this thing off since july and now it's broken. i will have to find another one. ok so i have anger problems. it's not like i have killed anybody. i feel like a horrible friend. jessica wasn't at school friday and i didn't even call her this weekend. what kinda person am i? damn i hate me sometimes. tomorrows a maroon day. i wonder what it has in store...***happy place*** i love my happy place. ok gonna walk away from the computer now...

you know, i could talk about all the bad crap that happened tonight, but that's not what's on my mind. instead i will say a few things about the one i infatuate about 24/7. i talked to him tonight. it was awesome. i am finally getting more relaxed around him. so what if i say something stupid? what's he going to do? he really is nice. he always seems to make my days better, even if he does make me tardy to class. what more could i ask for? ok so there is a lot i could ask for. more or this, more of that...but i am not going to complain. i am just going to have to live this day by day and see what happens. **"saturday, when these open doors were open-ended."**fall out boy** that's my theme song. live your life without regrets. if i sit here and keep having this pity party about how i don't think he likes me, i will hate myself later. life is here to have fun with, party a little bit. take my words for what they're worth to you...