well, i loved being with my daddy i feel so complete around him =) maybe that's what i need right now, a father around you know? i mean he's around but to spend time with him i felt refreshed when i got my homework out of the way and i was thinking about the beautiful future and how i would never want to marry any of the boys in high school because their all just as messed up as me and they only truly take to real form when their older towards the end or in colledge is when they form to the person they will be from then on. they completely change all the time in high school and none of them will stay the same (WE CHANGE EVERY 7 YEARS!), so i shouldn't worry waht these guys think and whether or not they are perfect or be picky out them being a mess because they (and we) all are in high school, so i might as well just be positive and have fun. because if i don't date anyways, then i'll have grown alot to be able to do that in college, plus i'm not gonna marry them later so i might as well just enjoy their company and relaxxxx =]

The Thoughts, Though I've Tried Everyday. Have Never Really Been Solved. What Was It About Being Young. That Felt So Good? Perhaps It Was That There Was No Future, And No Past, So There Was No Worry. There Was Only A Present. Could That Been The Problem That's Been Infesting Inside Me? Is It What I Thought Before? Am I Afraid To BE Vulnerable? Was It That We Make Up Problems In Our Own Head, Hoping We Can Change Our Fate, and God's Fate? When Really The Only Problems We Have Are The Ones Exterior To Us? Is It That As We Get Older We Feel Living In The Future [In Our Minds] Will Make It Brighter? But Then There Will Be No Present. And Then Where Did The Past Go? Where Is Then Life Itself? Does It Lie In The Presen(t)ce Of God?

i'm inside.. i'm read to come out.. how much longer shall i wait until i'm ready to come???? how long must it take to make it be released once again???? god save me! bring me to the light. and ignore the darkness. help me put it in the past.. where's the beauty i once saw inside me??? i want to belt it out!!! i want to know it inside me!! to know what to do with the conflictss you give me!!! can i really handle all the things you give... am i making a bigger deal outta this then it is? am i being stupid? or am i doing it correctly??? i want to see the beauty.. loook how i'm giving control to others to everyone else and not you? hwy do i trust those stpuid boys with the things i should trust within myself within you?? when CAN'T I SEE THE BEAUTY IN ME! why does everyone seem so content and so okay with themselves and not myself???? why does a girl such as myself . and girls such as myself { beautiful from within and without no matter the critiques ; talent ; something to offer ; your love } feel so ugly! why do i listen to what everyone else says??? what do i believe perceptions! why is everyone afraid to let it all out like me! who's right? who should i follow? how do i speak to make it right?? what do i do now to make it a happy ending!!!!!!!!!!! i'm staying away from sex! drugs! indulging in boys! no cutting! no suicide! i do none of that! i'm trying to look toward you but i'm scared .. why?? fear hurts me,, it tears my soul apart.. where is my soul?? is she here now! is she in this writing.. why am i steering away from all things evil and yet I STILL SUFFER FROM WITHIN! the hardest things is woman vs. self.. it's so hard.. it hurts.. does this ever go away? what do i read? what will fix it NOW? I'M SICK OF IT! i want it to be gone! why must i examine everythine to make it perfect! WHAT MISTAKES SHOULD I STEER CLEAR FROM????/ why does it hurt so much .. it hurts to feel alone.. as though your the only one in the world who will tell anyone she feels this way.. why this struggle? i have EVERYTHING EVERYONE WOULD WANT IN THIS WORLD. yet still i'm struggling with myself?? am i being selfish? am i being rude? mean? unappreciating.. i'm TRYING! but what to do???? i don't want to dissapoint you god!. help me please! i want to makeyou happy. what do i do?? i want to help myself.. i want to let myself shine. i want to be confident with people now! why do i feel as though i have the most to offer the world and yet no one else can see it? why do i want to dearly for everyone to see it???/ i'm tired of hearing about sex and "love" and fucking! THAT'S NOT LOVE but yet what is love.. do i really know what love is? DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?

emotions are screaming inside of me? i want to release them but how? should i indulge in music! it's so hard.. so much work.. i feel as though my minds weak. i can feel inside me the emotions.. the feeling.. i can see me on the videos... but my problem is i don't want anyone not to like the music! i want it to be "perfect" because i want everyone to see the beauty of life i'm trying to bring the world.. but i feel a failure because i can't do it good enough? i can't completely do it myself.. maybe it's fear? what is it.. do i know enough piano????? i want everyone to see all the emotion inside my heart.. i want to be on the stage! but you know what i could fear??? the downfall i took this summer.. the feeling of complete aloneness and takenadvantage of.. not eating didn't help.. i couldn't deal with my emotions.... i released them wrongly.. i didn't want to admit it.. because then it'd be wrong.. but i'm afraid to be me because i feel as though noone my age can be like me... and it's so hard to deal with this.. why can't eveyone like me? why can't everyone think i'm sexy the way i do? because i don't believe it myself... i need to let it shine within... but i'm afraid still not everyone will believe it... i struggle trying to be perfect.. but how can i accept the beauty in imperfection??? what is it i must learn from all this god is presenting me.. i feel as though i need to be released now through music.. but i feel as though is stopping me from that! i'm afraid to believe i can make it.. like i though st.thomas would be completely different.. and be completely alone, isolated, dissappointed, and feeling of un-loved and an end in the world.. only a dark tunnel ahead. i want god to help me see the light ahead.. i want to be set FREEEEE forever! i'm tired of feeling lost.. i want it organized? but do it? does anyone really know what they want? or does god have an even bigger and better idea for them??? i'm tired of hiding the true me.. but sometimes i feel as though i'm releasing her and i'm being rejected and unaccepted.. where did i go from st.bonbon? i thought i could take on anything.. and yet i feel the lowest of all the people at school, and the weakest at dealing with life, boys, personal style, sex, drinking, what right? can i be myself? where am i? can i be released? can i make my dreams come true? yes.?

i felt a feeling like i never did before. i was watching "how to deal" and looked over and for the first time, the sunlight sent a weird sensation over me. it was as though i could "feel" it overtaking me it was beautfiul.. i saw the beach ball roll into the pool and the ripples fill the straight, untouched water. buti felt as though i was movign backwards, and not forwards.. and that kind of hurt.. although when i went upstairs my bed looked so beautiful i just undulged myself into it and it felt amazing.. i jumped on my bed again! although this time not too high considering i almost hit the ceiling! =] i'm proud of myself for making it through st. thomas. although it's just so hard being afraid of that overwhelming feeling of depression every once inawhile. i don't want to talk to my mom.. i mean i know i can but i just feel so stupid sometimes.. like i'm just a complete idiot.. i miss seing the beauty of the world constantly and never looking to suicide to escape my problems. a weak strategy i feel as though it is. i wish go gain all the strenght in the world so i can make my dreams come true! but what little time to do it in!! i finally understand the quote "all we have to fear is fear itself" and it's true!!!! i want to demolish fear.. but do i completely? doesn't it keep me from being as dr. mcdonals says "a slave to your passions" ?? i love how he said "you really think this is true.. but really people don't care about you as much as you care about yourself.. their really all thinking about themselves".. i miss the feeling of leisure.. and sitting with myself in a blanket knowing exactly how beautiful i really am? what defines beauty? i don't know.. is it the smoothness of your skin? the shape of your waste? is it the color of your eyes? is it the size of your heart? the size of your jeans? what he thinks of you? or what you think of yourself? what are really things these days.. as mandy moore says.. maybe being abnormal is being normal.. and maybe meagan is right from how to deal.. maybe it's good not to care and not worry.. even if that means being totally uncool? is it really? id ont' know.. i'm afraid to take that leap.. where are my dreams? are they in front of me? to the side? were they behind and i missed them? i hope not. i want to believe there is something ahead of my more beautiful then i could imagine for myself.. where is god now? what happened to my connection? should i volunteer at church? but will that steer me with my career? school? homework? is flirting okay.. how far? what do i deserve.. what's right for me? what do my parents want? what does god want? what do i want? is what i want what everyone else wants? or is there something inside me???? where is she? when it try to examine her she's a nothing.. she's not complete? what will make me complete? what must i live by.. what must i feel. are my feelings right? can i withstand the deepness and the darkness?? yes i will <3

watsup? i figure this is a great way to let off some steam, especially when my mom isn't able to talk to me.. i'm so tired of this "depression" stage, i mean WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE OVER! school work is seriously overwhelming me.. summer when by way too fast for me. i miss st.bonaventure and everything i had. it was amazing.. i miss my old friends and i'm so scared and afraid of the new ones.. i want to reinvent myself so bad but i odn't have the energy to do it.. but i want to jump out of my box again! i want to sing by i odn't feel like i'm ready and i feel like my piano skill SUCK. i don't know how to please everyone nad make whem all happy and like me.. i'm tired of oging through phazes, i just wanna relax and love and be and see and live the true me! i don't even know who that is and it feels as though it's impossible.. i miss having to call A@!#$%^^$ki&*( and playing our little games, i miss my teachers and i miss the life i had.. i loved it so much. i odn't know how to find the beauty in this school now when it can't find the beauty in me.. everyone's making friends faster then me and i feel like i'm stuck all alone in this hell whole. i don't know how to act who to be so i can STOP CHANGING and start living as me! i'm scared of the dark thoughts, and i'm so upset that i can't let music consume me with happiness and joy like it used to! i'm tired of not getting enough sleep and not feeling pretty enough or good enough anymore, i'm tired of feeling like i hvae to look good for guys anymore!!! i'm tired of not being able to take time for myself.. i'm sick of everyone having better social lives then me most of all i'm sad that i can't appreciate what i have right now, and i'm so scared that god will take my life and take it all away and i wouldn't've just let go like i could RIGHT NOW to make it all better.. i'm tired of living in my feelings, and in my head and in the past.. i'm just SO tired and i dont know how to stop it,, i'm scared to jump out and act like it's my last day.. i don't know why.. i'm tired of not being close to god, and feeling the connection i did before.. i miss that feeling of being curled in a ball and really completely loving myself.. i miss school and the drama and going through all the things i did.. im tired of thinking so much about EVERYTHING and being afraid of saying the wrong thing. i'm tired of living in FEAR and living in anywhere but the present.. i hurts to much tofeel as though you've lost your spirit, and have no way of knowing how to piece it back together..

watsup? i figure this is a great way to let off some steam, especially when my mom isn't able to talk to me.. i'm so tired of this "depression" stage, i mean WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE OVER! school work is seriously overwhelming me.. summer when by way too fast for me. i miss st.bonaventure and everything i had. it was amazing.. i miss my old friends and i'm so scared and afraid of the new ones.. i want to reinvent myself so bad but i odn't have the energy to do it.. but i want to jump out of my box again! i want to sing by i odn't feel like i'm ready and i feel like my piano skill SUCK. i don't know how to please everyone nad make whem all happy and like me.. i'm tired of oging through phazes, i just wanna relax and love and be and see and live the true me! i don't even know who that is and it feels as though it's impossible.. i miss having to call A@!#$%^^$ki&*( and playing our little games, i miss my teachers and i miss the life i had.. i loved it so much. i odn't know how to find the beauty in this school now when it can't find the beauty in me.. everyone's making friends faster then me and i feel like i'm stuck all alone in this hell whole. i don't know how to act who to be so i can STOP CHANGING and start living as me! i'm scared of the dark thoughts, and i'm so upset that i can't let music consume me with happiness and joy like it used to! i'm tired of not getting enough sleep and not feeling pretty enough or good enough anymore, i'm tired of feeling like i hvae to look good for guys anymore!!! i'm tired of not being able to take time for myself.. i'm sick of everyone having better social lives then me most of all i'm sad that i can't appreciate what i have right now, and i'm so scared that god will take my life and take it all away and i wouldn't've just let go like i could RIGHT NOW to make it all better.. i'm tired of living in my feelings, and in my head and in the past.. i'm just SO tired and i dont know how to stop it,, i'm scared to jump out and act like it's my last day.. i don't know why.. i'm tired of not being close to god, and feeling the connection i did before.. i miss that feeling of being curled in a ball and really completely loving myself.. i miss school and the drama and going through all the things i did.. im tired of thinking so much about EVERYTHING and being afraid of saying the wrong thing. i'm tired of living in FEAR and living in anywhere but the present.. i hurts to much tofeel as though you've lost your spirit, and have no way of knowing how to piece it back together..

by not wearing the shirt i want to wear or the necklace i want to wear or by not having a "perfect" unattainable figure, i am doing what society wants me to do & i don't want to be anything society wants me to be

new outlook everyday & life is amazing. hopefully this outlook will be good? i wish i had the one i had today, but i just want to go with the flow now, no matter what i do, i'll always feel fat, so might as well get the hell over it =] goodnight, studying for grammar calls me right now.

well! went to gina's party yesterday and it was cool i guess, poor valeria like had a miniture heart attack or something outside! it was really really weird. haha & when allison went to the bathroom kevin, dylan, & yasmine were hiding inside of the shower and laughed so they couldn't scare her while she was.. erm.. *doing her business* haha. then off to noelle's! got a little off the road but it was all good anyways!! DAMN i forgot noelle's present in my car! oh well, excuse for us to hang out again! her food was REALLY GOOD, chocolate covered bannanas, strawberries, & marshmellows! =] & her cake was really good too!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! hehe. gosh my bikini was so tiny i had to hold the twins from falling out on the trampolene!! THE TWINS WANT OUT! haha met some new people, some cool, some shy, some gross, some hott, but i liked it alot =] haha that rhymed! awee and there was this CUTE couple in the hotttub most of the night. lolzz! there was also ermm. some dancing.. haha kelli is like the dancing machine.. & a supposed "dance off" which i had NOTHING to do with because as i said the guys only know how to bump and grind.. they really couldn't dance haha! then came home and was like on such a total sugar rush that i stayed up til like 2:0o in the morning.. yeaa the chocolate shiznet made me crazy!! but it was fun! & i looked hott in my bikini!! apparently alot of people agreed haha.

well, i'm at my daddy's office! take you child to work day :/ i haven't really done any work though [ which honestly i have no problem with ] so yea :] i got most of my stupid homework done! i hope he doesn't catch me on this thing or i'm like DEAD! well, gina's party is tomorrow :] then off to noelle's for the rest of the night 2 party! ahh CRAP i didn't get them gifts! oh boy this is really really bad! i'm so exited to wear my new bikini to noelle's! i mean honestly, i hate to brag, but i look hott! damn, this office is like soo depressing i'd hate to be a lawyer, i gotta get some music or SOMETHING to get me hyped up and happy! probably going to the gym here later, that'll make me happy :] i absolutely love working out, everything about it! lady of america has been REALLY good to me i'll tell you that! no boys in my life right now, which is kinda weird cause i usually have like 1 or 2 :] oh well, i love being single, relationships suck i'm not good at staying attached or dealing with it, time to enjoy the single life!

ergg. fudgenuts. i'm so freaking tired. only one more study guide to go! damn science! UGH. ate icecream feel fat as a house now, can't eat tonight ahh >.< i overstuffed myself & now i want to sleep. oh well. =/ :] tata