I don't know what to think. I hope to get back together with Ryan, but not right now. Maybe in a month or so. Or a couple months. I have no idea. I just need to let things mellow out, I suppose. Why does everything have to be so damn hard? Even the apparently easiest things are getting mixed up. I went in my hottub tonight, and chilled with a beer, contemplating my life lately. I think I just need a vacation - a break from it all. But I think I figured some things out today - or so it seemed. But, things aren't always as they seem. Oh, learned that lesson the hard way. I just need to go out drinking and forget life.

Yeah well I just broke up with my boyfriend because I can't get past what happened. I'm sad. The end.

Yeah, I did it. I finally told my boyfriend that I cheated on him. Thing is, he's not really mad at me. He's angry, but he's directing it at the guy that I cheated with, not me. Well, obviously I can't expect him to be happy 30 minutes after I told him I slept with the guy. I'm not going to say who, although I'm pretty sure everyone already knows. I'm still good friends with the guy; well I hope. I thought we were but now my boyfriend wants to cut his face up. Understandable, I guess, but I'm not prepared to let him beat him up. I still care about the guy that I cheated with. I still care about my boyfriend too, but we have alot to talk about. I'm going over to his house to talk to him, and I'm kind of worried that he's going to hit me. I guess I'll deserve it if he does, but I'm still afraid. I feel like my life is a soap opera at the moment. But I was on a break with my boyfriend at the time, and I thought break means "broken up"? Apparently, to him it meant otherwise. But then what is the point of a break? Yeah, I'm a pretty big asshole. Things happen for a reason though, and I guess that's what we are going to talk about today. Hopefully we talk, and it doesn't turn out to be a huge yelling match. I really don't want to get hit either. I don't know how he can say he still loves me. He says he doesn't want to be mad at me, just the guy. He said he doesn't love the guy, he didn't spend two and a half years with the guy. This is true, but he also can't just allocate all of the blame on the guy. So am I saying I want him to be mad at me? Kind of. Well, I just don't understand how he said he wasn't mad at me. He just said the guy is a douchebag. The ackward thing is that we hang out with the guy. And he's a good friend to me. Obviously not a good friend to Ryan anymore, but they never were. They weren't much of friends to begin with; sort of just friends through me. Anyways, I guess I have to go and take the heat. Unfortunately, I've been avoiding it for 2 hours already and I know I have to go and get it over with. I still love him. It's insane. I still care about the guy, my friend and all. Well, I don't know. I'll just go talk about it, I suppose.

Tomorrow is my bio exam. I don't get it. Why are certain people concerned about me, just because I study? Wow, I'm antisocial for a couple weeks. So whatever. It will pay off. Don't worry about me. I'm fine!! I need to study "ridiculous" amounts. I walked for 2 hours today, until the point where my knees seized and I had to limp home. Stupid knee, I don't know why it has to be so difficult. I brought cue cards with me, to study of course. It was very refreshing. At this point, I almost want to give up on bio. It's too difficult. And apparently, certain people keep on worrying!! GEEZ, I'm seriously fine. No anxiety attacks this week. Then I had a HUGE nap. Does anyone else drool in their sleep? Because, I drool and snort and talk. Oh god, it's so embarassing. The pillow was so soaked, it was gross. Oh, but my fucking graphing calculator was stolen. Goddamn 120 dollars right there. I can't do my chemistry exam without it. It's a staple in my mathematical life - it's my water. :( Give it back, ya bastards. I payed good money for that! There is another reason I hate the shuttle bus, it almost HIT ME. Yeah, that's right, it almost ran me over. The laziness of others almost KILLED me. And I had a walk symbol. I had the right of way - but no, obviously I jumped out of the way. I'm no match for a bus. I'm kind of happy, but kind of sad that school is over. Because I know the couches will never be the same again! Well, they were a bad influence anyways. I should have been focusing on school and going to class more often. But still, it was a highlight of the day. I guess we'll probably find a new couch, or new couch group. But maybe not! AHHHH!

Yeah, it's definately Saturday night. Usually I'm so excited for the weekend, but it's exam time. Wow, do they suck. So does being broke, I really need to get out of school and get a job. Make some cashola. Anyways, I feel like discussing the most random and boring things. Like my soy, cream cheese and mango sushi. Wow, that was good. I decided I'm basically a vegetarian as it is, without the whole label. I haven't eaten beef in months as it is, but I officially gave it up today. Not that that will change my eating habits, but it will be easier to explain. I'm a health food beer nut. How does that work? Whatever, I'm not giving up beer, ever. I'm never going to be a vegetarian, animal rights activist. It's not that I care about that, because frankly, I don't. People need to eat. I just don't like the taste of beef. It's actually really disgusting. But I like fish. So, I'll never be a complete vegetarian. I couldn't give up the omega-3 fatty acids in fish. They're essential to any healthy diet. Plus eggs, the complete source of essential amino acids. Nope, couldn't give up eggs either. What kind of person talks about this? One that is really bored, doing homework on a Saturday night. Only...3 exams to go. I can do it! I really can't but hey, I'll have some faith. I have no money, yet I always manage to find some, and blow it. Considering how much I drank yesterday...I don't know how I afford it. That was even with chugging random beers that I brought with me. I'm not a very good chugger. Haha, I'm too whiny. I'm always bitching about my teeth. They're hypersensitive. Yesterday was fun, last day of school. Went to wise guys at about 11:30 and started drinking. Yeah, it was great. I had some mad naps inbetween drinking and pizza sessions. Man, I also like ham. But only ham, not bacon, not pork, not anything else like that. I could give that up though, but whatever. I feel like a picky meat eater. Yeah, that's pretty much what I am. I don't really care about chicken, and I hate turkey. I used to like chicken, but now I just think it's kind of gross. It's pretty obvious I have nothing better to do! Whatever, there's the doorbell. Saved from the boring ranting of me, wooH!

Sometimes, the simple things in life - that really should be blantantly obvious - are missing from your life. For instance, take relaxation. I am a workaholic, which constantly leads to stress. I have high expectations for myself, and I pleased with no less. However, stress causes me to behave like a crack addict. Plus, while writing my final pyschology test, I was completely unable to focus. So, basically, my workaholic behaviour led me to perform below my standards. Now, with the background, we're able to proceed to the lesson. Relaxation was completely missing from my life, at least as of lately. One of my good friends, Monsieur Skipants, happening to point out to me that - hey! you have to relax. So I tried it, and well, you won't be surprised to find out that it worked. Just a quick bit of relaxation here and there improved my stress level today. Thanks for pointing out the obvious that I was oblivious to. :)

Boy, do exams make me feel like crap. Let's see, today I started off feeling happy. And then slightly pissed off, but only slightly. Then, relaxed. Oh but then I was stressed, because I had to study. I went for a walk, that made me feel happy, except for the phone call. Yes, people, I can't help you right now... I CAN'T HELP MYSELF RIGHT NOW! Then towards the end of the walk, I was happy. Then, stressed again. Then I felt kind of sad, like I didn't really want to even walk around my house. Then stressed. Now just jumbled. I'm jumbled. I'm sure this doesn't even make sense. Definately not gramatically, oh no, doesn't make sense that way. Well, I don't know what to do. One minute I'm happy, next minute I want to burn the papers in front of me. I just want to stop, not study. Give up. Will I? Probably not, I'm too much of a damn perfectionist for my own good.

I'm in such a good mood today. Maybe because I was able to use my resources and make 30 dollars. And I don't mean prostituting myself!! Laziness is starting to irritate me. I'm lazy to a certain extent. Well, at least I thought I was lazy, until I heard something today. Want to know what that was? Well, of course, or you would probably quit reading at this point. BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO DAMN LAZY. Anyhow, this girl I know waits 10 mins for a shuttle bus at school instead of walking to school. The walk to school takes 10 minutes. Argh, if that's not laziness, then I don't know what is! Oh, another example of extreme laziness is swiffer. Seriously, it's a great marketing strategy. Appeal to the extreme laziness of this disposable country. But, what was wrong with a bucket of water and soap, complete with a rag? You can rewash rags, and contribute to saving our environment. I saved a tree by writing on this page. But, I'm sure I damaged many other parts of the environment with this damn computer. The smart car is a good idea, minus the fact it still runs on diesil fuel. Yeah, it's better in comparaison, but don't go thinking you're all high and mighty. I want to live like the hunters and gatherers, minus the high death rate. Why is everything made to be disposable? Disposable cameras, disposable batteries, disposable pens. We lead disposable lives. Even cars are meant to be disposable. It seems so hopeless, and so maddening. I don't know where to start, not even in my own life. I want to help, but where to start?

I think I have an ulcer; although, I'm not entirely sure. Hopefully, I have something they can give me medication for. I don't know why I always think things can work out ideally. Obviously, they never have or never will. I need to stop drinking sometimes. Sometimes, I just need to stop thinking, or even talking for that matter. I'd rather talk to myself somedays. Actually, I'd rather be in some sort of altered state of mind. Not drunk though. No, not that. Things always get messed up when you get sober. Somehow, reality bites you in the ass, but you never saw it coming. How could you? How can anyone? How can anyone make decisions? I can't. Being spontaneous is great, but that's the problem. The problem is in the definition of the word itself. I think I like this one best, "Arising from a natural inclination or impulse and not from external incitement or constraint." Or how about, "Said or done without having been planned or written in advance." Well, you see, that's the issue. It's just done, and then, the consequences of your action come along. Oh, they're waiting. They wait patiently for their chance in the spotlight and then they relish it. But consequences are not inherently negative; they are just what happens, and must be subsequently dealt with. Then comes the decision making. But did we not choose spontaneity for the complete opposite reason? Well I guess I'm not sure anymore. It's the conscience, guilty or not, that guides you in the end. It has control. Maybe, it's time to grasp control ourselves.