Albert Einstein was a very clever man who split the atom, discovered the Theory of Relations and invented a way to pick your nose without anyone noticing. Because of this last invention he was given Nobbly Prize for being a Genius. How he split the atom is easy to explain: he went out and bought a kilo of atoms, then left them in a paper bag by a bus stop so that a bus ran over them. Much more complex (and therefore harder to explain) is Einstein's Theory of Relations: this says that an aunt in the hand is worth two cousins in a bush. It also uses Pythagoras's Law, which can be explained as follows: Once there were three brothers in the sioux tribe in the American Wild West, Their names were Little-Nose, Big-Nose and No-Nose, and they were in love with three sisters from a neighbouring tribe. These sisters were called Rose Petal, Dandelion and Dewdrop. The girls' father, He-Who-Sits-On-A-Cactus, agreed that the brothers could marry his daughters, but only if they bought animal skins for his daughters to sit on as marriage presents. Little Nose dutifully turned up with a present of a buffalo skin for Rose Petal, Big-Nose bought Dandelion an antelope skin, while No-Nose gave Dewdrop the skin of a hippopotamus. The three couples were then married, and later on each of the three women became pregnant. When the children were born Rose Petal had a baby girl, Dandelion had a baby boy, while Dewdrop had twins - one girl and one boy; thus proving Pythagoras's Law that says: the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides. This may not be a lot to do with Albert Einstein and his Theory of Relations, but it's a lot more interesting...

The Plague was a dreadful disease which swept England, killing thousands and thousands of people. It was also known as the Black Death because just before they died they turned completely green. (At this time the colour 'green' had not yet been given its name, and any colour that people were unsure of, they called 'black'. Hence the Black Knight was actually bright yellow, the Black Mountains were purple, and Black Magic was relly a funny sort of orange colour.) The cause of the play remains a mystery. One theory was that it was brought to England by rats who lived on ships. Another theory is that it was cause by a population eating too much rhubarb, which caused large numbers of people to swell up and burst. A third theory is that it was a germ that came from Outer Space and infected a whole country. Another theory is that all these theories are just guesswork because all the doctors died in The Plague, so there was no one left who knew for certain what had caused it.

1. Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you. 2. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific. 3. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down. 4. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes. 5. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek. 6. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis. 7. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid. 8. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. 9. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary totranslate. 10. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.) 11. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. 12. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions. 13. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have done to prevent the Great Depression. 14. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s. 15. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. 16. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged. 17. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life. 18. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. 19. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis. 20. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. 21. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific. 22. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

How about this.... Stop with the fucking reality shows. I am so sick of this fucking bullshit with the fucking fake-ass marriages for money, the muchkin bachelor shit, and anything that has to do with greedy motherfuckers who will degrae themselves for cash. And that 'Simpleton Life' with French Hilton and that other illigitimate whore. How come these dumb bitches didn't get trampled by fucking cattle on that farm!? I'm so sick of some psuedo-attractive bimbo selling her soul because she's fucking stupid. You want reality? How 'bout a reality show where you oil up that Hilton bitch and throw her naked into an all-male jail filled with serial killers and sadists. Give them a bunch of 12 inch sharp objects and let 'em loose on her ass. Yeah, Welcome to reality! And don't give me that "You're so cruel" bullshit. Not only would you have a reality show that people would actually WANT to watch, but you also have a great start for a series on an all new network called the "Snuff" channel. The whole channel would be dedicated to the elimination of a fucking moron, every half hour! I would personally be involved in every show and would work overtime to ensure that 48 idiots were removed from society every day. See, I have ideas, and this fucking 'Feaary Factor' shit. Oh, whoopdie-doo... 'Eat a bunch of liquified rats and we'll give you 3,000 pounds!' I'm so sick of these shows that try to induce fear. You want to see fear, how 'bout I sit your fucking contestants down in a small room, chain 'em down naked into metal chairs that are wired to a heating system. What you do, is then you turn up the heat slowly over a 32 hour period, slowly increasing the ammount of heat conducted through the metal chairs untill it's as hot as a branding iron. And once they've passed out due to the extreme pain brought about by a 32 hour burning flesh fest, hang 'em on a wall by their arms, in a room where the only visible thing is a sign that says "You have this much time left to live." with a countdown underneath, starting at 24 hours and counting down by the second. So now they gotta hang there, just watching the clock... wondering what's gonna happen... how are they gonna die? Will it be worse than the heating chair? Who knows... Once the clock gets down to the final second, you turn on the lights and yell "surprise!" and if they don't die of a heart attack, you hit 'em in the face with a large pie. Sit back, all laugh, pretend it's all a joke, lull them into a false sence of security by saying "You've won a million pounds!", then take out the razors and salt. You put one cut in their body, 2 inches long, every 15 minutes, and then hire some toothless bum to slowly tear open the wounds with his filthy fingernails while pouring salt into the cuts at the same time! I could go on, but I think that's a little too much reality for some of you. And I don't want to hear about "how sick and twisted" the ideas and concepts are in this blog. You don't like it? Too bad. If television had some decent shows to occupy and entertain my mind, I wouldn't have such demented thoughts. Soooo, it's all your fault. Welcome to reality TV Assholes!

You know what I hate about death? No, it’s not the dying; it’s the amount of importance and respect placed upon a person once they’re dead. That hurts me. Here lies a man, a man who annoyed everyone he ever came in contact with. You know, that sleazy office worker who continuously had sex with the Mexican cleaning lady in the supply cupboard, making ALL your paperclips sticky and unusable! The same guy that took the last bit of coffee in the pot without making a new one! The fat fuck that stole everyone else’s lunches in a daily rotation, throughout the work week, creating for himself, a never ending buffet of consumable diversity. He never admitted it, never apologised and was a complete dick. “Ooooh! Don’t say that! Show some respect for the dead!” Well, what the fuck for? All my life, I’ve wanted this guy to drop dead, and finally, HE DID! Now I can’t be happy about it? Screw that! This guy was a prick! And then, the eulogy! I hate these things, to me all it is, is a ten minute summary of an individual’s life, leaving out all the bad parts. Here’s an example “Today we lay to rest a man who loved his country and sought great things for his people, a man, both commanding and determined, a man whose vision was far reaching and influence many. Artistic and outspoken, he immediately grabbed attention of mankind worldwide. Today, we lay to rest Mr ADOLF HITLER.” Almost sounded like he was a good guy for a moment there didn’t it? I think an eulogy should be based on the truth! “Here lies some prick who was a murderous asshole, who also had self-esteem issues and was a mediocre artist at best. Here lies, Mr Adolf Hitler. May worms mill out his eyes and may Satan fuck him in the ass with a pitchfork.” You get a few eulogies like that thrust into the mix and you may actually get more people to attend these fucking lame ass boring, life training funerals, just an opinion, but I think most would agree. Rest In Peace, Fuckers.

William Shakespeare is the most famous playwright in the entire history of playwrighting. However, some literacy critics and historians believe that his plays were actually written by Sir Francis Bacon, another writer who lived at the same time. The evidence they give for this is as follows: Shakespeare's most famous play is called 'HAMlet' about a Danish prince. The critics and historians say these were clues put in by the writer to let us know that the play was actually written by someone called Bacon. Another theory is that the play was originally called Omelette, then Ham Omelette, before being finally called Hamlet, and these are clues to let us know that the real writer was actually Sir Francis Egg. Among Shakespeare's (or Bacon's, or Egg's) other Most Famous Plays are: Romeo and Noddy King Leer (also known as I'll never smile again) The Taming Of The Hamster All's Well That Turns Out Alright O Fellow! And Macbeth Meets Godzilla.

The first living things on this new planet were actually dead. They were called fossils and were made of old fish-bones and lumps of rock with dents in them. Fossils had a difficult time developing language, mainly because, as everything else on the planet was dead, there was no one to talk to. As a result, they didn't speak much to eachother. This gave rise to the opinion that they were too High and Mighty to be bothered to talk to any other fossil, in which case they might as well all die out - which they did.

The Ancient Greeks were really ancient. They were each about 180 years old and could hardly move. They were always fighting battles against other people. Everytime they discovered a new island they would launch war against it. 'Look!' one of the Ancient Greeks would say, 'There's an island with just a goat on it! Let's declare war on it!' Their most famous war was the Battle of Troy. This was all over a woman called Nellie, who was reckoned to be the most beautiful woman in the world. Over the years, however, she got less and less beautiful due to bashing her head against the side of a ship when it was first put to sea. This eventually gave her a face like an elephant. We know this from the famous line in the history books that tell us she has a 'face that launched a thousand ships'. In this Battle Of Troy, the Ancient Greeks used a new weapon for the first ime. It was called the wooden horse, and was a horse made intirely out of wood. Hpwever it couldn't gallop very fast, which is why they lost the battle, and also lost Nellie the Elephant.