Hmm I'm mildly drunk and bleeding. I've had worse nights I suppose. Who even give's a fuck, no one. I should of learned that lesson by now. I haven't. Still my bastard sense of optimism is holding out for one more shot, before falling to the firing squad. Bitch got what it deserved. That will show me to hope. People are never who you think they are, even when you known them for years and fucking years. So, I figure I've got to find a new life plan, this one has failed. I don't know what to do though. But, I'll have to find something, or throw myself off a bridge, whichever come's first.

Life alway's seems so much brighter on the verge of blackout. When you haven't got any friend's at least you can always count on the blue one's and the red one's, especially the white one's.

Mentally I realize I’m beginning to decay, the grip I had on reality however brief is slipping through my fingers. I can’t deny the monthly relapses anymore, I can’t deny that they’re steadily getting worse and closer together. I feel to guilty crying out for help, when I know it’ll come again soon enough. I don’t relish another stint in an institution or forced therapy. Though I’m getting close to the ledge, there is enough space I can still turn and run from it. I can still prevent it, if I make the hard decisions now. It might even be nice, an adventure of sorts. I’m greatly looking forward to the summer, sunshine, warm, evening thunder storms, and a brief escape from monotonously empty school assignments. It’ll give me a chance to release and work out all these ideas that have been swirling in my brain for far to long. I’m really excited to work on my own stuff awhile, or create complete nonsense if I so choose. I’m excited to grow and expand. I’m taking a single summer class, Macro Economics. That I don’t particularly relish, but at least it’ll be with Art Beth. We went and took Polaroid’s of ourselves smoking in an abandon barn, if it hadn’t been so damn cold it would’ve been ecstasy. I’ve fallen in love with the Polaroid. Though I’m excited for the summer, I worry to. School will be closed for periods at a time, and as my new found refuge, this will not do. I’m worried what I’ll do, home is no where. I long for a road trip with deeply personal friends. I miss how close I used to feel to some people, but I’m afraid to reach out. I feel like I’ve made to many mistakes to be a worth while person to them. I used to have standards, morals even, I don’t know what happened to me. I feel like I’m treated differently now since events. Not that I couldn’t sympathize with their reasoning. I feel so different then I used to. I feel damaged, yet enlightened. The student art show is tomorrow and I have painting, it’ll be nice and peaceful.

I have to start figuring ways to convert my car into a livable space. A storm is brewing at home I can feel it in my bones, and today was merely a precursor of things to come. It all started over taxes, my Dad as usual waited to the last minute to file them. This screwed James and myself out of filing for the FAFSA and any potential money we might gain. It could’ve meant great ease for the financially fucked situation we find ourselves in. However I wasn’t banking on the money like James, I knew better, I knew this was the most probable scenario to occur. Sometimes he lacks necessary foresight. So instead of accepting the situation, he vented to my mother, mistake, who in turned vented to my father. Now the whole house is hopping mad, storming about, slamming this and that, its so tiresome. This however is only a cover for the real issues at hand, I see this. James at dinner began his favorite soap box rant, “why can’t we all just be a family?”. The simple answer to this is because we are not, but he wants it so badly, I hate to crush him. He started tearing up at dinner, and it irritated me. He began talking to me in particular because mother walked away, which is what I would’ve like to done. But, he had a speech and god dammit someone was going to hear it. He questioned me, but I didn’t have any suitable answers, none he was willing to accept. He called my life sad and pathetic, because I had no desire to know or care for a family I had never known or had reason to care deeply for. How can you miss, what you never had? I’m not saying I feel nothing for them, I’d do just about anything for them if they asked, I’m void of any serious emotional bond is all. He alluded one day I would regret this. Somehow I doubt things will be much different, though I think we all will gain appreciation in space from one another. I need to get out from under there thumb before I can see them as people, and not irrational children. It is simply my nature. I cannot see this living situation improving, I can see the daily decay plainly enough. Things will end, badly at that, but it will be for the best, I’d just prefer not be around for the final depressing last breath. Were like a vegetable on life support. Thus, until I find a better situation, living out of my car and at school seem to be my best options. The only issue is food, hunger is usually what drives me home early. If I can find a way to supply myself with this on my very limited funds, then I’ll only need to come home to sleep and bathe. I found couches on the desolate fourth floor of the library, I never seen another living soul there, its almost as if it doesn’t exist at all. The books are all decades old and appear to never have been opened let alone touched. Maybe, its stuck in time like Billy Pilgrim. I can spend most of my time in the studio, it feels more like home then anywhere else I know.

I’ve spent the last forty five minutes aggressively filing my nails to nubs. Hah and I thought the drugs weren’t working. I’m beginning to believe they’re fucking with my brain chemistry, but I don‘t mind. I’m going to paint them black, they look like positive shit without polish. I broke three nails today in the process of buying canvass, the jagged edges caught on completely everything. But, now the edges are to dull and nubby to break or catch on much of anything. While filing, I thought about Mrs. Pat the kindly lady who runs the Café in the Admin building. Sometimes just going in there is enough to get me through the rest of the day. She reminds me so much of Renee sometimes, and it fucking kills me, I have to go back to focusing on my over priced coffee and a phone that never rings when I want it to. I think I pull one of my rose prints and mat it for her. Its probably the nicest thing I’ve created all year.

Last night was crazy, and for as wild and drunk as I got, it was exactly what I needed to get through these past couple of days. I've got school tomorrow and a plethora of new work to complete, and I'm actually excited about it, life is seemings brighter already.

I feel like I should just give up, truly and honestly. Every time I try I just get smacked down to the ground. It just keeps getting harder and harder to pick myself back up. Whats the point anymore? when I know I'm just going to fall harder then I fell before. Maybe I should learn just to stay down. My 'art' is going fucking no where. Honestly I don't know what anyone sees in me. Its all talentless and uninspired. I can't maintain a relationship much less friendships. I can't even find one guy that'll give a fuck about me, they just take what they want until they don't want me anymore. And, I let them, I let them use me. I always think, this time it will be different, and it never is. Nothing ever changes. My friends all have there own lives now, and I can't be anything but happy for them. My job is only good for screwing me out of money. I'm going to graduate with a useless degree. I'm so fucking talentless. I'm fucking useless. But I'll never learn, I'll never let go of 'hope'. All I want is someone to give a fuck about me, but no one ever will. I wish someone would just end this embarrassment of human existence.

Its been a weird couple of days. I'm not sure, well I'm not sure about much other then I want a cigarette.

Its around ten, I should be in my first class but instead I'm hiding out in the library. I'm to exhausted to deal with Mrs.Kim today, not that I had any of my homework done anyway. Its been a pretty good week, despite having an annoying cold. I finally went to see Coraline with Danny and Kyle, good movie and good people to chill with. The scenes from the garden were really inspiring, I'd really love to sketch that stuff. But, I've got so much homework to do I don't have much time for my own art. Oh well there will be plenty of time for that later. Ugh... so tired.

Its 6:30am, and I'm thinking. Every week is different but nothing ever changes. Sure the people and places are new, but the problems are still the same.

Gotta love Delaware, one day its 70 degrees the next its freaking snowing. Can't complain because I've got my fingers crossed for a school closing tomorrow. I've got sooo much work to do. I haven't even started my print making project, or finished the last one for that matter. Not to mention a huge piece of canvas to tackle. Ah I'm king at wasting my time away. I've been doing a lot of thinking though, thats my favorite way to waste my day away. Mostly about all the people that have come in and out of my life. There are just so many things I wished I had done differently. Its just like Taylor was saying to me last night, there is always one thing that if it had gone differently everything would be better. She's a wise one that Taylor.

I'm so tired today, can't begin to fathom why. I get enough sleep, I drink plenty of coffee, so why am I always sluggish? bleh it sucks. Mhm can't say I've got much to be excited about either, just a mountain of homework. Spring break is in two weeks, so at least that is something. A reprieve from the daily drive to Dover will be nice. My life is a bit of wreck at the moment. I'm growing tired of all these damaged people, they keep making the same dumb mistakes and never learn. I'm sick of all the drug addicts... practically everyone I know has got some kind of addiction or another. Why has everyone regressed since high school? I think its past due that I met some new people. But, I guess at heart I'm one of them too.

Mhm I love a good scone and cup of coffee, it makes me feel very Breakfast at Tiffany's. Which is a new favorite movie of mine. I watched Charade last night, another Audrey Hepburn movie, and its no where near as good. Actually I don't really care for that movie at all. Funny Face, was pretty good though. Nothing compares to Tiffany's though, that movie is amazing. I've downloaded a lot of movies recently. How I plan on watching them all, is a conundrum. Especially since I can't concentrate on anything I watch on my computer screen. Perhaps I'll try burning a few of them and watch them downstairs. I guess its a week of favorites. I found my new favorite song last night(see pervious entry). It just fits me so well. Like every terrible beautiful aspect of my life, personality, ect. all in one fantastic song. Yet I keep singing along.

I've come to my senses, That I've become senseless, I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships, Every last conviction, I smoked them all away, I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way, So I sit and wait and wonder, "Does anyone else feel like me?" Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems, [Chorus:] I'll sing along, Yeah with every emergency, Just sing along, I'm the king of catastrophies, I'm so far gone, That deep down inside I think it's fine by me, I'm my own worst enemy I could be an expert on co-dependency, I could write the best book on underage tragedy, I've been spending my time at the local liquor store, I've been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor, So I sit and wait and wonder, "Does anyone else feel like me?" I'm so over-dosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy. [Chorus] Let the meaning slip away Lost my faith in another day, Self deprication seems okay, I never thought I'd make it anyway [Chorus] I'm my own worst enemy

Every time things seem like they're calming the fuck down, they don't. Its all terribly deceiving! and me with all my pills, weeds, and other things certainly isn't making things easier. Nothing ever works out how I intend, story of my life. I mean I come to school today all bright and early with the best intentions, and what do I do? I surf the internet! When I should be working humf! There simply aren't enough Scooby Snacks in the world to keep me motivated. I used to care about things, really truly care. I don't know where it all went. I've always leaned towards apathy, but lately it seems I've fallen right in. I don't know how to change it either. My ipod is dying to soon, and I'm almost through a brand new pack of cigarettes. I shake my fist at life!

The more I think about leaving Delaware the better I feel. I want to get out of here and breath new air. Theres nothing keeping me here anymore.

I’m tired and not very good at introspection at the moment. Regardless, I’ve been evaluating the last couple of months… the last couple of terrible months. It seems like the only thing I’m good at these days is making mistakes. The more I think about things the dumber I feel. I used to be the smart one. I can’t seem to figure where I went so wrong. Now I’m just trying to deal with it all, on top of school, work, and all the other trivial nonsense that goes with daily life. I really wish I could move to a different city and start over.

I'm changing things, for the better this time.

Trust no one, ever.

I’m really terrible at starting these things off, I always say the same thing, its been a long couple of days. Well, today is different because this weekend has flown past. I’m going to a liquor serving class on Thursday, Sushi Yama’s has decided they want me to be a waitress, and I can’t think of a better olive branch. Considering how much Cindy has been screwing up and making me hostess, its about damn time I got a promotion. I’m a little nervous, I’m not exactly a people person, but the money is enough of an incentive to become one. I’m more excited though, for this coming Friday. Not only do I get Friday night off, but I also get to go to the film festival and hopefully a party afterwards. Finally something worth dressing up for and I can’t wait to finally have a Friday night off… the first one in oh a year. I deleted my myspace, its absolutely liberating. I’m not sure how long it’ll last but at least for now I’m enjoying the freedom feeling. I’m going to make Cait fess up, one way or another, I am getting to the bottom of this. I’m going to figure out why I‘m being avoided, and if its what I suspect, well, leaving people is sort of my specialty. I realize that sounds really cold, but its kind of true. I’m sick of chasing after her and all of the confusion that goes a long with it. If she wants to be alone, I can accommodate that, though I’d rather just get my friend back.