Patrick just left, we fucked for the third time. It was a lot better than the last two times but it fucking sucks because the first like twenty seconds it always hurts like a bitch but after that it's fine. So yea he finally came so I was happy about that (I didnt but it's all good I dont really give a fuck.) So yeah, there was that. That was all possible thanks to school getting out at 11:30 today because of half-days for finals. I think I did pretty good for math and on geography we had open book so I know I did fine. So yea, that was the day. Hmm... so yes tomorrow I have fucking earth science and english finals. SO FUCKING STUPID!!! Those are my two hardest so I really have to go keep studying for them now. Tomorrow's the last day of school! Of ninth grade! Ay! I really loved ninth grade, it was so fucking kickass. Summers good too though and I'm sure that tenth grade will be good as well so alls well that ends well (if I do good on my finals that is...) So bye. Roxie

Hmm so life has been good and bad like usual. At this moment in time it seems pretty fuckin good though. Todays Saturday (which is a definite plus), and I may not have work tomorrow so that I can study for all my crapping finals next week. I have to get C's or higher on all of them if I want to keep the A's I have in each class. That really sucks... what if I cant? Blah. So I have to study a shitload if I want to keep the damn A's, which I do so er... Hmm... Dani got caught skipping school by the cops with Max. Just that morning I had told her stop skipping so much school, you're going to get caught but did she listen NO and now she's grounded for the weekend. What else? Hmm... I got an award for drama! There was this end of the year drama banquet-y thing that me and Patricio went to and I didnt think I was gonna get anything and then all of a sudden... BaM! They said: "Best Tech for Guys and Dolls... RoXiE gEiMeR!" I was like, say fuckin what now? Wee-joo! So so so so sooooooo happy about that. And lastly I finished my four hour online drug/alcohol course so now when I get my certificate I can go in and take the permit-o test and get my permit so woohoo... Oh yea and I leave for NY on the seventh of May as a last bit of news... SCHOOLS OUT IN FOUR DAYS OH MY JUMPING JESUS! Bye... Roxie

Mmm so yea work today. Excited (not) about that. Yesterday was an okay day... it had it's ups and downs. Patrick was chasing me around the kitchen and he went to go under the counter and he ran smack into the counter and he like collapsed on the ground. He has this huge-ass friggen lump on his head right now and he had to go to his first day of work right after ohmygiddygoddygoodness. Wowzers so yea that was yesterday... Today I'm just waiting to go to work... so that I can get it over with. Bad state of mind to be in, it will only pass slower this way so urrr whatever I dont even care about anything anymore. I want to do acid. Acid. Acid. Acid. Acid. Accccciddddd. You dont even know. Goshhhh. I'm all fucked up man. Alllllll fucked up. In totality of things. I'm torn. Things'll get easier but I just dont know. So Patrick keeps wanting to have sex. It's like what's always on his mind, not in the back of his mind either, riiiiight up front, before he thinks about my well-being. And I dont wanna be a bad girlfriend or anything but man I just am so fucked up feeling right now. I think he got the wrong impression on Friday, I was soooooooo so so sooooooooo extremely happy on Friday afternoon and I'd give anything to get that back. But with all this Jesse shit going on I'm. Just. So. Fucked. Uppp... inside and in my head and my ears and everything. I want to give him what he wants because I want him to be happy, just because I'm not doesnt mean he shouldnt be. Irrelevant. But gosh... I dont know. So yes there you have it. I will give you reasons why I should keep putting out for him: -for his ears -for his back scratches -for his never-ending compassion -for his heart -for his once-was beard -for his ability to try a cigarette -for his tolerance -for his helping me not do coke -for his pain and suffering -for his love of shorts -for his smile And I cant think of why I shouldnt... all that keeps coming up is me, me, me, me, meeeee. Im so selfish. I hate myself today. I could keep writing for hours on end but I wont. -Roxie

Hola. So yea not much new going on here, (actually, a lot new going on here but there is too much to say soooo....... fuck it.) Jesse's leaving to New York on Tuesday but I'm NOT!!!!!!! I'm pretty urgkasj about him going though, it's gonna be fuckin weird not having him here with me anymore. I guess I got used to it when he was in Starting Place rehabilitizing but even then it wasnt like I didnt get to see him every weekend and during family therapy and shit... Then again, it's not like he's here anyway... the most I've seen of my brother in the past week has been a passing blur of black and smoke. He borrowed some money from me, and the other time I said hi to him at the top of my lungs and he didnt even respond. Coke has him and no one knows or cares but me. Still though, it's as if he's this great presence filling the house even though he's been home for great periods of five minutes a day. It's like 75% Jesse, 10% Dad, 10% Mom, 5% Patrick, 3% friends, 1.8% dogs, and 0.2% Roxanne. What happens when he leaves, where does the world go from there he's my fucking brother for god sakes, I dont want him to leave. So thats about it, nothing quite new here. Three weeks of school left. Work tomorrow. Tons of homework. Same ol', same, ol'. My life is a soap opera, but only if I let it be... Adios. -Roxie

So yea let's see... not much of excitement going on today. Had my AP Human Geography exam today. I skipped eighteen questions (oops...) and I accidently fucked up one of my essay questions so I doubt that I'm going to pass... oh well. We get results June 1st, which is such a long-ass time to fucking wait but shwatevs. So bad stuffs been happening. I'm a little upset that Jesse's going to be leaving this/maybe next week. I'm a little upset that my mom doesnt know what's going on and that if she finds out I have the danger of being shipped off to New York against my will. I'm a little upset that Patrick keeps wanting to do it with me and I'm really sad and dont feel like it. And I'm also really upset that I havent told him any of this yet and I keep beating around the fucking bush. I'm really happy about how I'm doing in school though. I'm really happy about this weekend and my birthday and about me and CC's relationship and my mom and dad and my relationship too. I'm sad that I've started smoking cigarettes again and that I have work Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm weirded out that for thespian initiation I have to wear a toga to school tomorrow. I'm happy that I have 94 service hours. I'm sad that I cant talk to anyone about how happy about things and sad and weirded out and utterly confused I am about things. I'm sad that I put on a happy face no matter what when I should be happy because my life isnt crap like I make it out to be. I'm sad my brother's doing so much coke and that my best friend did it with him even though I didnt do it. I'm glad that I had enough will power not to. I'm glad that Patrick helped me with that but I'm sad because I dont know how much longer I can hold out. I'm sad that I can feel the gap between one of my best friends and me widening. I'm sad that she gets scared when I guess what she did on the weekend when I wished she was with me on my birthday. I'm sad that she left me to do it with some guy she didnt know until that day or even love. I'm sad that she got nervous that I knew when she didnt tell me. I'm sad that she didnt tell me. I'm sad that she hasnt talked to me about it yet. I'm sad that she doesnt care enough to talk to me about things like we used to. I'm sad that I cant either. I'm sad that she's left me. I'm sad that I cant tell her all of this. I wish I could speak... Roxie

Well the past two days have been thuroughly interesting and I've been extremeley occupied throughout them. My birthday was nearly the most awesome day of my entire life I'm pretty sure. My familia took me out to brekkie and then mom took me shopping and we got some really nice stuff for my birthday and then I went home and hung out with CC and Patrick and it was lots of fun and everyone was being so nice and it was great. Highlights: #1:I was banging on a packet of ketchup and CC was sitting next to me... then it popped and squirted right in her eye, it was fucking funny as hell. #2: I did acid last night so happy birthday to me, it was the best and most fun trip CC kept making me laugh insanely hard, she did coke and that kept her awake so it was all good... So now I'm tired and my body is so exhausted from the acid and staying awake 48 hours and apparently my life is in some grave danger because Jesse made some bad enemies and since he's jetting off to New York sometime next week they could be after my family/ mainly just me... which is awesome but I dont even care I'm not worried, I only care that my parents may try to send me to NY out of fear for my safety... NOOOOOOOO! Roxie

Well today has been a good and bad day but I guess I'd say that is has been an overall good day in the life and times of me. Tomorrow is my birthday oh my goody goodness! But anyways... So mainly life has sucked because #1, I'm going to fail the AP exam that I have to take this Monday, therefore making this class completley pointless in the fact that I'm not going to get a college credit or anything for it... shit. And #2, I think my brother's moving to New York next week / doing coke again / he doesnt talk to me anymore... damn, damn, and damn again. And mainly life has been awesomely awesome because #1 everyone's being really nice to me: A)Hailey made me cookies for my birthday and B)Chloe got a birthday card for me and had all my friends sign it and C) Patricio got me Pop Rocks and that was cute. So I feel really special and I love everyone. And #2 life is just mainly good in general. So yes, that is the main jist of things and tomorrow is my birthday ay dios mio! Yup, 15... I dont usually get this way about my birthdays and I dont think anyone's getting me anything but this all has been enough and I love everyone and they are so great and I feel so SPESHUL! So jah... adios my lurves, until tomorrow. Roxie

So yes I am a bit tipsy on my parent's liqour from under the kitchen counter right now. What the fuck of it? Anyway so yea that's about all that's going on (exciting-wise (ish)) in my life right now. Mmm... So I went to States with Dani and it was so much fucking fun! Six days of my life without parents or shit at home or school or work or any of the things that usually get under my skin and stress my out! And just pure fucking freedom and alcohol and cigarettes galore and acid! (Which all by the way were the fucking shit.) But that was nearly two weeks ago by now -what the fuck my ipod just crapped out on me, hold on.- Okay we can be a fucking faggy-ass ipod and not work right we can just shut off for no god damn reason and piss Roxanne right off. Asshole. Anyway so that was the funnest fucking time of my life. So this week nothing is really going on except I have to go to work tomorrow and on Friday and on Thursday I'm doing lights w/Dani and CC para un chorus concerto and Saturday is my birthday and I dont know whats going on with that really and Sunday I have to work and then Monday is my crapping AP Human Geo exam and I'm gonna fail it. So that's a little updater on my life for you so there you have it. Mmhmmm.... Oh yea and I'm not a vegetarian anymore because I nearly passed out in the doc's office and they think I'm iron deficient so I'm being force fed meat, yay! But 5 months meat-free so I'm fairly happy about that. So that's about it for now, adios my loves. -Roxie

I'm so fricken sad that there's no more Guys and Dolls plays left. We went through all four. Done. =(. This makes for a sad Roxanne. Oh well though, it was bloody fun while it lasted. On that note, last night went great, we all did mucho bueno and so did everyone in the play. It was ALLLLL GOOOOOD. Also yesterday I got my shit from Sarah. I was so fucking nervous I had to walk the dogs all the way down to the park and I was practically shaking the entire time but I got them and I had a cigarette (curtosey of Sarah on both) and then I felt SO much better. Okey doke so today I have to go rehearse the sound for Sylvia at 9, fuck, goodbye.

The past lotta days have been fuckin awesome and that's pretty much all I can say to encompass that. I'm about to burst, life has been so fucking sweet lately. So what have I been up to? Me and CC and Danica (kind of) and Patrick have been doing techy for Guys and Dolls at school. Dani is supposed to be doing sound but she only did it one day (where as we have three preformances to do without her, what the fuck?) so Patrick is doing the lights to fill in for her and he's doing awesomely awesome at it. Im doing the sound and the first night I fucked up a bunch of stuff because all the equipment was really, really, mucho shit-tastic. But now last night I got better CD's and stuff to work with and I think I did awesomely awesome last night. CC's doing mikes and it was so funny because she sits next to me for the shows and she freaks out and starts getting all snippy because she's nervous and afraid shes going to fuck the entire play up. But she did it all fine and we kept getting terrible feedback so it sucked but we couldnt do anything to remedy that really. So CC did awesomley awesome as well!!!!!!! So jah. We all are awesomely awesome and did awesomely awesome and yea. It was funny though because at one point during the play last night the lights went up and a building was walking around on stage, it was great. So STATES IN THREE FUCKING DAYS! YAY! And let's see only two more Guys and Dolls shows today and thats it for Guys and Dolls totally. Then on Sunday and Monday we have Sylvia rehearsals for states and then thats it, gone-o! Bye peoples! Roxie

Who drinks coffee with fucking cool whip? No one. Jebus Christ. My parents are lazy imbisels. They cant pick their fat asses off of the couch and go get milk and creamer from the fucking grocery store. So we are using god damn cool whip. It doesnt taste that bad but it's the principle of the matter... what the fuck? But anyway... the past two days have been killer. Yesterday we went to drama but it was completley dark and it turns out that the school had no power and we wouldnt get it back until 5 o'clock so rehearsal was canceled. I went over Dani's house, watched Alice in Wonderland and then her dad picked us up and took us to the mall. And me CC and Dani had stealing galore! Dani is so cute, she got me these really awesome earrings that I wanted (of course there were no backs though) and she stole some earrings for herself of course. I stole myself a shiny braclet thing and a keychain of an obese rat and CC stole a buncha keychains too. (I mean, why would we spend a buck per keychain... hells fuckin no.) So that was cool, of the things we actually bought I bought a cool spiraly rainbow blacklight poster from Spencers. So we dropped CC off at home and Dani chilled w/me, we watched Monty Python:Quest for the Holy Grail. And then at 7:00 we went to the movies and saw Stay Alive. Patrick and Desire met us there. Patrick was so scared during the whole movie it was so cute/sad. So he was hiding his head in my arm. But it was such a fucking good movie you dont even know. So we got out we were all scared, I smoked a cigarette so I felt better and then we walked to McDonalds and ordered mass ammounts of food and then we walked back to the movie theatre. Then, the funnyest shit happened. These little 10 yr olds that were like wanna-be gansters came up to us and since they had "stolen" mints from the free mint jar they thought they were bad ass. The kid says "wanna buy a mint for five cents...?" And Patrick says "wanna punch in the face, for free...?" And it was the best because Patrick has a beard and he looks scary as fuck to a 10 yr old. So they kid literally froze up and backed slowly away. It was awesome. Then we went home and then we went back to find my phone that Dani lost. We found it and then, yes then we finally went home. And that was it but I have a lotta shit to do today (work being the biggest) so adios my loves. Roxie

Well good morning, it's Saturday and it's 7:40 (ish) and I dont know why on earth I would want to be awake now... Actually I do know why, it's because I have to go to a rehersal for a drama preformance (Guys and Dolls) today from 8:00 to 2:00 with no lunch breaks. Fucking bloody fantasmic. At least I get six service hours out of this though, it's totally worth it. Ur! Blah! Guess what? No mas house arrest!!! Yay! This pleases me to the eighth power of infinity. Wowzers. So I dont know what I'm gonna do after the drama rehearsaly thingy ness but we'll see I suppose. Mmm Hmm so thats about it. Love you all, byes. Roxie

Hi-lo purple peoples. Today has been thouroughly (how to spell that I know not) wonderflous as it usually tends to be. School was good, work was fine, dinner was yummy-tasmic and the "ness" of the now is just good like the color purple is. So alls well. And I am sooper dooper happy because today marks the second to last day of my twenty eight day long grounding, hells yes! So tomorrow is my officially last day left and I am happy times infinity to the twelth power plus two! Yayzers! And States is in twelve days! And Jesse is going to get us acid after all! And I found 33 dollars at the bottom of my underwear drawer (aka my secret money stash.) So all is good and therefore I am happy, and therefore, alls well that ends well and furthermore I can conclude that life in all entirety is good. Good bye. =) Roxie

Hey anyone who reads this. I'm doing bloody fuckin fantasmic right about now. I only have three days left under house arrest and I just got an 84 on my AP geography test today and everythings great with my friends and Patrick and my family is all good. Actually all of those things are really not any different than usual, everything is still really. really, really, really, pretty fuckin fucked up, but you know what? I dont fucking care anymore! Because I am hyper and I am happy and life is fucking awesome right now and I dont even know what I have to be so damn happy about... =) You dont wanna fuck with Shady... Why? Because Shady....... Will fucking kill you. This is such a funny song I love it. Mmm. So yupper doodles thats about it as far as my life goes right now. Oh wait, Jesse wont get me and Danica acid to do at fucking states for drama because I told Danica that I did acid with him last Friday and he thinks he'll end up getting in trouble because of Danica's "mouth." But whatever, that sucks but we'll probably just get it from Sarah anyway, and even if we cant get it from her then States will still be fucking awesome because its six days no parents, freedom, no school, drugs, drugs, drugs, and alcohol and the only possible thing that could make it any funner would be Patrick going so it would be drugs, drugs, drugs, drugs, alcohol and sex. But oh well. So yea, thats it for my life right now and I want fucking dinner! And cigarettes... Bye peoples. -Roxie

Today was a fine day like usual. Mmm... it seems like the world is falling apart around me though. I don't really know. CC's all messed up because she thinks that she is Danica's last resort friend so to speak and Jesse just got caught for doing ecstasy and I want to go with Patrick down to the Keys over spring break but I don't think my parents are going to let me because since he's my boyfriend and they dont trust me and everything like parents usually don't. If I can't go with Patrick down to the Keys over spring break then his ex Amanda is probably going to go with him because about a year ago when they were still going out they had planned to go there together. So if I can't go I think that she's going. That in itself is a fucking bloody recipe for disaster. Disaster on wheels. She's been trying to steal Patrick back for as long as she's known that we were going out even though she has a new boyfriend of her own now and even though she broke up with him... but whatever... And I had a really good weekend because I did two hits of acid and they were really good and it was like pure euphoria for me. And I didnt get caught and life should be good, fine, and jim dandy like it's been all day long but it isn't anymore and I don't know why and it's bringing me down. Plus I really want cigarettes and I am totally out of them. And it really, really, really sucks mad cookies. Urg. Usually I am a lot happier than this but something about the darkness of this room and the crappy dinner I just ate and me being under house arrest (grounded in simpler terms) is putting more gravity on me than I'm used to. Well adios. -Roxie