emotions are screaming inside of me? i want to release them but how? should i indulge in music! it's so hard.. so much work.. i feel as though my minds weak. i can feel inside me the emotions.. the feeling.. i can see me on the videos... but my problem is i don't want anyone not to like the music! i want it to be "perfect" because i want everyone to see the beauty of life i'm trying to bring the world.. but i feel a failure because i can't do it good enough? i can't completely do it myself.. maybe it's fear? what is it.. do i know enough piano????? i want everyone to see all the emotion inside my heart.. i want to be on the stage! but you know what i could fear??? the downfall i took this summer.. the feeling of complete aloneness and takenadvantage of.. not eating didn't help.. i couldn't deal with my emotions.... i released them wrongly.. i didn't want to admit it.. because then it'd be wrong.. but i'm afraid to be me because i feel as though noone my age can be like me... and it's so hard to deal with this.. why can't eveyone like me? why can't everyone think i'm sexy the way i do? because i don't believe it myself... i need to let it shine within... but i'm afraid still not everyone will believe it... i struggle trying to be perfect.. but how can i accept the beauty in imperfection??? what is it i must learn from all this god is presenting me.. i feel as though i need to be released now through music.. but i feel as though is stopping me from that! i'm afraid to believe i can make it.. like i though st.thomas would be completely different.. and be completely alone, isolated, dissappointed, and feeling of un-loved and an end in the world.. only a dark tunnel ahead. i want god to help me see the light ahead.. i want to be set FREEEEE forever! i'm tired of feeling lost.. i want it organized? but do it? does anyone really know what they want? or does god have an even bigger and better idea for them??? i'm tired of hiding the true me.. but sometimes i feel as though i'm releasing her and i'm being rejected and unaccepted.. where did i go from st.bonbon? i thought i could take on anything.. and yet i feel the lowest of all the people at school, and the weakest at dealing with life, boys, personal style, sex, drinking, what right? can i be myself? where am i? can i be released? can i make my dreams come true? yes.?