Hey Ya'll what's up? Not much new is going on im my world. SSDD. Ah Well. I don't know what the hell to do anymore, I know that Bipoler is a disease and it is FUCKING AGGRIVATING! One day or week or month or however long it is, you are on top of the world and nothing can bother you and then, suddenly everything is pulled out from underneath you and you are left feeling like nothing. You feel like you won't ever be happy and that life isn't worth living and it confuses you because you don't have any real reason to be depressed. I mean I have a place to live, i have food to eat, i am in college and I have an amazing boyfriend. Most people would look at my life and say that i have it pretty good, So then why is it that i sit and day-mare about Killing myself. Why do I get angry at a sunny day or people laughing, after all wasn't i just as happy and laughing right along with them only yesterday? I hate the ups and downs, I hate the inconsistancy. I went for a while thinking that I was perfectly fine, I didn't worry about my weight or what i looked like b.c I was convinced that I was okay, Now, I don't evem Know. I am constantly worried about the amout of calories I consume and am terrified of gaining any more weight-yet at the same time i can't seem to resist the urge to eat. I have been critiqing myself to no end and I know that it bothers my boyfriend but I just can't help it. It is like there are two of me. One tells me that I am perfectly normal and the other(I will call this one MIA) me, the one that is coming out more and more often tells me that I am abnormal, that I am disgusting and fat and that there is no way that anyone can possibly love me and that if someone claims to love me then they are lying. I know that this is wrong after the rational person inside of me takes back over but when MIA is in control it is like i am in this self-destructive mode that I can't get out of and I quickly spiral out of control, I just go down and down and down until I hit the bottom and then as if by some cruel joke, the bottom falls out and I fall some more, and when it finally gets to the point I can't bare to go down anymore and have the pills or the razor in my hand ready to take my own life Rationality takes control again and it is like a rocket forcing me up. It makes me feel invincable. I think I am the best, the most beautiful, the smartest, the most wanted, I am on top of the world, then I crash again. I never know what to expect from day to day. It is like a rollercoaster ride that you can't escape from, It NEVER ends. Meanwhile you are screaming at the top of your lungs to make the ride stop, just make it stop, all i want to do is get off, why can't i get off? MAKE THIS FUCKING THING STOP! But it never does. It never fucking does. So you learn to live with it and you learn to fool the people around you whenever you are down, you pretend to be okay. But, whenever you are alone or in the dark or you think no one is watching, or maybe even if there are, you catch yourself thinking, will I do it this time? will I kill Myself this time? Then you contemplate the ways you could do it, Do I want to make it hurt or do I want it to be painless? You run every possibility through your mind until you settle on the perfect one and then you either try, or you wait for the "Perfect Time" and then the rollercoaster goes up again and you forget about it. The process constantly repeats itself. It is a neverending cycle and it is slowly driving me insane!!!! ~Kitty~