I've been so happy lately. & I've been hanging out with alot of my friends & I just finally feel like I'm a teenager & I get to live a carefree life with out being so sad all the time. I do miss her though [you know you are] & although my life is changing I want her to be my constant. I'm just so happy. I never thought I'd say it, but I really do love my life.
::sigh::
I am still happy.
it's just that..
nothing ever seems to go my way.
Just once I wish that I could get what I want. I've waited patiently while everyone around me has had their turn. How come I keep getting skipped.
What the fuck did I do for this, or lack there of.
waiting for me to turn into we
holding my breath
clutching my sheets
I bury my head into my pillow
no one can hear me scream
louder & longer this time
you are so beautiful to me
[♥]
Rib cages protect this heart from nothing
So I choose to run away from love.
Odd feelings.
I don't know if it's just the fact that I spend 3 days with people with out a moment of alone time & than I go straight to 4 days of utter loneliness, but I feel odd.
No one calls. No one invites me anywhere.
I always have to initiate plans. I feel like the hugest tag-a-long ever.
Why do you not include me in your life if it is during the week when I am not with you? Do you really think that it doesn't faze me?
OH how incredibly wrong you are.
Please, won't someone let
me feel like I mean
something to you.
Even that is too much to ask for these days
They don’t even notice my attempts to squeeze into there lives, they come off as if they could care less about what I feel.
Ah yes. In 4 more days I can start another year of my life. Let’s hope this one is filled with promise.
Best boy friend & I have hooked up an additional 2 times now.
But. He. Refuses. To. Kiss. me.
during the hookup ;
he is touchy & intimate
after the hook up ;
he rolls over for sleep
That is not right & I know it.
I know we are not together... but we are friends...
& than I felt really uncomfortable
When he talked about our hook-up to my
friends. Let’s just say that I
thought something happened
that didn't & seeing
that they decided
to talk about it
[After I went home]
Now I look like and idiot.
I know I'm being foolish.
You: no one could ever fill the space you occupy.
You: You could never be replaced.
Me: you are wrong..
I was right.
/ 3
[broken]
Slowly, but surely... You're letting me go.
LIFE is a series of choices.
& I doubt mine daily.
directions:
close eyes / picture a place / picture the people
/feel it / feel it / feel it.
I can feel it now. I can smile now. I'm in it now.
open your eyes. & it's all gone.
I close my eyes so I can picture everything I've ever wanted.
oh well, it's nice to dream.
Last night was disgusting.
drinking + sadness + confessions = fuckkk
Not only did I get drunk when
I've been bottling up hidden emotions
from my friends for awhile now.
I also decided that; it seemed like
a good time to confess to one of
my great boy best friends,
that there are feelings there.
Big Mistake.
Get to the point...
Outcomes;
1. boy best friend doesn't want to hurt the friendship. [Of course]
2. girl best friend wants to dump boyfriend, because she thinks she has to make a decision between the two. [She doesn't]
3. I have a new little wound to hide from mom due to a nifty little razor.
let’s complicate things...
tonight, while lying in bed, boy best friend kissed Me.
mixed signals much?!
Nope. It’s obvious to me. I’m screwed.
Note to Self:
You are not going
to like this, but here goes.
Everyone around you is pairing up & you are embarking on a journey of lonliness. It does have a nice ring to it.
- sarcasm... of course.
I have so many great friends & for that I'm blessed. & although these friends of mine are so great.. they are so limited, but at least I can say that they are real.
But...
Now it seems that all of them are getting boyfriends & girlfriends which leaves you alone. You don't have a special anyone which is pathetic by it's self, but now you don't even have any one to share the lonliness with.
It's like you can be
really lonely & still be
capable of sharing that
with someone else..
or
You can be lonely
& share it truely
by yourself.
I fucking hate you.
askdjahsh///
You disgust me.
Mr. Best Friend & Miss. Best Friend.
Amazement, the way I feel with them in my life. I don't even know what I would do with out them.
Possibly I would die.
.
I just can't help, but feel
euphoric for my gains. Undescribable
the amount of security felt
when around these two people.
Such eminent people.
They are so real.
I love you mister and miss so much, I hope a day without you never exsists.
[sigh]
thank you for being you.
So Cliche.
My [heart] is placed at the end of the street with a 'FREE' sign taped oh so delicately across it. Everyone drives by, but no one will stop. It's not appealing enough.
-This is pretty much the best analogy to describe my ever dying efforts towards boys-
Seriously, I'm fucking over it.
I don't want anything to do
with such malice
boys.
For each boy that hurts me in some way a tear
of blood weeps from this heart. And on days
like this, I clasp this drained heart,
and pray for the one to resuscitate
yours dear and truly.
[♥]
I hate you for making me feel like just another girl. Making me feel so unimportant... so worthless. I am not a girl with emotions and thought, I am just a girl that you can add to a unwritten list. A list in which you keep the girls names who you have broken down and stole from them what little dignity they might of had.
I hate how with you I can be so up but the fall is so much deeper. Is it even worth it. I don't think so.. but if I don't think so then..
why am i still wanting you like this. I so hate you
One of the worst feelings to experience.Ever. I hate it when I feel this way, but I hate even more how I feel as if it is so unpreventable and uncontrolable. Not to sound like a control freak but, having things out of your hands can sometimes get really frusterating. Fast.
Sometimes when i'm alone I feel like I can fight it best.Other times I feel like that when I am alone, is when it may take over because of my vulnerablity.It being jealousy. Thus creating the problem of whether or not to be alone and see which one will rise from the occassion.
sigh
Being dramatic is oh so much fun don't you agree?