i feel like everyhting is going wrong i mean only one thing has gone wrong but it jjst makes everyhting seem horrible. its like ive lost my best friend.well.....i did lose my best friend tempereilly anyways(i cant stop shaking and the tears wont stop running) she had an over dose. adn now shes going to rehab its like all my recent feelings of longing for a high are gone away theyve dissapered.ive always known i dont need drugs but something tells me it will make me feel better. on epart of me right now is saying why did u ever think that but the other says take some right now u can do too u can make all ur pain go away and neve suffer again.like i want to be immune to all pain and i havee no one i can truely talk to about all this i go through. its like all my friends ive been tlking to about my bestfriend (even her friends too) atre justlike wow at least now shell straighten up but dont ppl realize she could have died today.her life was in the hands og god or whatever higher being of any that there is i mean this happening makes me think about everyhting in life. is it really worth it? i mean whats the point of being here if ur jsut gonna be miserable the whole time and go through pain. evryones pain like out lives there joy. wehn u look back on things we never see the light its always the dark in th shawdows that we dont want ne one else ot know about. ut those are the things that make us who we are. that what i believe how u handle ur pain is who u really are. ive always considered my self a happy person and so has everyone else. but like when i look back onmy life or into the futre i mnea at this point so far what have i done to make me wan to saty alive and nothing has ever mademe say wow im glad i was alive for that. but dont worry anyne who may stumble upon this entry it may seem like call out for help but i know that life is a gift in itself no matte how much i hat ie some times i dont have the balls to kill my self plus theres always the chance that youll survive and i dont want to end up a mental case well not one bigger than i already am. but neways im going to soak in my msey as i await for this long weekend that started at 9 am today to end. for i do not want to be home ALONE where the isnt ppl to help me block my pain. because at school no one turely knows how i feel. even my best friends even th one i miss so dearly right now nee knew and never will know how i truely feel.i just put on this act and become the goofy clown who everyone loves but i realixe i sometime do the dumbest things jsut for attetion.im starved for it with out i feel like i dont belong.like no one cares if i am there. ppl always tell me they love me that im awesoem and that im so cool but no one know s the pain i go through. sur i know everyone ha ther problems and lot of ppl dont have ne one to talk to but i still feel like i have the right to grieve all i want. u know it all goes right back to how ive always felt. i feel like i need someone to be completely happy. i should be satisfied by my self but im not. i need someone run to and cry ont there shoulder.ive never had that with a guy and i doubt i ever will. i continually find new faults in my self.things that some ppl hate so much and i do them neways unitnetionally. but i jsut want someone to love me.is rhat so hard to ask.i dont necessarily want "true love". i just want a fake high school were so young and misunderstood thang. is that so complicated i mean theres millions of teenges couples out there that feel like there the only ones who feel that way and they no every last thing about one another and hes not afraid to be sensitive and she isnt worried about wheether or not she s goin to scare him off if she pours her heart out. is ti that complicated?