I found his weak spot a day or two ago. He tries to be all hard and shit, like nothing effects him, like he can't recieve or something. It's been a little infuriating because it doesn't take much to break me down. But then I lightly nipped that beautiful tanned neck, mostly as an experiment. The effect was baffling. Breathing quickened and sounded lightly ragged. A light tremor kind of..rippled through his body. I kept going with my experiment. Running my mouth along his collar bone and pressing my lips deep under his jaw bone. He completely fell apart. Wimpering and all. Win.

So much energy. Not enough things to put it into. How's that... more energy than I know what to do with and how to channel it. I feel like a musical note. The flavor of sour grapes. A quick heart beat. Curly hair. Move slow. A record spinning. It happens tonight. I've had a little bit to much.

The sickness has come up on me and is strategically attacking me from the inside out. Congestion. Headaches. Nausea. I need to find a way to tell you that- I no longer feel the same. I don't want the same things that I said I did. I want more. I'm always ahead of you. Always running with one hand behind me pulling you along with me. Well, I don't want to be restricted like that. I need someone who can keep up, and someone who can take the lead from me every once in a while. Ha ha.. I really do hate this part.

To Do: 1) Work out -check 2) Laundry 3) Shower -check 4) Planner/Headphones -check 5) FHE -check -Plan my 21st- I need it to mean something. Just once I"d like to have a birthday that MEANT something-anything. 18 was supposed to be that birthday. It's not even memorable. Right now I'm trying to remember what I did to celebrate my 19th yr. of living and nothing comes to mind. I want a combination of classy but casual. I like the idea of cards, group games, board games, truth or dare. For decorations I'm thinking a combo of black and white- perhaps bright pink as an accent(still up for debate). I want a DISCO BALL! For food I'm thinking a whole bunch of pretty appetizers: -Chocolate covered strawberries with diamond sprinkles on the tips. -Caramel and green apple slices. -A variety of fruit smoothies. (Some with a zip!) Or maybe a rainbow of mixers and fun shot glasses. -fruit kabobs - A punch fountain! the Theme... maybe something like "Diamonds and Denim".. or.. "Rubik's Cube" Alright so I only have a few ideas but that's what the internet is for! All I want for my birthday.. is a sweet effing birthday party. And all those I invite to attend! (They're almost gone. Thank goodness)

The number 69 always reminds me of Kevin from The Office. Random thought, not at all what I want to write about at the moment. I just played 20 questions with my sister. It's been one of the most important games of my life. And I'm marking this day in history as one of my MOST important days ever! It makes her teeth clench when she writes in blue ink. What the?! I learned more about her in the last hour than I've known in years. Just a side note, by brother in law is a pig. And he's super mean to my dog. My dog's not stupid you prick- you fucking are. I'm secretly glad that you're moving to Texas. I wish I wasn't glad. But I am. Distracted. Alright, back on track. It's been an amazing day. And even though some of the things that she told me weren't all that happy or comforting.. I'm so glad that she opened up to me and let me know what's been going on.. even though I"ve actually known all along. It's not easy to hide some of the things she does. And what she says doesn't always come out as subtle as I'm sure she hopes. Huzpaz. That's all I gotta say. Huspaz.

Just a couple more modifications and the website will be up and running. Who knows if anything will come from it. But I came up with the idea and it flew incredibly well on paper so why not a website where it's open for more than fellow co-workers in Arizona! Everyone should benefit from it! I can't wait to get it up and running. The Grand Opening and what not! It making me happy. Why can't he?

The website is almost finished! _________________________________ "Explain" "Well he's just not the same, bored, tired, time wasting, upset" "So what would you suggest?" "I can't make your choices for you, I just thought you should see the other side" "Thanks for the enlightenment" "Sorry, I must sound like a jerk" "No, you just sound 17" "Oh... I AM 17" "Did I say that out loud?" "Yeah" "..Oh" You know it just never fails to appall me how many psycho's I've met and continue to meet along my merry little way. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Auditions for Psychotic Boyfriends Being Held All Year Long?" It's called a "break up". Which means that we broke up. I'm no longer with you, and you ARE NOT with me. I told you the truth, that I wasn't feeling it anymore. That I didn't want to do the long distance thing. That I had feeling for someone else and it was time for things to end. I did to you, what I would expect from you. Appreciate my honesty. Don't hate it. I went on my way- I just didn't want to hold back anymore. I'm with someone else now. Yeah we can stay friends. I'd like that. So why the (INSERT PROFANITY HERE)are you involving your younger brothers and sisters when it's NONE of their business. Don't tell your brothers and sisters to badger me- that's stupid. Are you serious? What kind of game is that? It doesn't make me feel guilty about leaving you- it flat out pisses me off. Son of a ... You're so 19.

Thailand "the land of smiles" The weather was sweltering. The sun always spitting hot. Wind was almost non existant. Clouds continually hid away from the sky, and there was no escaping the excellence of it all. The heat, the humidity, the jungle. Addictive in a sacred kind of way. Living in the jungle, amongst the Koran people (Burmese refugees) and doing as they do was one of the most fulfilling and testing things I've ever done. I've never gone and done Humanitarian Aid in a place so primitive and remote. Just somewhere deep in the jungle, along roads that can only be traveled by foot and are unceasingly steep and never seem to end. The rivers were glacial as the water ran down from the Himalayan Range, and the wildlife was thick. I've never seen so many gloriously colored insects, or been exposed to so many different and shocking cultural traditions and rituals. To live amongst these beautiful people; to set rat traps in the morning and frog traps at night, to go out and harvest our rice by hand, bath in the freezing river. No electricity what so ever and nothing more than a bamboo matt and a mosquito net... to live that way for a month was cleansing. I loved sitting around the fire in the center of the village, drinking our milo which was a luxury, and privilege, and gift. We'd gut the rats and screwer them onto the ends of small pieces of bamboo that we to had to carve. To roast them and then eat the tiny bits of meet of the legs and back.. and then watch the boys shove the entire head into their mouths.. all of it.. cleansing. It was beautiful. There were many things that I feel I don't ever need to see again in my life. The ritual pig killing for instance. All making a circle around the pig and the 4-5 fighters armed with cricket bats, beating the animal until it's head finally drooped and the heart stopped beating. I never need to witness something like that again. The belting, the screaming of the pig, the excitment of the villagers are drinking the scene it. I'm glad I was there, that I experienced it... but now it's done- and I won't ever participate in that again. When the couple we're caught in adultery and all the village stood around and wipped with him thin, sharp pieces of bamboo and then chased them out of the village, or when there was said to be a "glue sniffer" hiding in the forest and the men went out "hunting". It was a good experience, and getting fresh water to that beautiful village was something that will remain in my memory forever. I've never walked up such steep hills for that amount of distance. It was hard.. took us hours...days to get all the pipe to the water shed on top of the mountain. All in the heat of the day, covered head to toe as to not be eaten alive by mossies and black flies. Digging the trenches all the way back down to the village and connecting the pipe along the way. Heaving who knows how many bags of sand and piles of stone and gravel up the treacherous hills. Mixing the heavy cement and building the molds with which to make the tents. Every morning I woke up with something NEW sore every day. My neck.. my jaw even. Insane. But when we connected that last bit of pipe, and released the water into the village none of it mattered. None of it. Not the scratches, the infections, the food poinsoning, the insect bites, the ants in our food, the flea covered dogs sleeping around our heads, the shortage of food and water while we worked, all the inconvenience.. None of it mattered. And still doesn't matter. Because they have clean water for their animals, and more importantly.. themselves. What a beautiful country. What beautiful people. What a beautiful experience. Thank God I went.

Time has started to slow down and restlessness is starting to surface again. I'm not sure why by my anxiety has increased. My anxiety about life in general. I can't sit still, and when things start to slow down I spaz inwardly. The last couple days have... terrible. And I can't really explain why except that the days have just been dragging on and on. I started thinking about going home early. But when push comes to shove I'm about as likely to end this trip early as I am about to write a book on 80's shoelaces. It just isn't going to happen. And I guess that should comfort me- that no matter how I'm feelig or what I'd LIKE to do about it that I'm not going anywhere early.. Jan 29th will be rapidly approaching before I realize it and suddenly I'll be on my 747 back home and not know where all the time went. I just can't wait for Thailand- I'll be busting my body from sun up to dowm and I'll be.. BUSY. I can't wait, but I have to. So I'm filling my time with neverending workouts and walks in the sunshine. Research on the country and staying in touch with friends and family back home.. doing anything to get my mind of the holidays around the corner and the homesickness I'm BOUND to feel on that blessed Christmas day... I fed the kangaroos this morning. Things aren't that bad.

I raced along the beach and threw as many jellyfish back into the sea as possible. Who knew Australia could be so exhilerating!

Jan 9th. Me and you on the beach.

Alright. I just have to write this down somewhere. I don't love him. I wish that I still did. But I don't. I don't love him. I feel so disoriented. Coming home has been a bitch. I haven't seen anyone in 6 months and it's so interesting how no one changed. At all. Not the tiniest little bit. I thought that something would be different. Like maybe they weren't doing the same old shit anymore. That somehow we'd all progress at the same level together. I don't think I consciously thought that, but the shock was....jostling. And I mean I just haven't known what to do with myself. Except, just BE by myself. It's been good, I made some mocassins,sharped a coyote bone and everything to make the holes. Used a knife to cut out the lases from that gorgeous elk hide. I beaded some lovely blue flowers on them. I beaded my Hindu prayer bag. I've read countless books and have been working on my book. I've been deep cleaning and planning my trips. I can't believe I leave in just a day. What an adventure. To a place that I love but to people that.... I love but don't know. Don't really know how to feel. I haven't seem my aunts, uncles or cousins for about 8 yrs. And seeing them now is going to be interesting. But at least they're all busy so I won't have to spend too much time with them. There will be lots of alone time which is more my style these days anyways. Lots of beach and site seeing. Lots of volunteer work and opportunities to try new things. I'm looking forward to it. Not necessarily the travel though I love to fly... but once I get there and have recovered from jetlag- things will be good. I don't know how to connect with anyone at home anymore. And since I've been back it's become more and more clear that.. this chapter in my life is closed and I don't ever really need to open that up again. I craved wine today. I took advantage of how easy it was to get alcohol while in Arizona. It was just to easy. I can't believe we never got caught. Either we're clever, or they're stupid. Probably a combo of both. Sarah popped that piece of gum into her mouth and mine started watering when I could smell the berries. I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. IT just reminded me of Inoke and all the nights we spent together fooling around. Always taking things to far, but not caring in the morning because... for the most part we'd forgotten. What I wouldn't give for a bottle and his body tonight. What I wouldn't give. Ta'

Well I'm almost all the way packed. I leave in 2 days for the homeland.. and I won't be back for 2 months. Nothings sounds of feel better than this.

Well I'm almost all the way packed. I leave in 2 days for the homeland.. and I won't be back for 2 months. Nothings sounds of feel better than this.

So Chelsea is now dirt poor. I have about.. 28 cents to my name. Right Now. It's alright though. I'm going to Australia and Thailand FOR SURE now, and I have all the shots I'll need for almost the rest of my life. I HATE needles. I have all the attire I need for Arizona and a sturdy job to go back to so as to make the rest of the money I'll need before I leave for Australia in December. I'm getting out of Cache Valley which more than just a little relief off my back. And I'm heading down to see my awesome sister for a few days. Plus the soul mate and I are going to go dancing tomorrow night and I'll get to SEE the Dark Knight with her and Jas also. All of my stuff is laundered, packed and ready to go. My hair is cut I have all the new music I wanted. I withdrew from school for a year and have just about EVERYTHING under control for the time being. I may or may not have a check coming in the mail the next little while. All the junk they wouldn't give me until I fulfilled my contract! That should be another healthy couple hundred. That's what I'm banking on anyways. Now the only things to get done are.... ..putting my new software on my computer for my camera. Spending some time with Sarah and Emily. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Getting ready for the day and cleaning up my room. :)

I've had the same to-do list for the lat 3 days. I'm procrastinating. I only have a couple things left on it though. -Tithing. -New camera- camera card -Waitri attire -Thailand paperwork -Transferring money to AUS to get my flight with the rest of the crew. I guess things could be worse. I actually FINISHED all my laundry last night. And I guess I still need to repack. Tomorrow I head down to spend some time with Jasmin and then Saturday with Megan. Inoke on Sunday. Things are good. I spent time with my girl Caitlan, Alyssa and Melinda last night. The good times rolled. Time to start the list. ----------------------------------------------------------------- tithing check. Waitri apparel check. Camera check Tomorrow: transfer money's And get paperwork done.

I secretly want to be a stripper. And not just ANY old stripper, because as we know.... ANYONE can strip if they want to. A real one. A good one. A hot one. So that's what I'm going to be working on the next little while. I'll make Noke proud. Proud in a way that I could only appreciate from Noke. On a sadder note, I never got to see Guido before he took off for Israel again. He said he would be here. I waited. I called. I called again. I knocked on his door. He never responded. He never showed. And now he's gone. How much more of this am I going to take from him. Everything. Because I love him unconditionally, despite is follies and unnecessary hurt he sometimes causes me. I'm sure I've done the same- in smaller ways. Never like this, but ways none the less. I'm ready to move back to Arizona. I miss Mallory and Katie- we are going to become legends the last couple days we have together. It's going to be FANTASTIC. Some big ideas are coming together in the very near future. I miss my soul mate, and she's not answering her phone. Pop The Glock.

I'm back home. I've been here for like.. 15 hours and already things have taken a turn for the worse. My mom yelled at me and my sisters are already bitching about everything I do... All I've had time to do is shower, unback, do laundry and sleep. So I guess my very existance is enough to piss everyone here off. I'm heading back to the Grand Canyon. Training to be a waitress. I'm a little nervous I don't think I deal with customers in a good way. But they make alot of money and that's what this comes down to. I'm going back to Inoke. And yes.. it's not a good idea. I love the kid but I hate tasting rita while we make out. Silly boy. I wish I made better choices, but... this is my life and this is the way things have always been. I can try and change it. But it just goes back to the way things were. Jess and Nichelle were hideous today. I hated seeing them. To think that we were such good friends... and now.. nothin. Such is life.

There is no way in the world that anyone could be having a better UEA weekend that I am right now. Camping Shows Movies Longboarding Long naps in the sun Good tinfoil dinners More Camping Hiking Throwing chairs off huge rocks on top of mountains Practices [one] Man, it's been awesome. I wanna go longboarding again. Except I'm sure that people like veeder and bradey get frustrated because I'm not nearly as good as them. I'm glad they're patient though. Em taught me how to crouch and foot break and we practiced on D.H. hill. He drove by and we chit chatted for awhile. Then we moved onto a bigger hill. I almost freaked out and jumped off because the speed wobbles were kinda scary. It was cool though, I made it down, I wanna go again. Woo! Party.

The world has lost its sway.