and now the broken promises begin.. it may be small. but they'll get bigger. i'm sure of it. can i do this? will it get better? how is it fair for me to make all of these sacrifices while he gets to do whatever he wants. how is it fair that i'm so unhappy but he's never been happier? is that it's supposed to work? i thought we were both supposed to be happy...

why does every girl dream of a fairytale romance? like the ones in all the movies. can we blame it on those dumb disney princesses? always finding their prince charming. beautiful when they've just gotten out of bed. stupid movies. getting every little girl's hopes up. only to be disappointed when they get heart broken. over and over again. stupid little girls. believing everything they've been told. pity the little girls. one day they'll get a smack in the face. they'll realize there's never going to be a fairytale ending. just a lifetime of impossible dreams. stupid princesses.

i don't understand the point of coming back and saying sorry if you're just going to leave again. there's no point in telling someone forever if you're not going to mean it. don't blame it all on me. i don't blame it all on you. i know that i'm not perfect. i'm not exactly what you wanted. but really i never had a fair chance to be what you wanted. you told me yourself that i was different. you were different. you want crazy. i'm crazier than before. you want to party. i party more. i'm sorry that i have priorities. i'm sorry that i'm focused and making an effort to put my life back together. i'm trying to keep my heart in one piece. you make it difficult. i gave it all to you. and you threw it back in my face like it was nothing. like i was nothing. like nothing that we had was ever real. it never meant a thing to you. maybe if you make someone fall in love with you and give it up, then it won't be so hard for you to just get ass wherever and whenever you want it. you're not that guy. you're better than that. you had dreams. you had plans. but some shiny new toy comes along and you drop everything. twice. and both times i was something you dropped. you'll blame it on me. because i ended things. but i know when i'm not wanted. you have changed, but i still know you well enough to know when you're not interested. you never wanted me back. you like the idea of me. you just wanted someone to have around until you found something better. but of course you didn't have the balls to admit it to me. it's easier to just stop talking to me. right? you'll tell me i'm wrong. and you'll turn it all around and try to make it look like my fault. is it my fault that i told you those were bad people and you wouldn't listen to me? didn't they screw you over? is it my fault that you fell for that whore's stupid tricks? is it my fault that you wouldn't and won't have anything to do with me? the only thing i'm guilty of is loving you. with all my heart. it's a good thing i no longer believe in love. or forever. it's a good thing i don't trust anyone so there's no chance of me being hurt anymore. not by you. or anyone else. it's a good thing you're twelve hours away. i never have to see your face again. because i know you don't care to see mine. but lucky for you i still believe in keeping my word. i promised 'friends no matter what'. i promised that nothing could ever make me hate you. i promised that i would always love you. i don't make promises i can't keep.

"yes i do dream of all we had together yes it's true we lost it all forever do i pray anyway yes i do" "there it was at the tip of fingers there it was at the tip of my tongue there you were and i had never been that far there it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms and i let it all slip away what do i do now that you're gone no back up plan no second chance and no one else to blame all i can hear in the silence that remains are the words i couldn't say" i just don't understand why i still feel this way. after everything he's done. i should hate his guts.

fuckmylife :'[

i spoke to him again. i thought i would be okay. but i found myself wanting nothing but to talk to him. i found myself wanting to say 'i still love you'. i realized the jealousy i had towards her. i realized how angry i was with him. and then i realized that i'm never gonna get rid of these feelings. and then, he did it again. went to visit her and she found out we had been talking. i get a text from his phone saying "this is mikes gf" and something about not talking to him anymore. i realized that he will never be a true friend to me because he did stop talking to me. even though he said before that he didn't care if she got mad. this was august. now it's the first day of october. we talked yesterday. she broke up with him. apparently for someone else. and he's hurting. i still don't think he'll ever understand how i've been feeling the past six months. he doesn't have to do it on his own. i'm still here for him. he has his mom, and kyle. but i had no one. because i thought that he was all i was ever going to need. i burnt bridges and almost ruined life long friendships. i lost all confidence i had in myself and wanted nothing more than to fall asleep and never wake up again. i wanted cuts up and down both my arms and i wanted to bleed until there was no more blood to be bled. i wanted to take every pill i could find and lock myself in my room so no one could get to me. i wanted to lay down in the tub and let the water rise above my head and not bother to struggle for air. i wanted the waves in the ocean to take me under and never let me reach the surface again. i just wanted the pain in my chest to go away. i wanted to feel my heart beat the way it did when i was with him. i wanted to feel his hand in mine. his lips against my skin. the warmth of this body. my blanket. my only comfort. i wanted him to wipe away my tears and tell me that everything was going to be okay. i just wanted him to be next to me. i wanted him to love me, to want me, to remember me. but he wouldn't. because he loved her, he wanted her, and he forgot me and everything that we once had. i never told him i wanted to be with him forever. would that have changed anything? would that have made him realize what he was doing to me? what he was doing to himself. now he realizes that she doesn't care. but will he ever realize how much i do care? not if i can't make myself even be nice to him.. being nice to him makes me vulnerable again. being nice to him lets him get too close to my heart. and all he's going to do is break it again. he doesn't want me. he wants her. i just don't understand why he can move on and i can't. i have a boyfriend. he's great. and it's wrong. it's unfair. i care for david. but i have nothing left to give him. michael took it all. stole it. and won't let me have it back. and i need it back. so that i can keep it locked away behind the brick wall i've so carefully built back up. the one that michael tore down. but now with extra security. so that no one else will ever get through those walls. so that i will never have to feel this kind of pain again...

i'm never gonna speak to him again. i'm never gonna get to hold him again. or kiss him. or just be with him. and i can't stand it. it doesn't matter what i do or who i'm with, my mind always goes back to him. is it because he was my "first love"? is it just that chemical that is released in your brain when a girl has sex? is it just because i haven't found anyone else? or is it because i lost my best friend? is it because i'm lonely? i know i'll never be able to trust him again. he hurt me so bad... and he doesn't even care... he promised 'friends no matter what'. and he went to the trouble of deleting me off myspace... fucking myspace. really? i feel so alone... my friends just aren't enough anymore... to know what it feels like to have someone... and then lose it all. to someone else.. to someone who could never love him the way i did. to someone who can never share with him the things that i shared with him. the someone who will never know him like i did... why can't i just get the hell over it? he sure has... i'm such a stupid girl. fuck.

i don't even know what to think about life anymore... six months ago i was head over heels in love.. and now he's engaged to another a girl. and girl he's known for about four months now. supposedly. the girl he took to MY senior prom even though neither one of them go to my school. he won't talk to me. at all. he even took the time to delete me from his friends list on goddamn myspace. really? i never told him.. but i thought he was the one. i thought i was never gonna be with anyone else. i only wanted him. nothing else mattered. i was willing to give up absolutely everything just to be with him. he told me he was in love with me. but when you're in love with someone.. how can you be talking to and falling for someone else within a week after a break up? how can you move in with that someone else three weeks after the break up? how are you ENGAGED only THREE MONTHS after a break up with someone you were supposedly in love with????? why is it that HE'S completely over it and could care less if he ever heard from me ever again and i just can't get myself to move on?? sure, i've been talking to other guys. hanging out. real casual. and i'm leaving for college in just a few weeks. but how is he so over it?? if he ever really cared the way he said he did wouldn't he at least want to comfort me? why would he not even talk to me when i called him crying? why won't he sit down and just explain to me why he wouldn't take me back (i broke up with him). why would he take the promise ring back? "to put it in a box for memories". honestly it's pretty sketchy that a week after he made me give the ring back he was engaged to this girl.. but of course i'll never know the truth about anything. simply because he's a liar. and he doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.. i learned that the hard way. i always thought that loving someone meant accepting the flaws and loving them for who they are. and i did that with him. sure, there were some things i didn't like. but they made him michael. and i learned to love everything. i wanted to love everything. i wanted him forever! and i didn't tell him that. i was afraid it would scare him away. i was afraid he wouldn't feel the same way. if i had told him would that have kept him around? obviously not because he's engaged to someone else now. obviously it's far too late to come clean about anything.. but why am i still so hurt? why do i still cry?? why do i still want him so badly? why do i feel like i need him? why do i still feel like i never wanna be with anyone else ever again? why do i feel like i didn't "fall out of love". personally i believe if you're 'in love' there's not falling out of it.. maybe you think you're in love, and you realize you're not. but you don't 'fall out' of true love. no way. and yea, i'm only almost 18. i'm young. and he's only a year older. we're both so young. and i know it's rare to find your 'soul mate' at such a young age. why does the world have to mess with our heads? why do you have to go through all the wrong answers to find the right one? 'because it makes it that much better in the end'. well all of this HURT all of these TEARS are TERRIFYING! i NEVER want to let any guy anywhere near my heart ever again. because i CAN'T HANDLE THIS pain. and i don't understand it! why am I hurting and HE isn't? why does he get to be happy? the jackass that does drugs and lies to people. he gets to be happy? FUCK. i am not this girl!! i'm not the irresponsible teenager that has sex with someone just because he told her he loved her! i'm not the stupid teenager that thinks she's fallen in love at seventeen! I'M NOT. i KNEW BETTER! why did i let myself believe everything??? why did i let that wall down? and how do i make it all go away so i can just move on with my life?

sometimes he is so selfish. he wants to see me so i can't see my friends. he wants to talk to me so i can't talk to anyone else. he wants to do things that we probably shouldn't do and he makes me feel like i owe it to him. even thought i know i dont. and now i'm thinking there could be a problem. which sucks. because it's my senior year and damnit. i used to tell myself that if you ever thought about breaking up with someone even just once then obviously you should. because if you just think about it then you obviously don't want to be with them. i was lying. i think about breaking up with michael all the time. simply to make life easier. but what if life just got harder.. plus i really do love him. i don't really act like it all the time.. and he deserves to be treated better than what i can treat him. we aren't happy.. well right now we are. but just last week there were two times that we almost broke up. and it fucking sucked. he cried.. and i felt bad that i didn't. but honestly i feel like i'm out of tears. and i don't know what to do to make us both happy. when he's happy i feel suffocated. and when i'm happy we aren't seeing each other enough. is that a bad thing? is it bad that i don't want/have to see him everyday? or does it just mean that i like to have me time. and time with my friends. and just some freaking space. i feel like he has no friends anymore. he never wants to hang out with them. he ignores their calls. he won't make plans with anyone because he doesn't want to be busy if i call and ask him if he wants to hang out. which i rarely ever do. and sometimes i feel like it's driving me insane. but then there are those times that it doesn't. and everything seems perfect. but obviously too perfect because we end up disagreeing about something and arguing about it. the good times never last anymore.. i miss how it used to be. at the beginning. the first real date. the first kiss. haha "i'll give you a firecracker if you give me a kiss." it was new years. awkward.. but cute. lol. the first "date". he took me to california dreaming and then to see the lights at the zoo. that was actually right after christmas. the one month "anniversary". haha. one month just seems so stupid right now that we're going on 10. valentine's day. the first time i ever actually had a "valentine". i begged him not to get me anything. he did anyway.. of course. his 18th birthday. his graduation. the best summer ever. the first guy ever to meet my dad. the first guy to ever meet my grandparents. looking forward to the future. waiting to see what's in store for us. and now that there's not as much to look forward to.. everything's been done. there's nothing left to do in this damn city.

well.. i guess me and michael aren't as good as i was thinking.. i thought i was doing better but he says it's worse. and i'm not even sure what "it" is. he can't explain it. and i barely know what he's talking about. today he says like he's being ignored and taken for granted. and i hate that. because i've been ignoring my friends to spend time with him. and i know it's bad.. but it's because he always makes me feel bad when i make plans with other people. and i could almost understand if it was guys. but it's my girl friends. friends that i've had since before he even knew i existed. since before i can even remember. my best friends. the people i need. the people who have always picked me up whenever i was down. the people who have always been there no matter what. and i've told him that and he says he's gonna work on it. and he's just been soo clingy and suffocating and i've always hated that. it's the biggest turn off for me. and i love him soo much and i'm so afraid of losing him. and this just in.. he feels like i'm unintentionally pushing him away. and what scares me about that is that i've been known to push people away. every guy i've ever dated. and i don't want to lose michael. i don't know what i would do without him. he does so much for me.. maybe i do take him for granted sometimes.. i don't think i do.. i thank him for everything. all the time. and i always do whatever i can for him. he doesn't ever ask for anything.. and i try to have little surprises or something for him but i don't really have money. so i write little notes and send random texts. and then i feel like i'm being too clingy so i kind of stop i guess.. maybe that's what he's talking about.. he has said that he always liked clingy or whatever. and now he's upset. and this time it's probably because i'm typing and not talking to him. but we talk everyday. there's only so much to talk about. and when we text throughout the day it's ever harder to find things to talk about because we've already talked about everything. and.. i don't know anymore. i have absolutely no idea what to do anymore. about anything. i know i love him. there is no doubt it my mind. and i want to be with him. but.. i'm honestly no sure if it's the best thing for either one of us right now. he's in his freshmen year of college and i'm in my senior year of high school. he's stressed out beyong belief because his parents are kicking him out, his car is falling apart, he can't focus in class, he desperately needs a new job, and his stupid girlfriend cant seem to do anything right. and i feel like i might be holding him back. he never hangs out with his friends. and he claims that he doesn't have any but looking at the contacts in his phone and the comments he gets on myspace i don't see how he can't have any friends. and his one best friend just treats him like crap. and i'm his girlfriend and i'm supposed to help make things easier. i'm supposed to make him happy and i'm obviously not doing my job. and this freaking sucks. and all i want to do is go out with my friends and have a good freaking time and not have to worry about what my boyfriend might think about every little thing i do. i have lots of guy friends. but guess who i can't hang out with because my boyfriend is too jealous. these guys are also his friends. and he says he trusts me. but.. honestly i don't know anymore. i just don't fucking know.

well.. senior year. i honestly can't believe it's here already. i'm soo excited. but at the same time i'm terrified. i'm not sure exactly what to think or how to feel. i just know that high school is almost over. and hello college. goodbye easy life. ha. yes i'll be away from this hell they all expect me to call home. hopefully. but i'll also soon be on my own. i guess it had to happen eventually.. i really hate the way my schedule is this year though. i have all of my easy classes first semester. then second sememster i have the hard ones. this semester the only class i need is english. next semester i have AP studio art, PSDM, govrnmnt/econ, and astronomy. the only one i don't need to graduate is the art class. someone please shoot me. fortunately i have this amazing boyfriend who says he's going to help me. and i know he'll be there for me. i love him soo much. i just hope that he knows.. i talked to zach last week. for about an hour. and if you think about it it's really not that long considering we havent spoken in over a year. well.. other than that one time we messaged on myspace. but we didn't really talk, ya know? we kinda caught up. got some things straightened out. he says that he didn't cheat on me with lauryn. but that doesnt mean there wasn't anyone else.. i doubt there was. it was pretty surprising when ashley told me that.. very out of character for zach. i should've just asked him then.. but that was the problem with our relationship. we always talked when we were just friends. but when we started dating we talked about everything except for us. which was a big problem. but in a way i'm glad everything happened the way it did. well.. i could have done without the whole william thing.. definitely could have done without that. lol. but everything turned out fine. except for the occasional calls and texts from william.. hmm.. there's a pattern there. haha. but anyway..

everytime i get something good i screw it up. i screwed up with zach. i've screwed up with my friends so many times i can't count. and i hate it. but now i'm screwing up again. and i hate it. but it's like i can't control it. i messaged zach on myspace the other day. and i know it's stupid. but it's soo hard. i mean.. we were so close for so long. and i trusted him and losing him like that just.. it killed me on the inside. and i think i've done a better job at hiding it than i realized. i didn't know i could ever hurt so bad. and i was reading all of my old messages and i ran across a few from him. the ones from before we were dating. just casual hey how are you. yea we need to hang out again. then the ones where he decided we should get back together.. and then the ones from while we were dating. the "i love you" "but i love you more" "no you don't." "i love you more x infinity x a billion x 1535846843185" and idk.. it made me laugh. just brought back those memories. and without thinking i messaged him. "so i got bored and i was reading old messages and i saw a few that made me laugh. but i just thought i'd say hey and see how you've been." and honestly i didn't think he would reply. i thought he hated me. but he did reply. and of course i felt really bad because i know exactly how i would feel if michael starting talking to his ex. so i told him the next morning. and i told him that if it bothers him i won't talk to zach and that i was sorry. and he said it was fine and that he trusts me. but you know how it is.. he was obviously a little worried. and i don't blame him at all. because i trust him but i'll admit.. it's pretty fxcking sketchy. and then i thought about it some more and the first time we dated he asked me out in may. the second time it was march. and now it's april. and the worst part.. both times that we dated i dumped the guy i was already dating because zach wanted me to date him. and i don't think michael knows that.. but he might. and i feel horrible because it's soo sketchy but i have absolutely no intention of anything happening with zach. nothing more than the occasional message on myspace. if that. so is it bad that i messaged him? my friends told me it was a bad idea. until i explained what i said and they said they would have done the same thing. and i'm still in shock that he actually messaged back. and i'm not gonna lie.. i've thought about what it would be like to have him back in my life. not necessarily as a boyfriend. just him being there for me like he used to be. and he told me that his parents are getting divorced.. and i found out that him and the girl he was dating broke up. and.. god i don't know. why is it so hard to just forget about people? i just feel horrible because michael is the better guy. is the guy that makes me smile. he's the guy that's kept all his promises. he's the guy that i care about. i'm dating michael. zach is the guy that i thought was the better guy. zach is the guy that i thought kept all his promises. zach is the guy that used to make me smile. he's the boy i thought i loved. and i thought he loved me too. but now i know that none of that is true. and i'm glad that i've realized that. because if i hadn't realized that i would hurt michael. and i would lose the better guy. and i don't wanna lose the better guy. because the better guy is the guy i wanna be with. i'm so glad that i'm finally truly happy. i haven't cried over zach in over a month now. and i think i'm really over it this time. that song doesn't make me sad anymore. i can read the messages and laugh, not get upset. and i can talk to him without wondering if anything is going to happen. because i don't want anything to happen. because i have michael. and i'm finally happy.

all these girls that think the only way their ever going to be happy is to find some fairytail kind of amazing guy. and i'm not gonna lie.. i used to be the same way. and you would think that because i have found an amazing guy that i wouldn't still think that way. but it doesn't take a genius to know that that's not what it's all about. who cares if you have a boyfriend? who cares if guys even like you? i know, i know. boys are more fun. so you can't just have guy friends and be happy with that? what about the girls. how do you think your "sisters" feel when you aren't happy because you don't have a guy that can be there for you. they're there for you. aren't they? they care about you, they love you. do they not? i know, it's not the same way a boy could love you.. unless you're a lesbian/bi. but seriously.. having a boyfriend isn't easy. but being single.. you have the freedom to flirt with whoever you want, hug whoever you want, hang out with anyone you want to. and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. and maybe your parents. but when you have a boyfriend that flirting and hugging has to come to a stop. or atleast turned down about fiftybazillion notches. and hanging out with all your guy friends.. well your boyfriend better know the guys. otherwise it's assumed that you're cheating. trust me. been there, hated that. and now my fingers hurt so i'm going to stop typing.....

i've always been the girl that hides her feelings. i can't remember just opening up to someone and telling them exactly how i feel and the one time i tried it didn't end so well. so what good can come from just telling him everything? would it bring us closer? maybe. would it make him open up to me more? possibly. but what if gets really good for a while.. and then it just starts going bad. like every other relationship i've ever attempted to have. won't it just hurt worse when it ends if i've poured out my heart and soul to him? or will it hurt more to know that maybe if i had told him something would have been different? how can i know? i guess there's no way to know what the future holds.. unless you're one of the people who believes in the psychic thing. and i don't.. but even if i did would i honestly want to know what the future holds for me? if i had the chance to look into the future right now.. and i saw something horrible.. obviously i would work hard to keep it from happening. to turn my life around. but what if all that hard work just made the horrible things happen? what if i saw happiness? and what if after seeing that i just stopped worrying about it and my life ended up going bad anyway.. so do i really want to know what the future holds for me? i don't know. seems like lately i don't know anything. i'm not sure of my friends. my boyfriend. my family. myself. i am not 100% sure of anything. i'm not even sure if i'm supposed to be 100% sure of anything.. talk about being confused. i guess when you think about it, it wouldn't make much sense to be 100% sure of everything you do. i guess that's what makes life interesting. never knowing exactly what will happen, when it will happen, and if it'll make you the happiest person alive or just some depressed kid with no idea what to do unable to feel anything but sadness. i hate that feeling. sadness. the feeling that it'll never go away. i'm so lucky. my sadness did go away. and i'll be honest, it comes back. all those things in my past still hurt. but then when i think of the present and what may be in my future it brings the happiness back up. of course there's also that constant fear that the happiness is just going to be torn away from my grip. leaving me submerged in the sadness.the depression depression: mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activity sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy depressive disorder: a state of depression and anhedonia so severe as to require clinical intervention pushing down Depression, or a depressed mood, may in everyday English refer to a state of melancholia, unhappiness or sadness, or to a relatively minor downturn in mood that may last only a few hours or days. This is generally seen as quite distinct from the diagnosis of clinical depression. Depression is the anatomical term of motion for movement in an inferior direction. mental condition marked by ongoing feelings of sadness, despair, loss of energy, and difficulty dealing with normal daily life. ... a lifestyle whose structure prevents growth of the personality. When used to describe a mood, depression refers to what may be normal feelings of sadness, despair, and discouragement. More serious depression may be a symptom of a variety of physical and mental disorders. Not just temporary or situational sadness, but a persistent and pervasive feeling of sadness or hopelessness that is often associated with weight loss (or gain), sleep disturbances, constipation, disturbances of sexual function, and feelings of guilt or self-blame. A mental condition characterized by feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, apathy, fatigue, and pessimism. xa mental disorder marked by altered mood, this may occur daily with the addition of diminished interest or pleasure in most or all activities. Area of low pressure. Depressions often bring Precipitation. A psychiatric disorder characterized by sad mood, loss of pleasure, guilt, disturbed sleep and appetite, and/or self-blame lasting two weeks or more. A state characterized by depressed mood, decreased energy, reduced interest in sex, suppressed appetite, and too much sleep or sleeplessness. A group of diseases including major depressive disorder, dysthymia, and bipolar disorder (manic-depression). See bipolar disorder, dysthymia, and major depressive disorder. a major disorder that can begin at any age. Major depression may be characterized by a depressed mood most of each day, lack of pleasure in most activities, thoughts of suicide, insomnia, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt. A disorder marked by a persistent sad, anxious, or empty mood, and feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that affects eating, sleeping, and activity. Major depression is not the same as the mood swings or feeling blue reported by some perimenopausal women. depression is just an all around depressing word. just reading these definitions made me sad.

i've talked to william.. & apparently we need to be friends again. & i'm not so sure. i mean.. i'm not gonna lie. it's great to talk to him. he was always really easy to talk to and he somehow knows exactly what to say. the only problem is you never know if it's the truth or not. but i yelled at him a little bit yesterday about how bad he screwed up & of course he gave the same old excuses. too bad i don't remember well enough to know if they were slightly different this time. but they were very very similar. & finally i just gave up and said i'm done worrying about it. i mean.. seriously. i can only hold a grudge for so long & i think it's kind of good for me to talk to him. definitely not a lot. nowhere near how it used to be. but atleast we're on speaking terms. that way if i ever do need him he might actually finally be there for me. haha. yea right. but you better bet that i'm not driving my ass out there if he decides one day that he needs me. no sir. i'm staying right here with michael. where i should be. & william knows i'm happy & he told me that he doesn't want to screw anything up for me. now if that's true or not i'm not sure. damnit. i hate not knowing the truth. oh well. i'm over it. i'm done. i've definitely moved on & i've got no intention of going back anywhere near the way it used to be. but he really did help me get my head a little straight. which is surprising. he always has those really lame sayings that he's obviously read somewhere and just remembered it but it always fits the situation. "everything happens for a reason." "everything anyone ever does has a consequence. sometimes they're good, and sometimes they're bad. but there's always going to be a consequence." unfortunately he helps other people but he cant seem to listen to himself. which is sad. but i suppose i'm the same way. people ask me stuff all the time & usually i have something to tell them. but when i'm in a rough spot myself i have to turn to everyone else. & they just give me the same advice i gave them. which is kind of sad.. but at the same time.. well i don't know. lol. oh well. ** i went to the ENT today for my sinus infections. apparently i have a cyst on the right side. nothing bad. just mucus or something. but he says that since i was still kind of sick when i had the CT done that it could be gone by now so i have to go at the end of June to have another CT & if it isn't gone then i might have to do surgery. something about taking down the bones in my sinus cavity. & i'm sure exactly what kind of procedure that is but it definitely doesn't seem like much fun. especially if he has to cut my face :[ i'd honestly rather just keep getting sinus infections. & my sinus infections suck. but he also said that allergies could be causing it so he put me on this nasonex stuff that i have to spray up my nose everyday (i hate spraying stuff up my nose). but he said that when i breathe in bacteria it goes into my sinuses & then the sinuses drain & the bacteria gets killed or whatever. but my sinuses aren't draining so i keep getting sick because the bacteria aren't dying. soo.. that kinda sucks. but i guess life goes on. as long as it isn't some insane cancerous tumor in my head i'm alright. kind of. still kinda sucks. but atleast i'm gonna live. ** i guess me & michael are doing good. nothing to really complain about. & i've honestly never felt like this with anyone before & it's.. i don't even know. i love how i can just be myself around him. no holding back, no worrying if he's going to think i'm incredibly weird. i mean.. i don't even know. it's just finally something different. something that i look forward to. i'm finally freaking happy. & it feels so great to say it. & now i sound all lame. see what he does to me? haha.

so i just typed a really really long entry and it took too long and this bullshit logged me out and it didn't save. so now i'm angry. grrrr

william called. for the third time. the first time he said that we're better off as friends. mmkay william, whatever you say. he wanted me to go to some wrestling tournament at his school. b/c i'm stupid enough to drive out there "just to talk". i don't wanna talk. he had 4 months to talk. why now? he called again Christmas eve. "just wanted to wish you a merry christmas. i got a new car. who are you dating? ... oh so you're doing the same thing you did to zach" i didnt do shit to zach. zach's the one that didn't trust me. zach is the one that gave me the choice. i just made it. then today. 3 o'clock in the morning. "what are you doing?" "nothing william. are you okay?" "no. the girl i was dating just broke up with me over some bullshit. i'm done with girls. after nikki kenzie you and elizabeth. i can't take it anymore. i'm not dating anymore girls." wth. if i could reach him i would've slapped him for saying that. first: don't treat me like shit, wait for me to tell you i'm done, wait a week and tell me you wanna be friends, then call me three weeks later and tell me that you're new g/f just dumped you. i don't fucking care. not my problem. second: i haven't done anything. all i did was care about him. all i did was give him way too many chances. no one deserves that many chances. especially him. ha. and then came "hey." "what william" "i'm sorry for what i did to you." too late for the apologies sweetie. should've apologized 2 months ago and then fixed it. definitely too late now. because i have found an amazing guy that i know is always gonna treat me right. he's not gonna say something and not be able to back it up. and he sure as hell isn't gonna make promises he can't keep. atleast not without a legit excuse. god i could just punch william in the face right now. i have a good mind to call him back and yell at him. but i'm too tired. and i don't wanna waste my energy. and of course my friends get mad at me when he i answer his calls. but i can't help it. i don't think about it. just a habit. i spent so much time worrying about him and waiting to hear his voice to know he didn't go out and do something stupid. and now it's just hard to get out of that. and apparently i'm a just a nice person or something. damnit. i wish i could be like those heartless bitches that don't care. but i guess i've been taught better than that. or maybe i just know how it feels.. but william needs to learn a fucking lesson. and i think i may be the one to teach it to the sorry ass motherfucker.

everything is done. and i'm finally moving on. and i'm so excited for whatever happens next. i just hope it doesn't break me again..

i hate this time of year. classes coming to an end. final projects. then time to review for final exams. absolutely no money and i haven't bought Christmas presents for anyone. not even my mother. and i'm broke. if i buy Christmas presents i won't be able to make my car payment. i hate not getting people stuff. especially family. because they've done so much. and i know i never act thankful. grandparents and parents i can handle. make 'em something and they'll keep it forever. but friends.. i can't possibly show how thankful i am for all of them. they're freaking amazing. idk why they even put up with me. but i'm glad they do. and i feel like photography is completely kicking my ass. my pinhole camera isn't freaking light tight anymore. it was a few days ago. today it wasn't. doesn't make much sense. the many me shoot is probably screwed up because i had to let my brother help and he kept moving the camera. and then i have to worry about the portfolio. of course i can do that over Christmas break. even though i shouldn't because i need a break. but oh well. i think i just need a change of scenery. i should redecorate or something. but that's just something else that i don't have money or time for. damnit. i wish i was still five. i didn't have to worry about this bullshit. it was so easy. boys.. hell "tag you're it" was the best pick up line. you didn't have to worry about them wanting anything but your crayons. and parents just said "aww how cute" not "i don't like him you can't see him." and the drama. omg. i'm gonna kill the next person that tries to drag me into it. i've got enough problems of my own. like trying to figure out this so'n'so deal. he's so amazing. and it's like i'm scared of him. we're so close.. and i don't want anything to change. yes i like him. a lot. but the way i look at it.. it's either gonna end really good or really bad. and i don't see an in between. but i didn't think i would care about anyone again. not this soon anyway. but he's just.. exactly what i've been asking for. and now i have it. right in front of me. layed out on a silver platter. and what do i do? run. because that's what i'm good at. run away from anything that could ever make me happy because eventually it's just gonna break my heart. and that's so horrible. i'll never be happy if i don't freaking stay around to let things get good. but they'll get good and then just go bad. so why waste the time? but he's so.. damn. i don't even know. i haven't written in so long.. and now i can write. of course it's lame. but atleast i'm writing. i'm always with him. i'm always thinking about him. we have all the same friends. never had any kind of argument.. other than i hate you most. but that was definitely a joke. because i definitely wasn't thinking hate when i said that.. uggghhh. why do people worry about stuff that's just so stupid? like.. seriously. if it happens it happens right? don't try to make it happen. just let it happen. and that's exactly what i'm gonna do. just chill. and let it happen.

nyquil is starting to kick in. idk why i even do this.. maybe because i know no one reads it.. and maybe i'm hoping someone will. who knows. it'd be great to have someone to talk to who doesn't know everyone else.. that's exactly what i need right now. i've realized that i'm only truly happy when i'm around certain people. and if i'm talking to those people. one person in particular. i'm always smiling when we're together.. and if i'm not it doesn't last long. and everyone sees it. and it took me a while to see it. maybe i'm afraid of it. maybe i'm avoiding it. not ready. i'm sure i'm just scared. i'm always scared. scared to take risks. make some mistakes. that's how we all learn. but i'm terrified of it. i hate change. it isn't always easy for me to adjust. for me to lose a friend. or boyfriend. never easy to get over it. although i'm doing a lot better with the whole william thing than i thought i would. probably because i was pretty much over him before it was over. because we never talked. i still can't believe he called me pathetic. maybe i am pathetic for letting it go on for so long. maybe he only dated me and treated like complete crap to get rid of me. pretty much sounded like what he wanted. not that i ever did anything for him. like i'm not the one that stayed up on the phone with him everynight for weeks.. ignoring the guy i was dating because he was a "friend" that needed me.. listening to him cry over nikki. no. i was never there. and i haven't heard from him.. of course. i'll probably never speak to him again. maybe that's a good thing. most likely. but that's still another friend.. gone. just like that. so stupid. i hate highschool drama. it's so pointless. a complete waste of time. what am i worrying about? move on. he has. probaby a long time ago. and so i will. hey. i'm single now. for the first time in like.. nine months. time to go out and have some fun right? ha. probably not. because i'm still me. i'm still the quiet one that sits in the back. the one never invited to go anywhere.. and when i am invited mom won't let me. and i just can't lie to her. even though i'm sure she's lied to me quite a few times. oh well. apparently i'm a good kid or something. but i can feel that rebellion iniside of me just waited to break out. and i don't think i want it to. not this close to the end of highschool. a year and a half left and i'm gonna decide to rebel? bad news. very bad. and now that nyquil is reallyyy kicking in. g'night.