so i just locked myself out of my phone!

i was fucking with it and locked it....go me. so i won't have a phone till my step dad comes home and gets me the unlock code.

i was skyping with jeff tonight and i asked myself if that was the man that i would spend the rest of my life with. he looked so worn down. sad. he is still disapointed in me for what happened on new years and so am i. at least i didn't lie to him right?

i am unsure about new orleans.

urgh.

i feel sick- it could be just me being on my period.

i don't work till monday, i feel like being productive tomorrow.

it is going to be nice not having a phone. maybe i'll call boobear and tell him what's up so he doesn't freak out if i can remember his number! i'll have to pick up a calling card and then he probably won't pick up, i sent him an email.

urghhhh.

i want to change. i want to stop this. it's a downward spiral. i want to ask him what he wants with us. and how it is going to come about. i mean- his family and friends and all the issues i wrote down.....but i guess we just take it step by step.

i feel like i have to re get to know him. like i have to "date" him again, it's like i don't even know him! he reads books, and dances at bars, and goes out with friends and has all this stuff going for him, he bought a house and is waiting to move into it, he is going to school, i know he still talks to that girl too...and i know she wants him....

it kills me when he said, oh my girlfriend is SO much better than you.

i wasn't even talking about me versus her to begin with.... i knew if i told him what i had been up to he would have flipped and not taken it well, but i love him and there fore i protect him from things.

he still calls me, and rule number one is, if he's not calling you- he's just not that into you, and he's calling me.

i make the excuse that i need hubcaps put on my car and he needs to put them on for me. perhaps with out the anchor of my phone, i can get shit done, like go to the bank.

i am starving. i want food. i can't sleep.