haha its been forever since i've been on this. this was my place to be sad about relationships...but currently i'm not. thursday = 8 months...yay yay yay maybe one day i'll really update. ¢¾

yay for almost 5 months...and valentines day...i actually will have a valentine this year...first time ever... yay for that.

so completely in love ♥ eek september 11, 2005 *almost 4 months*

Merry Christmas everyone. Remember what today is about. I went to my old church tonight. The greetings by those who recognized me were nice...there were many who didn't recognize me though. I may go back tomorrow for the christmas day service...maybe i'll start going there every weekend now that i can drive and go to the church of my choice instead of just where others wish to go. it really was nice but i felt old because many of them are going to college next year and Gillian starts high school next year and i remember when she was in first grade or so. Amazing. The service was nice, Ryan seemed uncomfortable to a point but i hope enjoyed it. On that note Merry Christmas everyone, may your hearts be filled with the joys of heaven. ♥

2 hours 41 minutes =)

* 2 months was friday * 18 days from next sunday is my birthday * i apply for richland in a time even less than that * i need glorybound to be sooner * i need a break from school...Thanksgiving just isn't soon enough... * i'm sick * it sucks the end hearts, kisses and many many wishes

forever and a day...thats how long i want with you -*-*-*-

so last night jan i watched CInderella...its a wonderful movie i had forgotten how much i love it...it was the first time jan had seen it...that movie is amazing. Thats the reason i'm Cinderella =) jan said that klay is the prince charming. =) ♥ speaking of which it has almost been 6 weeks. =) ♥...happy happy happy research papers are done...its an amazing feeling...i really hope i did well...my mom said she liked it so thats a good sign i guess. hope everyone else did well as well. Tonight was the orchestra concert. jan, klay, ryan, and james came for me. =) james yelled my name...such a dork. =P i apperciate them coming even though Ms. PIke screwed up tempos and messed us up and i didn't really care about the concert to begin with. ♥ josh gave me a ride to it...how weird is that? he's an okay driver i guess. jk =) *i get the chills when youre in my sight it feel's like it`s meant to be right, & i feel a rush when i kiss you at night*

tomorrow is a month...who would have ever thought i would make it this far? I have never made it to a month and i'm so glad that the first time to make it this far is with him. he means so much to me... ahh! =) giddy as ever and i can't stop smiling...and i know people see it...and i don't care if it would bother anyone...i'm so incredibly happy... tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow =) *september 11, 2005*

i have never been so happy in my life...he is my escape from everything...i'm so glad he's in my life. *september 11, 2005* klay =) -*-*-*-

i thought i was completly done with this chapter...but the pages continue to turn...releasing the words of unspoken time... -copyright jen wayboer

Single. happily single though. Drama. all started by guys & one girl. School. actually excited for it to start. Life. not looking up as much as it had. The Single Girls. the three of us are having fun spilling about boys and finally living our lives our way. Through it all friends come through.

How is it fair that no matter what I do...I always feel like an outcast. Everyone I bring into the group is adapted so quickly...but me...I still feel like I'm on the sidelines. No matter what people say that is how I feel. Everyone can say how messed up that is...but it doesn't change it. Mike & Jamie text eachother constantly & there's the battle with a certain guy she has going...Jackie...well there's the Mark thing...and she's always with Jan it seems...jealousy people could call it. Go ahead and call it that. I don't mind. And I don't know how comfortable I am with this boyfriend thing. I don't know. I think too much. But I'm not meant for some perfect fairy tale relationship...am I mean for a relationship at all though? I feel so out of place...no matter what people try. Maybe that's just how it is going to be. Maybe I should just get used to & adapt to it. -*-*-*-

So I'm not alone...now going out with ryan. I feel no different. but yay! lol -*-*-*-

i think i'm going to end up exactly where i started...alone =/ -*-*-*-

feeling so removed from everyone lately...I don't get it. He doesn't seem like he cares at all tonight. Screw it. I'm giving up on that one anyway. Can't say too much though, because now i've found that some of the people i thought i could tell everything...I can't. simple simplicity. -*-*-*-

Sarah did it why shouldn't I? I love my lover < 3 ( ) smoked a cigarette ( ) smoked a cigar ( ) smoked anything else ( ) crashed a friend's car ( ) stolen a car (x) been in love ( ) been in a fist fight ( ) been arrested ( ) made out with a stranger (x) skipped school (x) seen someone die ( ) been moshing at a concert ( ) been in an abusive relationship (x) taken painkillers (x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by ( ) been robbed (x) robbed someone (i was 4...sue me...) (x) ran a red light (not while i was driving) ( ) been in a car accident ( ) been obsessed with post-it notes (wtc) (x) danced in the moonlight (x) hated the way you look (every day) (x) witnessed a crime (x) questioned your heart (x) felt like dying (x) cried yourself to sleep (oh too many times) (x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't ( ) kissed in the rain (x) jumped off a bridge ( ) worn the opposite sex's clothes (x) sat on a roof top (x) screamed at the top of your lungs ( ) done a one-handed cartwheel ( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours (x) stayed up all night (x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger (x) been easily amused (ALL THE TIME!) (x) laughed so hard you cried (x) cried so hard you laughed ( ) gone skinny dippin in a river/any water fun stuff...I'll write something worth reading soon... -*-*-*-

I don't understand it, they can't possibly know me for me. Guys never liked me before...i mean there were one or two here and there but that always ended quickly. And now, three of my closest guys like me...? Josh, i liked him for two years...and now that i haven't liked him for 2 months he decides to like me. It's weird...I'm not so sure. I tried so hard to regain his love in those two years but never was successful so i moved on. I loved him. Levi, oh levi, i've been through such a share with him...but i most definitly still love him. And then there is ryan...no experience there...he's so sweet...but i dono it's all a mess. I don't understand why they like me...when i ask they say i'm pretty...or gorgeous...or whatever. but i'm not. gorgeous is people like sarah desmond, tinah bean, and sarah/alex. I don't fit in with them when it comes to looks...they're stunning. Thats my definition of pretty...so that can't be right. Nothing ever lasts with me anyway...i don't have that luck...why on earth would they be willing to take that risk when each of them could easily find someone better. Someone more meaningful. Someone who has their life where they want it and isn't working so hard to change. Will the one i pick still like me once my transformation is complete... why like me...why care? -*-*-*-

Things haven't changed in a drastic way...but in the ever so slightest way. Before it was so simple. one was bad, one good, and one friend. A simple good bad friend situation. It's become so much more complex over the matter of a few weeks. Is it possible for good to become bad and bad good? Friend is friend, and always will be friend. but the matter of good and bad is completly confused now. Is it possible that both are both? Could good and bad actually be the same? What's the definition of a true bad? Just someone who tests who you are...is there anything wrong with that? Good has seemed less good lately...and bad...was he ever really bad? Every time i think i know what i want...or who...something happens to change it again. This had become so much clearer in my mind...each tucked away with a straight clean label. But now...the labels seem to be tearing...peeling off of each. How is it possible for good to be bad and bad good? I had drawn such a definite line between the two, but the line begins to curve... ...what to do...what to do... -*-*-*-

homesweet home from florida...much to update on soon