Tonight was very tough for me. I knew all along I would have to choose one of them... and I knew which one I would, but I never imagined it would be so hard and hurt so much. I finally told them exactly who I chose, and they said they were "melancholy." I sent them a long e-mail, explaining my feelings for both of them, and tried to tell them in the best way I could, but it still hurt them. Even though they said they were ok, at the end of the conversation they said "Perhaps it would be best that we take some time to take this in before we talk to each other. It would help us accept the situation and be able to think more clearly." I wasn't exactly sure what to say to that, so I just said ok, because I want to make it as easy for them as I can. Last night, after the whole conversation, I decided to mail them all 36 letters I had written and never mailed off. The package is still sitting on my bookcase; unstamped. Those are memories that meant a lot to me, but I'm trying to get better at letting things go. Letting go of things is never easy, and this is very hard. 36 letters I had written. Memories. I didn't even proof read over them before I sealed the envelope. I figured that if I wrote it in the letter, I must've meant for them to know it at one point, and I didn't want to take anything away from them. I still have many more things to get rid of. Emails that have been saved away since February. Conversations that made me smile. Everything about them. I am doing this mainly for myself, but also for the person I chose. I wanted them to know that I wasn't afraid to let people know anymore, like I was. I wanted them to know that I loved them, and they meant everything to me.

I'm not trying to forget everything about the other person, of course I could never do that. I just need to make room for the new person in my life. I still love the other person, but it's not the same anymore. It could never be again either. Well, I felt really bad last night. Spent most of the night writing and crying, but I feel better today. I needed to break down last night. I have kep myself together for a long time now, and I needed to let some of those bottled up emotions out. I feel numb at the moment, but that's because the one I love is not online yet, so I have to wait to talk to them, but believe me, when I see that message pop up saying they are now online, my breath will get caught in my throat, and my heart will skip a beat. They mean that much to me. I love you.