my life isn't quite right. i'm positive there's something wrong with me. Is jealousy a sickness? if not, why the hell does it happen to me all the time and for the stupidest reasons too... she talked to her not me... a few laughs here, a kick in the ass there. how about this gaining weight deal. i think the universe is designing against any and all of my desires... especially gravity, he's loads of fun. Why isn't he here? Mostly because i don't even know who 'he' is. It's defenitly a mr. darcy however, i probably hate him now but, boy will he sweep me off my feet. the man who came up with money is going to get his ankles sliced and his head chopped off because he made it soo damn important to everyone. Who doesn't need money? i don't care what you say, everyone wants, needs and uses money. the only goal i've had all summer is how do i get more of this universal monster? i'm going to accomplish it all. i'm going places that all these idiots won't believe. i'm leaving anything and everything behind...all of this shit.

Lilly lake was great! i love vacations with heather, they're pretty much the best things ever (CALIFORNIA!). let's see....what did that include? lesbians, vodka, kayaks, jordanelle resovoir.... yet another flat tire, taby the wild octopus, sex in the tent (shudder) and new chacos! i love everything. my birthday was great...mostly because i got it off of work and i did whatever i wanted. Plus every present i got was awesome! it's great to be 17. yes yes yes. california can't come soon enough. I'm working my eyes out so that i have the money i need for everything i need...mostly freedom from the inescapibly mundane and the taciturn lifestyle. what is it with boys anyway? am i cursed or just plain unattractive? damn...

Africa! defenitly made my life better to have this prospect placed before me... yes, yes, yes. it's way motivating to think of traveling (to africa). i'll be willing to do it all, stupid jobs, idiots, scrounging it's all worth it! i talked to her, well emailed her. i feel better about saying sorry but i'm not sure i want to be friends, which is horrible of me, but i really don't know about her. do i feel good about the situation or not? i can't decide. the smallest thing changes my mind. inexplicable summer fling anyone?

i'm not sure what i want. boy? religion? beauty? it's all confused inside. not that it's a choice between all of those it's more of a decision on which i'd like and what to focus on. anyway, friday was amazing! i haven't been to a park in forever and i loved it! super fun..and that lifeguard was cute...my goodness. jackson hole isa coming...i'm excited out of my mind. i love vacation and playtime... their almost synonomous but with their paticular variances.. i'm ready....but what for?

I'm so close to the end.. of swim lessons working nonstop stress yay for vacation! i hope we work it all out. we should defenitly plan this a bit more. I love spontinaity(sp?) as much as the next person but really it needs a little help. i'll be honest. work isn't really that bad, it's just all about the stupid people that work there and all their stupid drama. it's time to build a box....to put them in, which we'll then push over the cliff of their own insaneity. things to think/worry over: trips money italy projects idiots family drama undecided love ....then i'll talk about relaxing

Suzie....i went through a million choices. anyway, i'm feeling....bleh, why?? well i think it's partly because i'ma confused about everything and it's a mess, quite honestly. what sucks the worst is not knowing what i don't know...make sense? k, it's like i'm confused about being confused...i think. wow, i don't even know but i hope to find a solution to this unknown problem. Do i like him anymore? or is it one of those can't let it go kinda things? who knows, but i have a feeling it has to do with me wanting a really good friend, paticularly a man friend. i just want it all to turn out alright...with out anything embarassing or regretable happening. why did steve have to be so perfect?

i'm not sure what's going on. it'll be alright but it's a little harry mess to deal with. yipes. i'm not sure about that man anymore, or any for that matter. i just want someone to tell me where i'm going and let it be easy...cause i'll just start working towards going there. sigh, if only such a world... i really dont even know what i'm trying to say. that's okay i guess, but i'd like to be clear on just one thing. yeah, right... Last night was way cool though. I've never felt so.... spontaneous? i don't know, it just felt right for this time and boy was swimming naked fun. mmmmhmmmm.

i can't decide who i like...i've never actually liked this many people before. A little strange. red headed funny man? wyoming squirrel hunter? curly haired bandit? always elusive boy? ...huh

i feel pretty. i haven't felt like that in a long time. lets do this more often..

I don't have any words to describe the euphoric state i'm currently in.. no more ap homework/study/hell means HAPPINESS. i've found there's a direct correlation between the two complete opposites Oh how i love outside-ness. Biking, hiking, volleyball, sunshine and smiles. It's all soo welcome after winter. so if he wants to go with someone else that's okay...wait, what am i saying!?? I'd cry myself to sleep until i died if that happened...but maybe it'd be okay..hmmmm....Nope, nope defenitly not.

i'm finally studied and it feels freakin good. it takes a load off to be doing something about the "PROBLEM" biking is just great, i now know why i like it so much. It feels so good i hope to gain that confidence back instead of slowing having it torn down, piece by piece until not but a facade remains. Not that there's that much there anyway. "Never look through others eyes, fault is all that's found. Look through your own eyes to see beauty, because it's only yourself you need to astound"

I don't think i can study like they want me to...it's just not in my programming seriously, i can't sit hour on end for 3 weeks. It's not humane, i just know it isn't. i love the current weather however, it's fabulous. Friday is going to be sweet...like raindrops on roses. Not just sweet phenomenol. Mm mm mm...

I loved yesterday...and today..so fabulous and warm. it's like happiness all over the place. that kite is my new hero. It flew like it would never come down...which in inevitably did however. We should always be this way...there's so much fun to be had and too little time alloted for such frivality..hmmm...

interesting conclusion spring = happiness i haven't really been happy for a while, not sad but almost expectant. I suppose it was for spring because i feel great now...all sorts of excited. i just don't want to be so busy anymore...too much to do (or SHOULD be doing) happiness isn't busy-ness...it's feeling content and accomplished with the things you do

I'm so excited for the rest of my life! I've decided that high school is a crutch...used to attempt scenarios of what happens when you leave it's sheltered walls..but really...that isn't true. Highschool the place isn't what teaches you so much...it's who you met what you do outside of school and where you go that dictate the knowledge you receive... Concluding- i'm freaking excited to get on with the rest of life after highschool. It's almost like going to a bottle as a baby...you just got to suck it up and suck that bottle.

i'm getting sick. of all the cursed things to happen. It always does- whenever it's MOST unconvenient - EVERY TIME. just wait. my wedding day and i'll have pnemonia and be missing a leg. It's going to warm up this weekend though..that's fabulous. the test was terrible. I REALLY don't know anything...goodness. oh well, sae la vie...at least i think so

That was an awesome concert! i've never danced the night away in such a manner. i hope that happens again...real soon. I'm glad i was faced with that decision actually. it helped me to know what i really want i what i don't. Yeah for life experience I love everyone i just decided. I hope that makes someone feel as good as i do now. I don't know why i feel so good now, i just feel better when i'm not trapped in the supposed atmosphere of knowledge..more of an eternal headache honestly that conversation made a lot of sense. I hope i remember i live up to what they told me.

I got matt the coolest present! excitement doth course amist every vein. "MARVEL SUPERHEROES!!" wow. this is a busy week. present, ski night, birthdays, shopping...let's not forget all the jokes and good times i'm trying to squeeze inbetween. oh boy i hope that i don't make a mistake or ruin the whole thing. I'd dwell in regret. Maybe just let it be what it'll be and none to the otherwise...but nonwithstanding a little hope that things may take a twirl in that general direction

i don't think i can pass that test! i've never had a class that i've studied and stressed so much over...and i don't even know anything! i don't know if i can study 2-who knows how many hours a day for 2 months for this ONE DAMN TEST!!!!! AAAAAAAAAaaaahh that's all but i do start my job on friday and i might be going to salt lake, WOO!

it's almost the end...i don't think i can wait. Gracious, i've never done so much homework in 5 days...or any days in my entire life. I think i need an award...like "longest time to keep ones eyes open" or "pencil cramped hand" award. something like that. i think we should do something slightly exciting...just kidding COMPLETELY EXCITING i meant. something so allconsumingly fabulous that the envy felt around the world could water a 1000 gardens...or something to that effect. *@#$%^!*#) - that's how much i LOVE school