Ive changed. Changed so much for her. I control my anger. I let my guard down, I show her how much I care. I show her when I'm hurting. She has me wrapped around her finger now. She has me where she's always wanted me. And now she's hurting me. Now she doesn't know if she wants to be with me. Its so hard to be with someone who doesnt even know if they want to be with me. I can't take this, I can't handle this.

I don't know what to do anymore. auuutttuuummnn: whats that supposed to mean Auto response from andreanicole7149: ugh, whatever andreanicole7149: nothing auuutttuuummnn: that doesn't seem like nothing andreanicole7149: it is auuutttuuummnn: then why the hell would you even put htat andreanicole7149: cause thats how i feel right now auuutttuuummnn: why andreanicole7149: idk, just do auuutttuuummnn: wow thanks andreanicole7149: ? auuutttuuummnn: im glad to know you're happy to be here andreanicole7149: i am auuutttuuummnn: obviously fucking not andreanicole7149: did i say that i wasnt happy to be here? andreanicole7149: no. auuutttuuummnn: well you're just kind of being a jerk now andreanicole7149: no andreanicole7149: not trying to bed andreanicole7149: be* auuutttuuummnn: well you're acting really rude andreanicole7149: how auuutttuuummnn: because i asekd you a question and you said nothing deliberatly because you know it makes me mad andreanicole7149: up there? or when auuutttuuummnn: um like 10 minutes ago andreanicole7149: angry sex time:-) auuutttuuummnn: and when you post away messages like that it pisses me off andreanicole7149: sorry, it just seems like youre in a funk, we're just laying here barely talking auuutttuuummnn: you were doing your stuff auuutttuuummnn: and you acting like this just pisses me off andreanicole7149: and your talking to some boy that your afraid to tell your gay auuutttuuummnn: i already toldh im auuutttuuummnn: were not even talking anymore auuutttuuummnn: and that has absoultley nothing to do with you, its my business to tell people auuutttuuummnn is away at 6:44:29 PM. auuutttuuummnn returned at 6:46:12 PM. auuutttuuummnn is away at 6:46:40 PM. auuutttuuummnn returned at 6:48:05 PM. auuutttuuummnn is away at 6:49:06 PM. andreanicole7149: i do care. just cause i had "ugh whatever" didnt mean i was mad at you, i just feel like im in a funk, thats it, im sorry youre upset but if you dont wanna talk then i'll be here when you do Auto response from auuutttuuummnn: stooopppp, leave me alone. no one fucking cares anyway. Auto response from andreanicole7149: lost and delirious time :-):- auuutttuuummnn: whatever auuutttuuummnn: its really shitty of you to not even act like you fucking care when i get upset andreanicole7149: i do care, i tried to talk about it but you wanna be left alone, or so you say auuutttuuummnn: bullshit, you don't fucking care. go figure. you werej ust a jerk about it. because when i'm crying you just can't fucking hug me or be nice about something andreanicole7149: you were mad at me auuutttuuummnn: i was just mad auuutttuuummnn: and you made it worse andreanicole7149: im sorry andreanicole7149: i know youre upset but so am i, so now youre taking it out on me because i wasnt making you feel better when i was already upset auuutttuuummnn: why were you upset andreanicole7149: it doesnt matter, right auuutttuuummnn: if i ask you a queswtion, answer it andreanicole7149: you dont do that for me, so thats not fair auuutttuuummnn: do you want to make this fucking worse? auuutttuuummnn: because thats what you're doing auuutttuuummnn: i was going to tell you but youi're just going to end up making me shut you out worse andreanicole7149: alright, im sorry. auuutttuuummnn: don't fucking type it, i'm right here, don't be a coward. but if you're just going to be a jerk then don't even bother. andreanicole7149: im going to watch my movie, im sorry, we both should be for acting like this, im going to go back to watching my movie, when you want to talk about it and understand that i am sorry, then we'll talk andreanicole7149: i love you auuutttuuummnn: sooo that means that you cant talk to me without being a jerk? good to know. andreanicole7149: that is not what i said. auuutttuuummnn: i said talk to me unless you're going to be a jerk auuutttuuummnn: so.. yeah auuutttuuummnn: im glad to know how much making me feel better means to you auuutttuuummnn: that kind of hurts andreanicole7149: no, if you reread what i said, youll see that i didnt want to talk about it over this andreanicole7149: if we're gonna talk, itll be out loud auuutttuuummnn: no shit auuutttuuummnn: so start fucking talking andreanicole7149: how about you tell me whats wrong. auuutttuuummnn: cavin auuutttuuummnn: i already told you andreanicole7149: details. auuutttuuummnn: oh my god apparently you're iliterate or something, or you just don't care that i actually want to talk. andreanicole7149: thanks auuutttuuummnn: well what the fuck am i supposed to think andreanicole7149: cavin. thats whats wrong, there could be many things that have to do with him that could make you upset auuutttuuummnn: fucking talk to me. can you not comprehend that? auuutttuuummnn: ok, nevermind. you're fucking s tubborn and don't give a shit about me when im upset. auuutttuuummnn returned at 7:11:11 PM. andreanicole7149: i love the way my fingers just fall into yours. i love how your taste still lingers on my lips after that special goodnight kiss. i love how whenever i go to call someone i automatically dial your number. i love how you look at me with those gorgeous eyes and then you smile that sweet smile. and i know right there, that you will always be mine. i love how you hug me with the intention of never let- ting go. i love you more than words could ever show. auuutttuuummnn: right Auto response from andreanicole7149: & all i need right now is for you to wrap me up in your arms, look me in the eyes, & tell me you won't ever give up andreanicole7149: dont say anything at all if your gonna say stuff like that andreanicole7149: i hate it when you doubt me. andreanicole7149: but i should be used to it auuutttuuummnn: and i should be used to you not acting liek you give a shit andreanicole7149: i do give a shit actually. auuutttuuummnn: because youre STILL not acting like it andreanicole7149: you told me to shut the fuck up. auuutttuuummnn: i said shut up becuase you were talking loud and i didnt want my parents to hear andreanicole7149: ok so we cant talk about it out loud, at least im fucking trying here auuutttuuummnn: no you just cant have a conversation without yelling at me andreanicole7149: i wasnt yelling. auuutttuuummnn: yeah, you were, which is why i said shut up andreanicole7149: alright auuutttuuummnn: maybe you should just sleep in the other room tonight andreanicole7149: no andreanicole7149: im not sleeping without you auuutttuuummnn: excuse me? andreanicole7149: im not sleeping without you. auuutttuuummnn: why andreanicole7149: i cant auuutttuuummnn: you dont even associate with me auuutttuuummnn: i dont see what the big deal would be andreanicole7149: yes i do. auuutttuuummnn: you dont care when im upset or crying, you just fucking laid there and put in our headphones auuutttuuummnn: how the fuck do you think that made me feel? andreanicole7149: you told me you didnt want to talk about it, i figured id give you your space auuutttuuummnn: i was crying and you turned over and put in headphones. tahts really just heartless. andreanicole7149: mixed signals much? andreanicole7149: you didnt want to talk about, your mom kept coming in, what else was i supposed to do auuutttuuummnn: act like my fucking girlfriend andreanicole7149: i was trying. auuutttuuummnn: my mistake to expect so much out of you auuutttuuummnn: no, no you were not trying. ive seen you try before and THAT was just ignoring me. andreanicole7149: you know how much i hate it when you say that auuutttuuummnn: its the fucking truth. andreanicole7149: i wasnt ignoring you, you told me to leave you alone andreanicole7149: did you not auuutttuuummnn: i really dont recall saying the words leave me alone, but if you say so andreanicole7149: ok you said you didnt wanna talk about it andreanicole7149: so i thought if i keep asking its only gonna piss her off more auuutttuuummnn: yeah because i was fucking crying. you're supposed to try and make me feel better, but blow me off. thats inconsiderate. auuutttuuummnn: not* andreanicole7149: i wasnt blowing you off, i was giving you time andreanicole7149: i thought thats what you wanted, im sorry auuutttuuummnn: no, you were blowing me off. andreanicole7149: no, that wasnt my intention auuutttuuummnn: i felt really fucking hurt, and ignored, and really unloved andreanicole7149: you sent me mixed signals, god auuutttuuummnn: again, i am so sorry that i expected so muc hout of you andreanicole7149: sorry that im a terrible girlfriend auuutttuuummnn: sorry that im not worth enough to care about andreanicole7149: thats not true auuutttuuummnn: that sure as hell is how i feel auuutttuuummnn: you're still not trying auuutttuuummnn: you're arguing still andreanicole7149: im not trying to auuutttuuummnn: you're sure as hell not trying to make anything better auuutttuuummnn: because al that matters is that YOU'RE right andreanicole7149: well after i get done being upset, ill try auuutttuuummnn: fuck the fact that im unhappy, that doesn't matter at all. andreanicole7149: me too andreanicole7149: since im the one crying now, we'll talk when im done auuutttuuummnn: ugh whatever auuutttuuummnn: see you have to make everything about you andreanicole7149: yeah auuutttuuummnn: why are you crying auuutttuuummnn: i mean honestly andreanicole7149: cause you never believe me, im fucking trying and your saying im not auuutttuuummnn: because your best friend just bitched you out? because your girlfriend doesnt care about you? auuutttuuummnn: oh wait no thats me auuutttuuummnn: i know you care in general, and i give you credit for the fact that you've been doing better andreanicole7149: ok, this is doing no good, all this is doing is making it worse auuutttuuummnn: yeah because all i do is make everything worse auuutttuuummnn: thanks andreanicole7149: that is not what i said auuutttuuummnn: bullshit auuutttuuummnn: you just fucking said that andreanicole7149: i meant the fighting is making it worse not you andreanicole7149: i did not say you were making it worse auuutttuuummnn: why am i not worth just dropping an argument? why can't you just realize that im hurt and try to make me feel better? auuutttuuummnn: ... thats what i thought auuutttuuummnn: ill never understand how someone that makes me feel so loved and so happy, makes me feel so insignificant and worthless sometimes auuutttuuummnn: i told cavin that i was upset about the fact that he was broadcasting the fact that we had sex because i have specifically said that i didn't want people knowing and htat it was a mistake. he replied by telling me that it happened, and he was allowed to tell whoever the fuck i want, and even though it is still my business, he didnt care. i told him taht i was going to tell you on my own time, because it was a big and hard thing for me to admit and i wasnt ready to do it yet. and he told me that by the way our relationship seemed, you weren't going to stay with me long enough for me to get the chance to tell you because you apparently don't show the slightest bit of interest in me or act like you care. Auto response from andreanicole7149: & all i need right now is for you to wrap me up in your arms, look me in the eyes, & tell me you won't ever give up auuutttuuummnn: no dont bother responding andreanicole7149: well he's wrong, and you're wrong too. auuutttuuummnn: why am i wrong auuutttuuummnn: not that im surprised to hear you say that auuutttuuummnn: im always wrong in some way andreanicole7149: you doubt my feelings. auuutttuuummnn: where were your feellings mentioned anywhere in there auuutttuuummnn: from my perspective andreanicole7149: you obviously believe him somewhat andreanicole7149: or you wouldnt get so upset auuutttuuummnn: he called me a worthless gullible dyke auuutttuuummnn: that stings al ittle coming from a best friend auuutttuuummnn: and im sick of hearing that from so many people andreanicole7149: he's a typical guy for one thing, he knows what to say to hurt you, and how can you even consider him a best friend auuutttuuummnn: i dont need this from you, who of all people should not lecture on friends andreanicole7149: sorry, i was trying to help. auuutttuuummnn: by making me feel shittier? auuutttuuummnn: yeah that is really effective andreanicole7149: i wasnt meaning to, i was trying to get you to see that what he says shouldnt matter auuutttuuummnn: yeah that sounded like it. andreanicole7149: sorry, didnt work the way i had hoped. auuutttuuummnn: shocker auuutttuuummnn: well i told you, so i hope you're happy now. i got in a fight with another friend defending you. andreanicole7149: i didnt ask you to do that, i dont expect you to defend me andreanicole7149: you seem to defend me a lot but you also seem to tear me down, deep and hard, i dont cry anymore autumn, its something i dont do. auuutttuuummnn: i dont care if you expect me to or not. the fact is that you mean more to me than any of my friends do, and theyre usually wrong anyway. i love my friends and i hate fighting with them, but i love you and you are worth it to me. auuutttuuummnn: and you tear me down just as much if not more andreanicole7149: when do i ever tell you that you do something wrong auuutttuuummnn: well you just told me that i was making this conversation worse andreanicole7149: show me. auuutttuuummnn: andreanicole7149: ok, this is doing no good, all this is doing is making it worse andreanicole7149: i did not say "you are doing no good, you are making this worse" andreanicole7149: so no i did not auuutttuuummnn: ok fuck it, nevermind. im through with defending myself because it doesn't do anygood. im always wrong, you're always right. i always over react and i'm just a big baby. don't worry, i wont make you deal with my problems anymore or even let you knwo that i have any. if im upset about something, ill keep it to myself, because that seems to be the source of all our fights. auuutttuuummnn: no, dont. auuutttuuummnn: just stop. andreanicole7149: i love you. i wont fight with you anymore about this, i wont say anything else about it, if thats what you want and thats what will make it better, thats all i want to do. auuutttuuummnn: whether you intend to or not, you hurt me. when i feel like i need you the most i feel like you turn your back on me. and ill get over that im sure. auuutttuuummnn: i dont expect you to understand that. you don't even have to care. its my own personal issues i guess. auuutttuuummnn: i really dont even know what to say. auuutttuuummnn: ok... thats what i thought. thanks. auuutttuuummnn: no auuutttuuummnn: dont bother saying anything auuutttuuummnn: im done andreanicole7149: i cant say anything to you, you either dont care or dont believe me...what do you mean your done auuutttuuummnn: again, my fault. auuutttuuummnn: apparently i just cant do naything right auuutttuuummnn: even when i'm hurt... its still my fault andreanicole7149: ok no here, i dont know what to say, cause i dont say anything right, i cant make it better. andreanicole7149: there its my fault. auuutttuuummnn: i knwo you dont mean that auuutttuuummnn: and thats not true andreanicole7149: i do mean that auuutttuuummnn: you know how to make it better, you have before. auuutttuuummnn: you just dont care enough to auuutttuuummnn: and i dont understand that andreanicole7149: not while im upset andreanicole7149: i do care!!!! auuutttuuummnn: i dont understand why i don't mean enough to you for you to care about me to want to make me feel better auuutttuuummnn: im sorry im not enough... i always wanted to be. i try to be. Auto response from andreanicole7149: & all i need right now is for you to wrap me up in your arms, look me in the eyes, & tell me you won't ever give up auuutttuuummnn: i dont know... maybe you should just sleep in the other room. auuutttuuummnn: just know that i love you regardless of everything thats my girlfriend, autumn.. i can never say the right thing, but if i dont try then "i dont care" but if i do try she tells me that she doesnt wanna talk about it. i need help. i need to know how to be right for her. i love her, but in her eyes all i do is blame her and mess up. whos in the wrong here? her or i? i feel so lost and alone, nobody understands how i feel, nobody could even if they tried. am i really the bad guy?

why do i always feel like i need someone to be happy, why am i such a freaking whore when it comes to dating girls?! i dont understand, in the past year that ive been out and openly dating girls, ive dated 9. thats a lot. i mean in that course of time emma was 8 months all together and morgan was 5 months but during the breakups there were others...thats bad. it makes me seem like a humongous whore. ive been single for a couple weeks now, in that time ive kissed 3 girls and have had sex with 1. 2 weeks and 3 girls. Why do i this to myself?! all it does is make me even more unhappy because at the end of the day, im still alone. i dont have one person to call my own, not one person that completes me..i think i know who that person is though, but shes not ready to be with me yet, she just got out of a 3 month relationship and shes taking time to get over her....why cant i do that? emma and my 8 month relationship was hard on me but i still went off and fell for morgan..but now im having trouble, its not so easy anymore, girls arent lying at my feet begging for a chance and thats all because they know all theyll be is rebound...im always in a relationship, im always fucking someone, or im always kissing on someone...im just still waiting for the day when that all will be real...and not just something to fill the emptiness...

I never know what to expect with her, one moment she's expressing her love to me, saying how she can't be without me and how she's not really living without me...then she's ignoring my calls, and telling me she hates me. She always takes it back, she always has a reason..but it hurts. It hurts me. I don't know which words to believe, to trust in. When we're together I feel the intensity of our love. It's there and it's real. But I sometimes feel like I can't go through the hard times of he treating my like dirt, sometimes I want to throw in the towel, but I cant, I tried, but I came back. She let me go, I tried being with someone else, someone who got me, who would have given me the world. But I couldn't settle. I love Morgan, I love her with all that I am, and no matter what she does to me, I will always love her, and I will NEVER leave. I know deep down she loves me, so even though she does the things she does, she loves me. And that's all that matters, right?

so lastnight i was awakened 5 times by my girlfriend calling me... and each time she started out by saying "i cant sleep". the first time i asked her why and she said shes been thinking...about me...and she couldnt stop. the next time she called she told me she loved me, and she appreciated everything that i do for her. WOAH! did i just hear those words from her mouth, ive gotta be dreaming?!!? nope, she said it. she went into this long speech about how she was laying there thinking about how much i really do for her and how in everything i do, it has to do with her in some way and how im ALWAYS thinking about her (WOAH SHE GETS IT?!) she told me she wanted to change and be more like me... (cause honestly i do everything for this girl) i dont know if i want her to change, i mean yeah, being less moody might be nice but i like being the one who takes care of her, she's my princess, i want to do everything.but anyways as she kept going... she goes...."andrea i love you" and i told her that i loved her too and she said "no andrea I LOVE you, like really LOVE you" i about cried. im the one to normally express my feelings, she does but not so much...so whenever i do hear it from her, its amazing. she told me she realizes that because she doesnt tell me how she feels that much, i worry. shes right, if she told me how she felt more often then i wouldnt worry...but after lastnight it took so much weight off my shoulders, i heard the sincerity in her voice...i know she means it and i know the way she looks at me when we're together shows she loves me also. i trust her now more than i ever have. so to my previous entry about me wondering who to believe, its her. shes not gonna cheat on me or hurt me. she loves me. i see it and i feel it. and its the most amazing feeling in the world, to be loved by the person you're in love with.

i dont know what im doing anymore, why do i put myself through the things i do? ive hurt the people who would have given the world to me. i miss them. i'll never get them back. ive had my fair share of karma...and i was told today by being with the girl im with now...im still "getting what i deserve"..what does that mean? why do i deserve this, i messed up in the past but who doesn't?..and i dont know who to believe...my ex who tells me morgan is liar, cheater, and will always be a deceitful person. or morgan who told me just lastnight "let your guard down andrea, im not gonna hurt you, give me your heart, its safe with me" .what am i supposed to believe? for ONCE in my life i trust someone with my whole heart..and now i hear that maybe i shouldnt? i know emma doesnt matter, she's never mattered...i let go probably the most important person in my life to be with emma...and what did i get? a broken heart...nothing else...nothing from emma and is relationship was worth the pain she put me through...we both messed up but i learned...she never did...so why am i letting what she says get to me? why cant i just be happy? and not worry about people say about morgan...or the relationship i have with her..