Sunsets, like love, are among the most spectacular and brief things a human being will ever experience. It is indescribably beautiful, and something anyone can look upon with peace and happiness. They have a strong and exciting bulidup, and at one point, they reach the horizon where they light is so intense. Then, almost as quickly as it came, yet, also almost as long as the day it graced, it's gone; disappearing below the horizon in an instant. But, the most beautiful thing about sunsets and love, is that there will always be another, and the most beautiful ones will always be in our memories.

As of late, I've had a general frustration with the way some aspects of my life have been turning out. Holding a firm belief that we create our own realities, I led myself to questioning why I have felt so unsuccessful. After days of mixed thoughts about optimism and pessimism, lack of motivation and the like, I've had some renewed thoughts on optimism as a whole. I've been called a pessimist before, and while I have certainly had times when my thoughts have been incredibly negative, I feel that people's ideas of pessimism versus realism are incredibly skewed. In reality, I see optimism as an empty hope that things will improve. This is the reason realists and pessimists find optimism to be such a ridiculous idea. Optimism shouldn't just be about hoping for a change. People who spend all of their lives hoping will get nowhere. Sure, there are those few cases of luck, where you can achieve all you've ever wanted in life without having to create it for yourself, but the reality of life is that it takes effort to create ideals. I guess what I'm trying to do is turn optimism into a more positive version of realism, but that is all optimism should be. After brainstorming these ideas for a while, I realized why I'd been feeling so frustrated. At this point in my life, my first year in college, I am essentially standing in line waiting to board the roller coaster that is the rest of my life. I am standing here, growing closer and closer to the start of the ride, and gazing longingly back at my life before responsibility. I'm becoming old enough now that I have all of these high aspirations to travel and get out in the world and experience all that I can before I settle down and start my family... but now that I think, after the next four years of college, I dive head first into the working world without a moment to look back... and, buried in student loans, I will begin working my way past college and out of my childhood. If it takes me ten years to pay off my student loans, I will most likely already have a husband and a child. (Or, so I hope) All of a sudden, the next 14 years of my life are laid out for me like a map that only goes down one road in one direction. I suppose at this point, this is the time where I need to put my optimistic realism into play and try my damn hardest to break free before I get sucked into the working world without a chance to catch a glimpse at what life could've been like.

Whoever coined the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" could not have said it better. It's a strange, mixed feeling of sadness, longing, loving, and appreciation. You're sad because you can feel the distance like a great, solid barrier keeping you away from the only thing you want. It's a constant longing... sure it can be pushed to the back of your head by mindless actions. Things you do in some unsuccessful attempt to keep at bay that pang of pain when you go to bed at night knowing that yet another day has passed without feeling their touch. You never stop loving them, and though sometimes your mind becomes preoccupied with other things, they never really leave your thoughts. No matter how involved you seem to get in something, it only takes a split second, a flash of a memory, or some random coincidence to bring an image of their face into your had, stopping you cold, taking a breath from your lungs, and making your heart feel as though it's starting to beat for the first time in years. Absence makes the heart grow fonder because, after feeling all of these emotions for so long, you think back to when it was simple; when they were never more than a few minutes away, and holding them in your arms was something you did, rather than something you remembered. You realize how you almost take for granted the kisses and little looks they give you that shine light into the darkest pockets of your soul and make you smile like you did when you were a kid and nothing ever worried you. This unfair trade; first it was feeling the softness of their skin give you goosebumps when they brush up against you, and now it's that waking feeling in your heart when the phone rings and their voice rings through the line. And even though it's been just a few hours since you last spoke, hearing them talk is the most beautiful sound you've ever heard in your life. This is nothing more than love, in its purest and most beautiful, untouched form.

Whoever coined the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" could not have said it better. It's a strange, mixed feeling of sadness, longing, loving, and appreciation. You're sad because you can feel the distance like a great, solid barrier keeping you away from the only thing you want. It's a constant longing... sure it can be pushed to the back of your head by mindless actions. Things you do in some unsuccessful attempt to keep at bay that pang of pain when you go to bed at night knowing that yet another day has passed without feeling their touch. You never stop loving them, and though sometimes your mind becomes preoccupied with other things, they never really leave your thoughts. No matter how involved you seem to get in something, it only takes a split second, a flash of a memory, or some random coincidence to bring an image of their face into your had, stopping you cold, taking a breath from your lungs, and making your heart feel as though it's starting to beat for the first time in years. Absence makes the heart grow fonder because, after feeling all of these emotions for so long, you think back to when it was simple; when they were never more than a few minutes away, and holding them in your arms was something you did, rather than something you remembered. You realize how you almost take for granted the kisses and little looks they give you that shine light into the darkest pockets of your soul and make you smile like you did when you were a kid and nothing ever worried you. This unfair trade; first it was feeling the softness of their skin give you goosebumps when they brush up against you, and now it's that waking feeling in your heart when the phone rings and their voice rings through the line. And even though it's been just a few hours since you last spoke, hearing them talk is the most beautiful sound you've ever heard in your life. This is nothing more than love, in its purest and most beautiful, untouched form.

So... essentially... I just feel like stuff is slipping away. I don't know if it is just me.. or if it's what is really in fact happening. It's that really bad sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that usually means something bad will happen... but this time I can't shake it by getting a good night's sleep or getting a huge homework assignment out of the way. I dunno, maybe I just woke up wrong today.. but this kindof wrong feeling has been eating away at some of the things that used to make me happy. This is not one of those things that's all "oh, I need to take some prozac and feel all better.." Not that I would anyway... because I don't feel the need to be homicidal/suicidal in my life... but.. that's a different discussion entirely. It's just kindof a bugging feeling that I can't shake... despite my best efforts. I am trying to get through, but it's as though my voice is lost in the sea of other, more noticable people. I've been a shy person most of my life, despite coming out of my shell a lot over the past 4 or 5 years. But, of course, my shyness always remains as part of me.. so I am left as just an unnoticed shape in the shadow of other, more oratorically gifted people. It isn't how I want it to be. But I suppose that is how it is. It came as a little bit of a surprise to me the other day to think about high school. This year, I noticed a bit of a change in my social life. Freshman and Sophomore year, it seemed like school was a neverending wait until the weekend or the next party during school vacation. But this year, I have noticed that I only know a few people who I would probably call up just to talk to or hang out with outside of school. I don't see myself as an introvert in a lot of ways. But, it is just seeming like something about this is dwindling.. and if something doesn't change, I'll find myself wondering where everybody has gone. Again, maybe I just woke up wrong today. Ever have a regret, not about the action itself, but a regret of the waves of consequence following the action? It's like a big, horrible shockwave. The middle is where it all starts, and you don't realize what it really is until you get to the other side of it where all of the destruction is going on. Ok, maybe a bad analogy... but you will probably understand what I'm getting at. Basically, I just wish things were back to normal before what ever giant switch got flipped to make this weird turbulence. Not to say it's abnormal for a person's life to have some shit spots... but, this just doesn't seem like the usual. I don't know.... Maybe I'll go back to bed and wake up right tomorrow....

Well, Ben and I finally broke up. It was for the better, though I cannot honestly say that some part of me inside does not still have some kind of feelings for him. Because, chances are, I will for a long time, if not always. Things have been pretty damn messy after the break up... Well, not just messy, but we downright clash. It's sad in some ways, because what we had was really great, but, in other ways I think it's probably good that we just stay out of eachothers' lives for a while. I've grown a lot since then, and I've found myself being very happy again. I've figured a lot of things out about myself, and now I feel that I can be finally happy. If it's one thing I've learned from this experience... it's that I should be happy because it was good for a while, and I've learned a lot, but now, it's done and I can move on.

Before I start... I must clarify that I am not one of those abusive relationship people... Essentially, the little things that your significant other does, are not meant to be hurtful... those little wisecracks and sarcastic comments that were cute so long ago.... but why is it that at any given point, everything changes? These little things that were just part of his/her charm in the beginning suddenly bring you to tears...is it I who has changed, or he?? The hardest part of it all is when you feel that ache for a part of you that has been sitting empty for a long time.... as if someone has cut a chunk out of your very existance... that feeling that there's something more... but you aren't quite getting it.... But what do you do when you find it, and it makes things even more confusing? Maybe you find what completes the puzzle, but you don't know what to do or are scared.... Also, being a strong believer in signs... It's terrifying to see how easily some of these "signs" come together in your life, showing you what to do, but just vaguely enough that you can't do it. You think it will make things better, but there is another part of you that just knows it will come back to haunt you, or that it's a huge mistake. Perhaps these signs are blinding me from the moment? I don't even know anymore. The only thing I truly want to have right now is for my boyfriend to see that I'm hurting, and recognize that I need to be loved. Not that he doesn't love me... but it's like, love isn't something that is shown in words, but in actions. You can tell someone you love them a million times, but it's the person who holds them when they are sad that gets through to them. It should've been you... it should've been you.

It's funny how love works. When you have someone, you are possibly more alone than you ever were. You are not alone in the sense that you have a significant other, someone who loves you in return... Yet, you are alone in that constant ache... that feeling of longing that, no matter what, does not die until you are with the one person you love and long for. It's amazing, how, even though it hasn't even been long since you've seen them, the spaces between your fingers feel empty and foreign, and your arms, cold and left without something to hold onto. You long for that amazing feeling you get when your bodies are so close you can feel the heat coming off of the other person, and their heartbeat resonates throughout your body. It takes hardly any time, and you are left with just your memory doing its best to piece together those feelings in a forlorn attempt to keep you going until next time. Basically, all it gets down to.... is I miss Ben like crazy... and he hasn't even been gone that long... this is not that I am dependent on having him with me constantly... no no... it's just that I undeniably love him so much... and it's just my body's natural longing for someone I love.

So, that old saying... it really is true. "Absense Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" So deeply true. Everything went from being what seemed like a ride aimed at destruction, to perfection. Everything is amazing, and I never want it to change between Ben and I. I love that boy! It's so amazing to find someone who is just so what you've always wanted. Ben is the kind of guy that girls like me think about, constructing on their own with little traits they love. But, for me, instead of having to live my wishes one guy at a time, I've found the person who encompasses everything that I love in someone. Anyway... So, tomorrow is Christmas. I'm pretty excited, despite how hard things were going previously. I've decided, no matter how hard shit gets in life, you just have to live through it and make it as good as you can. I've grown pessimistic through the years, and from recent events, I've learned I need to put together all the wonderful things, and shine a little light on my life. I have Ben, I have my friends and family (as much as can be said for that), and a roof over my head. I am not religious, but I've just sortof been awakened.... so God, Buddha, Allah, Santa Claus... whoever's out there listening.... Thank You, and Merry Christmas.

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE? So, here's how it works: 1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc) 2. Put it on shuffle 3. Press play 4. For every question, type the song that's playing 5. When you go to a new question, press the next button 6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... 7. When you're finished tag some other people to do it! Opening Credits: Sympathy- Goo Goo Dolls Waking up: Castaway- Green Day Falling in Love: Lovers Tonight, Friends Tomorrow- DMB Fight Song: Get Low- Lil Jon Breaking up: Sounds of Silence- Simon & Garfunkel Prom: 80- Green Day Life: Coffee Shop- Red Hot Chili Peppers Mental Breakdown: Tears in Heaven- Eric Clapton Driving: Freaky Styley- RHCP Flash Back: When The World Ends- DMB Getting Back Together: One Headlight- The Wallflowers Wedding: I Hope You Dance- LeAnn Rhimes Birth of a Child: Lie In Our Graves- DMB Final Battle: Mad World- Gary Jules (From Donnie Darko) End Credits: Burning Years- Story of the Year

So, as things have been getting rockier and rockier... I ask myself "how many more fights will there be?" How much more can this relationship take without crumbling and falling apart into nothing.... maybe even a few steps back from before. Everything is becoming a huge conflict.... we can't even talk without it become a teenage cat-fight... I AM GETTING SO TIRED OF IT! I love Ben... more than anything... but.... I just... sometimes wonder how much more our relationship can take....

It's gotten kinda frustrating lately realizing how little time I really have in the 2 days that is the weekend. It's almost 2 o clock on sunday afternoon... and I still can think of about 100 things I need/want to do before tomorrow leads into another 5 days of the 'school, home, homework sleep routine'. This, and next weekend being the last 2 full weekends Ben and I will together until probably february... Between his ski meets, and leaving for South Carolina possibly before I am even out of school for the holidays... it's a bit of a rude awakening. So, to those of who who may be complaining that you don't see me much anymore... You'll survive until a few weekends from now. Today has just been one of those days so far when I am just in a generally pessimistic/negative attitude towards most people... especially the ones I talk to online. This whole AIM/Facebook thing is kindof sucking all the fun out of my life. It's disgusting to think about how much time I probably end up spending with my hands on this keyboard each day. It's sickening! It makes me jealous of how Ben grew up, TV-less, Internet-less, and Computer-less. He's such a better person for it. I've been slowly trying to break my horrible habits of the past, and it's proven relitvely easy. Once you can get past the neverending craving for whatever it was (in my case, soda, junkfood etc) It really just goes away.. which is good for me, as I haven't been nearly active enough lately... playing ultimate frisbee for 30 minutes 5 days a week isn't enough.. but I guarantee that, had I been eating the way I did last year, I'd be HUGE!!! AAAHHH!! I just hope facebook eventually ends up like myspace... just a slow fade into nothingness. Anyway... minor rant. Well, as I've just ranted about that.. I'm going to get off this stupid mind-suck of a computer and go do something productive with my day :) Ahh, inspiration at last!

The week is FINALLY over!! And boy was it an amazing one! On wednesday, I got to sing with part of Mr. Long's a capella group from Bowdoin and it has totally inspired me to get into singing! I got to sing tenor for one of the first times, and it totally opened up a lot more possibilities. That is one thing that has gotten me excited, is the upcoming beginning of the a capella group at school... I've got an almost guaranteed part because I can sing a male part and there most likely will be a ton more girls trying out than there will be guys trying out... so I'm set! Then yesterday, we were playing frisbee, and I felt like really getting into it, and I made a really awesome catch. I dove to the ground to get a frisbee that was a few inches from landing! It was amazing, and for once I didn't feel like the mediocre player who just sortof stands around and gets in the way. (even though I generally am most of the time) This weekend, I have miniscule amounts of homework, which means a lot more freedom! Tomorrow, I am going into Bangor to buy clothes for less-fortunate families, and to do some Christmas shopping for my friends. Ben is coming in with my dad and I, then later, we are going to the Bapst semi-formal dance, and I get to wear my amazing new dress! It's going to be a long day/night though, because the dance doesn't end until 11, and then we have to drive back into Castine. I'm really looking forward to getting to spend all this time with Ben and have an amazing weekend, one that I've been looking forward to for a long time now!

An amazing thanksgiving vacation this year... it was really nice to have the four and a half day weekend to relax and spend lots of time getting things really amazing with Ben. There had been too much time recently where things had just seemed rocky... but we spent a lot of time together this week and now I feel amazingly close to him again. It's nice. I went running yesterday for the first time since soccer ended (around a month and a half ago)... it hurt, but I can still run (and walk) 3 miles without dying. Not too bad considering soccer is not a distance/endurance sport. It's amazing that, even in the amazing shape I was from playing full soccer games, it's still really hard for me to do any sort of distance running.. and how I am basically limited to running short, fast, bursts. But, I just need to get myself back into shape again and things should go better in that respect. It's been a rude awaking today to wake up this morning and have the homework I've been putting off since wednesday hanging over my head. I've been out of school for 3 days now and I've already gotten used to not having to go anymore. I don't know why, but this school year, while it hasn't been near the pain in the ass that last year was... it has seemed like a complete non-event. It only takes a couple of days of not being in school for it to see like I never need to go back ever again. Strange. I've been keeping a running tally of the days left until my birthday... and today I decided to find out how many days were left until christmas... and 28 days from now will be Christmas Eve. 28 DAYS!! That's hardly any amount of time at all! I don't have any idea what to get anybody, let alone what I even want... It's been frustrating though, thinking about or hearing about all these things that Ben would want for Christmas... and it leaves me at the same problem every time: Lack of money. Lord knows I would love to get him that kind of gift where you get it and you are absolutely speechless because it's exactly the thing you've been yearning and wishing for all year, counting down the days until Christmas just on the little hope that you get JUST want you want. But alas, I have a huge lack of money right now... but.. c'est la vie. Anyway... back to the part about the homework looming over my head.. I'm off to try to fix that now.

Well... this week there were only 2.5 days of school... which was quite nice because the seemingly endless days of getting up at 6:30 in the morning have been wearing on me lately. This morning was my last morning for the next 4 days of getting up early... YAY! Thanksgiving is tomorrow... which reminds me again how fast time is going... because as of tomorrow, there are just 43 days until I turn 17... Looking back, I can kinda remember how old I felt on my 13th birthday... finally a "teenager".. but if I think about it... 13 is nothing... and I'm sure looking back a few years from now... 17 will seem like nothing as well... That's just the way life works. But yeah.. so right after school I drove into Castine to see Ben... it was the first time we got to spend any length of time together for a few weeks... so it was nice to see eachother and just hang out. He got me hooked on ANOTHER flavor or Haagen Dazs... I swear... he is going to make me SO fat... lol but anyway... I'm exhausted.... so... more later.

Well, something really great tonight... what seems almost like a "closure" of sorts... Ben and I had been going through a rocky part in our relationship... one of those things every relationship goes through... but I was beginning to think that it was deeper than that; a downward spiral leading to to the fast-approaching demise of our relationship. Whenever one of us was happy, the other one was really upset or angry about something... and that is just not a good combination... But tonight... a big turnaround... we talked on the phone for a while, and actually enjoyed talking to eachother and just having a great conversation; something we hadn't done in all too long. I'm still a bit dissapointed at the slim chances of me getting to the concert on Wednesday.. but I'm excited to have the long weekend to spend with Ben and my friends... and of course Thanksgiving. All in all, this has turned out well. Anyway... more tomorrow I suppose.

So it's been a while... as the title suggests... Life since my previous entries has been a whirlwind of change. Going from my rather strange and unique status as far as relationships go, to my current amazing relationship with Ben. The summer of 2006 melted into what seems like a tiny span of a few hours of compacted memories: Pan dances, thunderstorms, finding my summer romance, realizing it would become so much more, next to last year of MSYM, coming into junior year etc etc. And with the school year already being 1/4 over... it just seems as though time is rushing through my life... oh well... c'est la vie. But... as I'm exhausted and it's after 2230 hours... I'm going to go to sleep now... Until next time...

Ok, so it has recently come to my attention that this sitdiary is being watched by my parents... for whatever reason... so, this shall only be used for updates of goings on, rather than my rants etc etc.... I hope this isn't bothersome to you... I will probably make one that is visible to friends only to prevent this from happening again... and I will give my current friends list the link to that.... Anywho.... So, this one is for people I send the link to who do not have a sitdiary and therefore cannot be on my friends list, so it's essentially just basic updates of the life of Molly. That's about it. PS. I'm very angered that I have no privacy and my parents feel the need to crawl up my ass continuously. Let it be known that this puts me in a very bad mood to find this out, and you shall be feeling my wrath shortly. PS. I would really very much appreciate it if you would get off my case and leave me alone. There, my last rant. I hope you like it.

Ok, so, as you all may know, I'll be in florida from April 18th until May 2nd..... SO, if you wanna contact me, you can do so, and if you so desire, this should be updated daily as to the happenings in the sunshine state... like... how many times I flew off the jetski... etc etc... so... I'll keep it updated! See you all in May!

So, it really hasn't occurred to me yet why the hell I haven't had any sort of relationship in OVER A YEAR.... I know, you're probably saying "oh, it's just a slow time." But no, it most certainly isn't. If it were a slow time, there wouldn't be people who like me, but "don't want a girlfriend currently"... I mean, quite honestly, I see that as an excuse to cover up something else they're just too nice.. I guess... to say to me. I mean, I can understand there's other stuff going on... but it's not like I'm high maintenance! And, if I really truly liked someone, I'd be damn well willing to make exceptions to be with them.... but, *sigh* maybe that's just me.... Maybe there's something wrong with me, I dunno! It just really frustrates me that it seems nobody really cares that way towards me at all..... Because I sure as hell care for people that way.... I just... wish it would be returned once in a while. I just.... need a relationship..... no more of this friends with benefits crap..... I just really really need someone there.... to just sortof be there, ya know? I mean, you may be saying, oh, what about your friends.. they are there! But no.. it's just not the same..... your friends can give you guidance or a shoulder to cry on... but it's not the same, it's not a boyfriends kiss, or warm embrace.... it's just not.... and there's nothing that replaces that..... so that's what I need. The End