Ive just come to realize a few things in my life, with a path set before me i must go and find myself, find out who i am really. Look deep into my soul and find out these answers. knowing now that the one i did love, just turned out only to be there to break me down, sculpt me into what i am today. mere attempts to break me into small fragments, bits and pieces of a man. If it were'nt for her i would have never known my dark side. i would have never known how to hate, how to questions ones life. i would have never have known what it was like to nearly do the deed. Knowing that i will never feel that warmth again, that connectivness, that feeling the touch of two souls for a moment intertwined into one... The feeling i am addicted to, the feeling that i will never have again. But then again i was shown some light, at the end of the tunnel there's always a light. Turns out that light happens to be friends. Does'nt matter how close to death, broken, or evil you are. how depressed, or lonely...theres always a friend who wants to play baseball. I remember the day i should have killed myself. October 23rd 2008. That was the longest walk home i ever took. The day she took my heart and stomped the life out of it, the day i knew she was done with me and realized i had nothing. Where was i to go? i wasn't welcome at my home for my treachery i pulled on my mother. The family i once had, that i turned my back on. I just kept walking... I was on The Disraeli bridge watching the current, its brown waters glistening, the fidget cold waters, they moved so freely not tied down, moving ever so gracefully. I wanted to feel that, feel that freedom once again. When i got a flashback of being a kid riding my first bike...why i dont know... but the significance kept me staring. When my phone kept ringing and ringing and ringing surprisingly it was my mom brittany had called the house because i left adruptly my mom was worried. She cam and picked me up, i still havent told her why i was on that bridge to this day. As my day progressed all i could think about was dying and how i felt so empty, like all the happiness in the world was taken out of it and that there would never be a sunrise again. How it felt like the end of all time and the only person here was me...alone in this dark cold abyss. Just me and my room, a cold dark cell. When i felt like the world was caving in, a light came in from the end of the tunnel. I decided out of the blue to call an old friend one whom i hadnt talked to in nearly a year. Justin, at first he thought it was a practical joke that i wasnt serious that i wanted to come out to hang out. If it werent for him inviting me out to baseball i would have to say i would not be here writing this today. You can never tell a true friend how thankful you are to have them, especially when they are always right. So what more to say than i owe you one? things have changed since i got an extended lease on life, a second chance. ive made attempts to make this world a better place, feed the homeless help the poor and ultimatly fight the evil i have become self aware of. So any good that comes of me you only need to look in a mirror and thank yourself, for it were my friends in the end who shown me the light and thus created the man i am today. I know why women can't love me, or even get close to me for that matter. For loving a broken man is like loving a fire. I don't have anything to give back because it was all taken away. Why waste my time with a woman who is just going to leave me when my city doesn't move? a city may not be able to love me, hug me , or for the matter even cuddle. But at least for for when i do die attempting to make a difference she will hold onto me. Now i know why she doesnt like me, heck now i know why any one could'nt. I still may be broken in some places, may still lack a soul. But it is out there somewheres on this road to redmeption............ Somewheres.