So do you ever get those feelings of complete stupidity?! well i had them major last night! so i went home for the thanksgiving holiday, and i was so looking forward to it! i was so giddy and happy to see not only my family and friends, but landen! i was so stoked, well tues. night when i got into town my family was happy to see me but something i did really ticked off my dad and that totally ruined the whole vaction for me. (my own studipity!) and so consequently when landen showed up to get me i wasn't in the best of moods but i just wanted to get away for a bit and hopefully things would calm down, but he interpreted that as i wasn't excited to see him at all. which was exactlly the oppisite because i was most excited to see him because i hadn't seen him since ISU and i really didn't get to see him then really so i was so excited to have him near me and maybe just for one night things maybe be as they were with out all the drama between us. well i screwed that over too, (my own studipity!) i did however get to snuggle with him at fuzzy's house for a couple of minutes of heaven! i really do love that kid! and then we kissed, at first i really think that he didn't want to but it happened and i find out that he really didn't think that it meant anything to me! i couldn't have been more hurt in my life. although that is after i called him to tell him that i loved him and found out that he was on his way to hilary's house. and you can only guess what the first thing was that popped into my mind when he told me that. he is going to make-out with her! needless to say i was crushed! i had a couple of other social things i had to make a appearance at that night after i found out and so i held myself together enough for that and then i went to my aunts house put my jammies on and balled myself to sleep! my mother was upset too because i wouldn't tell her what was going on and that just made things worse, (my own studipity!) The reason my mom was upset with me from earlier was friday her and i went shopping and she accidentlly ripped a pair of my pants. and i was extremely upset and so to make up for it she offered to buy me a new pair. well we went to the store and she handed me some to try on and i went back to the dressing room to try them on and they were too small. and being the girl that i am insisted that i wouldn't get a pair of pants bigger than that and gave them back to the clerk. when my mom asked about them i just told her that they were too small and i didn't want any pants at all. again (my own studipity!). so my mother was mad at me all break and so was my dad. he was upset because i went and hung out with my friends on tuesday night instead of being with the family. at least that is the readers digest version. and now i am sitting in my aunts house while my family is back at home so that i could save me some driving hours and that upset my parents too. (my own studipity!) so yeah basically except for the actual day my thanksgiving break sucked!!!!! and now i am so confused i don't know what to do..... i guess i will just go on and live my life and hope that somehow this will all work itself out...maybe i will get in a freak accident on the way home tomorrow (because the roads are really bad) and die and then i won't have to worry about this mess any more. right now that seems like the best and easiest way out...and really that is what i want is a way out because i am sick to death of dealing with the shit my life is full of right now! and that is not just you landen, most of it in fact comes from my family. Ideally what i would love to do right now is to run away with my landen! we would go far far away and live off of the love that we would have for eachother! and we could go skinny dipping everyday because we would live right next to the beach! and we would me so happy and there wouldn't be a care in the world...yes i think that would also be a sloution to my problems...run away with my landen! oh man wouldn't it be nice if we were older!!! he he he! by the way i really loved that song and i thought it was so cute! and just while i am getting everything off my chest here i really kind of lied. i had no intention of kissing you that night landen, i was in fact going to just not give you anything because you have a girlfriend and what not, but when i saw you (u hat and everything) i fell for you all over again! and i knew that there was now way i was going to last the night! but i was going to be stubborn and make you go first. but that went out the window too i guess. oh i saw this shirt at shopko that i have to get! it is pink and in lime green writing it says "who says stubborn is a bad thing" i saw that and thought of us and just laughed. anyhoo i love how i am having this conversation with you as if you are right here. i just hope you read this and so the people in this world don't think i am anymore crazy than i already am. anyhoo i think that is enough venting for one night. i still feel like a loser but it was fun to think about happy things for a while. sometimes that is what i do to help me sleep at night. i think of all the happy times that landen and i had together and all the tender moments that we shared together. in fact while i was balling last night i sort of sang myslef to sleep. i was singing our song. "children behave, thats what they say when were together, and watch how you play. they don't understand and so we're running just as fast as we can. holding onto one anothers hand. trying to get away into the night, then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say..." i will let you take it from there. good night world and sweet dreams landen (i really do love you! despite what i say)