Domino in his stall at Union Ridge: My sister's friend's horse, Freddie, who I braided for a horse trials this weekend: Tigger: The Disgruntled Pookie ^_^ :

I hate it when my parents come home from hospitals and dump large amounts of information on me, and then my mom gets annoyed that I don't talk to her about "my feelings." I don't like talking about my feelings. It's creepy. I don't really have any feelings anyways. I'm going to have to entertain my aunt for all of tomorrow because my mother is trailering for my sister's friend's mom who is in the hospitals with a migraine. Or something. This was supposed to be the year I got myself more normal and not so anti-social. And I was actually improving at first, but now I can't do it anymore. My dad might be rather under the weather for at least the next 6 months. My mom told me that there is a high probability of the cancer comming back for another two years. My grades are dropping and I'm sick yet again. I feel so exhausted. This world is not very safe. This dream never ends, you said This feeling never goes The time will never come to slip away. This wave never breaks, you said This sun never sets again These flowers will never fade. This world never stops, you said This wonder never leaves The time will never come to say goodbye. This tide never turns, you said This night never falls again These flowers will never die. Never die Never die These flowers will never die This dream always ends, I said This feeling always goes The time always comes to slip away. This wave always breaks, I said This sun always sets again And these flowers will always fade This world always stops, I said This wonder always leaves The time always comes to say goodbye This tide always turns, I said This night always falls again And these flowers will always die. Always die Always die These flowers will always die

"When he can look out upon the universe, now lucid and lovely, now dark and terrible, with a sense of his own littleness in the great scheme of things, and yet have faith and courage. When he knows how to make friends and keep them, and above all, when he can keep friends with himself. When he can be happy alone and high-minded amid the drudgeries of life. When he can look into a wayside puddle and see something besides mud, and into the face of the most forlorn mortal and see something divine. When he knows how to live, how to love, how to hope, how to pray--is glad to live...and has in his heart a bit of a song." -Joseph Fort Newton Today I purchased some nice pants, and a shirt from Marshalls, as tomorrow is the Senior field trip, and I am supposed to be dressed nicely. I am not sure I like the shirt much; it reminds me of cheap pajamas. The buttons are shiney. My parents are visiting all sorts of specialists do determine what treatment he needs. Apparently the only people (besides him) who get gallbladder cancer are overweight, old, females of Native American or South American descent. The homecomming dance was not a delight to attend, mostly because the gym was being an excellent sauna. The dancing of many people made me feel uncomfortable, as if they were not aware they "danced" in view of other people. I supposed "grinded pelvises" would be a better term than "danced." I made a myspace. It is boring looking, and I like it that way. Hello! I need to become more motivaed. Well, not motivaed, but active. I sit around too much for my liking. So. That changes tomorrow! Few things in life make me happier than watching my cats sleep.

I keep finding out about more people who drink/smoke very frequently. Is everyone really that bored? I have no interest in doing this. Or I feel like I should be. I am constantly afraid I am going to be alone forever. As in not even any friends alone. Which is silly, because I have friends now. I am missing part of my brain I think, the part that makes rational thought possible. My dad came home today, and my mother is angry at me.

"...fanatics are picturesque - mankind would rather see gestures than listen to reasons..."

It would be nice to create my own ultra-liberal country. All religions would be banned except the now-extinct Greek/Roman one, and perhaps Buddhism and those other Nature/"Pagan" ones. Abortion would be required, gay people would be welcomed and given lots of kids to raise, taxes would be increased to a higher amount and all education, pre-K through graduate school would be funded by the state. And anything else that is not in agreement with the current US government policies would be totally instuitued in...Lizland. .. Oh yeah, all emo, pop, rap, and other crappy music would be not listened too, or played on radio. Excepting the early 90's rappers. They still make me laugh :) Tomorrow I'm going to start my summer assignments. I haven't been riding much this week because it's too damn hot -_- Oh yeah. You'd totally have to believe in evolution. Say it's a theory so therefore it didn't happen is a statement that makes me want to eat my eyeballs and put my liver on a stick. That's like saying gravity is a theory so therefore it's not really there. And that stupid thing about how "humans totally did not come from monkeys." Yes. They didn't. Evolution still exists. OMG it's happening right now too!!11

Me at Summerplace.

I need to get off this fucking internet. It's making me go crazy.

Well, my mom left for CT today to visit her parents because they're pretty old. My sister is at pony club camp for the whole week, and my dad's at work. Here are some newly discovered by me bands of quality, because I like listing them and that's what I do when I'm bored: -Wolfsheim -X Marks the Pedwalk -Xorcist -Wintersun -Ultraviolence -Tumor -Saint Vitus -Project Pitchfork -Primal Fear -Possessed -Poisonblack -Nuclear Assault -Nachtfalke -Falkenbach -Entombed -Destroyer 666 -The Defaced -Chemlab -Augury -Armored Saint From the Chemlab website It's interesting to read about things that were written a while back, but turn out to happen exactly as predicted. How long have you been free? In this world of hate and greed Is it black or is it white? Let's find another compromise And our futures standing still We're dancing in the spotlight Where is the leader who leads me? I'm still waiting ...

This summer has been really fun so far...and busy. I feel like I'm never home anymore, except that's not true because I'm home right now. I think I'm happier with myself more than I ever have been before. I won my horse trial last week. That was pretty cool. My next two weekend shows are combined tests, and then I have two more horse trials. I might do some hunter shows in between. Not much else has happened. Yay for running! I hope everyone else is having a good vacation :) Here is a very strange sight for your viewing...weirdingoutness? Crying While Eating

Oh man!

Well, we're making progress finally. I went to a show today and did a 2'6" division, which went quite well. Hunter people are strangely over attached to their trainers. Odd. Here are some pictures from a show that was in early May I think. 2' course, green hunter at Cavallo Farm: Haha in the last one you can kind of see the incredibly dorky face I make when I'm jumping (or rather, the horse is). !Determination! They're from a video, hence the blurryness. Considering 6 months ago I couldn't get him over just the warm-up fences, and I've done all the riding myself, I'm pretty proud of how he's going :)

Lena wrote me this wonderful note in my yearbook. She's so awesome! But I don't think I'm going to have kids anytime soon. I feel so American and ignorant and inadequate. I wish I was from Zimbabwe, or Bhutan, or the Falkland Islands, and then I would feel better. I am so horribly fake, I don't know what to do. There are all these projects I have to do for school. I should stop procrastinating and do them, but it's Friday. Ah, excuses. Horse show on Sunday. Wooah. That will be so sweaty. I must talk or else I'm weak Let no one know my shell's hollow False world created I just watch it come to life ~~~~~~~` A - AGE: 17 B - BAND LISTENING TO MOST RECENTLY: HIM, Iced Earth, Angel Dust, Sepultura C - CRUSH: Orange? D - DAD'S NAME: Andy E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Lena F - FAVORITE BAND: All the good ones. G - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS: The both have gelatin :O oh horrors! H - HOMETOWN: Vienna, Austria (sike) I - INSTRUMENT: Sometimes instrumentals may or may not be good. J - JUICE: Orange is nice. K - KIDS: Are jerks, I've decided. L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: 14 or 17 hours. My family drove to the Floriday gulf coast. M - MOM'S NAME: Sue N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 1 (million!) Not really. O - ONE WISH: Get my Acts together. P - PHOBIAS?: Being lost, talking to strangers, slugs. Q - QUOTE: "It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." R - REASON TO SMILE: It shows off my (not) lovely braces gaah. S - SOMETHING YOU REGRET: Getting black hair dye on my carpet T - TIME YOU WAKE UP: 5:45 U - UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I have extrodinary delusions of grandeur. It's rather arrogant of me. I am arrogant. I hate it. V - VEGETABLE YOU HATE: ONIONS. (or death) W - WORST HABIT: I say things I have no intention of doing, I complain about silly things, and I mope aroud alot. X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Teeth, finger, probably other ones. Y - YUMMY FOOD: My sandwitches I make. Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Sagittarius, fools.

Today was pretty boring. I had to stay after to talk about The English Project of Incalculable Stupidness. So that was fun. Or was it... I gave my Latin presentation and I was pleasantly suprised with the results. I am feeling so fit lately! I think it's because I'm stretching, doing crunches, running, and riding every day. I luff it. Ah this positiveness. It must be the summer seeping in. Here are some bands, mainly for Erika because she seems to enjoy these things: -Wintersun -Covenant -The Kovenant -Hanzel und Gretyl -Strawberry Switchblade -Persuader -Kevorkian Death Cycle -Ikon -Evil's Toy -Cesium 137 -Agathodaimon -Acid Bath -Ablaze My Sorrow

I want to dye my hair this summer, but I don't know what color would be good. Not green because it fades, not black because I already did that, not blonde because that looks silly...midnight blue might be nice. Or perhaps I'll only dye the underside blue. We shall see. I went to Phillip's house today, and saw his kitten. It is prooty cute. Reminded me of Pookie about a year ago. School has too many projects. I wish I could just have a bunch of finals and be done with the classes. Psh doing extra work. Next week is a modified schedule because of senior exams. In math today, Lena made her knee all wrinkly and then it threw up. I told Sam about this but I think he thought I was rather weird. Yay math! Awh quiz tomorrow! :(

I AM THE MESSIAH. I meet all the requirements, too. -I'm friendly towards the Jewish -I'm not dead -I want world peace! Check out this website, dude. It is awesome. AWHSOME! Alex Chiu might not be the messiah (which he says himself, but he never says why), but he is MY SAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!!! -He invented immortality (even with varying degrees) -He created a feasible plan for world peace -He is humble enough to admit that he is not the messiah WWW.ALEXCHIU.COM aka Lena wrote this entry, which is why it doesn't sound like me typing. BUT everything is TRUE.

"It is not the critic who counts. Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause. Who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat." -Teddy Roosevelt

Well, there is strangles AGAIN at my barn, so I can't go anywhere for another 30 days at least. ARG. My grades aren't too good. I got a 77 on my math test, and I have a B in english right now. It's because I'm slacking. Oh well. I'll pull them up I suppose. I'm off to go run now. Here are some new bands for your listening pleasure: -Virgin Steele -Angel Dust -And Oceans -Anorexia Nervosa -Gothminister -Heaven Shall Burn -Nemesea -Mythic Force -Xandria -Twilightning -Into Eternity I really would like someone special to just snuggle with (because I'm corny) but I look at everyone around me, and all their relationships seem abusive, or end within a month or so. It looks pointless and upsetting. I'm not good at dealing with being upset.

Well, this week is going well I suppose. I was happy with my show on Saturday. Domino got 3rd out of 8 in the hack. My trainer and this really nice appendix QH beat him. In other news, math is rather not understandable. I'm on a search for many new bands. Someday I will have heard them all, but that will be when I'm like 6 million years old about. What if we're a person dreaming about a butterfly dreaming about a person? Or something like that. My dad has a book by a Chinese philosopher and I should go read it. Sometimes I look at my animals, and realize that they're so alive, more than I am possibly, and I really do love them.

Why is it that creationists are complaining about teaching evolution as science because it is just a theory, but no one is saying the THEORY of gravity shouldn't be taught? I have never understood this. From Night, by Elie Wiesel: There are a thousand and one gates leading into the orchard of mystical truth. Every human being has his own gate. We must never make the mistake of wanting to enter the orchard by any gate but our own. To do this is dangerous for the one who enters, and also for those who are already there. ~~~~~~~~~ Moonlight catches silver tears I cry, So we lay in a black embrace, And the Seed is sown in a holy place And I watched, and I waited for the Dawn.