Everyday I worry about what I'm going to do with my life. It's kind of time to take responsibility. But it's really scary. I don't know what to do.

I've got a few minutes before I have to go to class. I'm so ridiculously lazy this quarter. OMG. I'm going to bomb everything. Lazy mitochondria, too much AF, too much sleep. I don't know... something. I wanted to put some thoughts down. I think this quarter, though academically SHIT so far (though it better not be shit in the end), has been really good otherwise. I feel so much less socially retarded.. maybe it helps that I've met some of the most socially retarded people ever this quarter. Haha. Damn. There's been drama, too. I thought drama was supposed to be over in high school? Thai people, though. Never gets old. I haven't talked as much to the old CH people. I haven't gone home in awhile, actually. But the people at school, too... those people who keep betraying my trust... it's good that I'm getting away from them. I have dinner with them every so often, but not every night like I used to. Thank God for that. I miss my home people, though! Me and Reah can't get a hold of each other ever! I call her and she doesn't answer, and then she calls me and I don't answer, and then I try to call her back, and she tries to call me back, and it's just a vicious cycle of missed calls. Haha. I've been watching so much AF. I have a problem! I need an intervention! After Saturday's concert I've sworn to not watch anymore AF until after midterms. Don't know if I can do it. HAHAHAHA it's so sad how addicted I am. This summer should be fun. I need to learn to read some Thai first, though. And I also need to write down a list of stuff to buy. And for that I would need money...

I think I must have been losing my mind last night. It was late and I was stressed and not thinking straight. Physics midterm was ridonkulously easy. I must know so little that I'm dumb enough to think it was really really easy. Hopefully not, though. Time to get my lazy mitochondria in gear! Tomorrow's the real test. No more crushing/not crushing/maybe crushing on anyone. Over it.

Taking a break! Physics midterm tomorrow in 7.5 hours. Eek... but um.. I've been too distracted all day. All week maybe? The last time I had a crush on someone was like... so long ago I can barely remember how it felt. I don't want to go through that pining/wanting/hoping thing again. I have to stop... think about physics or something, but I can't. I don't know what's wrong with me.

She said she felt bad for leaving me out in the cold. She said that she cried because she felt so bad. I believed her because I didn't think she'd lie. I told her not to feel bad. I regret that now. She felt so bad that she's going to live with Byron now. Even though me and Byron were in the exact same situation. We were both looking for somewhere to live. But she tells me she's already got somewhere to live with Grace. And she says "Byron wants to live in an apartment with us, but Grace won't want to." But Byron tells me today that he's living with them. And all I can think is... wow. What a lying bitch. How many times do I have to be betrayed by these people to realize that they are not my real friends? For serious, I have to take a leap. Get the hell away from these people. Even though I'm in my comfort zone here, it's not exactly comfortable. I think I've been too oblivious, or maybe in denial. They can give or take me. I should be able to say the same for them.

So now I remember why I don't like people. You just can't depend on people. They'll easily betray you in a second and feel no remorse. At least, in the animal world, there is a dog-eat-dog mentality, and that's it and it's real. There is no faking. You know what you want, they know what they want, and everyone does what they need to do. Emotions and relationships don't have to get involved, and sometimes it's just so much better that way.

My room smells disgusting. Disgustingly like fish. Because someone feels the need to eat canned salmon in the room! Not to mention microwave it too. At first it was so bad I just had to leave, and I went to study in the lounge. Now it's faded... kind of. Now it kind of just smells like it has smelled for the past week, which is shitty as hell. I've been wondering what that smell was, and now I have seen where it comes from. It's not like she ever actually eats any real meals, though. She just constantly eats snack food. And steals my snack food, but whatever. Watched Muse at Almost Acoustic Christmas on their little webcast thing. Kind of wish I could've been there. There's always kind of a pang of regret when you realize, hell, they're a few miles away. But the thing is, it would have been like $90 to see them play less than they would have if they were on their own, and I also have a final tomorrow. There were lots of cool riffs, and they seemed pretty into it. The setlist was... okay. They played nothing from Showbiz, which was really rather disappointing. But there was good variety from all of the other cds. I enjoyed the riffs the most, though. Those are the little things that are unique to this show. The crowd got into it towards the end, when they played the songs they actually knew, like TiRO and Starlight. But from what I could tell, they were pretty sad for the majority of the concert. Oh and the KROQ guy who announced Muse was all like "We've praised them since the beginning." Oh shut up. You basically ignored Muse until Starlight. You might have played TiRO or Hysteria once or twice a year before that, but after Starlight, it was like you were suddenly their number 1 fan. Ugh... people like that. I've missed Muse, I think. Too much listening to Ice lately.

Um... I have roommate issues. But since we are both passive aggressive, I think they will never get resolved until one of us explodes. Though I'm pretty sure she was looking over my shoulder when I was last on this site, and that she knows the url now. But if she comes and reads this and gets angry, it is not my fault she's nosy. Some things are not meant for your eyes! Some things are just for me to vent. Pilot Speed is really good... I find myself listening to them more now than I listen to Muse even. Or wanting to listen to them more than I want to listen to Muse. Which is kind of strange because I always thought, considering the magnitude of my love for them, that Muse would always be head and shoulders above any other band I loved. But I guess not, because Pilot Speed is closing the gap.

Not sure what I want to write about. Nothing much is going on. I think this week will be pretty busy, though. I feel like I should write something just because I haven't written anything in awhile. Bruins are playing an exhibition game on Friday. :) I'm starting to get excited for this season, which is slightly late for me, but better late than never, right? This year I haven't been as into it as I was in the past. It's kind of weird that I was a way more enthusiastic fan before I started going here than now that I'm here. Now I guess I kind of take it for granted. We get a season 5 of SGA! So happy. I don't know what I would have done if we hadn't. Grace is getting shadier. She was always shady, but now she's even more shady. My food keeps getting stolen, and it's really annoying.

How sad that I've had this account for a few years, but I still haven't reached 50 entries yet! Part of that has got to be the fault of Xanga, because I got a Xanga again a few months ago. I've been writing in my Xanga about stuff, but I don't write about the real juicy stuff, because of the shit that happened in the past. That's what this thing is for. I don't know if there even is any juicy stuff anymore. Nothing happens. It's boring and blah. I need to go back to school and prove I can actually handle it.

A week ago we would have been the top overall seed. Now we'll probably be a 2 seed. I am devastated and so, so disappointed. I feel like this is going to be a bad March.

So.. we beat the Trojans yesterday, which was fabulous and all. And lots of Bruins partied a little (a lot) harder than was necessary. And it was pretty loud. And lots of people ran around the hallway yelling "FUCK SC!" and that was fun for about 5 minutes, and then it got annoying. And all of these people are now proud to be Bruins, and I'm just like.. I was proud to be a Bruin before I was even a Bruin. Beat that! I dunno, I just feel like if you go here, you should want to be here and be proud of it all the time, not just when we beat some shitty spoiled assfucks. So the weekend of some fun was fun and now it's over. And now I have to work my essay and study for finals next week. And I still have no idea what's going on in chem.. so I've gotta get on board with that. And I'm going home on Friday (thanks a lot, Scerri!) while everyone's going home on Wednesday. So that's loads of fun also. But I'm glad to be going home. Last week I got my first bout of homesickness since I've been here. And it's colder than at home here. Oh our basketball team is number one! This is the first time we've been number one in my whole time as a Bruin fan, since the last time we were number one was in 1995 when we won the championship. Good sign? Well tbh we haven't really been playing that well. Well in Maui we did actually play pretty damn well. But against these lesser teams, not so much. I don't know, maybe we just consider these teams to be sucky so we don't try as hard. One of them might surprise us sometime, which would be bad. But um... so far so good!

I'm so tired. I haven't been sleeping too much lately, what with my roommates usually having class at 11 AM or 1 PM and thus going to bed around 2-3 AM, and my having class at 9 AM but usually going to bed around 1:30 AM. It sucks ass. I go home on the weekends and just fall asleep, so fucking tired. And I'm way behind on homework. Seriously, where does the time go? I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up and fail all of my classes.

I'm happy. I love it here. Pretty much any doubts I had about coming here were killed. I really loved convocation. I loved being able to really feel like a part of UCLA. It's kind of hard to describe, but just that feeling of being part of something huge is amazing. I just love the togetherness of it all, like we're a big family. I love that these huge events can bring people together like this. It's amazing.

So I held a basketball for the first time in about two (maybe more) years. I didn't even realize that I missed it, but when I picked it up, it just felt right, like it was supposed to be there. So I dunno, I think I'll start playing again.

Okay.. I have a little rant for my next-door neighbor. I can hear you hanging out with your equally hapless friends. And I can hear the stupid crap you call music, and it's making my head hurt. You're at least 25, but you still live with your parents, and you don't go to school, and you have no job, and all you do is sit in your parents' garage all day. I'm so tired of listening to your shit music and listening to you and your friends try to rap. You aren't in the hood or anything. You live in an upper middle class suburb. Please just get a life. Okay.. rant over. There was some other stuff I meant to write about. But now I'm just worn out.

I've just been reading through a few of my past entries. I can't believe I beat Boss on a physics test! I can't believe I didn't hate Daniel's guts! Damn.. I totally hate his stupid, bigoted, traitorous, narrow-minded arse. He's the stereotypical ignorant American. People like him are the reason Europeans look down on Americans. Well.. enough of that. So I'm getting ready to move in. Sort of. I'm talking about getting ready, about packing and cleaning my room. But I haven't actually done much yet. All I've done is buy stuff, basically. Now I've got about 2 weeks left. I'm getting that thing again.. like the Will thing. Where I was just a big damn chicken. And I hate that. I don't want to be afraid when there's quite obviously nothing to be afraid of. I wish I could just... be able to handle this. I don't want to push people away, and then feel sad that they're gone.

Wow.. it's been a really, really long time. I guess a lot has happened since then... I'm moving into UCLA on September like... 21st or 22nd. Muse is playing in Las Vegas on the 21st. Oh, what I'd give to go! They're also playing in San Francisco in September.. for a second there it made me want to be going to Berkeley instead. My mom's completely bitter about my choosing UCLA over Berkeley. I'll forever have this storm cloud over my head.. like what would have happened if I'd gone to Berkeley? Also Muse will be playing UC Davis. Hopefully this means more UC tour dates? Because.. why UC Davis? But I saw them twice in July.. they were amazing. And I also met them. July was just a fabulous month. And Black Holes and Revelations came out, and that thing is just amazing. I just love Muse :) Kelly just left for Berkeley this morning. And Helen's leaving tomorrow. It makes me sad.. everyone's going their separate ways. It sucks. I know I'll meet loads of new people at UCLA, but still.. And I can't wait for basketball season to start again! Last season was absolutely amazing. I wish I could go back in time and relive it. Except for that last game, of course.

I GOT INTO UCLA! And I am so so so happy that I can't even think straight right now! And I want to run outside and scream at the top of my lungs and jump up and down but it's raining! And the Bruins are going to the Pac-10 Championship tomorrow, and I AM JUST SO SO SO HAPPY.

HARD-Fi is playing Coachella! *sigh* So today was 2 bad things and 1 good. 1 bad: I missed the Duke-Carolina game, and I am so still slapping myself for it. UGH, how could I miss like the biggest game of the season? At UNC, too. At least Duke won. I guess that's good, but that's not the one good thing. 1 good: American Idol tomorrow finally in Hollywood! Yay, finally get to see David Radford. He is just oodles and oodles of total adorableness. I am such a loser. But he is hot. 1 bad: The biggest bad. UGH, I might actually go to Arizona. There isn't really anything wrong with Arizona, not really, except that it isn't UCLA. And I've wanted to go to UCLA since I was in 8th grade, and because of the whole money thing, it may not happen. And that makes me really, really, really, sad. I was getting sort of teary when my dad was saying I should go to Arizona because it's basically free tuition. It would break my heart every year when the bruins came to play in Arizona. Especially if it was Arizona and not Arizona State, since the bruins and wildcats pretty much hate each other. So now I'm gonna get off my damn butt and get some scholarships, because if I can't go to UCLA, I'm gonna hate myself forever.