Its been awhile.... alot has happened.... ive read more books hmmmm listen to panic at the disco.... emo rock but its good

Its funny, I think of something to write down and put on here and its really good but every time I come down to my fathers to do laundry I just dont feel like typing it up. Well atleast I think there is some humor to it.... Happy Halloween everyone I love this time of year....

Soccer game went well... We won in overtime there wasn't someone there like last year to scream curse words to get us points doced even though that was bs call last year we still one. Not only did my girlfriend show up but my grandparents showed up so i was SOOOO nervous. Did well though the only injury I had was a strained left calf muscle. She was happy for me (ash) mostly cause every year I abstain from things that I really like to get myself focused. So I dont have sex for a week or masterbate, certian foods are cut out, no video games, and I dont shave. I looked like shit at the end of the week and I was VERY prone to violence. Helps with self discipline though, somedays I think that there can't be anyone more self disciplined then me. Specially since when I found out about the game I decided to lose 15 pounds. I made it and it was hard on my body and my mind alot of people were worried about me saying it would hurt more then help but seeing as I was also lifting at the time I lost alot of the fat and gained muscle mass I gathered around what weight I would be at if I was lifting and I made it to that weight. I got there a couple hours early like normal and watched a couple games. Some people were there that I wanted to talk to but the main reason I went there well...he wasn't there. Guess he knew/thought better of it, a guy was there that I hadn't talked to in about a year and he and I had a talk and he explained to me that the problem with us would remain between the two of us and he would not get invovled. I told him that although there is only 3 people that I would consider to have that pass he could be one of them. I told him there is no middle in this its either I am right or he is right thats it. He understood, and right about then is when...well the guests showed up and the look on his face was priceless. I think he knew why they were there looked like he almost was scared of em. I pulled the boys aside and told them the situation and they were disapointed as well but yeah well. Then when I was standing there a conversation started up between a couple of us and a guy that I really dont know that well but good enough that when we see each other we talk to one another but anyway he was saying that one of his proudest moments in his soccer days is last year when I traded a VERY good player for him he was very honored and told me that he played hard for me so that I didn't regret that decision. It put a smile on my face and it is right now. I never thought something so trivial to me would be so important to someone else. Im not saying it was a life changing incodent but the look in his eyes let me know how much respect he has for my opinion. Ive been getting that alot lately and I remember when I would say those things to seth (a friend of mine). I wanted to be just like him when I grew up, my father wasn't exactly a good role model for me but he was. We would hang out occasionaly and then we came distant, were still friends but not like we were. I kind of understand why now, hearing that puts a preasure on you that you dont want this person to see you at your weakest point because your that point of strength for them. Its just one of those things that when you know someone is looking at you in a certain way you dont want to disapoint them. I get that alot and for a long time I was feeling like "Dennis" I felt like a piece of shit. Never understood why, but recently my cousin got a hold of me and I was telling him some of the stuff that was going on in my life and he looked me in the eyes and he asked me what happend to me. It seemed like I was a shell of the man I once was and I knew what he was talking about. He is one of those guys I can't bullshit he knows me to well. He sat me down and basicly gave me the riot act and told me to snap out of it. Some of the stuff that I was allowing to happen around me the old me wouldn't have allowed it to even get that far. Basically he remined me who and what I am and what I came from and told me to snap out of it. Alot of my friends have been doing this as of late. I guess they can just tell that im not right upstairs (now those of you that know me arleady know im not "right" upstairs) so they are trying to snap me out of it. Its nice to see who the people are that really care. I was sitting at the local pizza shop tonight listening to people talk. I went there with a group and we all sit around and just talk but these people are all older then me and just listening to them bothered me. Im not trying to say im better then them but they were just talking about trival things, stuff that didn't matter at all. I dont get it, I mean with all the stuff thats happening around us how can you turn a blind eye to it? The books I read are VERY socially aware and it seems like all the people in them are in the same mind set I am. Now dont get me wrong I am no malcom, martin, Lennin, Karl, or Che but come one people where is the spine in your body that says hey wait a second I have a voice and I am going to use it to display my anger for this situation? I've always been called the lone wolf, or a loner or something that basically says that I march to the beat of my own drum and I would agree to that to a point but let me say it does get lonely when you dont care about reality tv, who said what about who, or sports. Where are those people that can sit down and talk about progressive ideas? Where are those people that challenge your mind with questions and ideas? I can't be the only one can I? Ash isn't like that but its a good thing because she is the simplicity in my life that I sorely need. When I get wound to tight she is there to tell me to stop "fighting the power" and to start fighting the villians on my video games. She takes me phone and turns it off and runs to the store and buys me a bag of chips and some coke and tells me to sit and play. Its nice but I yearn for progressive ideals so bad, I feel a pull to things that aren't being done in this time. I dont understand yet I guess. Dreams of me giving speeches and get shot, stabbed or some other way of getting killed. They are normal dreams but they dont scare me strangly they just make me....motivated for some reason. I dunno what to think, id like to think my answer is in a book but I dont know..... By the way if a revolt starts let it be know our generation ain't no bitches we dont sit down in a college and have a peacefull protest. When they tried to pull that woodstock shit on us what did our generation do? BURN THAT BITCH DOWN.... so please fuck with our generation we know how to do shit the right way. Fire cleans all and we know where the lighters are. HAHAHAHAHA If ya have any ideas or anything like that please lemme know... im open to suggestions...

Soccer game tomorrow....First time ive played in front of ash so i wanna make sure she sees why when the guys and i talk about soccer they all like the fact i try and keep the "rec" league going. Matt wont be there though...either he has to work or the woman wont let him...everyone that I talk to about her hates her including his family. I only met her once so im not going to jump to a conculsion yet... even though i have a good idea how she is. Enemy of my enemy is my friend.... Its nice to have a girlfriend that in some ways is nieve... that way i can be my "radical" activist when im away and when i come home she hasn't a care in the world what i do aslong as when im with her she tries to make me relax.... Its nice to know that my "ways" with women are expanding...its pretty good to hear a 37 year old woman (who looks like a girl i was fucking before i go into this relationship, so i thought it was her mother) telling you that if i were older or she were younger shed make a play for me. Also kind of amusing.... Andrew is one of those guys that needs something to wake him up not sure what it is but we both understand how much we can and cannot tolerate one another yet he seems to find the answers he is looking for when we talk. Wish I had that my answers only come from books..... "If peacful revolution isn't possible, then violent revolution is inevetable" I think i spelled it right but i will elaborate on a later post... and sorry for those of you that have been checking up on me ive been putting some private posts up for the people on my friend list... not sure if anyone else really reads this but just incase.... "A man that stands for nothing, falls for anything"

I was just going to put up this song and tell this person to read the lyrics and adapt them to fit him but I figured id do it for him. Everytime I hear this song I think of him. fuck JD What's up kid, ay yo, I know you ain't talkin 'bout me dog You, what? fuck JD You been on my dick kid, you love my style, fucker fuck JD I fuck with your soul like ether will teach you the king you know you not survivor across the chest lose I prove you lost already Brace yourself for the main event Y'all impatiently waitin It's like your aids test, what's the results? Not positive, who's the best? dubbs daub and tom Ain't no best, east, west, north, south, flossed out, greedy I embrace y'all with napalm Blows up, no guts, left chest, face gone How could I be garbage? Truth at the side of your dome, come outta my throne I got this, locked since 0-1 I am the truth, name a “solider” that I ain't influenced Gave y'all chapters but now I keep my eyes on this judas With high school freshman fame, kept my lines in his game Ay yo, pass me the weed, pour my ashes out on these fuckers man (no doubt) Ay, y'all faggots, y'all kneel and kiss the fuckin ring I've been fucked over, left for dead, dissed and fogotten Luck ran out, they hoped that I'd be gone, stiff and rotten Y'all just piss on me, shit on me, spit on my grave (uh) Talk about me, laugh behind my back but in my face Y'all some well wishers, friendly actin, envy hidin snakes With your hands out for my knowledge, man, how much can I take? When these streets keep callin, heard it when I was sleep That this JD and his pussy ass crew wanted beef Started slowly loadin up this ammo To explode it on a camel, and his soldiers, I can handle This for dolo and it's manuscript, just sound stupid When krs already made an album called blueprint First, Johns ya man, then you got the nerve to say that you better than him dick suckin lips, whyn't you let the late, damn kid live (i...will...not...lose) Survivor across the chest, I prove you lost already The king is back, where my crown at? You deal with emotions like bitches What's sad is I love you 'cause you're my brother You traded your soul for bitches My child, I've watched you grow up to be famous And now I smile like a proud dad, watchin his only son that made it You seem to be only concerned with little girls Were you abused as a child, scared to smile, they called you ugly? Well life is hard, hug me, don't reject me Or make records to disrespect me, blatent or indirectly In 04 you was gettin chased through your buildin Callin my crib looking for advice. All I did was gave you a style for you to run with Smilin in my face, glad to break bread with the god Just “punk rock” shirts, hangin with big dudes You a fan, a phony, a fake, a pussy, a stan I still whip your ass, you 21 fucking a 15 year old Ask me if I'm tryna' kick knowledge Nah, I'm tryna' kick the shit you need to learn though That ether, that shit that make your soul burn slow Put it together, I rock hoes, y'all rock fellas And now y'all try to take my spot, fellas? Chi towns hot rock fellas, put you in a dry spot, fellas Brandi got you hot 'cause you kept your face in her puss What you think, you gettin girls now 'cause of your looks? Fat ass please You no class hack, with whiskers like a rat Compared to Andrew you wack You ass, went from John to hangin with Travis, to Val, to Me And, I murdered you on your own shit You a dick ridin faggot, you love the attention How much of my lines is gon' come out your fat lips? Wanted to be on every last one of my classics You pop shit, apologize, fucker, just ask for it.

Over the weekend I went to my high school's soccer game. When I was in high school I played for em. Although I dont know anyone on the team the coach and I are friends. When I was there I was sitting on these bleachers and got sun burned really bad and I was only there four about 3 hours. It was kind of funny cause the place where it was well the last time the soccer team was there there was a fight in the stands (Friends and I) and a fight on the field. Kind of funny to be back there although I didn't see any of the people that were involved in the fight either on the field or in the stands. I didn't get there till their second game and it would figure that they played the team that got into the fight with them first. They lost, but in the second game they kicked ass. I think the final score was like 4 to 0. This is the first year they really look good too. They dont have any ONE kid thats going to be the scoring threat they are actually passing and dropping back so it should be a interesting season. I dont know what happend the third game cause by the time the second game ended everyone that was there with me was telling me how sunburned I was and I figured it was time to get out of the sun. Was invited to a party but didn't go cause of the sunburn. Don't know what it is but im getting calls again about having a halloween party. Some of them from people that weren't there last time. I told em id give it some thought. If I do im gonna have one of my friends put the video of it online so all you can watch it. The last one came out good but a guy taped over half of it dont ask me how but he did. If you want to watch something REALLY twisted watch Rubber Johnny. Check it out online, put in a search for it and just read about it. It's definetly something that you can't explain its more like when you say the name of the event people just know what happend there. This is that type of thing, its only like 6 min long but its 6 min of not blinking cause your affraid your going to miss something. Once again sun burn sucks, specially on your head. It hurts so bad to wash your hair when you have sun burn on ya head.

First things first to the people in New Orleans. Even though you can't read this. BURN THAT FUCKING CITY DOWN. Shoot at EVERY chopper that comes around. Its about time that someone shows the world what happens when you ignore the needs of AMERICAN people. Didn't anyone stop to think about where that money for vietnam 2 oh way sorry i mean iraq part deux was comming from? So now lets think about this since hehaw boy has been in office gas has TRIPLED in price and now heres something you will all be hearing about soon. The money to go to one of the things that would have helped to upgrade the levy to protect Orleans went to... yep come on guess.... VIETNAM 2 shit I keep doing that sorry Iraq part deux. The city wanted 10 million dollars to upgrade it and it was even going to match whatever the gov. sent it. Know how much they gave em? 50 thousand dollars. So this goes out to the 51% of the country that voted for that asshole. All those people's blood is on your hands. Those families that now dont have a mom or a dad or maybe one of their brothers or sisters are dead its because of you and its just getting started. Keep watching the news sooner or later you'll hear about what is going on in Utah. God bless america, you know if I didn't have enough toilet paper at home id use the flag. Cause thats about what its worth. Now id like to say to anyone that is in Calli. You should be VERY proud you are in the first state to allow gay marriage by the vote of the senate. Congradulations its about time people start to realize that the "fags" are people to. Went to a friends place yesterday, well two friends place. We were talking and it turns out im the next charles manson I mean they were telling me how one of my "friends" told them that he thought they were mad at him cause of me. This seems to be a repeating pattern, I mean someone else has told me that I control people by my actions. I really should hone in on this power of mine that way I can start to control everyone around me. They also told me that they were concerned about me when we all went out together the first time cause this guy told this girl that I was going to beat up some guy she was with. This actually makes me smile, people are so afraid of me and I give them minimal reason TO be afraid of me. It's great. Lastly even though he will not be able to read this. Sean Artz is truly someone that I have a fond place for in my heart. Although we dont hang out much I was sitting back thinking one day that I have NEVER met any man that has as much respect for me then him. Respect is very important to me and everything about this kid tells me that he respects me. Truly touches my heart and I hope I can return the favor for him. Fav Quotes: "A man who stands for nothing falls for anything." -X- "I can't hear if my car is running or not cause the muffler is to loud." -Jael- (friends ex-girlfriend)

You know its funny I really do try to put a good post on this. Its normally really long, maybe thats why I can't post it. Ill keep trying though got to get my voice heard. Anyway, you know its really sad to say this but im starting to notice a patern. Everytime one of my friends try to get me to listen to a really hardcore band I normally dont like it till I hear a cover song they do. This happend with Atreyu and now with Throwdown. I was at work and this guy and I talk alot about music and he had this cd in near where he works and Baby got back was playing but it wasn't the rap version. I started laughing and I listened to it and I really liked it and asked who it was and he told me it was Throwdown. I told him that someone else tried to get me to listen to them and I know they just put out a new cd cause someone else tried to get me to buy it and he told me it was actually good and he put it in and I liked it so now I have their new cd. If your reading this (you know who you are) you were right about throwdown. I just needed to be able to understand what they said. So now im listening to REAL hardcore stuff, I think its cause of situations in the world keep pissing me off I dont even have to hear the words anymore I just hear the music and im... ready to go. Motion City Soundtrack....well I can't explain that one. I saw their video and that dudes hair is so fucking awsome... the chops are cool as shit to.... If I had darker hair and I could actually grow chops I would. I actually dropped a tear about a week ago. My girlfriend likes punk music now (she didn't when we got together) and she gives me a list of some songs she would like to have on a cd. Im looking down the list and I started to cry for joy. System of a down and Avenged Sevenfold were on the list. My woman is turning to a regular punk chick. She has black hair again, and she does the dark around the eyes occasionally. Let me just say when she gets dressed up in her button up shirts tight ass pants and stripper boots. Damn its baby making time. Most of my friends want to fuck her so what the hell. Went out to eat with a buddy of mine last week. It was good to catch up with one another. He got a new girlfriend, im kinda mad about it. His last one was one that I and everyone liked. He also told me that alot more people read this then I thought cause he got a call about one of my posts. If your reading this I wish I could have got you two back together. I tried to hear your side of the story but I didn't have any contact with ya. Hope ya are doing fine. Finally never knew that ravers are such a threat to our "peace" here in america. Apparently kids dancing around with neon sticks threatens us all. Must be the neon sticks they are weapons of mass destruction. If you dont know what im talking about. In Utah about a week ago a festival that was ALL LEGAL with security taking all drugs and booze from kids got a surprise from the gov. They decided that they were an unrully crowd and unleashed tear gas, dogs, and helicopters on them and arrested them for trying to cause a riot and arrested the security for possession. Bush was in Utah when this happened and I guess they were close so they wanted to make sure they were neutralized. God bless america, scuse' me I think I just threw up in my mouth.

This fucking thing pisses me off. Everytime I actually do a long post it fucking freezes. Demo Derbies are much funner when the girls are driving the car. Watching girls slam into one another at what seems to be 50 miles an hour when the guys seem to be going 20. You can only imagine what their cars looked like afterwards. Making fun of "damned dirty carnies" is fun. Watching someone ride a bike that the directions are reversed slam face first into a trailer is fucking funny. Almost to the point of pissing yourself funny. Studies are going great, I am flying through my new book. Unlike Mein Kampf my head doesn't hurt after reading it, I think it has something to do with the fact its better organized. Ill soon be putting a web site up on this, for years my friends have been on me about video taping some of the stuff we do. Most of it would be our discussions about random stuff but finally one of them has talked me into it and the "beta" versions are comming together quite nicely. The only thing that sucks is that one of the people that always said about doing it isn't involved in the project. He and I had a falling out a while back so I doubt he would either want or be able to be involved in this process but watch out for it. Lastly I dont know why but one day I got the feeling to check up on someone and when I did I was surprised to find out that they have decided to talk shit about me on this. So here is my resonse to that, you are the LAST person to be giving out relationship advice. My relationship has been going on for FOUR years so obviously something is going right. Lets bring up your relationship past, no I wont do that but I do know what your thinking "this one is different" right? I dont know why it is you feel the need to talk about me. You were living your life and I was living mine. You say I doubt your convictions, actually no I applaud them. There is only one area that I dont like. Im sorry that I think that when you turn 21 in november that dating a 15 year old girl is ok. Its a moral thing I guess, other then that in my book you are a ok. I actually do wish the best for you. I hope you get into the music buis. When we would talk about it I saw a fire in your eyes and your really love it so go for it. Now I know your trying to become your own man and I respect that as well but do it with out calling my name out there. You've seen me lose my cool over nothing once before. How do you think I would react when I actually have a reason to be angry? Do yourself and I a favor just live your life and let me to mine. Consider this your warning shot, the next time you might get the reaction your looking for.

Your Hidden TalentYou're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations. You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts. Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition. The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary. What's Your Hidden Talent?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green At Your Highest: You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary. At Your Lowest: You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in. In Love: You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated. How You're Attractive: Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room. Your Eternal Question: "What else do I need in my life?"

This blows I wrote this HUGE post and it didn't post it.... shit.... Well i'll have to try again. This time i'm writting it in word and pasting it on here that way if it doesn't post I can just try again without having to retype it.

Its been awhile since I put anything on this but believe me I have plenty of good reasons why I didn't. My last post said about a "Eyes wide shut" party, well I didn't go to that because my current girlfriend and I were have MAJOR problems and came ( )that close to breaking up. We dont really fight much but when we do its big, and its normally not my fault at all. This was another one that wasn't my fault but we are trying to work through her dumb ass mistake. Then I heard one of my good friends also broke up with his girlfriend for a stupid mistake she made so appartently girls are just messing up all over around where I live. So its been a shaky couple weeks or so with my life. Saw batman begins and its good. People make it out to be alot better then it actually is but it is still a good movie. My next post should be one of the posts that I had orginially thought of posting, see ever since I was a kid I have always wrote stuff but I would never let anyone see it, infact I would trash them when I was done. It just felt good getting it off my chest but im thinking of putting something that I would normally keep to myself on here. Lemme know what you all think, if I should or not. Till then...

Well I said I would talk about some interesting things on this. I could have posted this last week but I figured I would wait a bit before doing it. I planned to write something and then post it on here, maybe as a message to a couple people even if they can't read it or wont. This post is prolly a little more funny to read and if anyone is actually reading this I would like your feed back on what you think I should do so here we go. People that know me, know that im like night and day. One moment I could be calm and the next im throwing things across the room (litteraly). When I am in a good mood I am a blast to be around because I try to make sure that eveyone EVERYONE has a good time even if it means making a scene. Well back in last october, at the request of a "friend" after hearing about the parties I threw back when I was in high school. He finally talked me into throwing one of my "parties" now I put parties in quation marks because its more like an event IF everything goes the way I want it to. A while back some friends and I were sitting back after one of my parites and we realized that in each one that I threw there was three things that ALWAYS happened. So it became a law that at a "ddotdubbs" (not giving you my name) party these three things HAD to happen. Those were some girl had to get naked, there was always a fight, and someone was gonna puke. Now my favorite was always the nude part so I would continuly push it to try and see exactly how far I could get a girl or two to go. Well to get back to my choice, after I had this party a couple people at work heard about this due to an dick wad who works with me. They came up and asked me about this and being me I didn't lie. I told them exactly what happened. Shocked and amazed they walked away but one guy stood there smiling. Being that we were good friends I asked him what the fuck his problem was. He told me that this sounded like a beta "Eyes wide shut" party. I laughed it off and we went back to work. Well a couple weeks ago he came up to me and said about his friends are throwing a party and its a "Eyes wide shut party" and my girlfriend and myself and two other people were invited if I wanted to bring someone else and come myself. For those of you who don't know what a "Eyes wide shut" party is, well if you haven't seen the movie its a party where you either put on a mask. Just a plain one or use a different name and you go there to act out anyone of your fantasies. So if I went and I wanted to be with two girls I would go there and say what I was interested in doing and if there were two girls that were there that wanted to do that with me, away we go. Now this isn't just sex stuff if you wanted to piss on someone you could. Do a certin drug bam there it is. Hell watch two guys/girls go at it its right in front of ya. Now part of me was jumping up and down on the inside because ive been trying to push to have one of these parties or atleast go to one but its not that easy to plan or get into. The people have to be trusting and be able to keep their mouths shut (hence why im not using names). The other side of me is saying I shouldn't go because of the fact I have a girlfriend and I know she wont be into this as much as I am. I am sure she would get.....something out of it but not like me. I also thought of just going alone but that just reeks of trouble. Specially seeing there will be booze there and anyone that knows me when I get certin types of booze in me I do things that aren't exactly smart (fighting cops, peeing on someones pants, picking up a girl who has their boyfriend right next to them). So drinking prolly isn't a good idea. I just thought I would see what you all thought I should do. I mean this is every guys dream, the ability to go fuck any girl you want exchange fake names and never see each other again. I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity but damn its something I shouldn't do..... What do all you think???

Although I know few people on this, I was told that this would be a medium that could help me get out some.... feelings and thoughts that I have inside. Ill be talking about things like friends, pollitics (of course) and just odds and ends stuff. I would put in a much larger entry right now but my emotions are all over the place and I dont feel it would be just to do such a thing just yet.