well, school has started and theres really not a whole lot to say so im out

i have decided that high school sports are nothing more than political bullshit have a nice day edit... you know what guys you are right you have an awesome team, i just wish i was good enough to play with you. i love the game...you just dont get to see how much... and just so you know the political bullshit stuff has nothing to do with me not making the team...it has everything to do with so much money spent on so few people, i think that school athletics has forgotten what the true meaning of sports is, the developement, the sportsmanship and just that the game is meant to be fun, not a way to make people seem better than everyone around them...just so you know, i wasnt meaning to put you guys down. i just wish everyone who wanted to could have the chance to play.

well today was the first day of volleyball try outs and it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be...and i think thats about all i have to say... umm...oh ya nichole is home!! yeah!! i am so freaking excited! i love that girl to death!! yeah so thats all lauren

well i guess that the baseball team aren't the only people who have heard that i had sex with brock...and now i dont know who to believe about all of this....he says he never said anything which he shouldnt have because its not true...but he lied to me aobut so much other crap that i dont know if i should believe him or not... for all of you who have heard this bullshit about me having sex with brock...its not true but you can go ahead and believe what ever you want because i dont give a shit anymore...im not all about image

last night megan and emly came over and we had paige, altic, jareb, vinnie and wes come swim with us until about midnight then we went upstairs and talked with kaylas friends for a little while then emily fell asleep and me and megan talked until like 4 in the morning. thats about all edit: megan had a volleyball tournement the next day and couldnt get to sleep because she drank coffee with me at like 2

today is jillians birthday

well lets see...the other night i went over to megans and we hung out with andrew and freddie. mainly andrew cause freddie was upstairs talking to alyssa and i think caleb most of the time. megan and andrew are soo cute..i think they should get together. what else i had the league championship at TSA today...well i guess it was technically yesterday but ohh well. my relay team placed 2nd in our medly and 4th in our free but only because we were swimming against the boys...we beat all the girls teams in both...in my individual events i got 2nd in my 100 fly by half a second and 1st in both my 100 breast and my 100 IM by more than a second on each...scott (a guy who swims for WV) thought my IM was pretty cool he was yelling "now thats what im talking about!" over and over even though he swam it like 3 or 4 seconds faster. over all it was a pretty good meet. i love that pool but if you dont swim then you wouldnt understand what im talking about... thats all i can think of right now so...

today is kaylas birthday

Basics [x] Your gender:: female [x] Straight/Gay/Bi:: Straight [x] Single?: yep [x] If not, do you want to be?: [x] Eye color:: blue/gray [x] Happy with it?: yep [x] Hair color:: brunette [x] Happy with it?: absolutly [x] Obsessions?: lots of them... [x] Have a favorite quote?: once again, lots of them Deep Thoughts [x] Do you live in the moment?: most of the time [x] Do you have any secrets?: sure do [x] Do you hate yourself?: ... [x] Do you like your handwriting?: yeah i guess [x] Do you have any bad habits?:biting my nails [x] What is the compliment you get from most people?: "i like youre eyes/hair" [x] If a movie was made about your life what would it be called?:? i have no idea [x] Can you sing?:of course [x] Are you a daredevil?: sometimes [x] What is your greatest strength?: i guess that most people can talk to me about anything and know ill listen and try to help [x] If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: that little flab of fat on my stomach that everyone has but hates [x] Do you think you are emotionally strong?: umm... [x] Is there anything you regret doing in life: not that i can think of [x] Do you think life has been good so far?: sure has [x] What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: you cant trust everyone [x] What do you like the most about your body?: my hair [x] Do you think you are good looking?: when i feel like looking good [x] Are you confident?: yes Do You... [x] Smoke?: No [x] Do drugs?: Nope [x] Pray?: sometimes [x] Talk to strangers who IM you?: depends [x] Sleep with stuffed animals?: a wolly mamothe [x] Take walks in the rain?: yes, i love the rain [x] Talk to people even though you hate them?: that depends on how much i hate them, but most of the time [x] Drive?: sure do [x] Like to drive fast?: i love it Would or Have You Ever? [x] Liked your voice?: yes [x] Hurt yourself?: nope [x] Been out of the country?: nope [x] Eaten something that made other people sick?: of course [x] Been in love?: yeah... [x] Done drugs?: never [x] Gone skinny dipping?: nope [x] Had a medical emergency?: sure have [x] Had surgery?: like 6 or 7 [x] Ran away from home?: never [x] Played strip poker?: never [x] Gotten beaten up?: No [x] Thought about suicide?: who hasnt? [x] Pulled an all nighter?: again, who hasnt? [x] Talked on the phone all night?:yes [x] Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: yeah [x] Slept all day?: yes [x] Killed someone?: of course [x] Had sex with a stranger?: no [x] Thought you're going crazy?: all the time [x] Kissed the same sex?: yes, on the cheek [x] Been betrayed?: sadly, yes [x] Had a dream that came true?: not yet [x] Broken the law?: once or twice [x] Met a famous person?:a couple Beliefs [x] Believe in life on other planets?: yeah [x] Miracles?: yes [x] Astrology?: no [x] Magic?: no [x] God/Satan: yes [x] Ghosts?: spirits, not ghosts [x] Luck?: sometimes [x] Love at first sight?: ill get back to that one [x] Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yes [x] Witches?: nope [x] Easter bunny?: used to [x] Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: with all my heart [x] Believe there’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: who doesnt? [x] Do you wish on stars?: occasionally Friends [x] Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: im not sure [x] Pick 8 friends…only use them in your answers: Nichole Megan Mallorie Emily Ketchup Marissa Chelsea Katie [x] Who is your best friend?: theres a few [x] Who's the one person that knows most about you?: brock, but hes not in that list so probably megan or nichole [x] What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: "go for it and if it doesnt work out the way you want it to, at least you know where you stand"-megan [x] Your favorite inside joke?: there are alot of them [x] Thing you're picked on most about?: blonde moments and how i just blurt out whatevers on my mind [x] Who's your longest know friend?:mallorie/marissa [x] Newest?: Nichole [x] Shyest?: ketchup [x] Funniest?: mallorie [x] Sweetest?: Chelsea [x] Closest?: marissa nichole ormegan [x] Weirdest?: ketchum [x] Smartest?: Ketchum [x] Ditziest?: mallorie [x] Last person you talked to online?: Emily [x] Who do you talk to most online?: megan or ketchum [x] Who are you on the phone with most?: megan or nichole [x] Who do you trust most?:ketchum, nichole, megan, marissa, chelsea [x] Who listens to your problems?: megan and nichole [x] Who do you fight most with?: none of them for the most part [x] Who's the nicest?: mallorie [x] Who's the best singer?: megan [x] Who's your second family?: ohh wow...i dont know probably megan's or nichole's or maybe even ketchum's well there you go...

well today me and emily hung out all day in the pool and made cookies (we sorta ate the dough though instead) and then we called jareb and vinnie and we all went out to jarebs and swam some more and had alot of fun beating eachother up. tthats pretty much all that happened i dont really feel like going into much detail cause its one in the morning and im tired so im gonna go

A]rea Code- 66067 [B]est Band- Green Day [C]olor of Choice- Blue [D]umbest Thing You've ever said - This is a candle... [E]ight Friends- Megan, Nichole, Mallorie, Ashley, Marissa, Kelsey, Taylor, Ketchum [F]irst Letter of Your Name- L [G]reatest Movie- dont know [H]orrible CD- There are alot of them out there. [I]llegal Thing You Have Done or Witnessed- hmm maybe smoking pot outside the school [J]ello Flavor You Like- Cherry [K]isses You Have Gotten- umm alot? [L]unch That You Eat During Schooltime- Ones from home most the time [M]oney You Have Right Now- alot [N]ine Foods You Like- Taco Bell, Movie popcorn with lots of BUTTER , Ice Cream, Plums, Squash, Dairy Queen, Lasanga,Peaches, Nachos [O]verall Thought Of Yourself- pretty much gay [P]athetic Pickup Line You Used/Someone Used on You- "if you ever wanna hook up, give me lemonade"...wonder who said that one? [Q]uickest Mile You Have Done-... [R]eally Big Accomplishment- umm.. [S]omeone Special- Megan Keaton...duh:-/ (mallorie Mendell..shh, dont tell megan) [T]alk You Will Never Forget - that one that one day [U]gly Thing(person, thing, place)- megan, since she decided to put me [V]ery Important Possession- My kitty.. [W]hat You Last Ate- donut stick [X]treme Thing You Have Done-jumped off a 30 foot telephone pole [Y]our Favorite Thing To Do- umm hanging out and sports [Z]odiac Sign- Libra..i think ya...

well we just got back from wyoming for my dads conference/family vacation...ohh it was great. well the last hotel we stayed at was a one star and it was horrible. the room hadnt been updated since like the seventies and our toilet, if you put more than like 3 sheets of toilet paper down it, it would get clogged. the beds were broken and slanted one direction and the sheets and comforters had stains. and the pool was outdoors. yellowstone was alright, we saw a whole bunch of buffalo and bears and goats and deer and elk and then there was old faithful and stuff like that. then we went to the tetons and that was pretty cool just cause the mountains were absolutely beautiful. we were there on a stormy day so the clouds were wrapped around the snowy mountain peaks...it was so awesome. on our way home we ran into a storm and it hailed on us like four times and so my mom was like crying cause her car was getting dinged up, so we camped out under a couple overpasses for like 30 minutes each. that was exciting. i guess lightning struck the field right behind our house right before we got home, thats what out neighbor tells us. well thats all i got for right now. its been boring for the most part but ohh well

umm well, i guess luke and brock told someone yesterday that they werent going to go to weightl ifting at 7:45 anymore because i was there yesterday and because supposedly im stalking him, brock. and then brock really didnt show up..i was kinda like, wow lets be mature. but you know he has to boost his ego somehow.

I'm done...I don't care enough anymore and it's just not worth it. i have to start taking care of myself and quit worrying about everybody else. im not gonna like become a concieted little bitch or anything, im just gonna start doing things for myself more often and quit caring what others think about it.

well, someone called me from lukes phone yesterday pretending to be brock. it was cute, and luke is denying any involvement. umm lance apologized for the whole brock thing so i guess things are good. he said he was doing it more to give brock shit than me. i dont really think he is an asshole, so if i told you that he was, im sorry. i was just a little pissed off. umm today i went to one of the legion games because jordan thinks i should keep going even though i keep getting shit when i do. then i cleaned the bathrooms and dusted after taking a 5 hour nap. yeah, i know, interesting day. i guess i should tell you the whole story....well last week, after brock said we could still talk, i called him and was like "i want to talk and im not obsessed and im not looking for a relationship or anything right now i just want to talk without one of us getting angry with the other and i dont want you to feel like you have to and ill get it if you dont want to so if you want to talk call me back." and he never called back, and i was cool with that. but somehow, lance got ahold of brocks phone and heard the message and decided to call me saying that he was brock and wanted to talk. i wasnt sure it was brock so i was a little guarded and so lance was like "how bout you call me tomorrow" so the next day i called brock back and left a voicemail saying that i wanted to talk about last night. he never called me back so i talked to him over aol and found out he supposedly knew nothing about the phone call, but he jumped on me anyways cause supposedly i dont get that we are over and im being "sneaky" trying to find stuff out about him behind his back from his sister...whatever i never said most of the things he says i did but of course hes not going to believe me. also while i was talking to brock, i jumped on luke about the call because someone told me that they thought it was luke. obviously it wasnt. anyways, the next night, i go to the legion games and michael decides hes going to say something about me in the dougout really loud, so i was kinda like alright lets be mature. this really pissed me off. so megan went to ask lance why this was all happening and he said it was meant as a joke and he didnt know i was gonna take it that way. then i was walking with megan and jordan and luke was behind us and he goes "*cough* stalker *cough*" it was really something you would expect a senior in high school to do right? well then jordan decided to say something and so i jumped on him and he about wet himself. then yesterday, i get this call from someone on luke's phone...and you know the rest. you know it cool now, i dont even care anymore i just dont get why people keep saying stuff and they cant just leave me alone. Lance said it was they were trying more to give brock shit than me but then why is it that brock probably doesnt know that they are still talking to me? ohh well. ohh and im grounded for some reason that isnt quite clear to mean because i havent been grounded since like fifth grade but what ever, so i dont have my phone and it really sucks cause i cant talk to anyone

well, last night i decided that i just dont care anymore and im not even gonna try. i do care, but i cant keep doing this to myself because, obviously, its not making any difference, so im just giving up.

well, friday we had S2S games and we won both matches...then mallorie and megan came over (i love them both) and we made lemon bars and played monopoly. i won of course...mallorie really sucks at that game. then on saturday me and the family went to wichita for my cousins bridal shower...it was fun i guess, not really my thing. then we went back to my cousins house and watched some movies. today we were supposed to go to the lake with my cousins but it was cold rained all day. Nichole is staying with me this week (i love her too) cause we have volleyball camp. and thats about all i have to say...

Why can't anything go the way I want it to? I don't know, I just don't understand...

today has been quite uneventful...i babysat then went to swim practice and now i have volleyball in like an hour. megan wanted me to go to the legion games with her in garnette but i have volleyball tonight and i cant miss. my knee is killing me and really pissing me off...its so frustrating. well thats about it..

I'm so confused and I don't really know what I want right now...actually I know exactly what I want...and I can't really explain what I am doing other than that I am trying to find comfort in places that I don't really want to get it from because I just want to feel that again. And I can't have what I really want right now because I'm not sure if what I want is even possible for me to obtain at this point in time. Megn tells me to go for it and if it doesn't work out at least you know...