you're such an asshole sometimes on a brighter note i've been with peter nearly 3 months and i'm very happy and i love him more than words can describe but i like josh. a lot. but i'm still happy and i won't leave peter any time soon. oh and south africa won the rugby world cup :) everything is pretty fine. exept i need £200 in 3 weeks. fuck.

i think im in love

i wanted to make a new diary to make a new start to be able to write about everything that is on my mind but i can't so it looks like im going to have to use this one for the time being how suckish. i thought this song was appropriate for the occasion. so it's been awhile since i actaully wrote down my thoughts i guess im in one of those moods when you feel really..deep? i dunno. whatever. its half way through the summer holidays. im kinda looking forward to going back to school and staring gcse's. i can't believe im nearly 15. i don't feel so young i feel more like a 17 year old. i wish. its unfortunate that i had to take histroy as an option. i hate it. okay, well i dont hate it, but i just dont like it like i used to and my attention span is that of a five year olds. therefore, i do really shit most of the time. i wish i didn't do so shit. well, to me its shit. but sometimes i wish i could be able to pay attention in school like i used to. it just doesnt capture my attention anymore. all i seem to think about these days is what im going to buy when i next go to town or how i want to lose weight or how cute hello kitty is or how i should do my makeup. and guys obviously. people dont really understand how my mind works. neither do i, but im learning. but the whole 'no one understands me' thing is total bullshit. because im sure that theres someone out there who thinks the same way or has had a similar or the same experience. people do understand me. i just havent met those people yet. i hope i do one day. shit, i do speak a load of bollocks. i want to talk to peter; the bastard said he'd call me when he got to weymouth. i think im in love with him. i hope i am. because he's in love with me and i don't wanna not be in love with him because i wanna say 'i love you, too' when he expresses his love for me. its so hard to think about though. i want to love him so bad. give it time, i suppose. you cant just rush into anything too fast really. my mind is so blank all of a sudden. but for some reason, my hands are attatched to this keyboard like theres no tomorrow. i could type and type and type and not stop for ages. i need to stop eventually. but i just dont want to. i wanna say everything RIGHT NOW. i think im trying to be someone im not. but im not entirely sure because maybe im not being me at the moment by being deep. i dunno if that even makes sense? but whatever. i think this whole girly girl thing is to fit in or to try and cover up some sort of identity. i mean, it couldnt possibly be fake, can it? i mean, i purely do like pink, and fluffly things, and hello kitty and hair and makeup and fake nails and false eyelashes. i think deep down, im a dirty, laid back hippy . hahaha, how cool would that be. well, except for the dirty part. no way. i like underwear. i think theyre so good. i want like a million underwear sets hahaha i dunno why. how sexy!?! haha im a weirdo but whatever to be honest. i seem to say whatever a lot, dont i? dear lord. its a good word though. because you can use it whenever, cant you? 'hey, youre a bitch!' 'yeah, whatever.' 'chinese or italian tonight?' 'whatever' haha im bored i'll carry on with this tomorrow i think.

OMG!! I used to such a fucking loser hahaha It's weird how much I've changed over the past 2 years! It's unbelievable, really. I used to be such a depressed little emo that was a tomboy. And now look at me! I'm a girly slag you likes hair extensions and hello kitty and dr martens. And who has to have everything in pink just because. Gooossssh, I'm a weirdo. Infact, just ignore me. Please. HAHAHAHAHA!! Omg, looking through past comments on like myspace, and past entries on here is just weird. I don't ever wanna go back to being so emo! haha

I never want to drink again. Haha. It was so worth it!

This week has been an interisting. Not because I've done anything interisting, but because I've figured out a lot of things. Beth has been avoiding me. I don't blame her, actually. I know I can be annoying. Really annoying. And I know I've been the shittiest friend for the last few months. I really wish I could make everything alright but I know there isn't anything I can do because I doubt there is anything that will make her stop avoiding me. I mean, who am I gonna hang out with next year when the year9's go into year and have a different lunch? Not the people in my classes, in my side of the year, that's for sure. They're a bunch of losers and posers. This really does suck. I've also noticed how most of society judges on appearence which I think is very shallow. For instance, on Myspace, people will only usually add you if you have an amazing profile and an amazing pictures. Pathetic. I'm thinking of deleting my account on there because it's just a waste of time, honestly. Another thing is that I haven't really been myself, the real me, for a long time now. I think it started in September when I started at Bulmershe. I tried so hard to fit in. I tried to be something I'm really not. I think I tried to fit in with Beth more as she was changing. There's something about that girl & I've never been too sure what, exactly. She's not the most amazing person in the world but in a way, I kinda envy her. She's pretty, she has so many friends, she's got a great relationship with her family, a really nice house. Something I want to be and I know it's something I won't ever be. It's just not who I am. This year, I'm gonna try my hardest to be myself. I've been thinking about going back to South Africa a lot. I can't come to a conclusion just yet. It looks like a 55% chance of going back. But if I do, it means giving up so many opportunities that I won't be able to have back in South Afraca. I basically get a head start in life and that's what I really want. God, there's just so much on my mind right now! I can't be fucked to write anymore, though...

It's the last week of school. I've got sports day tomorrow [sigh] and I get to go home at like 11am. Thursday is our last full day and then Friday, over. I'm really happy about that. I hate my school, I really, really do. At least I have my friends. I'm bored.

I've decided that I'm useless at everything and shall just give up now before I fuck more things up. I think it's a good plan :D

got arrested for shop lifting yesturday. i'm such a twat sometimes. infact, all the time. kfjkjhsfkhf yes. on bail at the moment sorta thing. gotta go back in 2 weeks or something for the decision. [it was myself & 3 others...meh]

hm, it's odd but i do feel squishy. ha! yes right, well umm... i haven't posted a long entry in AGES. i should but i have nothing to say. oh well. i'm so bored!

non-existant. :(

remember the last entry? i was wrong. very wrong.

things are going okay. wow, amazing, i have someone who's interisted in moi ^^

lalalala. yeah bitch.

sitting with jess in an i.t class in school - it's 3:16... and raining. and i can't be bothered to go home. yeah. today was crappy. no reason why, it just was. no, I lie, it wasn't too bad. made up a new game with alice. ha, its' awesome. you have to try and shoot the other persons back. it's halerious! =P nothing else... still like sam. *sigh* the end.

so, mothers day was screwed up.

todays thoughts: WHAT THE FUCK DO I SMELL OF? =S haha, yeah, I am a freak ^_^ it's just, everyone has their own particular smell. like, Keno smells of soap, Tk smells of smoke XD um...Matt smells of coconut =S etc. hm, I think I may just shut up right now...

so very tired. mom and Lloyd woke me up ¬.¬ it may only be 6:46pm BUT i just want to sleep! sleep!

she can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written, 'cause she's never been in love with you before. your skin smells lovely like sandalwood. your hair falls soft like animals. i'm tryin' to keep cool, but everyone likes you. i want to kiss the back of your neck, the top of your spine where your hair hits, and gnaw on your fingertips and fall asleep, i'll talk you to sleep. but i'll be the one, i will have chosen. i'm tryin' to keep cool, but everyone here likes you i'm not the only one. your skin smells lovely like sandalwood. your hair falls soft like animals, and nothing else matters to me. she can't tell me that all of the love songs have been written, 'cause she's never been in love with you before. your hand, so hot, burns a hole in my hand. i wanted to show you. I can't get this song out my head =[

lara's mom reads her msn conversations. she's read the ones lara and i have and i'm quite upset. *Lara* Star Gazing... says: Right i have to tell the truth, i probably can have a leepover at my house but. my mum goes through my msn as you probably know and she found that you said somewhere that you had a condom in your bag. and she got all huffy and we had a big row because i tried to defend you so now she has this wacky theory that im gonna have sex and bla bla because you had a condom that thingy gave you... *Lara* Star Gazing... says: and somewhere you apparently said you have knife so now she thinks im going to carry a knife but i know you didnt *Lara* Star Gazing... says: =[ Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: that's quite disturbing. *Lara* Star Gazing... says: i know Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: she is probably going to read this *Lara* Star Gazing... says: im sorry *Lara* Star Gazing... says: i wuv yoo *Lara* Star Gazing... says: im gonna delete *Lara* Star Gazing... says: it Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: and you know what? i don't care Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: she can think what she likes but she doesn't even know me *Lara* Star Gazing... says: i know *Lara* Star Gazing... says: in fact Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: also, for a mother to do that, i think it's so rude *Lara* Star Gazing... says: let her read this Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: to read her daughters conversations which may actually be private *Lara* Star Gazing... says: hmmm Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: i've always been polite whenever i'm round and i've never been rude. but i think for her to read one conversation which may actually something wrong in it and then to turn and say things about us behind our backs is pathetic. that's what young girls do Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: *say something Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: *turn around Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: and i don't care if she reads this because i don't want to come back to your house *Lara* Star Gazing... says: but i want you to come back.. Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: not when she's around because i'll know what will happen; she'll just stand giving me dirty looks Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: and i don't want that *Lara* Star Gazing... says: has she before? Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: i think so *Lara* Star Gazing... says: ok im gonna talk to her *Lara* Star Gazing... says: she cant do this to my friends *Lara* Star Gazing... says: she cant be anti-simoine anymore *Lara* Star Gazing... says: because your my best friend Sam 1. [Rawrâ„¢] I Love Playing Dress Up says: mhm