I'm still so confused. Oh, oh, boys. How you confuse me. Who had ever known? I was never supposed to be THIS. I was the girl who sat in the back of the class, quiet, that you'd never notice.

Oh, how it started. Justin. Justin. How I still resent you &think about you every now and then. How I was changed. How I was changed with Javier, Brandon, James, &Jeff, oh Jeff. &Ethan, you bastard. Aj, Mustin, Avi, Mike- how I despise you.

How did this ever happen?

I still have major major major feelings for Ryan. I'm not going to even deny. But I can't do this anymore. Everything is just pilling up. My neglect of school work, procrastination, general lack of enthusiasm. And the whole not being single for about three years thing. I am never single. I hate that. I wish I could be free of relationships sometimes. I feel like I always have to have this "emotional crutch" and that's what guys are for me. I don't want to be in a relationship simply for being in a relationship. And it's hard to diffrerentiate that sometimes.

I will say. Ryan is absolutely amazing &we can talk about anything, anything. He was the best boyfriend I ever had. I know I will regret it. I just can't be with someone right now I can't give my heart fully too.

I'm still trying to get over Jeff, and forget about that but it seems like I'm always saying "my ex" every five seconds. For the last year and a half my life has been him, and ONLY HIM.

Now, I'm 300 dollars in the hole on a plane ticket and confused about everything.