Soccer game went well... We won in overtime there wasn't someone there like last year to scream curse words to get us points doced even though that was bs call last year we still one. Not only did my girlfriend show up but my grandparents showed up so i was SOOOO nervous. Did well though the only injury I had was a strained left calf muscle. She was happy for me (ash) mostly cause every year I abstain from things that I really like to get myself focused. So I dont have sex for a week or masterbate, certian foods are cut out, no video games, and I dont shave. I looked like shit at the end of the week and I was VERY prone to violence. Helps with self discipline though, somedays I think that there can't be anyone more self disciplined then me. Specially since when I found out about the game I decided to lose 15 pounds. I made it and it was hard on my body and my mind alot of people were worried about me saying it would hurt more then help but seeing as I was also lifting at the time I lost alot of the fat and gained muscle mass I gathered around what weight I would be at if I was lifting and I made it to that weight. I got there a couple hours early like normal and watched a couple games. Some people were there that I wanted to talk to but the main reason I went there well...he wasn't there. Guess he knew/thought better of it, a guy was there that I hadn't talked to in about a year and he and I had a talk and he explained to me that the problem with us would remain between the two of us and he would not get invovled. I told him that although there is only 3 people that I would consider to have that pass he could be one of them. I told him there is no middle in this its either I am right or he is right thats it. He understood, and right about then is when...well the guests showed up and the look on his face was priceless. I think he knew why they were there looked like he almost was scared of em. I pulled the boys aside and told them the situation and they were disapointed as well but yeah well. Then when I was standing there a conversation started up between a couple of us and a guy that I really dont know that well but good enough that when we see each other we talk to one another but anyway he was saying that one of his proudest moments in his soccer days is last year when I traded a VERY good player for him he was very honored and told me that he played hard for me so that I didn't regret that decision. It put a smile on my face and it is right now. I never thought something so trivial to me would be so important to someone else. Im not saying it was a life changing incodent but the look in his eyes let me know how much respect he has for my opinion. Ive been getting that alot lately and I remember when I would say those things to seth (a friend of mine). I wanted to be just like him when I grew up, my father wasn't exactly a good role model for me but he was. We would hang out occasionaly and then we came distant, were still friends but not like we were. I kind of understand why now, hearing that puts a preasure on you that you dont want this person to see you at your weakest point because your that point of strength for them. Its just one of those things that when you know someone is looking at you in a certain way you dont want to disapoint them. I get that alot and for a long time I was feeling like "Dennis" I felt like a piece of shit. Never understood why, but recently my cousin got a hold of me and I was telling him some of the stuff that was going on in my life and he looked me in the eyes and he asked me what happend to me. It seemed like I was a shell of the man I once was and I knew what he was talking about. He is one of those guys I can't bullshit he knows me to well. He sat me down and basicly gave me the riot act and told me to snap out of it. Some of the stuff that I was allowing to happen around me the old me wouldn't have allowed it to even get that far. Basically he remined me who and what I am and what I came from and told me to snap out of it. Alot of my friends have been doing this as of late. I guess they can just tell that im not right upstairs (now those of you that know me arleady know im not "right" upstairs) so they are trying to snap me out of it. Its nice to see who the people are that really care. I was sitting at the local pizza shop tonight listening to people talk. I went there with a group and we all sit around and just talk but these people are all older then me and just listening to them bothered me. Im not trying to say im better then them but they were just talking about trival things, stuff that didn't matter at all. I dont get it, I mean with all the stuff thats happening around us how can you turn a blind eye to it? The books I read are VERY socially aware and it seems like all the people in them are in the same mind set I am. Now dont get me wrong I am no malcom, martin, Lennin, Karl, or Che but come one people where is the spine in your body that says hey wait a second I have a voice and I am going to use it to display my anger for this situation? I've always been called the lone wolf, or a loner or something that basically says that I march to the beat of my own drum and I would agree to that to a point but let me say it does get lonely when you dont care about reality tv, who said what about who, or sports. Where are those people that can sit down and talk about progressive ideas? Where are those people that challenge your mind with questions and ideas? I can't be the only one can I? Ash isn't like that but its a good thing because she is the simplicity in my life that I sorely need. When I get wound to tight she is there to tell me to stop "fighting the power" and to start fighting the villians on my video games. She takes me phone and turns it off and runs to the store and buys me a bag of chips and some coke and tells me to sit and play. Its nice but I yearn for progressive ideals so bad, I feel a pull to things that aren't being done in this time. I dont understand yet I guess. Dreams of me giving speeches and get shot, stabbed or some other way of getting killed. They are normal dreams but they dont scare me strangly they just make me....motivated for some reason. I dunno what to think, id like to think my answer is in a book but I dont know..... By the way if a revolt starts let it be know our generation ain't no bitches we dont sit down in a college and have a peacefull protest. When they tried to pull that woodstock shit on us what did our generation do? BURN THAT BITCH DOWN.... so please fuck with our generation we know how to do shit the right way. Fire cleans all and we know where the lighters are. HAHAHAHAHA If ya have any ideas or anything like that please lemme know... im open to suggestions...