..today was a strange day. it started when i got up this morning, i had one of the best dreams of my life. it was about arin... that he had he wasnt really dead and it was all a mistake. and i went to see him at someones house and i gave him the biggest hug and told him that i loved him so much. he was so strange in my dream, so quiet and so like paleish? so gentle and so awesome. it made me really happy when i woke up.. but i was soon sad because i knew it wasnt true. and then today.. i went to school, it was the same.. as always.. until science when i have it with my best friend, inga. and she brought up that exactly one month ago, arin had been in the car crash. now, i dont know thats up with that. i havnt had a dream in like.. FOREVER. that i remember anyways. and the one dream i have about arin was on the day he died one month earlier. i scare myself sometimes.. i think i see him watching me or something. i think i want to see him so bad that i invision him standing somewhere watching me. i miss him so much. and i still dont understand why it had to be. but becasue of this, so many things have changed. all of his friends have gotten closer.. and i can talk to more people now. and it makes me not joke about death anymore like saying "im going to kill you" or something, i try not to anymore. because joking about death isnt worth it when it happens. it also makes me mad when people come ask me about the buttons we have of arin that say things he used to say.. and they dont get it. and they ask if its my boyfriend or soemthing or laugh at the saying.. (they are pretty funny) but they dont know about it.. i wish everyone knew about it so people wouldnt have to make us feel the way we feel. and then of course, all of my classes we have to do stuff about friendship. and who your best friends are. and car crashes and why its good to wear your seat belt and why you should, and what will happen if you dont. and its just hard. its like we are going through some test, to see who is the strongest. i want him back so bad. i wanna hug him soo much. i loved my dream. i dont ever wanna forget it. all this has also made me think tiwice about getting in arguements with people. or saying goodbye or anything. because, it really could be the last time you ever see that person. i dont know what to do anymore. nothing really, i guess we just have to keep moving on. one step at a time and day at time.... on a better note. i planted my peas today. -nicole. leave a comment please.