why is my life so complicated? i just want to get along with my mother for one day, have non back-stabbing friends, and have M like me. that's all i want right now. all i want. and i don't have any of it. can someone get me that for christmas?

there are 75 people in my class and about half of those are boys. that makes about 1 in 17 boys that are actually hott and likeable and wonderful, which makes 2 in my class. I've liked one of these boys since about 5th grade (pathetic i know). at the beginning of this year i thought he liked me. he makes about any excuse to touch me, talks to me all the time, is gorgeous, basicaly we flirt allll the time. unfortunately, one of my friends is tall and blond and super-skinny and surprise surprise, he asked her out. so they're still together, though they're pretty rocky right now. so because she's one of my best friends i end up hanging out with those guys all the time, and the more i get to know him the more i like him. seriously, there's nothing about him i don't like. he's amazing. 5'10 or 11, hazel eyes, blond, built, ahh, so gorgeous. he seems like he really likes me and i know i'm on his list of top 5 girls, but if he likes me that much then why hasn't he asked me out?? such mixed signals are being thrown at me right now. and then my other predicament is that even if they were to break up and him ask me out then i still shouldn't say yes because she's my friend and friend's exes are so off limits, but honestly i almost care about him more than her. i know that sounds so terrible but it's true and it's not like anyone who actually knows me is gonna read this diary so w/e, i don't care. on to the second guy. he likes one of my friends, but when he thought she like hated him he liked me. then as soon as that girl found out he liked me now she made chelsea tell him that she did like him after all, just so he wouldn't like me anymore and ould like her, even though she can't date anyway. so she would rather he was completely wasted and nothing with them can happen instead of letting him have a real relationship. she always is competing with me, with grades, looks, boys, everything. this is like the first guy that's liked her and she is a total bitch to him and really controlling, and i don't see why he likes her when she's that mean to him. i also dont see why, if she likes him back, she would be that mean anyway. so the other night, me, him, chelsea, and the girl he likes were all at his house and i was on one side of him and the girl he likes was on the other side and he put an arm around booth of us. so i grabbed the hand that was around my shoulders. then he started pouting like he kinda does a lot and got up and moved away a little later. later he told my friend the girl he likes that he was just so sad because he knows she likes him and he likes her but they can't go out so he was just really sad about that, and also that he was scared i was hitting on him. BUT HE LIKED ME ANYWAY AND HE PUT HIS FREAKING ARM AROUND ME BEFORE I DID ANYTHING!!! WHY would he do that if he didn't want me to touch him???!!! i'm so mad about that. you might have noticed that my "feeling" for this one was BLONDE. that's because i feel like an idiot for wanting guys that don't want me. no, scratch that. they both want me but they both want someone else more. someone please comment me. i need some advice, expecially on whether or not if my first guy and his gf break up if it would be okay for me to date him. they haven't gotten into it(kissing, etc.) but they've been going out for kinda long. i really don't want to hurt my friend but i want him so much. he isn't just some guy to me.

i got out of school at 11:15 today, so obviously, i was in a really good mood. then i went to get my first haircut in like 5-6 months. i don't know what it is, but i always get nervous before i get one. i don't know, i guess i think my hair is gonna get really screwed up or something. plus, today i was going to a new stylist, shannon, so i was nervous about her too, cause i didn't know how good she was. so i went, and... IT LOOKS SO GOOD!!!!! i'm in shock,seriously. this is my best haircut EVER. i'm so happy. maybe i'm really superficial, but i don't even care b/c my hair looks so damn good. it's so pretty!!! it's still long but it has all these really awesome layers around my face. the shortest one is to my lips when i pull it down. i just feel so great. all these people were staring at me when i went out to lunch. it made me feel so pretty!!! i love haircuts!!!! i love shannon!!!!

wow. ok. i'm alright now. i almost just had a heartattack when i saw "scott" on my friends list. i was all "HELL no!!" i thought it was my scott. me & scott got in trouble for doin some stuff a while ago, so we weren't allowed to talk but we were still goin out. we ended up communicating with some site, cause our parents were watching our email. we got caught, and now my parents are super-cautious about where i go online and who i talk to, not that i'd want to talk to him now anyway. so i would have been really screwed if that had been him. because #1: that would mean that he'd seen my first entry, which is totally not cool because... just read it. and because #2: my parents wouldn't believe that i didn't want him to see it, and i would get grounded for trying to secretly communicate with him. so ya, in conclusion, i am really glad that it was a different scott////

hey.. so today was totally uneventful. i just got over a bad case of bron...something, which is when you have this terrible sore throat and cough and nose issues and everything. i'm finally almost better but good ol' mom said that i shouldn't be going out today, so i didn't go anywhere. that's okay though, i've been bonding with my dogs and my couch. haha. i did go out to dinner though with my mom and sister, and that was fun. we went shopping, which i haven't done in forever. I MISSED AN ENTIRE WEEK OF SCHOOL when i was sick. that work is gonna be fun to make up! not. i missed my iSTEPs too. ALL OF THEM. next week will be really busy with all my old work and new assignments. it really won't be too bad though; i did a lot of the work already. it won't be bad to be busy after a week of sitting on my ass. a cosmetics counter lady told me i had pretty skin today. no one's ever told me that before, and it made me feel really good cause that's not something i would normally think about myself. in the car i was upset, and i kinda zoned out and wrote some lines in my head: smiling through the pain laughing through the tears once upon a time with you i had no fears memories of an unbroken heart haunt me in my sleep always in my dreams i know i'll wake to weep but i'd never let you see it the pain i keep inside you shattered me in pieces i hope at least you tried ...what do you think? i miss my friends!! i haven't seen anyone in 6 days!! the only people i've seen are my family and today when i went out for like 2 hrs. some of my GOOD friends have been calling me, checking up on me and telling em news, so i'm not completely cut off at least. i was pissed at one of my friedns the other day though. i was talking to her and she was being super bitchy-sarcastic. she was all, "are you dead? it's not like we all just sit around like , 'oh, we miss briana.'" etc. i mean, kidding that would have been fine, but she really wasn't. and she was mad at my other awesome friend who she's "friends" with because she wasn't invited to her party. i was nice to her and heard her out about it, but i don't even care. i don't blame my friend for not inviting her. she's a huge BITCH.she's like a leech; i keep trying not to be friends with her but she just HANGS ON. we've been friends since like preschool, and i liked her better then. she has her good moments though i guess. shoot, i have to go. it's a quarter to midnight and my dad's on my back to go to bed. see ya all lata. xoxo

hey. i'm kinda depressed right now but really happy at the same time.... does that make any sense? probably not. i'm depressed cause i'm just not feelin so hott, and i'm happy cause i think my ex, Scott, just dumped or got dumped by his new gf of exactly nine days. ha. Ha. HA! lol. i went out with him for nine months, and then when i dumped him because he was driving me up a wall he wouldn't even talk to me for a while. but the thing is when someone's a part of your life for so long and then they just drop out of it you miss them.... a lot. i don't know why i missed him. cause honestly he was pervy, NOT cute, egotistical and really just not that bright. i guess i didn't miss him exactly, i just missed the idea of him. the idea of having someone there to hold me and love me and be there for me. i missed having a boyfriend. i still do. and THEN the little f*er IMs me one day and is like "i got a girlfriend." okay, how LOW does someone have to be to tell their ex that they got someone new?? that's just stupid. and then of course i did exactly what he wanted me to do, i got pissed. i wasnt pissed cause he got a gf, i mean the girl is really pretty and nice and everything, i think i was just pissed cause as my best friend EVER carolyn said, i "wanted him to want me." which is true i guess. but i wish it wasn't. i once heard that the number of years you loved someone times two is the number of years it takes you to get over them. i really hope that's not true, cause i think i'm already over him. but if it is true, i guess i'll be getting over scott in July of 2007. ladies and gentlemen, lets start the countdown.