It has been such a long time since I have written in here, but anyways, I am just going to post some pictures of my little girl.

Where was your soul born?[pics + detailed answeres] Your soul was born in the Shadows.Your soul was born in the shadows of the moon at night. You're all mystery and enigma and your element is the Moon. No one really knows who you are, but they might think they know you. You only tell people fragments of who you are and never show your true personality. That doesn't have to mean that youre being someone you're not though. You're always yourself and you never do something just because someone else does. Some might think you're a little cold or dull, but you're just hiding your true self for some reason. Maybe only a couple of selected people have ever seen the true you. You are loyal to these people and it will take time if anyone else wants to gain your trust. You let people think that they know you and that you trust them. But sooner or later they will realize that they never really knew you. Be careful. Someday you might need someone who knows what you need. Trust people. You prefer silence and tranquillity. You're calm and collected and a nice person most of the time. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Hey everyone. What's up? Not much here just chillen. I had my 5 month check up today and everything is normal. Her tests for CF and Down syndrome were negative so I'm happy. I am going to be leaving in a couple of days, I am going to Pennsylvania to work for a while, get a little bit of money saved up. Ummm anyways, nothing else is new. Hope everyone is good with all of you. Kayla

IM HAVING A LITTLE GIRL. SHE'S SOOOOOOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL! KAYLA

.hov:hover{background-color:yellow}Music Video:CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE SOBER (by Evanescence)Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Hello Long time no post. I'm SORRY! There's just been so much going on lately that I dunno where to begin. Well i'll start with the big news, I'm pregnant! Yes I am having Dean's baby. Umm we are getting ready to move into our new house, I have a job interview on monday so that's good. Ummm I can't really think of anything more to say, sooooo I love ya'll Kayla

Hey Ya'll what's up. I know no one ever reads this diary so why do i say Hey Ya'll? Force of habit. Anyways. I have been feeling really bad lately. Like a complete failure. I moved out of my mom's house three months ago and now I am already back. I managed to find a job at a local restaraunt but I have no clue when i am going to start. it is aggrivating. Every place I call about housing has got waiting lists from hell except one that only has 3 ppl waiting, but it is in a really bad neighborhood. WHat is the Kitty to do? I just want to have a normal happy life. Why can't i ever seem to grasp that? Why Is it that whenever i start to make progress, I fall down and it seems as though i have fallen further than where I had started. it is old. I want to be happy. I want to have a good job, a family and a husband who loves me and wants to provide for me. I love Dean to death and I don't see myself ever leaving him, but he needs some help. He can't just sit in his room all the time. he has to do something. he needs to talk to someone, and if it isn't me then i don't know who and i don't care, just as long as he's talking. Because I hate to see him so depressed and i hate that there isn't a thing i can do. i just feel so helpless. I hate it because i am the one that everyone comes to for advice, i'm the smart one with all of the answers. If he were a stranger then i would prolly be able to help, but because he means so much to me i can't It is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucked up. AHHHHH I am nearing my breaking point. What am i supposed to do? I can't achieve any of my goals. i dunno what i am gonna do. I have soooo much anxiety and it is just sooooooooo wearing on me. anyways I am gonna go. Kitty

Hey Ya'll What's up? I hope everything in your world is going well. Here on my end not so good. it seems like when it rains it pours. I had to move back in with my mom b.c transitional kicked me out. They wouldn't give me a reason other than, this program isn't working for you. I say-Why? They Say-you just do your chore and leave. so... what the hell was I supposed to do? Sit there all day and make cookies? i dunno. She said I was always planning my day around Dean. Well that's partially true b.c he took me where i needed to go b.c whenever i would ask Martha, She got an attitude. She'd always say things like, can you get someone to take you or do i have to take you again. and please tell me if I am to be blamed for wanting someone who actually gives a damn about me to help me instead of a bitch who could care less and is just worried about a pay check? Oh, and she saw where I cut the other day and said the next time you do that you really should pick up a wet rag and clean the walls or something, WTF? I cut monday and For the entire week, Umm i had been ignored and when i wasn't ignored i was getting bitched at for something i didn't do good enough. What was I supposed to do? I really don't get it. I found a job. I go back monday for the pre-training test thingy. Ya know to make sure i know the menu and seating. But i told her that when i got a job i was gonna start looking for an appartment not even 4 hours after that, i'm getting kicked out? WHo says that is fucked up? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO i can stay here for a little while. I don't want it to be long b.c i need my own space. but anywho. I thought I would let ya'll know what's up with me. kayla

Hey Peoples I came across this entry that I'd written a while ago and it just seems to be soooo appropriate.....Enjoy I have found that when I am alone I do some of my best(or worst depending on how you look at it) thinking. I can come up with things that would blow your mind, I just never share them with anyone. I think of myself mostly. I desperately try to figure out why I am here. I contemplate the religion I have chosen to be a part of. christianity. do I truly believe in this or am i just playing a part for the people around me. An even better question is... Who the hell am I? I know that My name is Kayla Marie Florence. I know that my mother's name is Karen and that the man who fathered me has the name John(although that is all i know about him) But is a person defined solely by their name and/or social security number? Is each person really a unique individual or are we all the same? I look and I see the same basic characteristics in every person I meet. So maybe our individuality comes from how we use these basic characteristics. maybe, we are just i dunno a different version of the same basic model. SO what makes me me? What is my defining feature, or characteristic? because when I think about it, I am not unique at all. I am a bulimic, yes but sadly there are thousands of others who are as well. I am a self mutilator, again there are others. I am incredibly depressed, yes but again i am not the only one. I have had a lot of drama in my life, but everyone has faced things that are huge. SO what makes me different? I am a christian but there are so many of us that i am just another number, so what the hell am I doing here? Am i just another carbon copy? Another little thought to chew on, are we really in control over what we do and do not do. i know that we like to think that we are but are we really? I mean if we were really able to control what we did and didn't do, then why can't i eat a meal without feeling an overwhelming need to vomit? Why can i not find a way to cope with pain and stess without cutting my skin or punching a wall or hitting my head against a wall over and over and over? I tell people that I throw up my food because I am fat and ugly, and while these things may be true, that is not the true reason I do it, I realize now that I do it so that I can feel like I am in control of something in my mediocre life. But do I control MIA or does MIA control me? I haven't worked up the courage to find the answer. Maybe I never will. I want to know why it seems to be impossible for me to be happy without something going terribly wrong. I want to know what makes me so horrible that my own mother cannot bear to say I love you to me. I want to know why the only father I knew for 7 years said you're not my child i want nothing to do with you. I want to know why I feel like I am worthless everyday I wake up. I want to know why I wake up in the first place. I want to know why I was singled out to carry this burden, This angelic demon. Why must I be the one to hurt all the time? And why doesn't the pain ever go away, it dulls at times, but it is always there. Why is it so easy for me to love other people but impossible for me to love myself. Why am i stuck in this cycle of self loathing? I feel lost. I once described myself as being in the ocean with millions of people swimming right next to me and no one noticed I was dying no one cared that I was drowning. I have always felt there was something seriously wrong with me. Even when I was a young child. no one ever wanted to be around me, not other children at school, not even my own family. It was like I was i dunno a virus that would infect you if you got to close. Sometimes I feel as though I don't even exist at all. Like maybe I am just part of someone's elaborate nightmare. I looked through some old pictures the other day. I found so many pictures of myself from when i was born til I was about 3 or 4 years old, and it is like i just dissapeared after that. I thought that i was imagining things so I pulled out photo album after photo album looking at every picture, there weren't any of me after the age of 4. The only other one i could find was my last school picture. I am not even in any of the family portraits they had done. Am I that detestable that I am unwanted even by my own family that they would go through such lengths to make it seem as if I didn't exist. And if I do exist, would any one miss me if I just dissapeared? I have contemplated killing myself every single day for the past month and a half. Would it really make that much of a difference if I actually did it? I know of a few people who may pass by and say oh how unfortunate, but there would be no one who would truly miss me. So why can't I bring myself to do it? Why is it that everytime I drag the razor across the flesh of my wrists, I can't muster up the courage to force the blade down to the vein?Why can I never swallow the pills? Why can't I let myself drown in the bath? What stops me?What stops me? Am I that addicted to the pain? am i that much a glutton for punishment? or is it I have not yet been pushed over the edge? And if that is true, then what is coming that will? But as it stands, I cannot bring myself to commit suicide. There must be something I have missed. There must be something I haven't seen-but what is it? I will not sleep tonight, I don't want to be trapped in a world of torturous nightmares. So I will continue to live out this miserable life until something forces me to change. Until my next brilliant episode.... Kayla

Hey Ya'll what's up? Me not much, I moved out. Whoopie.

Hey Ya'll what's up? Not much new is going on im my world. SSDD. Ah Well. I don't know what the hell to do anymore, I know that Bipoler is a disease and it is FUCKING AGGRIVATING! One day or week or month or however long it is, you are on top of the world and nothing can bother you and then, suddenly everything is pulled out from underneath you and you are left feeling like nothing. You feel like you won't ever be happy and that life isn't worth living and it confuses you because you don't have any real reason to be depressed. I mean I have a place to live, i have food to eat, i am in college and I have an amazing boyfriend. Most people would look at my life and say that i have it pretty good, So then why is it that i sit and day-mare about Killing myself. Why do I get angry at a sunny day or people laughing, after all wasn't i just as happy and laughing right along with them only yesterday? I hate the ups and downs, I hate the inconsistancy. I went for a while thinking that I was perfectly fine, I didn't worry about my weight or what i looked like b.c I was convinced that I was okay, Now, I don't evem Know. I am constantly worried about the amout of calories I consume and am terrified of gaining any more weight-yet at the same time i can't seem to resist the urge to eat. I have been critiqing myself to no end and I know that it bothers my boyfriend but I just can't help it. It is like there are two of me. One tells me that I am perfectly normal and the other(I will call this one MIA) me, the one that is coming out more and more often tells me that I am abnormal, that I am disgusting and fat and that there is no way that anyone can possibly love me and that if someone claims to love me then they are lying. I know that this is wrong after the rational person inside of me takes back over but when MIA is in control it is like i am in this self-destructive mode that I can't get out of and I quickly spiral out of control, I just go down and down and down until I hit the bottom and then as if by some cruel joke, the bottom falls out and I fall some more, and when it finally gets to the point I can't bare to go down anymore and have the pills or the razor in my hand ready to take my own life Rationality takes control again and it is like a rocket forcing me up. It makes me feel invincable. I think I am the best, the most beautiful, the smartest, the most wanted, I am on top of the world, then I crash again. I never know what to expect from day to day. It is like a rollercoaster ride that you can't escape from, It NEVER ends. Meanwhile you are screaming at the top of your lungs to make the ride stop, just make it stop, all i want to do is get off, why can't i get off? MAKE THIS FUCKING THING STOP! But it never does. It never fucking does. So you learn to live with it and you learn to fool the people around you whenever you are down, you pretend to be okay. But, whenever you are alone or in the dark or you think no one is watching, or maybe even if there are, you catch yourself thinking, will I do it this time? will I kill Myself this time? Then you contemplate the ways you could do it, Do I want to make it hurt or do I want it to be painless? You run every possibility through your mind until you settle on the perfect one and then you either try, or you wait for the "Perfect Time" and then the rollercoaster goes up again and you forget about it. The process constantly repeats itself. It is a neverending cycle and it is slowly driving me insane!!!! ~Kitty~

Hey Ya'll What's up? Sorry I haven't updated I have been out of town Since Friday. I drug my boyfriend to Pennsylvania for the weekend for his birthday and so we could visit with my family and friends. Well We left Rockingham at around noon and drove up. Dean was getting aggrivated b.c my mom drives like a nut, weaving through traffic and speeding which made it really hard for us to keep up. Well we finally got to the hotel my friend laura put us up in at about midnight. we slept woke up the next morning showered and did all that good stuff and just chilled for a little bit. My mom got pissed b.c she thought we were meeting her at her hotel well we ended up figuring it out after getting lost looking for her fucking hotel(Basically got on the wrong way on the highway and ended up in New Jersey.) Finally got to where she was and she did nothing but bitch the whole time. Well my dad dropped my brothers and sister off and we went up to scranton to visit with my aunt. I was crying b.c everyone was pissed off at me and Dean was pissed at her for getting everyone pissed at me. Lovely huh? Well Got to scranton and met up with my aunt Donna we went to my nana's house(Who I haven't seen in years thanks to my mom) and I went and said hello and all that good stuff. We went to my aunts house and everything started to mellow out and started to turn out really good. I was glad for that small measure of sanity. Dean and I had to leave early because i still had visiting to do so we got directions and took off. We got into town and called Laura to come find us and have us follow her. We got back to her house and chilled for a little while, ate dinner(her family knows about my ED so they watched every move) and went downstairs to play video games and watch Zombie movies. We actually only watched 28 days later that night.... Well anyways we had the intention to leave sunday morning after breakfast but we decided not to b.c it was Deans birthday and he didn't feel like driving. So we stayed another day. We basically did the same thing sunday. Play video games, catch up, laugh at each other and watch Zombie movied(Resident evil and Resident Evil Apocolypse) And then the phantom of the opera b.c it is my favorite movie. We Left monday morning at about 10.30ish and drove to North Carolina. We had a few speed bumps along the way but nothing tooo major. All in all it was a really great trip. We got back to Dean's house at around 2 in the morning so we crashed. I woke up this morning and he had made me lunch for my birthday. He made lasagna and salad and had some cake, it was really really sweet. We left his house to take me home and I found out that Gary(my step-dad) had baked me a birthday cake and he got me a necklace, i was taked aback because it was just sooo sweet! My mom forgot. My brother and sister called from pennsylvania to sing happy birthday to me and then just as soon as i hung up with them a good friend of mine called to do the same thing. This has been the best birthday i have had in such a long time! I hope all of you have had a good weekend and thank you if you left(Plan to leave, hint hint) happy birthday comments. ~Kayla~

SHE WANTS REVENGE LYRICS Tear You Apart Got a big plan, this mindset maybe its right At the right place and right time, maybe tonight And the whisper or handshake sending a sign Wanna make out and kiss hard, wait nevermind Late night, and passing, mention it flipped her Best friend, who knows saying maybe it slipped But the slip turns to terror and a crush to light When she walked in, he throws up, believe its the fright Its cute in a way, till you cannot speak And you leave to have a cigarette, your knees get weak An escape is just a nod and a casual wave Obsessed about it, heavy for the next two days It's only just a crush, it'll go away It's just like all the others it'll go away Or maybe this is danger and you just don't know You pray it all away but it continues to grow I want to hold you close Skin pressed against me tight Lie still, and close your eyes girl So lovely, it feels so right I want to hold you close Soft breasts, beating heart As I whisper in your ear I want to fucking tear you apart Then he walked up and told her, thinking that he'd passed And they talked and looked away a lot, doing the dance Her hand brushed up against his, she left it there Told him how she felt and then they locked in a stare They took a step back, thought about it, what should they do Cause theres always repercussions when you're dating in school But their lips met, and reservations started to pass Whether this was just an evening or a thing that would last Either way he wanted her and this was bad He wanted to do things to her it was making him crazy Now a little crush turned into a like And now he wants to grab her by the hair and tell her I want to hold you close Skin pressed against me tight Lie still, and close your eyes girl So lovely, it feels so right I want to hold you close Soft breasts, beating heart As I whisper in your ear I want to fucking tear you apart

Hey ya'll what's up? Not a whole hellofalot here. You know the deal. Talked to Dean a little while ago, he seemed really bored. Well today was my mom's birthday...So we went to eat at the local sub/deli shop. They have good food. I caved and got a meatball parm. So yea had a small moment of weakness. I am doing relatively well though. Haven't drank a soda all day, well not one that wasn't diet...can't quit cold turkey. Ah well. Umm I am going to pennsylvania On March 3rd. I am going to visit my bestestestest friend in the whole world. I haven't seen her for a while but we talk at least 2 times a week. I want her to meet Dean because Both Laura(My Best friend) and Dean are really really important to me and it means the world to me that they get along. i can hardly wait until the 3rd! I have....drumroll....17 days until I turn 18. Sooooo what are ya'll getting me. LoL nah I am just picking. I do want lotsa Happy Birthday comments though. pretty please with sugar on top? Okay ya'll I try not to make these entries tooo long cuz then they get boring soooo I am gonna get going, try to sleep. cross your fingers for me. LOL Lotsa Love ~Kayla~

I AM IN LOVE WITH MY BOYFRIEND! Hey Ya'll I am soooooo happy! Distpite the best efforts of the people around me We are still together. And we are going to stay together because the bond that we have is strong and it cannot be broken by anyone other than the two of us which I don't see happening. I love him more than anything else in this world. He has managed to do something that no one else has ever been able to do before. He showed me that it is okay to be happy. He let me see that I can be happy and not feel guilty about it. I know this sounds silly but I cry whenever he leaves and I can't help it! I just can't stand to be away from him. I feel so jealous whenever he has to go see his ex For seperation agreements or to pick up something from her house, I don't want to be Jealous because I usually am not a jealous person. But I will be damned if I am going to let her take him away from me again. My boyfriend has decided that he wants to go back to the Army. It's cool because I want to go to, So if we go using the "Buddy system" I think that is what it's called, but if we go in with that then we will be together virtually the whole time. So I think it will be alot easier for the both of us if we are together. Okay Ya'll I am going to go back to paying attention in math so have fun! I know I will! Kayla

About you 1. Age: 17 (almost 18) 2. Name: Kayla 3. Nick name: Kitty 4. Grade: 2nd semester college 5. Gender: female Physical Appearance 6. Hair color: Black 7. Natural hair color: Brown 8. Eye color: hazel 9. Height: 5 feet 7 inches 10. Weight: don't ask don't tell 11. Shoe size: a 10 depending on the shoe 12. Skin: usually clear skin,sometimes some acne with a some freckles. 13. Prep, Goth, Punk ect: Umm I am between punk and goth. Definately not prep. This or that. 14. Life or Death: Death 15. Summer or Winter: Summer 16. Give or Receive: Give 17. Hot or Cold: hot 18. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla 19. Coke or Pepsi: DIET COKE lol 20. Black and white or Colorful: Black 21. 5 years of great sex or A friend for a lifetime: A friend for a lifetime 22. Mornings or Nights: Nights 23. Belly or Stomach: Stomach 24. Rain or Sun: sun Favorite. 25. Song: Umm...Too many to think of 26. Movie: Umm. Gia or Saving Private Ryan or the Green Mile 27. Band: Currently-Disturbed or Crossfade or Coldplay 28. Color: Black 29. Food: Chicken 30. Day of the week: Any day I get to spend with my baby, Dean. 31. Name: Arianna 32. Show: House 33. Saying: Fuck with me and I will fuck you over 10 time over 34. Time in your life: uhhh I haven't gotten there yet Are you 35. Mostly Happy or Sad: Mostly sad 36. Fun: I try to be 37. Mean: I can be 38. Playful: Yep 39. Shy: Umm in certain situations 40. Out going:usually 41. Virgin: No,not since... 42. Only Child: no, 1 sis & 2 bros and a sister 43. Straight, gay, bi: Depends on my mood at the moment. I tend to flirt with girls especially if I am drunk. 44. Happy with yourself: Usually not Do you. 45. Smoke: Ciggies ya 46. Drink: yes 47. Hang out with friends: Yep-bonified party animal 48. Have low self-esteem: most days 49. Want to have Children: I want2,would prefer a boy and a girl 50. Brush your teeth every night: yes I try to Would you 51. Take your anger out on someone: I have before, but am working on it 52. Do something stupid to look cool: done that before too, and probably would do it again 53. Ever hurt a animal: no, i love animals 54. Eat something disgusting for money: depends how much i needed the $$$$ 55. Kiss the same sex: yes, (have heaps of times) 56. Kill someone on self defense: if i had to What would you say 57. If someone cut in front of you in a huge line: Depends on my mood (a) Mubble "you bitch" under my breathe but would probably not say it loud enough for them to hear me. or (b) tell them off, loudly, embarrass them, etc 58. If your being sent to military camp: Enjoy the booty camp training & enjoy getting fit, would miss Dean oodles, though, 59. If someone offered to "give you a ride": No way! I watch too many movies and I am paranoid! 60. When your Gf/Bf says their bi: if Dean Told me, i would be Cool with it, if that is truly how he felt i would support him:)

Is it wrong to want to spend every minute with the person you are in love with? Is it wrong to feel like you are in love after only one month? Is it wrong to want with that person what you have wanted your entire life? Marriage, Kids, the whole house nestled in the woods with the dogs and cats chasing each other in the front yard. I feel so strange, as though everything is falling into place-- The Job, the guy, the family stuff(My family issues) school-just everything seems perfect. So what is the only downfall? He is still married... Yea I know that I should know better but it is just I care about him sooooooo damn much, He is trying to get a divorce and I am trying to stay out of it and so far I have done well. Ahh why can't I stop thinking about him!? Why can't I sleep unless I am with him? This is insane. I know it sounds silly but I think of him all the time. He steals all of my thoughts and the best part is I DON"T CARE! I like it. I am actually happy. The only thing that I am afraid of is that he well leave me again, I know I shouldn't be insecure- she did mess up and I am totally happy I just can't help but think... He broke my heart and went back to her once.. what is gonna stop him from doing it again. I think to myself, he was with her for 3 years and he married her...would it be possible for her to convince him that she has changed... and if she could- would he take her back? Why am I so afraid? Well I am gonna go watch TV. Take care cyber people. Kayla

Okay. Today I haven't cut, I have thought about it but I haven't. I haven't eaten anything either I had a cup of hot tea this morning with no sugar and a lot of water. I am at school right now and when my classes are over i am just going to walk around the campus aimlessly ya know so i can get some exercise. I have to drop some pounds. I feel like such a cow. I have gained almost 20 puonds since I started dating Dean. i am going to start working out and fasting again. I am going to try to do it the healthy way, but drastic times call for drastic measures. Well I guess I will attempt to pay attention now... Until next time. Kayla

First Entry. So um Yea how is everyone doing? Kayla