i felt a feeling like i never did before. i was watching "how to deal" and looked over and for the first time, the sunlight sent a weird sensation over me. it was as though i could "feel" it overtaking me it was beautfiul.. i saw the beach ball roll into the pool and the ripples fill the straight, untouched water. buti felt as though i was movign backwards, and not forwards.. and that kind of hurt.. although when i went upstairs my bed looked so beautiful i just undulged myself into it and it felt amazing.. i jumped on my bed again! although this time not too high considering i almost hit the ceiling! =] i'm proud of myself for making it through st. thomas. although it's just so hard being afraid of that overwhelming feeling of depression every once inawhile. i don't want to talk to my mom.. i mean i know i can but i just feel so stupid sometimes.. like i'm just a complete idiot.. i miss seing the beauty of the world constantly and never looking to suicide to escape my problems. a weak strategy i feel as though it is. i wish go gain all the strenght in the world so i can make my dreams come true! but what little time to do it in!! i finally understand the quote "all we have to fear is fear itself" and it's true!!!! i want to demolish fear.. but do i completely? doesn't it keep me from being as dr. mcdonals says "a slave to your passions" ?? i love how he said "you really think this is true.. but really people don't care about you as much as you care about yourself.. their really all thinking about themselves".. i miss the feeling of leisure.. and sitting with myself in a blanket knowing exactly how beautiful i really am? what defines beauty? i don't know.. is it the smoothness of your skin? the shape of your waste? is it the color of your eyes? is it the size of your heart? the size of your jeans? what he thinks of you? or what you think of yourself? what are really things these days.. as mandy moore says.. maybe being abnormal is being normal.. and maybe meagan is right from how to deal.. maybe it's good not to care and not worry.. even if that means being totally uncool? is it really? id ont' know.. i'm afraid to take that leap.. where are my dreams? are they in front of me? to the side? were they behind and i missed them? i hope not. i want to believe there is something ahead of my more beautiful then i could imagine for myself.. where is god now? what happened to my connection? should i volunteer at church? but will that steer me with my career? school? homework? is flirting okay.. how far? what do i deserve.. what's right for me? what do my parents want? what does god want? what do i want? is what i want what everyone else wants? or is there something inside me???? where is she? when it try to examine her she's a nothing.. she's not complete? what will make me complete? what must i live by.. what must i feel. are my feelings right? can i withstand the deepness and the darkness?? yes i will <3