my horse Riley died yesterday. I tossed and turned all night, and this morning the first thing I did was cry. I feel bottomless.

Blinking, I turn my face to the direction the sun rises in, and wait patiently for these new days to begin. I feel vaguely like I've let the last year slip away from me like rice from between my fingers. I want 2010 to both come and not come, to both grow old and young again, to fold myself up small in order to unfurl anew. I have closed my eyes against the wind and mist that populates my world these days. I walk forward, thinking only of the water feeding my pores, the eventual smoothness my skin will take on--the thinness of being that I want to achieve. I will melt into the moonrise as easily as I have come from it. Though, to call this out would only bring attention to the strange and alarming weightlessness of my smile.

you can't obligate a person to love you. You can't obligate them to come when you are sick or to tell you their secrets just like you can't force goodwill or make someone smile at you. You can't obligate anyone to do anything. It doesn't matter if you are family or not.We are all human beings, we are all members of a pretty much duplicate body. I will NEVER make anyone my slave by obligating them to something I have not earned. Neither will I be a slave.

Home, to give thanks.

Something that makes me nervous is that nobody really knows that when you wear a pendant of Queen Nefertiti, you have to wear two. She was a powerful queen, and to have only one pendant of her on your body will unbalance you. I know it is superstitious of me, but I do believe it. Or, rather, I am afraid to misstep, to take the plunge into unbalance. You will never catch me offending the gods.

I go through my life pushing aside the unnecessary things. I try to only feel when I absolutely have to. You know, it's not so bad. I feel like I have become stripped down, efficient, a sleek shark swimming through the crowd. I feel the air slipping past my sleek new skin and understand myself to be invisible. and I relish it. today, though, i was seen, if only for a second, if only by myself. today, i realized just how sad about all of this I still am. and how sad i could become.

I wish there was a way to express gestures online. Like I said, I find myself wordless. I find my body a livewire, thrumming with energy--she wants to twist and writhe and leap into the air! She wants to rub a shoulder like a cat against the doorframe and kick a heel into the air, she begs to toss her hair back and let the proud thrust of her chin say all these things for her, she wants, she wants, but she can't.

It often happens that I feel full of words, emotions, passions...but then I sit down here and as soon as my fingers begin to tap out their dull rhythm the things I've always wanted to say are gone again. Is it because i'm secretly afraid to say them, or is it more passive than that? Am I leaking?

i'm confused and feel like i've done something wrong but can't really put my finger on it.

What is it that I feel like lately? Who is this new person emerging from my chest cavity, fighting her way out of my mouth? I could never really voice the confusion I feel lately, except that sometimes I get the vague hint that I am missing out on something very important. Such a thought makes me incredibly nervous and sad. Shouldn't we all get a chance to experience the things our bodies feel like we should? Even if they might hurt other people? I don't really know what that means, but I do know that whatever happened between my parents is enough for me to shy away from the thought of any commitment--to anything or to anyone. I used to be so ready to just give everything up, and now I feel like a shrinkled up raisin. I want to be that open, soft, loving person again, but I find myself horrifyingly returning to the same processes day after day that I adopted last Christmas. Sleep, my body says. Rest up for the long winter ahead. But it's a little scary how no matter how long I spend dreaming, I still wish I could be doing that all the time instead of trudging on through October's dreary mornings.

is it possible for two people to be together in love for always?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The mess in my house is a perfect representation of my current state of mind and my constant slide into not knowing where anything goes, even though it is my job to decide that.

I feel like it is my duty to take care of my family, but at the same time I look over my shoulder and mourn the yesterday when I didn't know what selfish was and thus it was ok to be it. i wish i could wrap up my mom in words that would make her float softly to the ground and that my brother would see through his rage and that my father wasn't sick, that he was real, that i could believe in him. i miss him very much, and i worry i will never regain contact with him before he truly does get sick. there is still that hard place in my chest that I hit when I think of talking to him, and the rage that wells up is unmatched by any I have ever felt. papa, you weren't supposed to leave us. you weren't supposed to leave me. i know it's cheesy, but I still find myself staring down the long dark hallway of my twenty years and feeling the anguish of being a fat little girl and not finding what i am looking for. i wish i had my daddy back. i wish i could see him like i want to see him, instead of this sad echo of a man. can you believe his hair is all grey now?

This is what it is: I am 1000 miles away from Peachtree City I have a boy in my bed whom I adore My apartment has beautiful floors and, My apartment is arranged in a lovely way I have many happy birds on my fire escape I am baking pies I have pants that look nice on me, and, I am ok with them being a size bigger than they would have been before the summer I am off work today I am going to the zoo today It is Friday I had a great lesson yesterday I went apple picking with my boy Today I am happy. I am at peace. It is a nice feeling. Like a bird that has traveled many miles for food, warmth, and water, I feel like I can finally say that I am beginning to think that happiness IS a fish that you can catch. I want to have that chance. I always have.

Today's feeling was like an unscabbed wound. color, sound, sight, everything beat on me really hard, i felt like I was going to go insane from the intensity of life. i slept for a long time and now i'm awake again and it's better. but still. i wonder why today was like that.

i just love my new birdhouse and how it brings all the little finches to my fire escape!

i tell people that my re occurring dreams are about trees, but i only had that dream once. i wish i had it all the time. instead, i have dreams about mazes. and being able to do something but no one ever believing me, or the circumstances changing. tired today but trying to stay afloat on the good ship lollypop

Very sleepy upon the conclusion of my family's visit with me this weekend. my mother is so cute. i couldn't fathom what it must be like to be her. you should have seen her eyes as they darted between us, her two giant children towering over her, like two tall signposts that mark her life. i try and treasure these moments, because i know someday soon i will miss them, and this makes me infinitely sad.

today is a rainy, sad day in rochester. i borrowed an inflatable mattress from judy today, who is my old riding instructor. as she gave it to me, i asked if i could pet and visit with tank. she opened his house for me and he ate some buttons on my coat. i was happy. driving home i thought back to what i was doing and saying this time last year. and how funny it is that your whole life can change so drastically when one person leaves it. and how some things don't change at all. my windshield wipers squeaking, i began to cry, or rather i wanted to. with the first expel of breath i let loose a half sigh, half moan...and found i'd lost the capacity for tears. my chest felt empty. my melancholy had dried up and been rattled out by one puff of despair. or maybe it was the rain that did my crying for me today. either way, i drove home in silence, staring straight ahead and going the speed limit, not trying to go that route anymore. what is the use of force when it comes to your own mind? i try to live in the moment more and more. there is very little that can disappoint this way. it's all a mystery.